New Pictures

I wish there was a faster way to upload pictures on the blog, we take a million and I don't put too many up on here. I can't believe how fast Paige is growing and changing. She was 7 lbs 6 oz at her appointment on Wednesday, and is on track with growing about an oz a day. It makes me so sad to think that things change so fast, but I have had to make a list of all the postive things that comes with her getting a little bit older. Sometimes I feel so bad for her, she has this rookie mom that usually has no idea and she is like the guinea pig as I try to figure out what I am doing. Hopefully if I just love her enough, she will forgive me for all my shortcomings!

Roxy thinks she is the nanny and is always close to the baby. She likes to lay in front of the cradle, and becomes very concerned when Paige cries. I wish she was more like Nana on Peter Pan and could help with the bottles and such, the extra set of hands would be nice on occassion! Roxy is getting away with a lot more since I feel so bad she is pretty much neglected with baby around.

Paige with her Christmas stash, which she could pretty much care less about at the moment.

Awwww, so sweet. Nothing like a sleeping newborn. Makes the awake, screaming newborn so worth it!

Her cute new hair bow from Aunt Kirsten, Uncle Max, and the boys. It is a little ladybug and so unique. I love it!

Trying to decide whether or not she likes the bouncer seat. She totally scratched her face and it looks liek she gave herself a black eye. Makes her mom feel terrible! She is so alert at times, and can't figure out what to do with herself. She must get bored or something and moments after this, she becomes rather unhappy.

So cute and tiny with Grandma Steiner

Getting a bottle from Daddy. Mark saves me. He is such an amazing husband and father and is so good to help, even at night, even when he knows he has work in the morning. I am constantly finding dishes are done, or laundry is put away. He finishes things I only had time to start. It is funny how much my love for him has grown seeing him as a dad.

Sneak Peak

Paige is asleep, and there are so many things that need to get done that in no way should I have opened up the computer to write! However, I am so full of emotion this morning and touched by the beautiful day that was yesterday. Yesterday was Paige's newborn shoot. It was something we have all been looking forward to since October. I had picked Katie to do our shoot and felt strongly about it. I wanted this to be special and while I have so many wonderful friends who happen to be great photographers, I was really drawn to Katie. Come to find out, Katie has a SERIOUS soft spot for adoption and ended up being just the right medicine for all of us. If you would like a sneak peak of our shoot....visit her blog at http://kwellsphotography.blogspot.com/ Brings tears to my eyes! I love my "sweet smile" Not so great at doing various kinds of smiling and closed mouth is pretty much not my forte, but look at the baby not me:) Really though, it just strikes the right cord and in a minute and thirty seconds kinda shouts to the world how this has felt and been for us.

I suppose I am going to have to share this adoption story in blocks, since it starts back at the first of the year. I won't have time to edit, I just need to spit it out, so ignore miss spelled words and bad grammar. Mark and I completed most of our paperwork in January/ first of February. We actually finished it all on a day that Mark stayed home sick from work with pneumonia.....ahem. Ya, pneumonia. Two days later we found out that dreams were dying. We immediately put adoption on the back burner and I took our adoption ticker off. Even though the dr said to keep going, it seemed insane to me. Once we got further along in treatment, Mark and I realized things would be ok, and we needed hope in our lives; something to look forward to. We quickly scheduled our last remaing step, our homestudy. Our worker visited us in April and from there, it took a long time for them to complete it. They must have been really busy. We started attending adoption classes in June, and finally we got notice we were officially ready to adopt and our profile was up on itsaboutlove.org. Mark started radiation and I was soon left to go to class alone, or with my mom.

About four weeks after being up and running, I was sitting in an adoption class with mom and the instructor was going through a bunch of legal stuff. It was really the unfun side of adoption, but they said two things that struck me. One had to do with questions we answered on our profile and how if we checked one particular box "no," it would limit our views by at least half. With thousands of family on the website, we needed all the views we could get and it was important to answer "yes" to this question. I couldn't even remember filling that part out, so I was nervous I had been an idiot and checked no. The other thing that stuck out was a lady saying that when she was matched with a birthmom, her profile was removed from the site, and was placed back up when requested after the adoption fell through. So seemingly unrelated....until that night. I was alone, Mark was in Utah getting treatment. It was late and I wanted to make sure I put "yes" on that question. I jumped on our website building site, and found out I had indeed put yes. Whew. I noticed a spelling error, and my ocd side wanted to change it. I went to change it, but I decided not to save my changes. It was a holiday week, and if you change your profile, you have to call the angency to reload it. I decided I would rather have the error than having my profile down for a whole week. I noticed for the first time a place where I could look at our profile statistics, like how many times it had been viewed. I was curious and it said a bunch of random facts like how many times our main page had been viewed, how many times our intro had been read, etc etc, and then there was a number of times our contact page had been viewed. All that page shows is an email, that is it, maybe one little couple picture. I noticed 17 people had looked at it. I thought it was strange that 17 people had gone out of their way to look at a boring page and no one had even contacted us to ask a question.

