Falling

 

Today we are hunkering down after a long night. Paige threw up some peaches in the night and so it begins. She seems to be better after a sleepless night, but we shall see if see if food stays down. No fun having a sick baby. Because of Mark's weakened immune system, he and I usually get flu shots. Do kids get flu shots? What are your thoughts on the subject? It's always hard to know how to keep everyone healthy. We are a medically challenged family!

 

What a difference a week makes. I tentatively proclaim Paige potty trained! She has done really, really well and we haven't had an accident in days. I am kind of hoping the tummy issues don't set us back. Things could get interesting. On Sunday, I took her out during church for a break. Paige is a creature of habit and I haven't had much success outside the house because it's different. She usually just holds it until we get home. Once we got into the bathroom, a friend of mine walked in behind us and in the stall next door. Paige was pretty excited when she overheard a successful trip. She cheered my friend on and then proceeded to follow her example. It worked out pretty well though I was mortified about Paige's commentary. She even bent over and looked under the stall and asked if my friend needed help. She then offered my services.

 

I got my MRI done and got the results, I do have a tear of some sort and I am supposed to go see a wrist specialist next week. I am not too sure I want to do anything with it at this point. It is fine for the most part, and I kind of know what it can and can't do, and I can avoid doing things that make it hurt. Seems like a recipe for success. I think I will probably go down just to make sure I am not going to make things worse in the long haul, but I think it is something that I can and will live with.

 

Paige decided to take the change of seasons literally and had a pretty nasty fall last week. The weather has been atrocious which means we have spent all our time indoors. This leads to a rambunctious baby who wants to play wild and crazy inside. Her new love is "basketball' which is a game she has made up herself with her ball. It has provided hours of entertainment, and she especially loves to "play all together." On this particular round of basketball, she tripped forward, into the wall, and cracked her head on the plug-in carbon monoxide detector. I can't decide if she was lucky it wasn't the window sill or the wall, but the darn thing didn't give much and won the battle. She swelled instantly, and Mark took the opportunity to snap a picture. Poor thing! After some consoling she was ready for more basketball so I figured she would survive. Now the bump seems to have gone down a little bit, but the bruising has drained and she has two black eyes. Very pretty.

 

Paige got to have her fingernails painted like a big girl for going in the big girl potty. She was very excited about it. This is the day after her fall, little bruising and a big ole bump.

 

 

We always have our fair share of animal tragedy and I was pretty certain we were setting ourselves up for yet another one. Boots went missing all last week. She was gone for like 6 days. Paige asked about her everyday and I finally just told her Boots went home to find her mom. It made perfect sense to Paige and I was feeling pretty good about my lie, and wouldn't ya know it.....the cat came home later that night. Even though the cat is pretty annoying, Paige loves it and it has a very unique personality, so I was glad to have her back.

 

 

Hard to see in this crappy picture, but this is how I caught Paige sleeping the other day. Both her feet are up on the rails. I have been wanting to move Paige into her big girl room, but I haven't found her a bed I like and honestly, she moves around WAY to much to be trusted in a normal bed. After seeing her thrash around, I am confident I have a bit more time to figure out her big girl room décor.

 

 

The leaves are just beginning to change down in the river bottoms behind my house. We went for a ride last night for the first time in two weeks. The weather really hasn't been good. There were multiple trees down thanks to our wind storm Monday. However, last night was perfect for a ride, and though I miss summer and hate the cold, we weren't eaten alive by bugs. Tucker was a stinker. The last two times we have ridden he has had a mind of his own. He only seems to give me grief and behaves for Mark. I think he knows he can buffalo me. Last night I handled it a bit better and even though things started rough, we ended up having a pretty fun ride. I felt like I held my own and at least attempted to be the boss. We have some work to do, and he seriously needs a butt kicking! Paige had such a great time and she holds Mark's saddle strings and calls them her reins. She is quite the vocal rider and likes to tell me what I am doing wrong. "You have to be nice and easy, Mom!" Yes I know that Paige, tell Tucker!

