Saying Goodbye to Insecurities

We all have our insecurities, and if someone ever points them out to us, it sticks with us for a long time. One day during high school seminary, a girl (not me) told Mark his head looked like an odd shaped grape. I am sure that she didn't think twice about it, and we all say things like that. Little did she know that that comment would stick with Mark forever. I have had to live married life constantly consoling Mark that his head wasn't deformed and that I didn't think it resembled fruit. He was so worried that one day, when he was a little older than 27, he would go bald and the world would see how ugly his head was. I know when he learned he was going to lose his hair, he was scared and self-conscious.

I dreaded the day his hair would start to fall out. It was easy to ignore the cancer when Mark looked the same and felt good. The idea of him being bald meant that everytime I looked at him, I would know he was sick. I couldn't pretend anymore that things were just fine. I am not going to lie, after hearing about his head for a few years, he got me a little nervous about that too. Starting Thursday night, every time Mark scratched his head, a few hairs would come out. It started rubbing off on everything, and while he still had most of it, it was depressing and uncomfortable. Today, we decided to just get rid of it. His spinal headache came back, and our wonderful friend down the road offered to not only shave his head, but give it a massage to try to help the headache. Mark said it felt wonderful! We waited with baited breath, wondering what we would find when all the hair was gone....lumps, moles, divets, seeds, grapes, small children? Here is the before picture, notice his cheeks are starting to get a little bit round from the steroids.

Uncovering the monster....

And the moment we have all been waiting for.....the big reveal!

I think we were all pleasantly surprised, he doesn't look like a grape at all! I think he has a cute head. We kind of want to hunt down that girl and show her she didn't know what she was talking about. He doesn't even have a weird mole. There is a huge red spot where a lymphoma used to be; that's a little interesting but overall Mark is loving it. He is much more comfortable. He did say it was a little colder outside than it used to be. He is beginning to agree with those that have told him hair is overrated! Mark is hoping that his buds shave their heads in support. (i.e Weston, Braxton, Coy).

"We are grateful that today is over"

That is a short segment from Mark's prayer tonight. It pretty much sums up what today was like. Today was one of those reality days, when you realize that he really is sick, and this really isn't a walk in the park. It was rough. We spent the entire day getting chemo. 9:30-6:30 straight, no breaks. Mark is very sensitive to the first drug, Rituxan. They have to infuse it very slowly, that was compounded by the fact we were having complications from his "back poke." As time goes on, this process will get shorter. Mark started the day with the lumbar puncture, and it didn't go so well. It took two tries before it worked. The spaces in between his vertebrae are small, so it made the process difficult. Next time, the best area for access will be mapped a little better so it won't be as bad. It hurt him today, I thought he was going to pass out on me. He hung in there, but later developed a spinal headache that was severe. Since the odds of getting a spinal headache from the lumbar aren't good, they weren't sure if it was the Rituxan causing the headache, so they slowed it down, even stopped it for awhile. Our nurse told us this is the first time in ten years she has seen someone in his scenario get a spinal headache. That Mark, he seems to be drawing all the lucky cards this week. He spent most of the day completely flat, it was the only way to relieve his head.  We had an incredible nurse who made our many hours very comfortable. We love our medical staff! Even the ones with large harpoon needles. Our highlight of the day? We made it into the cool kids club. Dr Hancock teased us about our lack of acceptance initially, but we kept our heads held high. We are in! Mark and I are loving our new Ironman bracelets.

Despite all the drama, his appetite was still raging and he ate more calories than any human should probably ingest in one day. He has only gained 4 lbs back of the 10 lbs he lost. Shocking really, considering his new diet. I am sure it will start showing up here soon. If not, life really isn't fair. I wouldn't mind eating that way once in awhile! The night ended with a bang as he pulled out a few clumps of hair. It is only a matter of time. Mark was in good spirits throughout it all, especially tonight. His headache lightened up and he was able to sit and visit with his good friend all evening. They were still up and having a good time when I got home late. All in all, we really are grateful that today is over. 2 cycles down, 6 to go.

Mark pre-headache

Mark mid-headache

Luck

I never considered myself to be lucky. The only thing I have ever won was a Berenstein Bear book during a Bronco Booty drawing in the first grade. I pretty much thought it was the best day ever. I got to leave class, go to the office, pick up my prize, and learn about strangers from Brother and Sister Bear. My little brother on the other hand, won a car in high school. Yes, that would be my life. Bought a new car, it got hit less than a week later. Both of our horses got out, but Mark's crossed the road safely. I won't bore you with the entire list. Mark, on the other hand, didn't seem to have luck at all. Good or bad. Most everything he has, he has gained through hard work. His life used to be quite boring. Oh boring, I miss you! The only sure thing about luck is that it changes sooner or later. For us, it seems to be sooner.