I took a bath, and freaked out mid tub, thinking that I had inadvertently taken off our profile with my "almost" spelling page, so I decided to check itsaboutlove.org to make sure it was there. I looked and sure enough, it was gone. I freaked! I knew I hadn't saved it so what the heck?!?! Where was it and how long had it been gone? I could find it on bluestep.net, but our profile was not up on the official website. I was so angry and made mental note to call the agency asap to ask what was wrong. I went to brush my teeth and thought, "wait, that lady said hers was not up when matched....no way!" I checked my email and there was nothing. I went to bed and stirred thinking....."wait, what email did I put on my contact page!?!?" I ran to the computer and looked at our profile info, sure enough I put my sweet cat high school, Robert Redford crush email. I hadn't checked it in MONTHS. Why did I put that one? Well, we couldn't have any identifying info and all our grown up accounts had portions of our names. I panicked thinking that email might not even work since I never check it. I signed in, putting every password in I ever had, the third one worked, and nothing was in my inbox. Shocker. Left, came back when I realized that my settings were on high security and an unknown sender would go to JUNK mail. Amid the swirling crap and solicitation, was a random "Couple Contact" email. I clicked on it, and couldn't see when it was sent or what it said until I moved it to my inbox. I was freaking, hoping that she hadn't sent it weeks earlier. The miracle? She had sent it the EXACT same time I was  in class learning about the legal jargon and how we needed to put "yes" on a certain question. What a coincidence....

The email was really short, just saying we were the only couple she had found that striked a cord. She was young, and delivering a baby in December. She had a good feeling about us and wanted to know more about us. That was it. I called Mark, it was the middle of the night and I woke him up. He thought something was wrong and I was so excited all I could spit out was "someone emailed us" which made little sense to his woken up brain. I read him the email and he was wide awake. He said I needed to email back. I said it was the middle of the night and that I didn't know what to say and wanted to ponder what to say back. A part of us thought it was a joke and prepared ourselves for a scam, or the fact she might not email back. We had been told in class that that happens more often than not. Mark said just to say thank you for looking at us and contacting us, what do you want specifically do you want to know? I sent it off and checked my email no less than 100 times the following day, which was a Thursday....before Pioneer Day. That afternoon, a very excited girl wrote back and said essentially, "I had been having the worst week and it culminated in the worst day, a day that I questioned why I was doing what I was doing. I was scared to contact you guys, but you were the only couple I felt anything about when I went through the profiles. I woke up today questioning things wondering how to get thru another day, and what a coincidence, I checked my email and had and email from you waiting for me.(gotta love those coincideces)  Let's get to know each other better. Before we get too deep, I to be honest with you, this will be a high risk adoption with no birthfather consent I hope that doesn't scare you off." I was floored and so happy and so not scared off! Until.....

I realized I needed to be completely honest with her and I had really big news that might scare her off. Our profile said nothing of Mark's cancer, we had done it before the diagnosis, and I didn't change it. I didn't want that to be the first thing people saw about us. I am sure it is a huge selling point, I figured if someone got to know us, then I would tell them. Or better yet, since they told us average wait time was 2 years, Mark would be healed by then. Blah, I had to tell her and be upfront and honest, after all, she was being honest and upfront with us. I quickly responded and assured her we were not scared and wanted to keep learning more about her. I then told her that Mark was currently undergoing treatment and we understood if that scared her off.

Waiting for her response was more painful than ever. We were damaged goods and who would want to place their baby with us knowing that risk? This amazing angel wrote back and said that made her love us all the more.She appreciated our honesty. She said she had a hard life and realized that trials make us stronger and shape us. She said she felt that this trial was making Mark and I better people. Seriously, a young teenage girl said that. Incredible! There was an instant connection through our emails, and while we were sort of scared in the beginning that it was too good to be true and might be a scam, we realized this girl was amazing and way too detailed and open to be weaving a web. We trusted her and we felt so good about her. At that point I was just excited to be on the ride.  We continued to correspond and soon set up a time to meet at the agency.....and that my friends is where this story must end for now. My special blessing is calling for me and yes, I didn't get a thing done:) Oh the joys!

Our Newest Miracle

I don't have the time and energy for the full story yet, but I am dying to let it all out there. I have said nothing on this blog about the adoption we have had in the works since July, because I wanted to protect the birthmother who is our very special angel. We are blessed to be so close to her and we have spent the last few months getting to know the incredible person that she is. Mark and I also didn't want to announce anything that wasn't a for sure thing. Well, things are for sure. So here is the big announcement I have been dying to make! Paige Ryann S______ was born December 15th, 2010. It was the greatest day and such a special moment. The anticipation was hard, but our hearts melted when we saw her for the first time. She is beautiful! Mark's first words were, "I have never seen anything so amazing." It was hard to keep the emotions in check. This year has been a rollercoaster, and here it was, culminating in a perfect Christmas miracle.

Paige was 7 lbs and 20 inches long. She came out fast, with a whole bunch of hair. She looked so pretty and perfect right away. She is waking up, but someday when I have more than 2 seconds, I will update you all on the incredible story that brought this little on into our home. This past week has certainly been a rollercoaster of emotions!