 

 

 

 

 

Training

Let me be clear and state that I normally do not compare my child with the pet dog, but in this case I have thought about it quite a bit. Potty training has been a dream of mine since the beginning of summer, but Paige never really showed much interest, and I didn't want to push it. Plus, it seemed just easier to change the diaper. Paige will be in Sunbeams come January, and I also have her on a preschool waiting list. Both of these things require her to be outta diapers. I thought about waiting a bit longer, but I wanted to give myself a bit of a cushion. She seemed to be a bit more ready as she had been announcing to me, strangers, and even President and Sister Clark at the airport that she was peeing and wanted me to look. After a pep talk from some other mothers, I decided to take the big plunge. I am sorry you have to read about this, but literally this has consumed my life for two weeks.

Roxy, our golden retriever is the sweetest dog ever, but no genius. However, she was potty trained in one day. She literally had one accident in our first house and felt so bad about it and feared me so much that it never happened again. Roxy has a very submissive personality. She is now no longer allowed in the house, but I can leave her in the garage for long periods of time and know she will cross paws if she must. Paige can't stand a mess. She cleans crumbs at our house, at restaurants, wherever they might be. She will not finish eating if she feels her hands are too messy. I thought this aversion to messes would make potty training a cinch. Apparently she can't stand a smidge of peanut butter on her fingers, but doesn't mind filling her shoes with pee. Paige is so stubborn and doesn't have a healthy respect or fear of me....AT ALL. She is fairly certain she is the boss, and sometimes I am fairly certain she is too! After the first two days I was ready to throw in the towel. I wasn't able to leave the house, she didn't care about her chart, or stickers, or treats, or threats, or bribes, or cool new big girl panties she picked out herself, or anything. Finally on day three I let her set the "potty timer" on my phone, which I guess is more exciting than any of these other things. Day three and four were seriously successful, especially compared to where we had been. I was a little floored to be honest with you. Of course the stickers and treats have been an important part of the process. I fear her teeth will not survive potty training.

Saturday we went for a horse ride, and I put her in a pull-up because, well riding buddy I wasn't thrilled with the thought of an accident. Sunday was church and she couldn't be trusted to go to nursery without a pull-up. That seemed to have set us back. The last two days we have had a bit of a regression. Hoping we get back on track. But this begs the question, why was the dog so easy?! Paige's brain is far superior and she is one smart cookie. Why is this so hard? And really I still don't know if I see the day when she can be trusted to 1. Tell me she needs to go and 2. Go out to any public place without a pull-up. Sigh. The road seems long! But we have come a LONG way. Before last week, we had 6 stickers on this chart. We have reached the end and started a new line that already has a few stickers on it. She is doing pretty good!

 

Other than spending all my time in a bathroom, or watching her like a hawk, I did participate in a stake activity. It was a marathon course but done as a team relay. I have not been running. I do other cardio, but my body has hated running lately. I forced myself to run 3 or 4 times and then decided that was good enough. I play soccer weekly and run there so that counts right? There had been a bit of drama over this particular stake activity and it was fairly ridiculous. I, myself, had a bad attitude which is also fairly ridiculous. My friend Kristy was our ward coordinator and she did so much work. I was supposed to be the team captain and she pretty much did all the work, and went above and beyond by ordering all our shirts and made us all race packets. If I had truly been the team captain, my team would have gotten a big ole text about where they needed to meet:) In the end, this event ended up being a blast. It was really fun and the drama was soon forgotten. I actually felt pretty good while running and enjoyed the run for the first time in a long time. I think I miss the race experience a bit. Maybe someday my knee and foot will allow for long distance running again.

 

 

This picture is of both teams from our ward. We were the Jello Jigglers and most of our team is not pictured. They started the race for us and we got all the glory for finishing it out. Katie and Lisa hung onto that Finish sign for a few hours to make sure it didn't blow away. Fortunately, they didn't either! I was worried about Katie there a few times!