If you look back at one of my earlier posts, I mentioned a CT scan Mark had done the second day he was in the hospital. The scan went well overall, nothing too serious.  There was a benign looking blemish in his kidney, and a lesion on his hip bone. The lesion was EXACTLY where Dr. Hancock took the bone marrow biopsy, so it seemed too coincidental that the one lesion that showed up happened to be the one place biopsied. Literally, there was a one in a million chance that Mark's bone marrow biopsy would come back positive. We felt assured, and put it out of our minds. Fast forward about two weeks, and as luck would have it, Dr. Hancock indeed took a biopsy of the one lesion Mark had. Yes, Mark's biopsy came back positive. GRRRRRR.

Before I could get too down on our luck, our amazing doctor put it into a new perspective for us. Had he taken the biopsy from Mark's right hip, the results would not have been the same. We would not have had  the entire picture or location of the cancer. Mark would have done 6 cycles and we would have called it good. Sometime later, the cancer would have come back. Honestly, I can't think of anything more depressing than thinking you were done, only to have it come back later. We want this gone--for good. So, this does change Mark's treatment plan. His cancer went from a stage 2B to a stage 4B. We have learned the numbers don't matter much, just Mark's response to treatment. Since his cancer is  fast growing, it also responds quickly and correctly to chemo. That doesn't change with the new development. However, we jumped immediately to 8 cycles. Mark will also receive chemo directly into his spinal fluid affectionately known as a 'back poke". He will get this each time he goes in for his regular chemo treatments. With good advice and reasoning from the doctor, these lumbar punctures will make sure the chemo gets into the central nervous system, a sneaky place where sneaky cancer cells like to lurk undetected, only to manifest themselves at a later date. The bone marrow bridges a nice pathway for cancer cells to infect the central nervous system, even though Mark's initial spinal fluid test came back negative. As I said before, we would rather go overboard and be sure we sought out and killed every possible cell, than leave some of them hanging around to haunt us later.

I told Mark we should think about buying a lottery ticket tonight since we seemed to be the "one' in the one in a million chance. I guess this luck thing has two sides. It is bad that Mark's cancer is further reaching, but how lucky are we that Dr. Hancock biopsied the EXACT location of the lesion? How lucky are we that we caught it now rather than later? How lucky are we that we have a great clinic here in the sticks with amazing physicians and staff? How lucky are we that we are surrounded by amazing family and friends? I won't consider us cursed with bad luck quite yet. In fact, each day Mark and I realize more and more that there isn't much luck in life at all. I remember when I was little, I used to think how lucky that Samuel the Lamanite guy was that not one of those arrows hit him...I missed the boat on that one for awhile (this was around the same time that I thought  "By this 'shalmenno' --ye are my disciples " was some special one word scripture phrase and the coolest part of the song.) Heavenly Father is pretty mindful of us and miracles happen everyday.

Speaking of amazing friends and miracles, we had few brighten our day. One woman, who is struggling with infertility and just got back from her second round of invitro, brought us an amazing care package. How thoughtful considering she has enough on her plate. We also had some special visitors, whom we love, bring both Mark and I our own packages. Don't tell Mark, mine is totally cooler, but his IS special. How many people can say they have a personalized throw-up bucket complete with a handle.

As you can see, the inside even has instructions. I am considering putting a similar message in the bottom of the toilet.  My favorite part was the liter measurements on the side. If Mark starts hitting those numbers, we might be in big trouble. There are even perfect little bags we can use to line the bucket. How clever is that? We hope he doesn't have to use it too much. We will see how this second round goes.

On a completely random note, when I went to get the mail yesterday, I heard some commotion behind me. When I turned around this is what I saw:

That would be my totally cute dog wondering when I was going to come and let her out of her kennel. The snow falls off the roof and piles up so she can reach. She usually isn't tall enough to peek over like that. It made me laugh just a little. I wish more people got that excited to see me. If Mandi had a dog as cool as mine, she wouldn't hate them so bad:) AND she would let it sleep in the laundry room if it was super cold and had arthritis. Mandi, I am just sayin!

Who Doesn't Like a Makeover??

Today, once again, was a pretty normal day. Mark spent most of it at work. He just woke up from his post-work nap, ate some ice cream, and groaned to see that ice dancing was the highlight of the olympic night. But, for me, today was totally exciting!

How cute is this blog?!? I feel like I was treated to a day at the spa. My good 10th Ward, high school pal Kassie totally hooked me up. I have faithfully blog stalked her for years. Her blog is always amazingly cute and she gets to live in a nice warm place. I am jealous of her in many ways:) I am glad that she counts me as one of her friends. She does great digital scrapbooking and blog designs. She is very talented and has extended her work to all sorts of things, invites, cards, the works! As you can see, she is incredible. I was so excited that we were able to hook up. My blog was a little sad before, which was fine with the ten people that knew about it and read it. I have noticed a few more people have been stopping by, and I was starting to get a little embarassed. I am still figuring out this computer thing, and I was impressed I was able to blog at all. Kassie takes blogging to a whole new level. It felt like Christmas, I couldn't wait to see what she came up with. I gave her a photo, some color options, and away she went! I didn't have to do a thing. Finally, the wait was over and I couldn't have imagined a better result. Thanks Kassie! It is amazing and seriously made my day! Mark also gives his stamp of approval:) If you want a cute header, background, ANYTHING check out Kassie's blog:  http://designsbykassie.blogspot.com/