A Season of Miracles

I love, love, LOVE this time of year! Everyone does, but I still must profess how great the holidays really are. Christmas gets better every year. I think with age comes appreciation and maybe I feel like the true spirit of Christmas is more apparent because "things" aren't as important as they used to be. I was blessed to come from a grounded home where Christmas was so special and quite balanced. My parents were always careful to make sure Santa came, but that we understood it was Christ's birthday. Santa brought three presents, because that is all Jesus got (gold, frankincense, and myrrh) and it was HIS birthday. We lived in Utah at the time, so we always went to Temple Square and to a local production of The Christmas Carol. The first year we moved here, my parents surprised us by taking us out of school and back down to Utah so we could enjoy those traditions one more time. I love looking back on childhood memories. I used to think all the best Christmas's were those of Christmas past. I am seeing that the spirit of Christmas future can be, and will be just as bright.

Since it is rare to have the family together for Christmas anymore, I realize how special getting together as a family really is. Sam is coming this year for the holidays, and it is BJ's first Christmas back from the mission. It will be a wonderful holiday spent with most of our family together again. We will miss Max and his family, but we will find ways to connect with them as well. I feel like a kid again as I anxiously await for Christmas Eve and being together.

This holiday season, Mark and I feel overjoyed. I am starting to see that the Christmas spirit really does live all year round if we let it. This year can honestly be wrapped up as a year of Christmas. We have been loved, blessed, served, and comforted. We have seen evidence of angels and of miracles. We have felt the love of the Savior in our lives and know that he is mindful of us and loves us on a deeply personal level. We have felt the power of the atonement in many different ways. We have learned so much and have grown closer together. For the past two weeks, Mark has had a nagging cough, which is unsettling. That was one of Mark's first symptoms last year--and his wife told him to suck it up. This time around, I had a hard time convincing myself that a cold and cough are perfectly normal human ailments. Fortunately, Mark had his three month scan coming up, so we had an opportunity for peace of mind. As the scan drew near, I really psyched myself out and was really nervous. It is hard not having active treatment and trying to get back to normal life. There are times when February seems like a lifetime ago, but no matter how hard you try to compartmentalize the past, the reality that it did happen and the associated fear creeps in so easily.

I have been working on reading the Bible cover to cover. I am finally in the New Testament and was reading in St John the other night. Chapter 11 really struck me as I was struggling with my own insecurities. Mary and Martha send a message to the Savior that their brother Lazarus is sick. The apostles are anxious about going to help them because there are many people in that region angry with Jesus, and they fear that they, and the Savior will be stoned. Word comes that Lazarus has died, but Jesus still decides to make his journey back. The apostles once again voice their concerns about going, but Thomas boldy states, "Let us go, that we may die with him" (St John 11:16). I really never remembered this part of the story and I find it fascinating. Up until this year, the only thing I remembered about Thomas was his doubt. He goes down in history as Doubting Thomas. He is remembered for only believing that Christ is resurrected after seeing and feeling the prints in his hands and in his side. I, sadly, can be so much like Thomas. There are so many times when I feel strong and believing and ready for anything. How quickly that changes because I am afraid. I, like Peter, walk on water until I look around and see all there is to be afraid of, and rather than trusting, I sink. Fear overcomes me so easily--and with fear, there is an absence of faith. Leading up to this scan I was "of little faith."  Things have been going so great for Mark and I lately, that I just felt like we were on borrowed time and the world would crash beneath us at any time. As his scan came back not only clear, but "impressively clear,"  I felt such relief and happiness. I wasn't surprised, just grateful. Ashamed that I only believed after seeing, but still grateful that my unbelief was unfounded. The doctor showed us the CT scan from February 11th, and compared it to this most recent one. A seriously large, invasive, and life threatening was displayed on one side, on the other was just a small area of scar tissue to remind us of what once was. That is our miracle, shown to us by one our angels.

This Christmas season we have so much to be grateful for. We have our health back, we have a comfortable home, we have each other, we have friends, and we have family. My focus this year is not only on the Savior, but his wonderful mother, who also had to sacrifice so much. She knew that she bore the Christ and that his road was a perfect one, but not an easy one. She knew that someday, he would suffer for the rest of us. I also think a lot about Joseph--not a biological father, but an adoptive father. A father who loved a son and faced scrutiny for having a pregnant, espoused wife, but lovingly did the job he was asked to do. I loved the talk President Uchtdorf gave in the First Presidency Christmas devotional. My favorite part was when he described how joyous the heavens were that night, so much joy that it could not be contained in the heavens. The veil was parted and they sung praises to the shepherds. Amazing. The entire story is so beautiful! For me, this Christmas will be joyous, and  it will be hard to contain how I feel. 2010 is almost over, but there are still incredible blessings in store for us before it ends.

Busy...and Loving it!

Mark and I spent three whole nights in the new digs before we went with his entire family on a trip to Hawaii.  If you haven't traveled in a group of 24, you should try it. It is an adventure in and of itself. Mark is a seasoned Hawaiian tourist. I, however, was a rookie this trip. My first impression wasn't too positive. Honolulu was old, dirty, and crowded. Graffiti everywhere! As the week went on, I realized Hawaii is a pretty amazing place--as long as you aren't driving. My favorite part? The 5 degree difference between the night low and the daytime high. I badly wish that would happen here, in a good way. I am sure in the winter we are pretty close to that some days, -5 below to a whopping 5 for a high, but I would like it in the summer. I hate that no matter how hot it was in the day here, I inevitably will put on a sweater at night.