 

 

As for other news, I am debating on whether or not to get an MRI on this stupid wrist of mine. It still bugs me daily. Not enough to be super painful, just enough to be annoying and persistent. I can curl light weights, but stapling papers or swatting flies hurts. It just seems fickle. The bones have healed up fabulously, but there maybe some soft tissue injury. I hate the "maybe." I like the obvious injury where the bone is sticking out and they know right away why it hurts. My biggest fear is that they do the MRI and see nothing. So it just bugs for no reason and I am a huge wuss for complaining or being annoyed by it. Then I just feel stupid for wasting time and money and whining about it. Kind of on the fence as whether to do the MRI or not. The doctor seems to think I shouldn't have any discomfort this far out from injury, and while it doesn't hurt necessarily, there is something not normal and it isn't what it used to be. If I only knew.....maybe I should just really hurt it so it's definite! And just in case my looming 30th birthday wasn't depressing enough, it looks like I might get braces for yet a third time. My metabolism is dying, my body is slowing down and falling apart, wrinkles are appearing, hair grows in awesome places, and I get to relive the awkward teenage years with braces, zits, and an overbite. Fabulous. I cried in the car after the orthodontist appointment and because I am over 19, insurance will not cover this. I have briefly considered just doing the jaw surgery because it may be paid by insurance, but I read a blog about a girl who had her jaw wired for 4 weeks and was excited about eating real food again. That sounds fairly inconvenient. I am looking forward to a second opinion on the matter next month. Between the wrist and the mouth we shall see how far our flex spending account can flex!

 

All my leads and adoption possibilities have all officially died. I guess it feels good to be off the roller coaster as we had some heart wrenching disappointment, but it stinks to feel like we are back to square one and playing the waiting game. I see no glimmer of light on the horizon either. I felt like a month ago there were options and they certainly are no longer viable. Boo. Guess that gives me lots more time to potty train and enjoy the one on one time I have with this special little girl of mine. I sure love her even if I have to get down and dirty with the laundry!

 

 



 

 

 

Recovery

I am SO behind on housework, but I am also a little behind on blogging and I have way more ambition to type than clean right now. It's a rainy day, so plenty of time to do all things indoors right?! The last two weeks have been an absolute blur. We helped my brother move over Labor Day (yay for having him closer!), we had one day to do laundry and then flew out early last Wednesday for a few days in California. Paige and I were pretty excited about seeing Mom and Dad, don't know how excited Mark was, his trip was mostly work.

 

 

It was only 5 in the morning, but this little bug was really excited to ride the plane. As much as it stinks to now have to buy a full priced ticket for this kiddo, it was rather enjoyable having everyone in their own seat. Paige did so great traveling. She really loved the plane ride.

 

 

 

Mark had meeting at a hospital right after we landed, so Paige and I tagged along and waited in the lobby for an hour. That was quite the experience. We were at a huge children's and maternity hospital in downtown LA. Note to others, when pining for a baby, don't camp out in the mother baby unit. Not to mention I had to pull out some serious tricks to entertain Paige in a hospital lobby for an hour. It did make for good people watching. LA is a different world than ours! We finally got to Mom and Dad's and waited a while before they got done with their meetings. Paige was so happy to see them and gave them the biggest hugs ever. She then wasted no time bossing them around. Suits and skirts are of no consequence, you are sitting on the grass and playing!

 

Mark aged a year while we there, and we gave him a party worthy of any 80 year old. Birthdays seem to go down the crapper each year you age. They used to be fun! Paige and I did pound out a cake, and we went to a delicious Mediterranean restaurant where Paige had a peanut butter sandwich. The rest of us were more daring and had some fabulous food.

 

There was a pretty impressive mall nearby, and we had a bit of extra time in between meetings on Friday, so we decided these dollar rides would have to substitute for Disneyland. Paige was pretty happy and Mark and I saved about 200 bucks. Let me tell ya, I like hot weather, but it was seriously HOT down there. Like 105 degrees with a bit of humidity hot. One day while everyone was in a meeting except for us, Paige and I tried to hit up the park. No one was there but us, which should have been a sign. The toys were blistering hot. Paige wanted to swing and would have for hours, but I was melting. The swings were on a rubber pad that acted as an oven. I was roasting. While talking to my little brother on the phone, I noticed sweat dripping off my elbow. We then decided to find a pool, but they were all closed for Fall. Really!? I am not sure how Dad is able to rock the full suit all the time. Paige insisted he climb into this small train car with her. I am sure his suit was worse for wear.

 

This was a tiny little carousel, but it was indoors so it quickly became a fan favorite.

