Christmas

 I'm so sad Christmas is over. January has to be the most depressing month ever! We had such a fun Christmas and it's hard to know normal routine is right around the corner. Mark is usually CRAZY busy during the holidays because it is year end, but this year he was able to finish up all his deals the Friday before Christmas. For the first time in a few years, he has had a bunch of time off and it has be awesome! I've loved having him around. Christmas Eve was gorgeous and even though it was nice and clear, the temperature wasn't biting cold. Mark felt it was a good opportunity to introduce Paige to some sledding---country style. Paige was obsessed. She laughed and giggled the entire time. Mark pulled that crazy girl around for two and half hours and she still cried when it was time to stop.

 

 

She is pretty cute all bundled up. I ended up sitting on back of the four wheeler and catching some film filled with squeals and giggles.

 

 

Roxy loves the snow. She goes nuts and follows her nose a mile a minute. She has gotten pretty good about sticking close to home in the summer, but winter is a different story. If left to roam, she is long gone. When you do find her and call her home she totally ignores you and runs the other way. Mark whistles for her and Paige says "whoop whoop" since she can't whistle. Mark was laughing at her and yelled "Roxy whoop whoop" the other day and Paige freaked out. She told Mark that was her whistle and he needed to do his whistle. Either way, Roxy ignores them both! Roxy has enjoyed the sledding and sticks close enough to chase Paige around while we pull her. After two hours behind the four-wheeler, Mark and Paige slowed things down and tried some good old-fashioned hill sledding down the driveway.

 

We have awesome friends and they have invited us to crash their family parties lately. We feel so blessed to be a part and love every minute of it. I hope they realize how fortunate they are to have such a fun, large, loving family that all live nearby. Paige was a dove in the nativity and her little hat was too cute. She blended right in and barged her way into all sorts of family pictures

 

I woke up before everyone else Christmas morning and thought I'd set the mood. It was perfectly peaceful and beautiful.

 

I snapped this shot out my back window. All is calm. All is bright. Enjoying a few moments to myself was the perfect way to start the day.

 

This was the first year it was just the three of us on Christmas morning. We felt very small. With Paige getting older and more excited about things, it was a lot more fun and it reminded me of Christmas's when I was a kid with one exception, numbers. I love our little family, but in some ways it is really hard. I definitely felt like something was missing. Santa was pretty good to Paige and it was her turn every turn:) He brought me an iPad and Mark got a few days to a team roping school in Arizona. Santa was pretty excited about that gift, especially since he was smart enough to make sure Mark's best friend got the same thing so they could go together.

 

 

Paige's favorite gift came in the form of a fully equipped kitchen. I was able to FaceTime Mom and Dad so they could see her unwrap this. It was priceless. She immediately whipped them up some eggs. I hope she enjoys this for years to come.

 

As much as I hate the cold and snow, I love where we live. It's beautiful and there is a lot to do. The river flooded the pasture down in the bottoms and created this natural skating rink. Most of the water receded, but there is a huge 4 inch slab that our neighbor shoveled off. It is amazing how smooth and nice it is for being nature made. We may need to invest in some skates to enjoy our own private rink!

 

We had a wonderful Christmas and I really enjoyed the season this year, especially watching Paige truly enjoy it for her first time. It has been a difficult few weeks however, and I am working really hard on focusing on the positive and maintaining a hopeful attitude. I feel very discouraged at times and wish I could see the future. I am constantly reminding myself to enjoy the now, and that has been easy with so much to do. I have heard so many stories lately that are both scary and discouraging and it has been hard not to focus on them. I am not sure I could survive some of the experiences others have faced. I had to remind myself that while I have not been blessed with a baby this year, my Heavenly Father did save me a lot of heartache. Crushing heartache financially and emotionally. One situation we said "no" to ended up being a huge scam of sorts and honestly, I'm not sure I would have come through it in any positive way. I am fearful of January and things slowing down enough that I have too much alone time with my thoughts. I hope I can run on the optimistic fumes I have created the last little while to get me through it. Counting my blesses and focusing on things I do have sounds like just the right ticket.

Three

Three years ago, I became a blubbering crier during the Christmas season. Paige obviously changed our entire lives, but she also completely changed the way I felt about Christmas and specifically, the Nativity. Between her birthday and Christmas, I cry for a good two weeks straight. Cards, songs, sentimental commercials, kind words.....just about anything can bring me to tears. I have so many emotions. Three years ago, I witnessed the happiest sad.

As Liv's due date drew near, I was a nervous wreck. I was worried if placement would happen, how placement would happen, and I felt so much heartache for a moment I knew would be very, very hard(which I underestimated). Since we had been in contact with Liv for so many months, we had the chance to really build a bond. I love that girl ya'll! Initially, she wasn't so sure she wanted an open adoption, and while I respected that, I knew I would really miss her. She had become such an important part of my life and a best friend. Mark and I will never forget the moment we saw Paige for the first time, but what  sticks with me the most is placement day, and not in the ways you might expect. I honestly don't know if I can place that situation into words. Unless you've been there, it is difficult to understand. The excitement I felt was numbed by the most selfless, loving and hardest thing I've ever witnessed. It is the most loving sacrifice I have seen first hand. That event deepened my understanding of the Savior and my Heavenly Father and their sacrifice for us more than any other event in my life. Paige's birthday takes me back to the most emotionally charged days of my life. Within a matter of months we took cancer and adoption head on. I honestly don't know how I was sane at all! Perhaps my sanity is debatable.  Fortunately for me, Liv is still a part of our lives and my best friend decided to leave that door open. Just a second miracle that Christmas.