We have appointments Wednesday and Thursday this week. Wednesday is just a visit to talk about the treatment plan and get a few questions answered. They called Mark today and asked if we would come in to talk to Dr Hancock, but that it was nothing to be alarmed about. I am sure that is true--but I still feel slightly alarmed haha. Thursday is really the big day, but I am sure it too will be fine. We are excited to get the royal treatment from the nurses at the office. We have heard nothing but good things about them. Once again, thank you to everyone who continues to read and send comments our way. We look forward to them and read them together everyday. We continue to gain strength from all of you. God bless you all!

Rekindling Hope

Sorry it's been a few days, but there really wasn't much to say. Mark has felt better than he has in weeks. I have been trying to figure out if Mark is a kid, an elderly person, or a pregnant woman. I am beginning to think he might pregnant. It is great someone at our house can relate to that situation. If any of you have been pregnant, or have taken care of a pregnant woman, then you know what it has been like living with Mark the last few days. He is tired, has morning sickness, has strange cravings, and a serious case of the munchies. He woke up in the middle of the night craving Eggo waffles; he hasn't had some of those since he was a kid.

Saturday, Mark woke up and had a strong desire to play with a puppy. Strange I know, but since I love puppies, I was an easy sale. He decided he wanted a puppy and he wanted to name it Chemo. Since we already have a dog, I told him we couldn't have two, but someday when I get a new horse I promised him I would name it Chemo. Mark thought it was perfect, since some days we would love and appreciate it, and other days we would feel like beating it with a stick. We went to Sportsman's Warehouse and as luck would have it, the parking lot was seething with adorable puppies. After getting our fix, Mark ate all the chips and salsa Garcia's felt like bringing out. It was a fun day out. Since he has treatment this coming Thursday, we felt we better make this weekend a good one, next one might not be as fun.

Tonight, I have decided to repost our adoption ticker. The Thursday Mark was diagnosed, I took it off and kissed that dream goodbye. I felt that was one thing we would never be able to do. It was so hard since we are so close to getting our home study done. The doctor told us we still needed to go on with life as planned, but I could not see how that would work. I was so upset and emailed our caseworker the next day to tell him our plans had changed. Our caseworker said the same thing, and told us that with a note from the oncologist we could move ahead. I decided to put it out of my mind; it was too depressing. During church, I couldn't help but think I was making a mistake.  After all, we had already paid our fees, and the study is good for a year. Who knows where we might be in a few months?  Once you have a study done, it is much cheaper to update it as needed rather than starting all over. I figure we might as well finish it and see what else the Lord might have in store for us.

I submitted our profile and paperwork online tonight. It was already done, just waiting for me to click send. I was scared to do it. Mark and I went from being great candidates to "damaged" goods pretty quickly. Initially, we figured nobody would want to place a child with us anymore. After deciding today to go ahead with it, a new thought came to mind. Perhaps some might be wary, but rather than being "damaged," Mark and I feel like this will only make us stronger in the end. With the right attitudes, we will be better off because of this trial. I suppose, if we let it, it could tear us down, make us bitter, and angry. Hopefully we make the right choices and come out on top. So far so good. That ticker might be on longer, it might count higher, but someday, we still hope it happens.

One Week Later

It is strange to think that one week ago today I was an emotional wreck. Today I am feeling too blessed to be as angry as I was that night. After the initial shock, Mark and I have felt so positive and so grateful. The young women in our ward are working on reading the Book of Mormon all the way through so that they can earn a trip to the General Young Women's meeting in March. I just got put in, so I have a long ways to go, so I only just got through Mosiah a week or two ago.  I love Mosiah 24, and I couldn't have read it at a better time.  It is about Alma and his people who are suffering through bondage at the hands of Amulon. The Lord promised that he would ease their burdens so that they might later stand as witnesses that the Lord does visit his people in their afflictions.

In verse 15 it reads, "yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheefully and with patience to all the will of the Lord." I am not there yet, but I do feel like the Lord has blessed Mark and I with peace of mind and strength. I don't know how patient I am, and I am not grateful for this trial completely yet, nor am I always cheerful about it,  but I do feel blessed. I do feel like I can testify that yes, the Lord does visit us in our afflictions!

Tonight was a night where we totally did feel cheerful. One of the great blessings of this trial are the relationships Mark and I have been able to start, develop, and the ability to strengthen existing ones. We love people! This world is full of amazing people. We had such a great time at dinner with a sweet family and a very strong little boy. Mark and Jace seem to be kindred spirits and share many things in common, one being their love for baseball. Mark and his family are avid Boston fans, so we decided we wanted to give something to Jace to help forge a link and a friendship, start a new relationship. When Jace walked in and saw Mark in his Red Sox coat, he told us it was his favorite team too. I think Mark was relieved he didn't say Yankees! I hope they don't mind me posting these, I forgot to ask, but they are just too darn cute and I can't help myself. Have you ever seen such handsome boys? They almost look like an advertisement for the majors. I told Jace he was ready to hit spring training!