 

On Friday night, Mom and Dad watched Paige while Mark and I went to an Angels game. It was my first Major League game and it was a lot of fun. My favorite part was not having to wear jackets once the sun went down. It was still plenty warm to rock a t-shirt and sandals, even at 10 pm. I didn't eat all day anticipating the ginormous hot dog Mark promised me. It was delicious, but I felt pretty disgusting enjoying the beast. I could feel my arteries closing and my life being shortened by ten years. It was good though, so I suppose it was worth it.

 

Can't leave without a terrible selfie of our only actual date in months. I am looking old and tired, and sigh, I am becoming old and tired. I think what little make up I had on earlier melted off my face.

 

 

Loved the atmosphere and I enjoyed seeing a professional sporting event, but it didn't change the fact that baseball is baseball. A game much more enjoyable when playing. It is SLOW. I think I will stick with watching football. There were a bunch of little kids at the park, like kids Paige's age. I can't think of anything worse than taking Paige to a game that is hours longer than church and trying to keep her entertained, and buying her an 80 dollar ticket to do it! Maybe when she is five she can come.

 

 

We spent a lot of time just doing this. Paige loves my mom and dad. She often told Mark and I to leave her alone and go away. She wanted to spend all her time with Boppa and Mamma. Can't say I blame her. My parents are doing great and working hard---and I mean hard! I honestly don't know how they do it. I was tired just watching them. So much is asked of them. I came home feeling rather guilty I find Visiting Teaching and other simple things I am asked to do so inconvenient. I am asked to do so little, and I often don't do it as willingly as I should. My parents are a good example to me and to their grandchildren. They are truly sacrificing their time, talents, and all that they have to serve other people. They serve with a willing heart and they give it their all.

 

Paige was off schedule and we did more playing than sleeping. She crashed on the way to the airport and could have slept through an earthquake. It was really hard to say goodbye. I miss having my parents close. I loved seeing them interact with Paige again. Things picked up right where they left off. Three years seems like an awfully long time still!

 

 

The day after we got back, a good neighbor came over and taught me to can peaches. This was a big deal for me. I am not very self reliant and am overwhelmed even thinking about all the things I don't know. Food storage and canning is so daunting to me. I am amazed at how much others know and the stock pile they create for themselves. Earlier this year, I mentioned to Susan, an amazing gardener and canner, that I wanted to help her and see how it was done. She instead offered to come help me. She was so sweet and even picked up the peaches for me since I was out of town when the shipment came in. Susan brought some supplies and her knowledge and spent the morning teaching me how to do it. It really wasn't that hard, just time consuming and a bit messy, but I felt a bit accomplished as I stared at the finished product. I still don't think I am going to cross the realm into super canner, and I will probably still buy most of my canned goods, but I feel good knowing I at least know the process and can do it!

 

 

That pretty much sums up the last two weeks and now I get to go clean two weeks worth of bathrooms and floors. Enthusiasm is waning. Still feels like we need a bit of recovery time and some extra sleep. It will feel good to get back into our boring old routine again. It's boring, but Paige and I like it! Speaking of recovery, the BYU football team seemed to make the most of their week and Mark and I were pretty excited to watch them stomp Texas. The season has hope yet!

 

Onward Ho

 

Nothing new and exciting around these parts, just doing our daily routine and feeling awfully drained for no good reason. Mark has caught his yearly cold/pneumonia, it's an August tradition. Paige and I have really been busy doing nothing, not sure how that works. This weekend we help my brother move in and I am pretty excited to have some of my family within a few hours drive. Next week we board the big plane to go see my parents. Paige is excited and talks about the plane everyday. She told me last night that we are riding the plane to see Boppa, and that he is going to take her to the park because he is "so nice." Never mind her mother takes her to the park multiple times a week. I'm sure the park Boppa has in mind is way better! Just to make sure my mom doesn't feel left out, she rounded out the conversation by conceding that "Mamma is nice too." Paige then told me it was time to sing one more song and then she needed to go to bed. Paige certainly is the boss! Not going to argue with her on that one though.

