Onward Ho

 

Nothing new and exciting around these parts, just doing our daily routine and feeling awfully drained for no good reason. Mark has caught his yearly cold/pneumonia, it's an August tradition. Paige and I have really been busy doing nothing, not sure how that works. This weekend we help my brother move in and I am pretty excited to have some of my family within a few hours drive. Next week we board the big plane to go see my parents. Paige is excited and talks about the plane everyday. She told me last night that we are riding the plane to see Boppa, and that he is going to take her to the park because he is "so nice." Never mind her mother takes her to the park multiple times a week. I'm sure the park Boppa has in mind is way better! Just to make sure my mom doesn't feel left out, she rounded out the conversation by conceding that "Mamma is nice too." Paige then told me it was time to sing one more song and then she needed to go to bed. Paige certainly is the boss! Not going to argue with her on that one though.

 

Besides our epic battle with the potty, Paige has decided naps aren't cool. However, Mom thinks naps are super cool and necessary. She still needs them and when she doesn't have one, the evening is full of meltdowns. We go through phases like this all the time, and I hope she gets back into the nap phase soon. I always feel amazing when I yell at her to get back in her bed and go to sleep. I'm sure it's awfully relaxing and soothing. Paige will now run to her bed, climb in, and pretend she is asleep when she hears me turn the door knob. Clever young one, but I watched you climb back in! Paige hates all food that is actually food, and the other night she saw me pull dinner from the oven. She told me it was gross, put herself in her room, and told me "I'm not gonna eat that, I am gonna be naughty." I was able to coax her into actually trying a bite thanks to our previous reading of "Green Eggs and Ham." Wouldn't you know it, she actually didn't hate it once it was in her mouth! For the record, it was spaghetti casserole, smothered in cheese. Wasn't like I was trying to get her to eat asparagus or something. She is kind of a sight and texture freak. If it looks weird, it is, and if it feels strange in her mouth, I get it back right away. 

 

 

Paige gets really excited about new clothes. We put her new dress on and curled her hair, and she told me she was "so pretty." She then gave me her prettiest smile. I'm sorry, but she's adorable.

 

We've hit up the carousel a few times this summer, probably not enough. We've come along way though, and we can now leave without throwing a tantrum. Makes it a happy event from beginning to end!

 

Paige was not excited I took this picture, but this is her current favorite thing to play with. We take turns wearing the crown, and she waves the wand and says, "abra cadabra." She loves being the princess, and loves when she makes me the princess. In the last few weeks she has played with her toys better than ever. She will go upstairs all on her own, and I can hear her playing and entertaining herself. I love to listen to her and see her imagination at work. It must be an age thing? Seriously her toys were largely ignored until this point. She has also been obsessed with this v-tech toy that teaches writing. She gets the loud one, I get the magna doodle, and we write. Talking toys are beyond annoying, but I think it's possible she is learning so annoying toy it is!

 

Mark was roping the dummy, and Paige decided to grab her rope, which is twine string, and she headed for Mark while he heeled. It was hilarious, she really took it seriously. I couldn't get any closer without interrupting, but had to capture their daddy daughter moment! Loving these late summer nights. Still in mourning that they are numbered.

 

 

With the close of summer comes the silver lining....college football! Seriously though, it rules the roost in the Fall. Mark and I are obsessed. Last night the season kicked off and we watched a whole lot of boring games just because it was football. Saturday is BYU's first game and when the real fun begins. Mark and I are already nervous and I am trying to be realistic and am setting myself up for a mediocre season. That way I am not disappointed and super surprised if it fares better!

 