"Normal"

All in all, today felt pretty normal. Mark felt good and even put a few hours in at work. Oddly enough, that was harder on me than him. For the first time in a week, I was alone. I sat on the couch and thought, "Hmm, now what. Maybe I can watch a show that Mark hates." I couldn't relax, I was worried Mark would get to work and not feel well. Since I had purged the house on Monday, I didn't have much to do to keep my mind and hands busy (with that being said, I am not looking for something to do, especially if it is something bad, so know that it was ok to be bored for a minute, don't assign me anything:)). My mind slowly drifted down the path of feeling sorry for myself, so I livened the mood with various songs, including the theme from Schindler's List. Sitting in my melancholy mood, feeling slightly alone, and a little guilty that the person with cancer was being more productive, I thought of something my wise little brother wrote to me on Tuesday. He told me that his favorite part of the Gospel is the knowledge we never have to face anything alone, not ever. Even when we think we are, we are not. The Savior was the only person that ever had to face a trial truly alone, and he did it so we would never have to know how it felt. Pretty insightful for a kid I like to call Chubbs. I guess he has grown up on the mission even more than I thought. I hate admiting this considering we have been blessed by a tremendous outpouring, but once in a while, when things get quiet, fear has a way of creeping in. It doesn't last long.

On a happier note, I learned something today. First and foremost, another embarassing confession. My family will laugh because they already know this, but despite my "tomboy" exterior, I am a total drama queen. I guess it is one feminine quality that I have always embraced and will probably continue to do so. I have always loved a good romance, a chick flick, a great story. Since Valentine's was a wash, I am now reflecting on love on Ash Wednesday. Bet most of you didn't know it was Ash Wednesday. My grandpa told me it was, so it must be true. Anyway, back to the good part, the drama-- I always wanted a really exciting love life, movie worthy. If you know Mark, he is no Casanova, (sorry babe) but he has plenty of other endearing qualities. When we were trying to decide whether or not to get married, I struggled. I am not a decisive person and I hate to admit this, but I was slightly disappointed that nothing incredibly romantic happened. No songs, no dances, no fireworks, just a good guy. I was so afraid of the eternal commitment and my dad really helped me to realize what love is all about. He told me a million times that I needed to be more selfless. I needed to serve Mark. If I was feeling rotten, I needed to make sure I did some sort of service for Mark, even if it was small. Even after I was married, if I struggled with a marital problem, this was the answer I got. It wasn't always the answer I wanted to hear. This was not as fun as picturing Mark chasing after my car after I stormed out in a huff.

The longer we are married, the more I understand the work and effort it takes to build an eternal marriage. It doesn't just happen. Love's magic comes more often through choice than actual "magic." A lot like happiness. I have listened to my dad's advice and tried to put it to good use. It has come apparent to me in the last few days how much I love Mark. A lot of it has to do with the fact we care more about the well being of each other and are mindful of each other. We aren't the most lovey dovey people, especially in public, but we rarely fight and we always say that we love each other before we part or got to bed. Today, I was packing a lunch for Mark, it made me feel like my mom. She packs a lunch everyday for my dad, isn't that romantic? Anyway, I was making Mark a sandwich to take to work. He was getting some stuff together and he said, "I know you love me." I thought he said, "I love you" so I said "Love you too." He corrected me and said, "No, that isn't what I said. I said I know you love me." He took his lunch and left. I thought about that all day, and I realized that meant more to me then anything else he could have said or done. It was an interesting thing for him to say. I am grateful that Mark knows that I love him. I am grateful he knows that I will happily disinfect the house, remind him to double flush the toilet and sanitize his hands, and that I will happily take care of his throw-up bucket. I don't mind it at all because I love him, and he would do the same for me. Now, if that isn't romantic I don't know what is!

A Good Day

Today was exciting, yes exciting. Mark and I went on two field trips. The first was to get his shot to help boost his immunity system. Dr Hancock told us Mark could stop taking the antibiotic that was causing vomiting. It was great news! Mark celebrated by eating two plain cheeseburgers from Artic Circle. They had to be from Artic Circle, that is what sounded the best. Mark's next chemo will be Thursday February 25th. The office is very thoughtful and they figured if we went in on Thursdays, Mark would feel good enough to go to work on Mondays. We ran a few errands, went to his orthopaedic appointment, and then Mark decided he had had enough and slept for a few hours. He thanked me for taking him on errands, ha, that was a first! It felt good to get out of the house. The only real symptom today besides fatigue was a rotten taste in his mouth. We searched our "cancer" bag and the Blo Pops did the trick. Thanks Ironman!