 

Besides our epic battle with the potty, Paige has decided naps aren't cool. However, Mom thinks naps are super cool and necessary. She still needs them and when she doesn't have one, the evening is full of meltdowns. We go through phases like this all the time, and I hope she gets back into the nap phase soon. I always feel amazing when I yell at her to get back in her bed and go to sleep. I'm sure it's awfully relaxing and soothing. Paige will now run to her bed, climb in, and pretend she is asleep when she hears me turn the door knob. Clever young one, but I watched you climb back in! Paige hates all food that is actually food, and the other night she saw me pull dinner from the oven. She told me it was gross, put herself in her room, and told me "I'm not gonna eat that, I am gonna be naughty." I was able to coax her into actually trying a bite thanks to our previous reading of "Green Eggs and Ham." Wouldn't you know it, she actually didn't hate it once it was in her mouth! For the record, it was spaghetti casserole, smothered in cheese. Wasn't like I was trying to get her to eat asparagus or something. She is kind of a sight and texture freak. If it looks weird, it is, and if it feels strange in her mouth, I get it back right away. 

 

 

Paige gets really excited about new clothes. We put her new dress on and curled her hair, and she told me she was "so pretty." She then gave me her prettiest smile. I'm sorry, but she's adorable.

 

We've hit up the carousel a few times this summer, probably not enough. We've come along way though, and we can now leave without throwing a tantrum. Makes it a happy event from beginning to end!

 

Paige was not excited I took this picture, but this is her current favorite thing to play with. We take turns wearing the crown, and she waves the wand and says, "abra cadabra." She loves being the princess, and loves when she makes me the princess. In the last few weeks she has played with her toys better than ever. She will go upstairs all on her own, and I can hear her playing and entertaining herself. I love to listen to her and see her imagination at work. It must be an age thing? Seriously her toys were largely ignored until this point. She has also been obsessed with this v-tech toy that teaches writing. She gets the loud one, I get the magna doodle, and we write. Talking toys are beyond annoying, but I think it's possible she is learning so annoying toy it is!

 

Mark was roping the dummy, and Paige decided to grab her rope, which is twine string, and she headed for Mark while he heeled. It was hilarious, she really took it seriously. I couldn't get any closer without interrupting, but had to capture their daddy daughter moment! Loving these late summer nights. Still in mourning that they are numbered.

 

 

With the close of summer comes the silver lining....college football! Seriously though, it rules the roost in the Fall. Mark and I are obsessed. Last night the season kicked off and we watched a whole lot of boring games just because it was football. Saturday is BYU's first game and when the real fun begins. Mark and I are already nervous and I am trying to be realistic and am setting myself up for a mediocre season. That way I am not disappointed and super surprised if it fares better!

 

Yesterday was also a mess. As much as tell myself that the adoption thing is going on hold, and I am not going to think about it, I am forced to think about it. I really try to just move on with the days and not stress about it, but it never seems to work. I honestly think the time isn't right. I know it isn't. I know we can wait and be more patient. I get so anxious for something to happen, and then kind of scared when I think something actually could. I get pretty scared at times to add #2. I hope all moms feel this way. It scares me to think they will out number me 2-1 while Mark is at work, and my patience could be much worse when sleep deprived. But then, I see babies, or baby things, or remember what it is like to snuggle a sleeping newborn and I get anxious. Anyway, I woke up and had an email in our adoption email inbox, and of course was freaking out. I spent most of the day researching if it was a scam. Love it. Love having to put ourselves out there but that is the price you pay. You have to put yourself out there! Anyway, after spending the morning feeling out the situation only to be discourage the only emails we get from itsaboutlove.org seem to be scams, I got an email late last night that a baby girl had been born in Texas and papers were being signed today at 1, and they needed a family urgently. The birth mother was looking at profiles and wanted more options. I so badly wanted to send our profile in for this beautiful, healthy, baby girl, but the fees are just so expensive. It was actually lower than most, and for an already born baby with less risk involved, it really pulled at my heart strings. Adoption is just emotionally draining. I knew the situation wasn't for us, even though I wanted it to be so badly. I just think it's crazy that in one day we can have two very different extremes. I suppose it's the equivalent of having morning sickness and other not fun things about being pregnant. Bringing a baby into your home is a process of high and lows, no matter which route you take. I know being pregnant would be a challenge, but I get a little irritated when people tell me how much easier it must be to adopt. Mark and I have both felt very frustrated and deflated this week. It hurts. It's not easy, but it is worth it. So---onward ho! 