That Christmas, things just changed for me, and the people and events surrounding the Savior's birth meant so much more. I saw parallels between my personal miracle and THE Christmas miracle. A loving mother, a joyous birth, an "adoptive" father, sacrifice, glimpses into heaven, LOVE. I felt these things stronger and deeper than ever before. Christmas really is about the gift of a child. My heart is often turned to Mary. How incredible she must have been to be chosen to be His mother. All the different emotions and thoughts she must have had. Her inevitable heartache as she watched her Son make a sacrifice for all, the sacrifice she made as His mother watching him die for the rest of us. The amount of responsibility and fear that comes with being a new mom is hard anyway, but add knowing you were to mother the Savior must have been a bit daunting and humbling. The shepherds, watching the heavens open and celebrating the joy of his birth, making haste to see a babe lying in a manger. I wish I could have been a shepherd. Joseph and his love for Mary and her baby. I can't imagine his load was light, but he took it head on, understood his place, and did his best. A baby. A perfect, beautiful baby. The King of Kings came to Earth as a baby in the lowliest of circumstances. Believers who searched and sought for signs. A star that would witness His birth and saved the righteous from those who doubted the words of the prophets and sought to kill them unless the sign prophesied about appeared. What a wonderful joyous time.

I serve in Primary and love singing time all the more come Christmas time. Best. Songs. Ever. I cry weekly. All the kids love to sing them and Primary just feels different during the month of December. Today I was my usual emotional self when the Nursery decided to bring the kids that will be Sunbeams in for a test run. My goodness. Paige walked in and I was just a mess. I was given a tissue. How is she getting so big? Where did my baby go? Sacrament meeting rolled around and I wanted to cry for different reasons, but at that moment she just seemed like this little angel that in no way can be old enough to officially be in Primary, give talks, sing songs, and have a part in the Primary program. Sigh. I hope I've treasured my time with her enough. The last few weeks have been such a challenge with her. I often go to bed feeling so guilty, and honestly like a big old failure. Is it possible she has a split personality? Challenges of motherhood I guess.

Paige's actual birthday was fun. I missed my parents, but we were able to celebrate with all of Mark's family at the Christmas party the day before, and had friends over for cake on her actual birthday. She got plenty of love and attention. I tried to make her birthday extra fun and special this year since she was old enough to be excited about it.

I woke her up since it was Sunday and she gave me this look and then....

Rolled over and went back to sleep. Is she 3 or 15 people?!

I taped up this crepe paper on the bathroom door for her to bust through with joy, an idea I saw on Pinterest. Notice Paige's finger as she mulls over what she should do. She eventually crawled under it all. I had to convince her to run through it with me.

Since we were few on numbers, I grabbed some of her babies and put hats on them. This was actually a hit and she kept telling me her friends were there with hats on. They are very good friends. Quiet, no mess. Great party guests.

Since I am not exceptionally talented with two hands, I knew I would be an epic fail with one, so Mark picked out this great ice cream cake from DQ and Paige was beyond thrilled about her pink Rapunzel cake.

Paige's actual living friends came by for the party and they were infinitely better than her stuffed ones. We love Kallie, Cole, Hagen, and little Hayes. I got to snuggle that little newborn which was a gift for me:) Paige LOVES Hagen and was so happy he could come. Mandi's kids are adorable and spent all afternoon making Paige cards, coupon books with "inspirashun" dates, and presents. We got a kick out of them all, but the one below from Cole was especially awesome.

Haha! If you can't read that, it says: Paige you are a good kid you might get a brother or sister.

Awesome.

Paige's birth family sent her this cute card and a super fun outfit. Paige loves that her shirt has a "cake" on it and gets really excited about wearing it.

Paige always wants to ride in those bulky car carts that I can't maneuver in any way. I just needed to get a few things and the small cart didn't  have room for her to sit inside. I hoped by letting her walk it would lessen the disappointment of not getting the car cart. She instead found her own way to ride and was quite thrilled with herself.

Paige took this picture all on her own...her first selfie. She's just cute.

Whatever Floats your Boat

 

 

A little over a week ago, Paige notified me she was awake and ready for the day. When I got in there, she told me not to touch her she was on a boat. I have no idea where this idea came from, but it is safe to say it is a new obsession. In fact, I am typing this post from one of her boats. She's fairly insistent on who rides, where they sit, and when you can get off. Most of the time I am on driving duty, but you can only drive so many boats to the cookie store in a day. I've convinced her to let me type while Puppy drives.

 

 

Fortunately Dad comes home from work and takes a turn on the boat.