The weather didn't cooperate too well. We had lots of wind and lots of rain. Fortunately, that is bearable there and it was awesome to not be cold. Mark and I are horrible at taking pictures. I tried to be better this trip and still discovered when I got home that we had no pictures of the Polynesian Cultural Center, no flowers, no Dole Plantation plant, and a few other activities. Our favorite places were Manoa Falls, Blowhole, Sandy Beach, and the North Shore. We did get to go the Laie Temple open house which was pretty awesome as well. Mark did manage to take some incriminating video of me on the the plane ride home. I took a sleeping pill and was pretty much asleep, but doing  my best to visit with people and stay awake. Not the best idea. I don't remember any of it. But apparently I had participated in a disastrous service project packaging Christmas sweaters, thought highly of the guys at the PCC, and asked a random stranger, "Will you help me, help you?" I can't handle my drugs so well.

Here are a few pics of the trip we did take:

Right outside our hotel, The Outrigger Reef. Pretty nice view of Diamond Head.

Sailboats and the sunset that night. Once again, outside our hotel. I would have to be on those sleeping pills to go out in one of those boats. I am slightly ocean nervous.

Pearl Harbor and pretty much the standard Mark pose. No smile, sunglasses on.

My attempt at cool photography at the Arizona Memorial.

On the Missouri. This was awesome. In high school I almost joined the Navy strictly because I can never say no to people. The recruiter would call and chat with me all the time. We became friends and I then had to break it to him that I was seriously afraid of the ocean and looked like a second grader--not military material. Being on this ship confirmed that I would not have been a great sailor--unless I could have just gotten things from the snack shop all day long, and was able to not throw it all up later.

At Manoa Falls. It was seriously muddy and muggy, but so awesome. We don't enjoy hiking, but could love it in Hawaii! Honestly my favorite part of the trip. The vegetation made the lighting pretty dark, but the flash would drown out the picture, so this picture is with no flash--hence the blurriness. I know the cool thing is to have a nice camera. I have a point and shoot and no talent. This was after Pearl Harbor, just so you don't think we wore the same clothes everyday haha.

Finding a stinking huge leaf to try and wipe my poor white Adidas off. I don't think they will ever recover. It was no Magic Eraser, but at least the leaf got enough off that I could get in the car. Doesn't the scenery just remind you of home? Hahaha. I really feel like I could become a runner again if I could trail run in Hawaii.

Sweet outfit right? We took a seriously late flight home, and I wore pants this day so that I wouldn't freeze on the plane. Well the weather was terrific the last day (just our luck) and I wanted to die. I was allowed to squeeze some shorts out of the luggage lounge at our hotel, and this was all I could get out of my suitcase. Don't worry, wore that outfit all over the place! No shame. Right around the rocks behind us is Hanauma Bay. We are somewhere  in between the bay and Blowhole.

Hanauma Bay. I am sure I am spelling this wrong, but I am too lazy to look up the correct spelling. Don't be deceived, it was cold and windy. This was the Saturday after we arrived. Water visibility was not great and I thought for sure I would see a shark two feet in front of my face. I braved my fears and managed to enjoy snorkeling for the most part.

Just above Sandy Beach. We tried to walk down the coast a ways and we got stopped here. They were filming "Journey to the Center of the Earth 2" and Mark and I were to scared to try to make it past the huge security guard in the yellow. I wish they had actually been filming a cool movie with an actor somebody has heard of. I was hoping for a "Lost" reunion so I could stalk down Matthew Fox. That might have been worth it.

In my next life when I can actually go on a big trip again, I think I would like to go to Hawaii again, just a different island.  I must be a small town girl because I don't like the crowds. Mark and I are grateful to his parents for taking us. It really was a great trip and a once in a lifetime.

Change is Good

Mark and I have felt that this year hasn't been exciting enough, so we are going to cram a few more things in before 2011 rolls through. For various reasons, we felt it was time to leave the starter home behind and start a new chapter in our lives. It has been a very bittersweet experience. This house, hmmm. Well let's just say it has been a little bit of an adventure. When we bought it, we thought we would fix it up and flip it quick. Little did we know that first, there is nothing easy about fixing up an older home, and second, we had no idea we would love the area so much. If you ever feel a lack of faith in the human race, travel out to Parker and your faith will be restored. Amazing people live out here and they have been a tremendous blessing in our lives. Many prayers were said this year thanking our Heavenly Father for wonderful friends and neighbors that lifted us through some hard times. Their goodness will never be forgotten. It will be hard to leave, but we have reminded ourselves and others, that we are not moving to Africa, or even out of the immediate area so there is no good reason to not keep in touch.

Our first home--wish I had a "before" picture. We often ask ourselves what possessed us to buy it in the first place. It was basically hideous. We were both still in school and had zero time or money for such an undertaking, but we made it work and made it home. It has been right where we needed to be and many memories were made here.