After eating dinner, (yes dinner!!) Mark felt good enough to go to the ward talent show. When you are stoked, totally stoked, about going to the ward talent show, you know life's enjoyments have been re-evaluated. Since the place would be seething with kids, Mark had to go with a mask and some hand sanitizer. I was hoping that Mark would pull out a sweet talent, like the moonwalk or something since he totally looked the Michael Jackson part. He disappointed and didn't dance at all; he sat hidden in the back and just scared a few little ones who didn't recognize him.  The bishopric, high priests, and elders quorum finished the night with a bang performing a stirring rendition of "Pants on the Ground" Thanks guys, it felt so good to laugh and smile:) and now you get a special place on our blog. At least no one can recognize ya!

Our President's Day

Oh the holidays in our lives. This one never meant that much to me. I always looked at it as one of those sweet Mondays off. Nothing like a 4 day weekend! Today was no exception. Mark and I had a pretty amazing day off.

Mark's President's Day

Haha. I am sure there will come a day when I tire of taking pictures of Mark passed out. Today is not that day. You all might wonder why I keep posting sleeping pictures. I, however, think this picture says a thousand words. This kid is tired. Really tired, can you tell? He hasn't had much of an appetite. I did have a fleeting thought that I should shove something nutritious down that open mouth, but I fought the urge. That nice ensemble to the right is his throwup bucket and towel. Fortunately, he did not have to use it once today. When you sleep all day, you don't have the oppurtunity to feel all the awful side affects. We got a VERY helpful tip on how to best take the Prednisone and it worked like a charm. Slid right down! I cheated and did not give him his antibiotic. I think the antibiotic makes him throw up, the chemo just makes him nauseated. I told him if he would eat, I wouldn't make him take his antibiotic and we would just lie and say we did.....

Jenny's President's Day:

I had a slight freak out, OCD moment today when I realized my house was probably a disgusting place and Mark's immune system shouldn't have to be on high alert at home. I cried and panicked, but calmed down and spent the entire day scrubbing, disinfecting, and doing laundry. I still worry that my lack of absolute cleaning knowledge has left a little to be desired, but it did help resolve the panic attack and divert my attention to something else. I have always loved Clorox wipes, today I might write the Clorox Company a little note of appreciation. I love them even more.

Thanks to all who stopped by today. It was nice to have company and some sort of fun. We had an amazing dinner and Mark even was able to eat a little bit. He is still super sensitive to smells and not having to make something in the kitchen that will stink up the whole house was an absolute blessing. The Snow Fairy visited my house today, I don't when. I didn't hear anybody and I have been home all day. Mark had a craving for raspberry dressing on his salad and mine expired about 2 years ago. I drove to the store and when I came home I noticed that the front walkway looked a little less treacherous. Thank you Snow Fairy! Now visitors can come to the front door instead of through the laundry room. It's more inviting that way I am sure. I am beginning to think of all the special mystical people, Santa, the tooth fairy, the Easter bunny, etc, the Snow Fairy is becoming a fast favorite! Once again, thank you all for the comments, thoughts, prayers and concerns. We love you all!

Home at last

This post won't be as long, I am running out of insightful remarks. Right now Mark and I are witnessing reality setting in right before our eyes. I will start with the good news.

The good news is we came home today. He had a good morning and kept his oxygen levels above 90. We even took a cruise around the hospital without shortness of breath. Dr Hancock came to discharge and went over Mark's abdomen CT scan. It looks good overall. There is a lesion in Mark's kidney, but having a kidney cyst of even a small stone he will never feel is very possible. He believed it was probably benign, but we will see in a few weeks if it has changed when we do the PET scan. If it has, it is likely a lymphoma. Either way it doesn't matter, the chemo treatment is the same no matter where the cancer is. There also was a spot on his hip bone, EXACTLY where the Dr Hancock did the bone marrow biopsy so it is pretty much from the biopsy and not a lesion. We will not get the bone marrow tests sometime next week, but there is a very slim chance, one in a million, that will come pack positive. He also had a lump on his scalp that went away after chemo which makes us believe it was also a lymphoma. Once again, it won't change anything, just help stage Mark.

Since his nausea last night, Mark has not eaten one thing. Not even water. He did take some prednisone which he coughed up. When we got home, Mark crashed on the couch and slept for 4 hrs. When he woke up, he actually felt like eating a bit. Applesauce sounded good and Gatorade to drink. We were so excited that something sounded good. He couldn't even watch food commercials so this felt like a big break through. He ate it and felt pretty good. He then took his antibiotic. Poor kid, we are going to have to try something else and a different routine tomorrow. Hopefully applesauce sounds good again someday. We forget he is sick and then, like I said, reality comes back and he can't even keep down a few spoons of applesauce.

Some of you have asked about Mark's cancer. He are a few resources we were directed to. http://www.lls.org/ and http://www.lymphoma.org/. You kind of have to poke around. Start with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, then find diffuse large b-cell lymphoma. I tried to do a direct shortcut to the pdf article on lymphoma. org but it is massive. So, if you Google diffuse large b-cell lymphoma and look at the first link after the sponsored links, it is the very first one. It says PDF right next to it. It is a very brief, small summary but paints a good picture.

