Ups and Downs

Life has been pretty hectic around these parts. All self inflicted. I feel like I am slowly becoming a smart phone addict. It was only a few months ago I was fighting against a phone upgrade, and maybe I should have fought harder! The iPhone battery cannot keep up with demand. Between the forums I have joined ( I really want to spell that word with an "n" on the end, why? For my own joy I wish I could use my only spelling rules on my personal blog....anyways...) and the emails I have sent out, I check in like every ten minutes. So unnecessary and really annoying to anyone around me I am sure. I have felt anxious and unsettled all week and I feel at any minute I am going to get great or terrible news delivered to my inbox. I keep thinking I need to step back from my adoption networking and let things be, and then someone in the forum posts a great situation lead, or they post about their wonderful match or their wonderful new baby. On one hand I am so happy for people, on the other hand I am so jealous of people! I know I need to be more patient, but why is it so hard!? I was reading my own past posts last night and it was awful. First, Paige was like a baby. Seriously, how does she look so different in 6 months? Or last summer when she was 1.5, she was a baby. I miss it. I keep thinking we are so new in our adoption journey, until I read about my baby hungry self last summer---and I still had a baby around! Let's be honest though, a baby last summer would have sent me to the loony bin. Maybe it still isn't the right time yet and my plan and His plan are going to have to figure out each other. ...meaning mine is going to have to change for the undoubtedly better one. Sometimes it's hard to let go and trust in that, even though I know it's the right thing to do.

My FB status the other day alluded to my inability to make decisions, even small ones regarding what I want to eat, or what candy bar I should buy. Well I learned a tough lesson last week. If you stand around too long deciding what candy bar to choose, someone else knows a good thing when they see it and will eat all the candy bars for you. Decision made. Paige and I have had swimming lessons the last two weeks, during our gym time, so exercise has taken a serious hit, but I was able to squeeze a workout in the other day. It's a great time for me in a lot of ways. I usually listen to General Conference while I exercise, and I feel like it's a spiritual and physical boost for me. Anyway, I was listening to President Monson's talk from last October. He spoke about the Lord being in the details of our lives, that there are no coincidences, and that we need to listen to promptings and act on them when they happen. I just cried. Last week I really feel like I had some signs, promptings and "coincidences" and while I sat there trying decide what to do, someone made the decision for me. I was too late. I missed out---we missed out. I am hoping that wasn't our only chance at a miracle, but I know it has made my emotions this week all over the place.

Paige and I have really enjoyed swim class. It is only about 30 minutes, but has successfully made anything else going on that day impossible. Swimming is a lot of work! It ended yesterday, and I look forward to having my days back, but I am really glad we did it. Paige seemed to improve her comfort level in the water, and I learned another valuable lesson. Even though I can teach her piano, or violin, or to swim, I will pay someone else to do it.  When I taught swimming lessons, I was more patient with other people's kids. When Paige freaks out about not wanting to float on her back, I am not nice. Not nearly as patient as I was with my students, well most of them;)  I just want to tell her to suck it up and float on her back dang it! I can only imagine what teaching her piano would be like.....we would not be friends.

 

Paige was pretty much the oldest in the class, but she wasn't old enough to be in the actual pre-school class. We felt like the awkward middles.

 

My little brother has been in town for the week in between semesters. It has been really fun having him around. He will be doing an internship in NYC this fall, he is a city loving boy and this will be the second time has lived in the Big Apple. The kid is a dreamer, but he makes it happen and makes it all a reality. I wish I had a bit more dreamer in me. I was always too scared, or too realistic or something. I feel like I missed out and definitely limited my own possibilities. Oh to be young and ambitious! Live it up while it lasts! We hit up our favorite lunch spot and Paige watched Jay and I eat. How does she live? Anyway, super cute picture of the two of them.

 

 

My poor sweet grandma fell and broke her hip about a week ago. She is the sweetest lady on the planet, but always seems to draw the short straw. She hasn't felt good for awhile, and I am sure a broken hip isn't going to help that out at all. Grandma truly is the most patient and kind person I know. And when I say patient.....I mean the type of patience angels are made from. Love her. Having experienced a small break, I can't imagine the amount of pain this lady is in, and she had to have a big 'ole rod and pins. Needless to say, she will be in a rehab facility for awhile. The three of us stopped by after our lunch date. Paige found a friend in Grandpa and snuggled up for a good ten minutes. My Grandpa is a loving guy, but not in the affectionate, obvious way. Growing up, if  he made fun of you, you knew he loved you. He's grown a bit softer with age, and he kind of loves "the cute little shit"  I bring with me. (totally Grandpa for ya, I hear this every time I see him, sorry if it offends!)The picture kind of melts me a bit. My dad is fairly certain Paige was reminded of him as she snuggled with HIS dad.

 

The physical therapist was very kind and patient even though he had an audience. He let Paige help Grandma do her therapy. Paige thought putting those colored pegs in was the best game ever. Wonder if Grandma felt it was.....I am sure she enjoyed it more having the cutest assistant ever! I love these two. I feel blessed to live close enough to see them regularly, I need to make it happen more. Time is catching up, and there will come a day when visiting at the kitchen table will be a memory I wish I had more of.