I am trying to be excited about the actual moving process. I feel like I have an exceptionally good game plan, but I also know that none of my plans, ever, never, ever, work out the way I think they will. I am so excited to have some things I haven't had yet in my married life: a garage, a garbage disposal(o boy), central air, garbage service(this is super exciting), a utility sink, and a big tub. Really, really excited about these things. There was a moment earlier this year that I thought I would never ever be able to move into a newer home, I feel this is a huge blessing! I also feel a little spoiled, slightly guilty, but extremely blessed and excited. I have actually never bought a decor item--ever. Seriously! It was almost impossible to hang pictures or decorate this old home, so I never did. Things I had were things that were handed down or given to us for our wedding. I told Mark that will change. I am trying to reel myself in, but my small creative side is bursting with ideas. I feel like I have saved up six years worth of decor allowance and should be allowed to let loose. We shall see.

This past week was my last week working--for awhile. I finished teaching first block soccer classes. This fall made it hard to leave. I have never had such wonderful weather. I had great classes and wonderful, warm sunshine. It made for a perfect last semester. Working at the college has been a life saver. Once again, it was not part of the plan. Heavenly Father definitely looked out for me, because it became my saving grace. I got to do something I enjoyed and get paid for it. It made some dark times bearable. I am ready to move on--change is good, and in my case--really, really good. However, it was extremely hard to say goodbye and clean my office out. It felt very real and final. I had the opportunity to work with wonderful people and mentors. Honestly, it changed my life. No matter what is on the horizon, it is always hard to say goodbye, especially for me. I feel like the last 7-8 years have revolved around the university, going there and working there, it will be strange to not be a part of campus anymore. But, its time for something new.

Mark and I celebrated our 6 year anniversary on Friday. Six years ago was the scariest day of my life. I was not a good bride, but 6 years later, I realize that it was the best decision I ever made. I am sure grateful for my sweet husband. I feel blessed to be celebrating our 6th year, a part of me didn't think that was going to happen ever either. So glad it did, and here is to many more years to share with my better half, my best friend.

Good news is good news--even when late....right?

My blogging has not been great, but I have had problems remembering my own name, let alone remembering to post. I hope Mark has had better luck remembering things, or my power might be turned off at any moment. We have been enjoying fall this year. The picture above was taken about two weeks ago at Mesa Falls. I have been to Mesa Falls numerous times, and have always thought it was cool, but I didn't gush over it or appreciate it. This time, I seriously gushed. It was so beautiful on a warm day with a thousand different colors.  I have in years past, been a fall hater. Only because it seems to last a week before it welcomes in a 9 month winter. Working outside the past few years, fall has really climbed the bitter charts. That has all changed this year. I am half-way through first block, and I have yet to wear warm-up pants to class. Last year, I was putting toe warmers in my cleats. I have loved the scenery, the smells, and most of all the fall sunshine. This semester has been warmer than summer semester, go figure!

September has been a good month for us. I know the year isn't over yet, but when I look back on it, I am amazed at how much we have grown. I can truly say that trials are a blessing. I wonder if that is because it has turned out ok, but then, with enough trust in the Lord, I guess any turnout is ok, it all depends on our attitude. With that being said, I am so full of thankfulness that my ok and the Lord's will happened to be the same thing. Mark had his final PET scan, and it came back clean and clear. We knew that it would, but the 100% assurance was welcomed. Mark can now get his port out, and we look forward to years of monitering, but no more active treatments. If it is to return, it will most likely be within the first year. Mark will have CT scans every three months the first year, and those will gradually taper off as the years go by. I am sure this is something that will never quite be in the past, but it feels good to be moving away from it. With so many talks during Conference on gratitude, Mark and I had some moments of reflection. We are grateful for the lessons we have learned, the people we have gotten to know better, and the personal growth we have both received.  We learned that people are amazing and there are everyday angels. We recognize that where much is given, much is required and we pray that we will be more aware of those around us and how we can serve others---something we have learned from countless people providing service in our favor. One of my angles, Amy, a resurgent hero from my past, has taught me the importance of paying it forward. I hope I can continue to learn from her masterful ability to see needs around her and fill them. I feel like Mark and I have more empathy and sympathy. I have reconized that Mark is a little more sensitive and mindful of others, their challenges, and their feelings. He has shed some of that tough exterior and realizes that emotion and sharing emotion isn't such a bad thing.

This season hasn't been without its storms, some still brewing, but the rainbows are close and moving out of limbo might be around the corner. It doesn't look like BYU football will make it through the year, but Mark and I feel pretty good about our chances. Being back at school has seemed to be more exhausting, maybe the sun is zapping me, or as I get worse at soccer it becomes more difficult. Whatever the case, I am feeling pretty tired daily. There seems to be a million things going on right now, and it is manifested with my constant errors on the ward bulletin each week. I am crashing and burning as a perfectionist and I have to tell you, that is a trial in its own right. Fortunaely, the insomnia that plagued this entire summer isn't so much of a problem at the moment. I am sure has a little to do with the miracle of melatonin, but being pulled in a number of different directions seems to help.

Thank you to you all for your love, concern, help, and friendship. You all are definitely part of our greatest blessings.

Done--For Reals!

I have been somewhat of an insomniac recently and I think it has ruined my creative abilities. I have not been great at posting, but fearing ramblings, I have procrastinated it further. Also, life has been basically boring. School is out, which I am so happy about, until I realize I have no life. With Mark in Utah for a month, I realize that I really have no life! I have mowed the lawn, cleaned, not cooked, read a number of books, and watched more TV than I should have. Oh--and not sleeping. Can I just say there is nothing more frustrating than not being able to sleep? Torture. I have soared through my goal to read the Old Testament, and that hasn't even put me to sleep. We have a serious problem on our hands I think. There seems to be a few stresses that possibly contribute. If anyone knows of anyone who wants to buy a house, let me know. That could relieve at least a few of my stresses. For instance, in my last home improvement stint, I managed to not only spray paint the back door, but I left a beautiful white dust on every surface of my house. Wahoo! It took awhile, but I did get it out and off. No pictures, sorry!