Thanks again for all your prayers and support. Mark appreciates the phone calls and visits, even if he doesn't feel well enough to talk.

Angels Among Us

Once again, late at night, I find myself in deep reflection. My sleep schedule is totally messed up and honestly, I don't mind. I like the night. I find it peaceful and calming. I love to stick my ipod in, watch Mark sleep,and think about the day. There is something beautiful about the late night, even at the hospital. I drive home and back and see like two cars the whole time. It is calm and quiet.

Today, I was again overwhelmed by the great people that surround us. We were blessed with visitors and well wishes. I love when they come to our little world and bring a piece of theirs. As they came and went, I couldn't help but think of one of my favorite talks. This quote is from a Conference talk Elder Holland gave in October 2008. I can't believe it has been that long. I swear he just gave it. I can think of no better way to describe the wonderful people around us; they are angels.

"I have spoken here of heavenly help, of angels dispatched to bless us in time of need. But when we speak of those who are instruments in the hand of God, we are reminded that not all angels are from the other side of the veil. Some of them we walk with and talk with—here, now, every day. Some of them reside in our own neighborhoods. Some of them gave birth to us, and in my case, one of them consented to marry me. Indeed heaven never seems closer than when we see the love of God manifested in the kindness and devotion of people so good and so pure that angelic is the only word that comes to mind."

"God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face."

These are just two particular quotes that hit me hard tonight. Mark and I were surrounded by angels all day. With help like that, what do we have to complain about? Some special angels came and brought us a wonderful gift of experience and understanding. We were shocked and touched when they walked in the room. Thanks you guys. Mark and I went through it item by item and shared a few smiles and a few tears; the rough road has been paved just a little. The visitors throughout the day left us in great spirits. Today was a great day!

Initially, we were supposed to go home this afternoon. This is strange, but I am really grateful we didn't. It all feels a little surreal still. I am glad we haven't had to take it all "home" yet. I know when we leave tomorrow, we take the cancer and all its glory with us. I wish it would all stay here in 2015. The doctor explained to us today that Mark's pneumonia was still a little worrisome. It is secondary to the tumor, but it borders on obstructive pneumonia and he wants Mark to kick it a little more before we go. Mark continues to be on IV antibiotics and started oral antibiotics this evening. If we would have left tonight, we would have packed home oxygen and an IV. I wasn't too thrilled about the prospect. I would rather leave them here and let the nurses take care of all the specifics. What's another night?

Mark woke this morning pretty groggy. He was physically and emotionally spent. About 10 he finally started acting normal....really normal. He was great! He looked good, felt good, and was rearing to go. He didn't seem sick at all. The chemo had done its job, the tumor must have shrunk because Mark was able to breathe better than he has in weeks. His color was good, his pain was better, and his spirits were high. With Mark feeling so great, I felt even better than he did. I almost forgot he was sick. My emotions were in check and almost cheerful all day. We bragged all day long about how great everything was going, I think we spoke a tad too soon. As night came on, Mark began to feel nauseated and reality hit. He hadn't eaten much, but what he had didn't make it too far. After a few episodes, we were able to get an order for anti-nausea pills. Hearing him struggling in the bathroom with his nausea left me thinking that this is just a snapshot of how he will feel as this goes on. I do pretty good until I see him feel sick. I was VERY grateful at this point I hadn't taken him home. I can hear him snoring above my music, so I am sure his meds are calming the storm and  he is getting some rest.

On a side note, my sweet boy gave me these flowers for Valentines day. What a guy:)

Answers or Questions

I have spent basically every waking moment in Mark's room. At night, I go home, shower, feed the dog, and gear up for another day at the hospital. Tonight, when I came back, this is what I found. Mark peacefully sleeping. He is currently on his last chemo med and hopefully will stay this peaceful throughout the night. It is currently midnight, and has been a long day. It is crazy to think those tubes are delivering poison that will shrink his tumor to half its size, possibly by tomorrow. Go poison go!

I used the few seconds of downtime at home to check my Facebook. I knew it would be bombarded, we have had so many people call and text us at the hospital. (On a side note, whoever shoveled snow at my house is my current hero, it was nice not to have to trek through the snow late at night to get my mail, and to get into my house, bless you!) We are so grateful for everyones thoughts and prayers. We can feel them and are relying on them. Honestly, it is the most comforting feeling to know we are not alone in this. I have to give a shoutout to Ironman Jace and his family.  After reading his blog for months, it has always been fresh on my mind. Especially now. Through these crazy days that wonderful blog has answered questions, led to questions, and helped us find comfort. I feel like it has perfectly described my many different feelings and helped me formulate them into words. I have reflected on it often. It is my current Bible:)  This has happened so fast and has been incredibly overwhelming and life changing. Because of this, I recognize that many of you have questions and are wondering how and when this all happened. I feel like I owe it to all of you to let you in on the situation. If you are hoping for this to be as well written as some other blogs, you might be slighly dissapointed. You can blame my high school English teacher;) My last post was quite brief and in the moment. At that time we really did not know much. The picture is much better at this point.