 

 



Gratitude

Tonight, Paige and I spent some time alone together, walking the greenbelt. I was overwhelmed with gratitude as I spent an hour talking with this sweet little girl I get to call mine. I have worked pretty hard to ensure that when you ask her who her best friend is, she says "Mom." I also make sure she knows my answer to the same question is "Paige." We then exclaim we are best friends....and you know what? We ARE! There are days that are long and hard, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. She is my bright spot, my world, my miracle. I know I am biased, but I think she is the most beautiful little girl in the entire world. I adore her, she is beyond special. I can't believe I get to be her mom.

 

She really wanted to pet the ducks and geese. Paige asked them multiple times if they were happy. I promised her they were the happiest birds out there.

 

This girl loves to shop. She isn't quite an endurance shopper yet, but she knows what she wants when she sees it. These boots were an instant hit. She had to have them, and she had to wear them out of the store. We did get a fabulous sale price so it was an easy yes!

Paige talks... a lot! She talks really well and for the most part, I can catch every word. She is funny and full of sass (like seriously you have no idea, how she can be so sweet and sassy confuses me). A few of her favorite things to say recently: "I am too tired." She says this if I ask her to do anything she doesn't want to do, from eating to taking off her shoes. Any adult male is a  "big guy" and she likes to say "that's my Dad" or "that's my Mom." When I ask her if she is my baby, she says "No, I'm Paige." Sigh. that one makes me sad. Paige loves shows. I have created a monster and I am totally to blame. I bought a DVD that has 'Yo Gabba Gabba" on it, and she watches it over and over again in the car. She is obsessed. There is a silly song they sing about times to be quiet and times to be loud. When I woke her up for church from a seriously deep sleep, she jumped up and with drool on her face, immediately sang "loud, loud, LOUD!" Apparently she dreams about this show! Once in a while she will say something totally random and I have no idea where it comes from. The other day in the car she randomly said, "Mom, an owl says hooo, hoo, hoo." Yes, yes it does.

Paige tells me that everything I feed her is "gross." She will also tell me she needs to go potty, while she is messing her shorts. She still has no desire to potty train, and is stubborn enough that when we try, she will sit on the toilet and hold it....for like 45 minutes. She likes to help me do laundry and vacuum, but really loves to feed Roxy and Boots. She takes this chore very seriously. She fills their bowls, then demands that they eat. Anyone catching the irony?

I can't describe how lucky and blessed I feel to have Paige in our home. She truly is our miracle baby. I tell her that, I tell anyone that asks about her that. I still can't make sense of it sometimes. It doesn't seem possible that I have the most wonderful child who came from the most wonderful birth family. I think working through the process again, I am realizing more and more that we are SO BLESSED. Thank you, thank you, thank you, my angel Olivia. Thank you for being you, thank you for being a part of our lives, thank you for being amazing, and thank you for giving me the most priceless gift. Paige is amazing. She is strong, beautiful, loving, and oh so much like you! And Melissa, thank you for all you do for us. Thank you for being so much more than a friend. Thank you for letting us be a part of your lives. Thank you for being family. We love you all!

Ups and Downs

Life has been pretty hectic around these parts. All self inflicted. I feel like I am slowly becoming a smart phone addict. It was only a few months ago I was fighting against a phone upgrade, and maybe I should have fought harder! The iPhone battery cannot keep up with demand. Between the forums I have joined ( I really want to spell that word with an "n" on the end, why? For my own joy I wish I could use my only spelling rules on my personal blog....anyways...) and the emails I have sent out, I check in like every ten minutes. So unnecessary and really annoying to anyone around me I am sure. I have felt anxious and unsettled all week and I feel at any minute I am going to get great or terrible news delivered to my inbox. I keep thinking I need to step back from my adoption networking and let things be, and then someone in the forum posts a great situation lead, or they post about their wonderful match or their wonderful new baby. On one hand I am so happy for people, on the other hand I am so jealous of people! I know I need to be more patient, but why is it so hard!? I was reading my own past posts last night and it was awful. First, Paige was like a baby. Seriously, how does she look so different in 6 months? Or last summer when she was 1.5, she was a baby. I miss it. I keep thinking we are so new in our adoption journey, until I read about my baby hungry self last summer---and I still had a baby around! Let's be honest though, a baby last summer would have sent me to the loony bin. Maybe it still isn't the right time yet and my plan and His plan are going to have to figure out each other. ...meaning mine is going to have to change for the undoubtedly better one. Sometimes it's hard to let go and trust in that, even though I know it's the right thing to do.