So, back to the reason behind the post. Mark officially finished radiation treatment last Thursday. When he called to tell me, I cried. It is so great to have him done--with everything! However, it adds to the stress. It is hard to be confident the sneaky thing won't come back. There are great chances it won't, but I have learned I have trust issues. I suppose, unfortunately, they could be lack of faith issues. I realize that I am much more comfortable looking into the "mirror of fear" rather than the "mirror of faith" (from a talk by President Clark). My dad has been working hard on me to change my outlook. Why is it that fear is so much easier to feel? Mark will have a follow up scan in a few weeks that will show how much he has progressed. Since his midway scan was so great, I am sure it will be great, but what about the one he has next year, or the year after that? He had some pretty great nurses down in Utah and they documented the last day of his treatment. They sent like 29, so I will only favor you with a few....

By owners expense, they mean our expense. I am sure the kajillion dollars we spent to receive treatment would cover some of it. Not the easiest way to get a reserved spot, but I suppose effective.

The fancy microwave/tanning bed. Mark stays stationary, and they crazy thing rotates around. Mark had very few side affects throughout the whole thing. He has a little redness now, but he kept wondering if they were doing anything at all. That would be a funny joke--haha--or not that funny at all.

Finally--officially done! The nurses were really sweet and got a gift for Mark and I. Not a great picture, but you can see a bit of Mark's hair. It looks great.

Now, who knows. It seems like we have life back again but we aren't quite sure what is in store for us. There seems to be more questions than answers. I go back to work in about 2 weeks, but not for long.  Summer seems like it has flown by and I am not sure I am ready for fall and winter. I guess we just will enjoy the blessings we have a day at a time. Thanks again to everyone. We have had so much love and support and will never be able to repay all of it!

Lovin' Summer

Summer is the best time of year hands down, especially in Idaho. After the long and painfully slow start, the last two weeks have been lovely. I am loving the heat, the cool nights, and the occasional thunderstorm. I can't believe it is already August. With Mark receiving treatment, the weeks seem to fly by as I wish them away for weekends so we can be together. Sadly, since life has been crazy busy, running has taken a dive, and I realized tonight that there is no way I will be ready for the marathon in September. If anyone wants to pretend to be me, your fees are paid!

My brothers have been up the past week or so and it has been so good to be together as a family. It seems few and far between that we are all together. I have had a great time getting to know my nephews better. They are at a fun age. Family truly is where happiness lies. I just wanted to jot a quick post with some pictures to let everyone know we are alive and well. Mark is a champ and has had no sideaffects yet of radiation. It has been great. His hair is growing back and there is a light at the end of this tunnel!

My new baby Chula and Mark's adorable niece. It was a little hot this day, but lovely none the less.

Chula is so much smaller than Sonny. These two horses were angels letting the kids ride them all over.

The cute grandbabies loving family picture day.

Mark loving family picture day. I love how the sun is only shining on me and making my hair look pretty much not good.

I love these handsome boys! I used to hate being the only girl when I was a little one. As I have grown older, I realize I wouldn't want it any other way. These brothers are the best out there.

I must have won the lottery and got stuck in between Mess 1 and Mess 2. Seriously was surprised I came out of there alive with no ketchup splatters. See what happens when Mark leaves me to ride solo?

That is just a smidge of current life. I just wanted to let everyone know we are alive and well. The clouds seem to have lifted and Mark and I are feeling so joyous and so blessed.!

Busy doing.....nothing?

I am sure by now I have lost my faithful following; my posts continue to get fewer and further between. Honestly, our lives have become a little boring the last few weeks and I didn't want to bore the world with the details. For some reason, the boredom has taken up a bunch of time. I feel like my time is constantly going somewhere, but not entirely sure where. Work has kept me on my toes, and when I come home out of the sun, I crash! Between intramurals, mutual, adoption classes, and riding horses, our nights have been full as well.

As far as an update, I will start with the promised pictures. Perhaps one of my favorite days of the summer was the 25th of June, the date of my last post. The Relay for Life was better than expected. It was an emotional experience for me, I was slightly surprised at the tears I shed at this event. It seems that since Mark has handled treatment so well, I often place him in his own category--not a "true" cancer patient. I hear too many other stories that make Mark's experience seem like a cake walk. However, the Relay for Life reminded me that Mark is indeed a fighter and a survivor and cancer is cancer. Cases and treatment differ, but in the end it is a big 'ole group and we are trying to find a cure for it all. I am consistently moved by my little hero Ironman Jace. This night was no different. We were fortunate enough to camp out at his Jamba Team tent for awhile. He looked amazing! I received a Team Jace shirt and continue to wear it proudly. Ironman is a champ and a hero, and someone who has touched my life forever. These pictures are just too cute:

This last picture is like my personal "cancer cool kids club" shot. My big hero, my little hero with his amazing dad, and our incredible hero doctor. Words can't describe!