I suppose the beginning is the best place to start. Mark has not felt quite right for about 2 months. December was a rough month, he started off the Christmas season with ACL surgery. Shortly following the surgery, he began to get a nagging cough and cold symptoms. He wasn't sleeping well and felt fatigued frequently. We contributed this to his recent surgery and cold and flu season. I got a little impatient with him at times because he seemed to complain of every symptom he could think of. He had an itching bout with no rash, chest congestion, sinus congestion, arm pain, calf pain, back pain, rib pain, night sweats and yadda yadda. Nothing seemed to be consistent and symptoms would come and go. As soon as he felt like he was turning a corner, the "cold" would sit in again. He finally went to the doctor and received an antibiotic. It didn't make any difference. A week later, he and I went in for our adoption physicals. He once again asked for a different antibiotic and something to help him sleep. Another week went by and his chest and head congestion got much worse. Last Saturday and Sunday, his breathing started to become labored and shallow. He got up early and went to physical therapy for his knee and came home exhausted. He put in a few hours of work and came home wheezing. We knew at that point whatever "cold" he had decided to settle in his chest and we were worried about pneumonia.

Tuesday morning, Mark made an appointment to go see the doctor yet again. They took a chest xray and it was pretty obvious he had pneumonia. He came home with a new antibiotic and some breathing treatments. The doctor told him that they would make a difference right away, but if he lost strength to come back quickly. Wednesday, Mark started to complain of back and chest pain. He felt better Wednesday night and asked for a priesthood blessing so that he could finally turn the corner and get back to work Thursday or Friday. About 4 that morning, Mark woke up and told me it felt like a cinderblock was sitting on his chest. I asked him if it was new, and he said no.  He told me to go back to sleep and he would be fine. At 9, I called the doctor and left a message to see if this was normal, maybe the pneumonia was working its way out. When we didn't hear back right away, I decided it would be easier just to make an appointment. The doctor wasn't in, but the PA could see us at 11. The PA took a look at the xray taken Tuesday before he visited with us. He had a fresh look without knowing any of Mark's complaints or symptoms. When he came in, he told us that we would definitely need a CT scan because the xray didn't look quite right. We rushed straight to the hospital, did the scan, and were sent immediately back down to the medical center. Mark said the xray tech had a look in her eyes that suggested something wasn't quite normal. He said he felt at that moment, this might not be just a bad case of pneumonia.

After waiting what seemed like forever, the PA came in and said, "Well Mark you have a mass in your chest. It is about 14 cm x 10 cm." At that point, Mark and I both gasped. I started to cry, Mark followed pretty close behind. It felt like a bad joke or a bad dream. That seemed massive to me. The PA started to throw around words like chemo, oncology, and biopsy. He signed admit papers and we rushed back to the hospital. I dropped Mark off and went to park the car. I made a few calls to family and friends to let them know. When I got inside, Mark was already back getting blood drawn. They did the biopsy right away. The radiologist came in and showed us the CT scan and we became very scared. It was massive and wrapped around his airway, esophagus, major blood vessels, and into his lungs. It was blocking the vessels from getting blood to his lungs (hence the pneumonia) and to his head (hence the severe head congestion). There were a few nodules in his lungs, so despite the fact we did not have biopsy results yet, it was pretty obvious it was lymphoma, we just didn't know what kind.

We have been furiously working on our adoption papers for a few weeks. Since I was home with Mark all this week, I had gotten quite a big chunk of it done. We had worked on it all day Wednesday and were excited about the prospect of getting a baby in the near future. We were excited after a few failed fertility things. We were very optimistic. How quickly our future changed. In less than 24 hrs, we knew we were facing months of chemo and who knows what else. Everytime a baby is born at the hospital, they play a song and it reminds me that that will not be us for awhile. Dumb song. We waited a few hours before we were able to talk to the oncologist. Those were an awful few hours. We were trying to figure out how they were going to surgically remove a ginormous tumor that was literally "hugging" so many important things. Once the oncologist explained that it would not be removed, but shrunk by chemo, things looked a little more optimistic. Dr. Hancock explained things so well and gave us a roadmap without knowing exactly what kind of lymphoma we were facing. We came out of that meeting feeling very positive and optimistic. The faster growing the tumor was, the faster it would respond to treatment. We figured that with the size, that it was definitely fast growing. Early Thursday I was trying to decide whether or not to play in a bowling league and in my soccer game that night. I thought I would be able to make the late game. Thursday morning and Thursday night were two different worlds.