Yesterday was also a mess. As much as tell myself that the adoption thing is going on hold, and I am not going to think about it, I am forced to think about it. I really try to just move on with the days and not stress about it, but it never seems to work. I honestly think the time isn't right. I know it isn't. I know we can wait and be more patient. I get so anxious for something to happen, and then kind of scared when I think something actually could. I get pretty scared at times to add #2. I hope all moms feel this way. It scares me to think they will out number me 2-1 while Mark is at work, and my patience could be much worse when sleep deprived. But then, I see babies, or baby things, or remember what it is like to snuggle a sleeping newborn and I get anxious. Anyway, I woke up and had an email in our adoption email inbox, and of course was freaking out. I spent most of the day researching if it was a scam. Love it. Love having to put ourselves out there but that is the price you pay. You have to put yourself out there! Anyway, after spending the morning feeling out the situation only to be discourage the only emails we get from itsaboutlove.org seem to be scams, I got an email late last night that a baby girl had been born in Texas and papers were being signed today at 1, and they needed a family urgently. The birth mother was looking at profiles and wanted more options. I so badly wanted to send our profile in for this beautiful, healthy, baby girl, but the fees are just so expensive. It was actually lower than most, and for an already born baby with less risk involved, it really pulled at my heart strings. Adoption is just emotionally draining. I knew the situation wasn't for us, even though I wanted it to be so badly. I just think it's crazy that in one day we can have two very different extremes. I suppose it's the equivalent of having morning sickness and other not fun things about being pregnant. Bringing a baby into your home is a process of high and lows, no matter which route you take. I know being pregnant would be a challenge, but I get a little irritated when people tell me how much easier it must be to adopt. Mark and I have both felt very frustrated and deflated this week. It hurts. It's not easy, but it is worth it. So---onward ho! 

 

 



Gratitude

Tonight, Paige and I spent some time alone together, walking the greenbelt. I was overwhelmed with gratitude as I spent an hour talking with this sweet little girl I get to call mine. I have worked pretty hard to ensure that when you ask her who her best friend is, she says "Mom." I also make sure she knows my answer to the same question is "Paige." We then exclaim we are best friends....and you know what? We ARE! There are days that are long and hard, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. She is my bright spot, my world, my miracle. I know I am biased, but I think she is the most beautiful little girl in the entire world. I adore her, she is beyond special. I can't believe I get to be her mom.

 

She really wanted to pet the ducks and geese. Paige asked them multiple times if they were happy. I promised her they were the happiest birds out there.

 

This girl loves to shop. She isn't quite an endurance shopper yet, but she knows what she wants when she sees it. These boots were an instant hit. She had to have them, and she had to wear them out of the store. We did get a fabulous sale price so it was an easy yes!

Paige talks... a lot! She talks really well and for the most part, I can catch every word. She is funny and full of sass (like seriously you have no idea, how she can be so sweet and sassy confuses me). A few of her favorite things to say recently: "I am too tired." She says this if I ask her to do anything she doesn't want to do, from eating to taking off her shoes. Any adult male is a  "big guy" and she likes to say "that's my Dad" or "that's my Mom." When I ask her if she is my baby, she says "No, I'm Paige." Sigh. that one makes me sad. Paige loves shows. I have created a monster and I am totally to blame. I bought a DVD that has 'Yo Gabba Gabba" on it, and she watches it over and over again in the car. She is obsessed. There is a silly song they sing about times to be quiet and times to be loud. When I woke her up for church from a seriously deep sleep, she jumped up and with drool on her face, immediately sang "loud, loud, LOUD!" Apparently she dreams about this show! Once in a while she will say something totally random and I have no idea where it comes from. The other day in the car she randomly said, "Mom, an owl says hooo, hoo, hoo." Yes, yes it does.

Paige tells me that everything I feed her is "gross." She will also tell me she needs to go potty, while she is messing her shorts. She still has no desire to potty train, and is stubborn enough that when we try, she will sit on the toilet and hold it....for like 45 minutes. She likes to help me do laundry and vacuum, but really loves to feed Roxy and Boots. She takes this chore very seriously. She fills their bowls, then demands that they eat. Anyone catching the irony?

I can't describe how lucky and blessed I feel to have Paige in our home. She truly is our miracle baby. I tell her that, I tell anyone that asks about her that. I still can't make sense of it sometimes. It doesn't seem possible that I have the most wonderful child who came from the most wonderful birth family. I think working through the process again, I am realizing more and more that we are SO BLESSED. Thank you, thank you, thank you, my angel Olivia. Thank you for being you, thank you for being a part of our lives, thank you for being amazing, and thank you for giving me the most priceless gift. Paige is amazing. She is strong, beautiful, loving, and oh so much like you! And Melissa, thank you for all you do for us. Thank you for being so much more than a friend. Thank you for letting us be a part of your lives. Thank you for being family. We love you all!