Mark and I walking the survivor lap together.

I loved seeing members of our ward and the community supporting cancer research and cancer patients. Heartwarming! I love living in a place where people care about each other. Selfless volunteers who braved the lightning storm and walked all night. Thanks to you all! I even had a cousin who walked in behalf of Mark and other Lymphoma patients specifically in her local Relay for Life in Arizona. Amazing! She sent Mark and I special shirts with green writing. Green apparently is the color representing Lymphoma. Never knew until she pointed it out to me. As an avid t-shirt collector, I appreciate my new special collection of cancer shirts. Love 'em.

That night my favorite little buddy made it home from Poland. BJ is one special kid, I think all who know him would agree. He makes me laugh and we have the best time together. I am glad I have a movie and treat partner back. Our family is pretty low-key and we never got into the whole airport display fiasco. As this was our last returning missionary, I felt a little bummed about our lame production. I decided to hit the Budget Car Rental counter to make things right and made this beauty. I wanted a post-it note to make it really special, but this was the best they had:

You can't read it, but it says "Welcome Home Chubbs" ( a nickname given to BJ for obvious reasons;) )

This isn't a great picture, but this little guy has been one of the reasons the past month has been a blast. His name is Chula's Short Dual, but we just call him Chula. He is only 4, but has had a great start to him. I am a little afraid my riding inabilities might ruin all he knows, but so far he has been a great horse. The best part? He loves to be spoiled and loved on, which honestly ranks pretty high on my must have list. He will eat the treats I bring him, and he loves to be groomed. I was pretty much hooked after that. He isn't a bad ride either. He has great bloodlines and might be one of the fanciest things we own. I feel like he is Cadillac and I should only be allowed to touch Geo Metros.

The next month is looking pretty up and down at the moment. I have one more week of work and then summer break. All my brothers are coming home with their kids and I am so excited for some quality family time. I finished our paperwork and profiles for another adoption agency (in addition to LDSFS), and things might work quicker down this road. I seriously can't wait! The big downer is that Mark starts radiation on Monday. I have liked not having to see the inside of a doctor's office. Last Friday we spent a good 5 hours at Huntsman's getting Mark ready to go. He will need to have 20 treatments, 5 each weekday until finished. He has an amazing assortment of tatoos, none of which are cool. I tried to tell the people to make little hearts or stars but apparently wasn't listened to. The radiation oncologist decided to radiate his chest and his hip, initially it was only going to be his chest. Huntsman's seems to be a little more thorough and aggresive, which is fine by us. We are ready to be done for good and forever. It stinks that Mark's energy level will sink again and we are back to the cancer world, but at least we can see the finish line.

On a complete side note--my thoughts and prayers have been with the Sullenger family. Once again, I am grateful for a community who cares about each other, and the internet with its amazing ability to connect people and make miracles.

I will try to make life exciting and useful so I can update my blog more readily. I will work hard to earn you faithful readers back!

An Exciting Day!

Aside from being a summer Friday, today is even more exciting than usual. My little brother gets home from Poland late tonight and I seriously can't wait! If he misses a flight connection, I might love him less--just kidding, but I will be dissapointed. Also, tonight is the Relay for Life. We didn't think we would be able to participate, but because BJ's flight comes in so late, Mark is hoping to make it into the survivor lap at 6:00. I am looking forward to being a part of things tonight. I hope it isn't too late to find a way to be involved.

Now, for the most exciting part (insert drum roll) We are officially approved for adoption!!! I know the journey is ongoing, and is sure to be challenging, but can I just say that being approved seems like a giant, liberating leap? I basically finished all of our paperwork and questionaires in January, before life flipped us out of the boat. It was crazy getting on the internet this morning and seeing all the work we had done 5 months ago. I had to fight every urge to change everything. It is scary writing something knowing what a huge difference it could possibly make, or not make for that matter. Writing our birth parent letter was so difficult. I felt it was so genuine and exactly how Mark and I felt. With that being said, when I read it now, I worry about how it comes off to others, since they don't know my mind as well as I do. Since I want it to remain active, (if I change it, it deactivates) I am refusing to make changes so it can remain available, for at least a few days before I can't take it anymore. I saw one or two silly errors that will probably add to some sleepless nights. Oh grammar and proof reading--when will the day come that things are just perfect the first time?!?!

I, for the most part, am a selfish person. This blog has been so great and uplifiting for Mark and I. We have loved sharing our story because of the outpouring of love and support we receive from all of you. It is a selfish vehicle. Do any of you feel used yet? We have come to lean on all of you so much and appreciate words of kindness, support, and love. If you didn't feel used before, maybe you will now. Please help spread the word that Mark and I are looking to start our family through adoption. Share it far and wide, yell it off of mountains. Spread it like wild fire! If anyone knows anyone, who knows anyone, who might be considering an adoption plan, tell them about Mark and I. We have been attending adoption classes, and each week we are taught the importance of networking and being proactive. This is my first feeble, possibly cheating, effort at it. I have posted our adoption profile number above our ticker, and in our information. For the record, our profile can be seen at itsaboutlove.org. Our profile number is 24368592. I should see if I can make the number attention grabbing like all those infomercials,  1-800-Jenny or something. 2gently2 is the best I could come up with...not so much...Regardless,  if anyone is interested, refer them to the blog or itsaboutlove.org.