My FB status the other day alluded to my inability to make decisions, even small ones regarding what I want to eat, or what candy bar I should buy. Well I learned a tough lesson last week. If you stand around too long deciding what candy bar to choose, someone else knows a good thing when they see it and will eat all the candy bars for you. Decision made. Paige and I have had swimming lessons the last two weeks, during our gym time, so exercise has taken a serious hit, but I was able to squeeze a workout in the other day. It's a great time for me in a lot of ways. I usually listen to General Conference while I exercise, and I feel like it's a spiritual and physical boost for me. Anyway, I was listening to President Monson's talk from last October. He spoke about the Lord being in the details of our lives, that there are no coincidences, and that we need to listen to promptings and act on them when they happen. I just cried. Last week I really feel like I had some signs, promptings and "coincidences" and while I sat there trying decide what to do, someone made the decision for me. I was too late. I missed out---we missed out. I am hoping that wasn't our only chance at a miracle, but I know it has made my emotions this week all over the place.

Paige and I have really enjoyed swim class. It is only about 30 minutes, but has successfully made anything else going on that day impossible. Swimming is a lot of work! It ended yesterday, and I look forward to having my days back, but I am really glad we did it. Paige seemed to improve her comfort level in the water, and I learned another valuable lesson. Even though I can teach her piano, or violin, or to swim, I will pay someone else to do it.  When I taught swimming lessons, I was more patient with other people's kids. When Paige freaks out about not wanting to float on her back, I am not nice. Not nearly as patient as I was with my students, well most of them;)  I just want to tell her to suck it up and float on her back dang it! I can only imagine what teaching her piano would be like.....we would not be friends.

 

Paige was pretty much the oldest in the class, but she wasn't old enough to be in the actual pre-school class. We felt like the awkward middles.

 

My little brother has been in town for the week in between semesters. It has been really fun having him around. He will be doing an internship in NYC this fall, he is a city loving boy and this will be the second time has lived in the Big Apple. The kid is a dreamer, but he makes it happen and makes it all a reality. I wish I had a bit more dreamer in me. I was always too scared, or too realistic or something. I feel like I missed out and definitely limited my own possibilities. Oh to be young and ambitious! Live it up while it lasts! We hit up our favorite lunch spot and Paige watched Jay and I eat. How does she live? Anyway, super cute picture of the two of them.

 

 

My poor sweet grandma fell and broke her hip about a week ago. She is the sweetest lady on the planet, but always seems to draw the short straw. She hasn't felt good for awhile, and I am sure a broken hip isn't going to help that out at all. Grandma truly is the most patient and kind person I know. And when I say patient.....I mean the type of patience angels are made from. Love her. Having experienced a small break, I can't imagine the amount of pain this lady is in, and she had to have a big 'ole rod and pins. Needless to say, she will be in a rehab facility for awhile. The three of us stopped by after our lunch date. Paige found a friend in Grandpa and snuggled up for a good ten minutes. My Grandpa is a loving guy, but not in the affectionate, obvious way. Growing up, if  he made fun of you, you knew he loved you. He's grown a bit softer with age, and he kind of loves "the cute little shit"  I bring with me. (totally Grandpa for ya, I hear this every time I see him, sorry if it offends!)The picture kind of melts me a bit. My dad is fairly certain Paige was reminded of him as she snuggled with HIS dad.

 

The physical therapist was very kind and patient even though he had an audience. He let Paige help Grandma do her therapy. Paige thought putting those colored pegs in was the best game ever. Wonder if Grandma felt it was.....I am sure she enjoyed it more having the cutest assistant ever! I love these two. I feel blessed to live close enough to see them regularly, I need to make it happen more. Time is catching up, and there will come a day when visiting at the kitchen table will be a memory I wish I had more of.