Ups and Downs

Life has been pretty hectic around these parts. All self inflicted. I feel like I am slowly becoming a smart phone addict. It was only a few months ago I was fighting against a phone upgrade, and maybe I should have fought harder! The iPhone battery cannot keep up with demand. Between the forums I have joined ( I really want to spell that word with an "n" on the end, why? For my own joy I wish I could use my only spelling rules on my personal blog....anyways...) and the emails I have sent out, I check in like every ten minutes. So unnecessary and really annoying to anyone around me I am sure. I have felt anxious and unsettled all week and I feel at any minute I am going to get great or terrible news delivered to my inbox. I keep thinking I need to step back from my adoption networking and let things be, and then someone in the forum posts a great situation lead, or they post about their wonderful match or their wonderful new baby. On one hand I am so happy for people, on the other hand I am so jealous of people! I know I need to be more patient, but why is it so hard!? I was reading my own past posts last night and it was awful. First, Paige was like a baby. Seriously, how does she look so different in 6 months? Or last summer when she was 1.5, she was a baby. I miss it. I keep thinking we are so new in our adoption journey, until I read about my baby hungry self last summer---and I still had a baby around! Let's be honest though, a baby last summer would have sent me to the loony bin. Maybe it still isn't the right time yet and my plan and His plan are going to have to figure out each other. ...meaning mine is going to have to change for the undoubtedly better one. Sometimes it's hard to let go and trust in that, even though I know it's the right thing to do.

My FB status the other day alluded to my inability to make decisions, even small ones regarding what I want to eat, or what candy bar I should buy. Well I learned a tough lesson last week. If you stand around too long deciding what candy bar to choose, someone else knows a good thing when they see it and will eat all the candy bars for you. Decision made. Paige and I have had swimming lessons the last two weeks, during our gym time, so exercise has taken a serious hit, but I was able to squeeze a workout in the other day. It's a great time for me in a lot of ways. I usually listen to General Conference while I exercise, and I feel like it's a spiritual and physical boost for me. Anyway, I was listening to President Monson's talk from last October. He spoke about the Lord being in the details of our lives, that there are no coincidences, and that we need to listen to promptings and act on them when they happen. I just cried. Last week I really feel like I had some signs, promptings and "coincidences" and while I sat there trying decide what to do, someone made the decision for me. I was too late. I missed out---we missed out. I am hoping that wasn't our only chance at a miracle, but I know it has made my emotions this week all over the place.

Paige and I have really enjoyed swim class. It is only about 30 minutes, but has successfully made anything else going on that day impossible. Swimming is a lot of work! It ended yesterday, and I look forward to having my days back, but I am really glad we did it. Paige seemed to improve her comfort level in the water, and I learned another valuable lesson. Even though I can teach her piano, or violin, or to swim, I will pay someone else to do it.  When I taught swimming lessons, I was more patient with other people's kids. When Paige freaks out about not wanting to float on her back, I am not nice. Not nearly as patient as I was with my students, well most of them;)  I just want to tell her to suck it up and float on her back dang it! I can only imagine what teaching her piano would be like.....we would not be friends.

 

Paige was pretty much the oldest in the class, but she wasn't old enough to be in the actual pre-school class. We felt like the awkward middles.

 

My little brother has been in town for the week in between semesters. It has been really fun having him around. He will be doing an internship in NYC this fall, he is a city loving boy and this will be the second time has lived in the Big Apple. The kid is a dreamer, but he makes it happen and makes it all a reality. I wish I had a bit more dreamer in me. I was always too scared, or too realistic or something. I feel like I missed out and definitely limited my own possibilities. Oh to be young and ambitious! Live it up while it lasts! We hit up our favorite lunch spot and Paige watched Jay and I eat. How does she live? Anyway, super cute picture of the two of them.

 

 

My poor sweet grandma fell and broke her hip about a week ago. She is the sweetest lady on the planet, but always seems to draw the short straw. She hasn't felt good for awhile, and I am sure a broken hip isn't going to help that out at all. Grandma truly is the most patient and kind person I know. And when I say patient.....I mean the type of patience angels are made from. Love her. Having experienced a small break, I can't imagine the amount of pain this lady is in, and she had to have a big 'ole rod and pins. Needless to say, she will be in a rehab facility for awhile. The three of us stopped by after our lunch date. Paige found a friend in Grandpa and snuggled up for a good ten minutes. My Grandpa is a loving guy, but not in the affectionate, obvious way. Growing up, if  he made fun of you, you knew he loved you. He's grown a bit softer with age, and he kind of loves "the cute little shit"  I bring with me. (totally Grandpa for ya, I hear this every time I see him, sorry if it offends!)The picture kind of melts me a bit. My dad is fairly certain Paige was reminded of him as she snuggled with HIS dad.