Today, Friday, Mark started the day with preop questions and tests. He had an ultrasound of his heart and neck area to see if there was anything going on, more nodes, or the tumor affecting his heart. He had surgery at 11:30 to place a port, draw spinal fluid, and take a bone marrow biopsy. At 2 we learned from Dr Hancock that the pathology from Thursday's tumor biopsy was back. Mark officially has a form of NHL known as Diffuse Large B-Cell Lymphoma. From what we are told, if you have to have cancer, this isn't a bad one to have. It responds well to treatment. The spinal fluid came back with no cells which is good. The bone marrow results will come tomorrow. He started response based treatment, beginning with the first of three cycles of chemo. They also did a CT scan of his abdomen with contrast to see if there is any evidence of nodes in his abdomen. We feel like we caught this pretty quick. He is "lucky" it was affecting his airway and caused pneumonia, if it were in his abdomen he might not have had an onset of symptoms and would not have found it as soon. If we would have waited a few more days or a week, he risked the chance of having a stroke since the tumor was affeting blood flow. Finding a good artery for the port proved to be a small challenge since some of his arteries were completely blocked off. They did some "electrical" fishing to get the line squared away correctly.

Dr Hancock was great to spend a lot of time with us explaining the drug cocktail Mark will receive and its side affects. It won't be easy and it won't be fun. He should begin to feel better initially as the medicine will shrink the tumor very quickly, as soon as tomorrow. This will help him breathe and relieve the pressure and pain in his chest. Since it is response based, duration will be based on how well he does. He will probably have radiation therapy once the chemo is done. He will be given meds to counteract the chemo meds. With these, we hope that he feels good enough to get back to work soon and back to our "new" normal life, as was eloquently described by a post on Jace's blog.

Despite the shock and awe of the last two days (which seemed to have gone so fast, but seem so long, our old life seems like a memory), we have been so blessed. We have felt the power of the priesthood through blessing of worthy holders. Mark is a trooper and his spirits are good. He says he has been very calm since a blessing givin by his dad. Dr. Hancock also helped to calm us down. At least now there is a game plan and it has already started. I am doing ok. I have been freaking out and worrying about things that probably don't matter and will come with time. I am learning to take things an hour at a time. I can't put into words how grateful we are to all of you who have sent wishes. It makes me wish I was more vocal when I heard others struggling. I felt concern prayed, but never told them I was. We are buoyed up by the bombardment of support. We feel so blessed for competant doctors who are amazingly caring. We have had many visitors and appreciate them! We have a lot of thank you's to give and if we have missed some of you, we don't mean to. It is hard to keep up with it all. We live in a wonderful community and are blessed with wonderful family and friends. Thank you all! We love and appreciate you more than you know! I want to especially thank the many doctors that have showed concern and have taken to the time out of their busy days to come and check on us, spend time with us, comfort us, and answer questions. The nurses and other hosptal staff have been equally as great and are taking incredible care of us. Those nurses will always have a special place in our hearts. Mark even received a valentine from some mystery kid name Rhett. The small pack of Skittles were a huge blessing. They kept the nasty taste from the chemo drugs at bay. Thank you Rhett! Mark's first official craving...Skittles. I went to Maverick to buy some at 11:30. The lady kind of looked at me funny when I told her that it was all I needed. I told her I just really needed a late night Skittle fix:)

Tomorrow we will get results from the bone marrow biopsy and the CT scan. He will get to go home hopefully sometime Saturday afternoon. I am nervous to be the care giver. It has been nice to let the nurses do it and just be an emotionally supporter (or wreck depending on the moment). Tonight, we are grateful for a loving Heavenly Father, a Savior who atoned for not only sin, but all pain and suffering. We are grateful for doctors, nurses, and modern medicine. We are grateful for Mark's great job, bosses, co-workers, and insurance. We are grateful for nearby families and their incredible support. We are grateful for friends and those of you coming out of the woodwork. We are grateful for mission presidents, stake presidents, our bishop, and ward family. We are grateful for Skittles and valentines.  I am grateful for the internet and social networking. It is so much easier than trying to text and man two phones! I am grateful for snow removal, a dog who somehow understood I was a little down,  and a little boy's blog that prepared me for the scariest day of my life!

The scariest day ever

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers. This is truly a day that I thought would never happen to Mark and I. I think we are still both in a little bit of shock. We don't even know the whole story yet, just that Mark does have some sort of cancer and will be starting treatment tomorrow. He has a mass in his chest that is 14cmx10cm. It was slowly cutting off his airway, which we are now grateful for because it led to its discovery. Right now, all we know is that it is a lymphoma. More tests and results await.

We are optimistic and know that things will work out. Mark is the most amazing person I know. I feel like he carried me through today instead of the other way around. It is crazy how fast your life tips upside down. It was just a month ago that we were struggling with 09 and infertility, I think I will take that back now. Mark said before I left that this is a trial that we are having for a reason and we are supposed to learn something from it. So tomorrow, the journey begins, the learning begins, the figthing begins, and whatever else might be waiting for us. We hope the biopsy comes back with news we want to hear. Thank you again for your thoughts, prayers, and faith. I know Mark appreciates it, as do I!