 

Freedom!

Can somebody slow time down? Goodness the days are moving fast. I have had so much fun lately, most of it involving horseback riding. Last week I ditched my normal riding partner (Mark) and went with my good friend Beth. She essentially acted as my ranch hand. She picked me up, trailered my horse, saddled my horse, bridled my horse, the works. First class service I tell you! I had the best time though (no offense Mark). It was so leisurely and a whole lot of talking went on. Saturday was clean the house catch up day. I worked while Mark went for a motorcycle ride. He rewarded me with another horse ride that night though, so it worked out. We went to a friends arena which is always a good time. I am able to work on things that aren't possible on a trail type ride. Tucker is unbelievable in the arena, and Paige rides him herself in there. She loves it and thinks she is a pretty big deal. She requested a rope as she rode. Silly girl. Tucker puts his head down and follows me as I walk around the arena. Paige holds the reins and is certain she is in control.

Sunday we took a drive and checked out some of the local waterfalls. It was a nice little family excursion. We tried our best at a family "selfie"-----not easy I tell ya!

 

I am holding Paige, leaning in for the shot, and looking twenty years older than I am. At least you can't see the awesome complexion I am rocking. The wrinkles are distracting from the acne and melasma. How do I get so lucky to have the skin of a 14 year old and a 65 year old? And we weren't able to catch the waterfall in there, but at least no ones head is chopped off! Mark had Paige on his shoulders as he peered over the guardrail. Let's talk about over protective mommy. I was freaking. I was having all sorts of mental pictures of Paige tumbling over the cliff. Mark was not concerned and laughed at me. Maybe I'm a nervous nelly, but seriously someone has to be on my side!

 

 

Monday was the big day, the day the smelly cast and I parted ways. The freedom and excitement of the experience was shattered as I realized how uncomfortable that freedom is after 6 weeks of confinement. Apparently, only half of the break has healed. I have one side that is still completely cracked, and honestly there is a fairly substantial gapping. The doctor didn't seem too concerned, besides giving me a brace to wear when I do anything active. I find it a bit unsettling. In summary, it is still broke but I am to act like it isn't.  I have about 30 degrees of movement, it is so stiff. I am to improve that or face physical therapy. Trying to move past that isn't easy. Paige and I have been doing Mommy 'n Me swim class and it is both fun and torturous. I am constantly lifting and catching her and it is beyond uncomfortable. Maybe one of these times I will catch her and it will either snap into full motion, or just help that crack along.

 

 

Saying goodbye to the bacteria farm.

 

The withered limb. Washing my hands fully was a joy. Once I got all the dead skin off, I had a pretty cool tan line. This wrist is actually bigger than my left now, not smaller, so withered might be the wrong word.

 

 

Boots is a little bipolar. She can be very friendly, or very----not. Paige shared her chalk which seemed to please the cat, and the cat even allowed Paige to decorate her a bit.

 

Mark is always giving Paige a ride on his shoulders, I caught her doing this with her baby doll the other day. Too funny, but also slightly scary as that baby glares into the camera with the sinister smile. Why do baby dolls appear so creepy sometimes?

 

 

I have spent the remainder of this week adoption networking as much as possible and talking to a million attorneys it seems like. It is a rollercoaster and there are things that give me hope, and things that discourage me. I have become a skeptic and I am forever fearful of scams or dishonesty or losing lots of money due to a disruption. It is scary to trust strangers in different states. I have been trying to talk with them to get their program details, and then I spend hours looking for references and checking licenses, and hoping they are who they say they are. I do feel like being proactive has helped me feel in control at least a little. In adoption, it often feels like you have no control or say. You are at the mercy of so many others, and it is one of the hardest things. You are often trusting complete strangers with your heart, your emotions, and your money. Sadly, there are so many stories of people more than willing to take advantage of desperate families. But, I have come across some new avenues and things I haven't considered before, and I have lots of leads. I have learned a lot too which is never a bad thing.  I feel hopeful and so we forge on!