Sorry for the advertising, but honestly, we appreciate it! We are so excited to move ahead. Hopefully, in the next few days  I will have some good pictures to post of BJ, the Relay for Life, and the new toy Mark and I have been riding all week. It was about a year ago that my mare got hit by a car,  and I finally think I found a legitimate bandaid. We love our new gelding! Pictures to come:)

Crossing the Finish

Why is it that life and running share so many similarities and lessons? Finishing is always sweet, so why the tears and mixed emotions every time I finish a race?  I don't believe we finished this race this majestically. We are actually not pictured in this photo finish, we are just out of view behind those white dashes. Mark and I have been crawling from behind for the last two months. To be honest, this trip has flown by. It seems like only yesterday we were dumped on our heads, but we knew this day would come. It went fast, but it wasn't always easy. There were many lessons and uplifting moments, followed by despair and frustration. I had a lot of shameful moments and shameful thoughts, times where it felt like life was unfairly picking on us. I played the blame game on occasion and wanted to quit a time or two. A wise mother told me on one of these bitter days, that I needed to recognize A positive, just one; look at ways help was being sent from above. I have come to the conclusion that finishing the journey was made possible only by flying on the wings of others, angels among us that carried Mark and I when we needed it the most. We have greatly appreciated the love, thoughts, prayers, well wishes, dinners, surprises, phone calls, notes, donations, listening ears, friends, and countless other ways we have been blessed by service. Honestly, we have leaned so heavily on others, in a way, I am sad to see it end. I hope we can remember how to stand on our own.

This picture was taken by Mark, from his hospital bed, the day he was diagnosed. I hope we never forget the feelings we had that day. It was a day when nothing mattered but each other, our families, our friends, and our faith. Not that I want many similar experiences, I will say that this was a humbling experience and maybe something we needed to re-evaluate our priorities and teach us to rely on Heavenly Father and those around us. It was this day, that I realized I loved and cherished Mark more than I thought capable, and I was grateful that if I had to walk through a storm, it was with him.

The first dose of chemo

The empty bag of his final chemo drug, for the last time:

Getting meds before his last lumbar puncture:

It was a little bitter sweet to walk into the clinic today knowing we wouldn't be as close with our special friends. Cancer nurses are incredibly special people and will hold a piece of our hearts forever. We have met and built bonds with so many others; it has been an incredible blessing. There is an immediate connection when you know someone else is currently waging a war of their own. The nurses pulled out all the stops today and definitely brought tears to my eyes as they presented Mark with a completion certificate and sang a song of celebration. Seriously, they sang! They claimed they didn't know how to dance. Mark and I should have pressed and held out for the dance. I think we could have urged it out of them in time. When we come back, we will expect some actions or something Linda:) Oh, and we love you!

This is Linda presenting the certificate of completion:

We love everyone at Teton Oncology. Everyone from the front desk, to the nurses, to the doctors, to the other patients. I don't want to wish anyone to have to go there, but it is an upside if you find yourself in a similar predicament. Maybe we should convince them to provide a different service like a good car wash. Everyone likes a good, reliable car wash now and then.

Even though chemotherapy is done, Mark has a good cooling down period before we are officially done. In a few weeks, he will start radiation which will continue for thirty days. We will think of this as a good cool down and stretch. There will be a few side affects, but it should be "easy" compared to what he has already gone through. He does have a few whiskers on the top of his head. Hopefully these will multiply and his eyelashes will come back soon. After radiation, he will have his final PET scan to ensure everything looks as good as they did halfway through treatment. Then, the port will come out and he will be continually monitored and having CT scans for a few months. Over time, these will fade out and we will go in less and less. Here's to hoping we have beaten good once and for all. I don't know how optimistic I would be about a round 2.

In other news, I decided to ugly up my dog. Mark hates the excessive hair and wished that Roxy would follow the example of other friends who have shown support by shaving their heads. So, today Roxy went in for a shave down. At least she now matches the patch of missing hair she was supporting after the attack. She once had a beautiful, flowing coat. She now looks like this:

She is still cute in the eyes of her mother. And she has a cute handkerchief. She does seem to be sulking about being bald though. However, I think she will find this to be much cooler. Her long coat tended to collect the assortment of goods when we took her horseback riding and exploring. Mark suggested we tell her she is a good dog more often and give her more food and we will shortly be forgiven. I am sure he is right.

We are still waiting to for our adoption home study to be completed. If anyone wants to urge LDSFS along, feel free. The, "It will be done next week" has been going on for about 5 now. Another lesson on patience I suppose. I guess it is preparing us for the amount of waiting we will do once we are actually approved. I start a whole bunch of classes Monday, outside, so pray for warm weather. It was supposed to be summer by second block so I wouldn't freeze all day every day. Thank you all again for your love and support. We send it right back! I will try to post a little more regularly. I take a hiatus if I can't say anything nice. I would rather not display my crappy attitude. We hope the ride is only up from here!

This final picture is of our front door. Wonderful friends braved the wind to hang balloons and these encouraging stars. Thanks guys! Hopefully they stay on for awhile. They are too cute and bring a smile:)