 

The physical therapist was very kind and patient even though he had an audience. He let Paige help Grandma do her therapy. Paige thought putting those colored pegs in was the best game ever. Wonder if Grandma felt it was.....I am sure she enjoyed it more having the cutest assistant ever! I love these two. I feel blessed to live close enough to see them regularly, I need to make it happen more. Time is catching up, and there will come a day when visiting at the kitchen table will be a memory I wish I had more of.

 

Freedom!

Can somebody slow time down? Goodness the days are moving fast. I have had so much fun lately, most of it involving horseback riding. Last week I ditched my normal riding partner (Mark) and went with my good friend Beth. She essentially acted as my ranch hand. She picked me up, trailered my horse, saddled my horse, bridled my horse, the works. First class service I tell you! I had the best time though (no offense Mark). It was so leisurely and a whole lot of talking went on. Saturday was clean the house catch up day. I worked while Mark went for a motorcycle ride. He rewarded me with another horse ride that night though, so it worked out. We went to a friends arena which is always a good time. I am able to work on things that aren't possible on a trail type ride. Tucker is unbelievable in the arena, and Paige rides him herself in there. She loves it and thinks she is a pretty big deal. She requested a rope as she rode. Silly girl. Tucker puts his head down and follows me as I walk around the arena. Paige holds the reins and is certain she is in control.

Sunday we took a drive and checked out some of the local waterfalls. It was a nice little family excursion. We tried our best at a family "selfie"-----not easy I tell ya!

 

I am holding Paige, leaning in for the shot, and looking twenty years older than I am. At least you can't see the awesome complexion I am rocking. The wrinkles are distracting from the acne and melasma. How do I get so lucky to have the skin of a 14 year old and a 65 year old? And we weren't able to catch the waterfall in there, but at least no ones head is chopped off! Mark had Paige on his shoulders as he peered over the guardrail. Let's talk about over protective mommy. I was freaking. I was having all sorts of mental pictures of Paige tumbling over the cliff. Mark was not concerned and laughed at me. Maybe I'm a nervous nelly, but seriously someone has to be on my side!

 

 

Monday was the big day, the day the smelly cast and I parted ways. The freedom and excitement of the experience was shattered as I realized how uncomfortable that freedom is after 6 weeks of confinement. Apparently, only half of the break has healed. I have one side that is still completely cracked, and honestly there is a fairly substantial gapping. The doctor didn't seem too concerned, besides giving me a brace to wear when I do anything active. I find it a bit unsettling. In summary, it is still broke but I am to act like it isn't.  I have about 30 degrees of movement, it is so stiff. I am to improve that or face physical therapy. Trying to move past that isn't easy. Paige and I have been doing Mommy 'n Me swim class and it is both fun and torturous. I am constantly lifting and catching her and it is beyond uncomfortable. Maybe one of these times I will catch her and it will either snap into full motion, or just help that crack along.

 

 

Saying goodbye to the bacteria farm.

 

The withered limb. Washing my hands fully was a joy. Once I got all the dead skin off, I had a pretty cool tan line. This wrist is actually bigger than my left now, not smaller, so withered might be the wrong word.

 

 

Boots is a little bipolar. She can be very friendly, or very----not. Paige shared her chalk which seemed to please the cat, and the cat even allowed Paige to decorate her a bit.

 

Mark is always giving Paige a ride on his shoulders, I caught her doing this with her baby doll the other day. Too funny, but also slightly scary as that baby glares into the camera with the sinister smile. Why do baby dolls appear so creepy sometimes?

 

 

I have spent the remainder of this week adoption networking as much as possible and talking to a million attorneys it seems like. It is a rollercoaster and there are things that give me hope, and things that discourage me. I have become a skeptic and I am forever fearful of scams or dishonesty or losing lots of money due to a disruption. It is scary to trust strangers in different states. I have been trying to talk with them to get their program details, and then I spend hours looking for references and checking licenses, and hoping they are who they say they are. I do feel like being proactive has helped me feel in control at least a little. In adoption, it often feels like you have no control or say. You are at the mercy of so many others, and it is one of the hardest things. You are often trusting complete strangers with your heart, your emotions, and your money. Sadly, there are so many stories of people more than willing to take advantage of desperate families. But, I have come across some new avenues and things I haven't considered before, and I have lots of leads. I have learned a lot too which is never a bad thing.  I feel hopeful and so we forge on!