 

 

Besides boat riding, I've been mourning Paige's third birthday. She is growing up so fast. She is doing all she can to savor her terrible two's. Since Thanksgiving my sweet little one has been slightly possessed. We have had stages like this before, a week or two of sheer terror. She can throw one nasty fit and lately everything has been a fight. Getting into the car, getting out of the car, going potty, not going potty, eating, brushing teeth, putting on socks....you get the picture. I'm hoping teeth are the culprit because I can not figure out why the sudden shift in demeanor. I've had some less than proud mommy moments as I have tried to learn some patience and how to better handle her screaming into my face multiple times a day. I will say that I feel like I have shown signs of improvement. Yesterday, she spent some quality time in her room beating her legs against the floor while I managed to zone out and eat my lunch in relative peace.

 

Her birthday is always a time of reflection for me. Each year as she grows, I wonder if this will be the last kid I watch learn to walk, talk, and grow into their own little person. The time goes so fast. It feels like sand between my fingers and I hope that I treasure my time with her enough. There are hard moments, but oh so many good ones. She is getting big and changing so fast. Paige has taught me so much, and I love experiencing life through her point of view. I feel like I get to be a kid all over again because of her. I get to color, watch cartoons, get excited about things like the moon, see Santa, and recognize the magic still left in the world. It seems like time has flown by, but it also seems like she has been a part of our family forever. I can't imagine my life without her, and I am beyond blessed!

 

We did see Santa this week and Paige did pretty well. I prepped her all day and got her pretty excited. When it came right down to it, she was shy but willingly sat on his lap and snuggled up close. She really just wanted to snuggle with Santa and I don't think he realized she was trying to be loving. Pretty sure Santa thought she was scared. She managed to mumble "presents" when he asked what she wanted for Christmas. Paige apparently is only particular about her food, presents are presents! I was personally very impressed with Santa. He was a good one!

 

 

The other event of the week was a new cast. I have another month and a half to go, but I'm halfway through! I requested black again, but they were out. From there, there really wasn't a "good" choice. White gets too dirty, navy blue doesn't look navy blue and looks very hospital-ish. The rest are all very colorful and scream, "look at me!" In my head I thought, "purple is like black, let's do that." Hmmm. Purple does NOT look like black!  At least Paige is a fan. She has been pretty excited about my  purple "owie" and how it matches her fingernails. I, however, feel like I'm five. If it would only light up when I shook it things would be perfect. I took a picture of my skin during the short lived freedom I experienced, but I will spare you. Disgusting, smelly, and itchy. I tried my best to exfoliate while I had the chance, but don't think it was too productive. I did leave a pretty pile of skin behind. Embarrassing.

 

 

Mark's mom watched Paige last Saturday while we did some Christmas shopping. Her cousins were in town and Paige loved every moment. Madison is 15 and was snap chatting with some friends. She caught Paige in the background copying her every move. Kind of hilarious.

 

 

Paige took our orders the other night at Texas Roadhouse. She took it very seriously. She even suggested I put cheese on my hamburger. I like the way she thinks.

 





 

I walked into the piano room the other night, flipped on the lights, and found my spot on the bench occupied. Made me laugh.

 

 

Random things she has said lately:

 

After putting on her coat, she saluted me and said, "Thank you sir"

 

"Hey, I have an idea. I think I need something yummy"

 

"I want to be naughty and go to time out."

 

"I don't want to be sad, I just want to be happy."

 

"I don't like to walk on the snow. It's gross and a huge mess."

 

"Dad, let's sing bird" (My Heavenly Father Loves Me) "Paige, I don't know that one." "You should learn it---it's fun." Mark says they have this conversation every night.



Thanksgiving Adventures

 

How is it already the holidays? HOW?! This year flew by. A year ago, Mom and Dad shared the news of their mission call and I was kind of sad all last season knowing things would forever be different. We will officially be spending all holidays with Mark's family for the next three years, but I'm glad we have some family around to share it with. In true Thanksgiving spirit, we convinced Mark's parents that eating out is way better than working for days on a meal----especially a meal centered around turkey. I have yet to have a turkey that I actually enjoy. Just not my thing. Yes, you can now "boo" me for destroying the holiday. Does it count that I was really thankful we didn't have to cook or clean? We met Mark's parents and his brother's family at Tucanos. Delicious! We showed up, ate, and left a mess for someone else to clean up. It was really quite fabulous. We stayed at the City Creek Marriot so we could enjoy downtown SLC. After lunch, Mark, Paige, and I went  to Frozen. It was great and captivated a very tired little girl. Afterwards, we visited Paige's birth family. So great to catch up! Have I mentioned how much we ADORE them? Wish life wasn't so busy and we could get together more.

Paige convinced the makeup queen to give her a makeover, and Olivia was nice enough to let Paige loose with a brush and very nice makeup. Paige also managed to "put her socks away" in a spot where nobody could find them. I did get a text a day later that they were found in a file cabinet drawer. I will take responsibility for Paige wanting things to be in order.

 

Paige loves grandpa's!

 

 

Lunch was during naptime so we got a little creative trying to keep Paige entertained. She also wouldn't eat one single thing besides the peanut butter and jelly sandwich I brought all the way from home--yet another reason why lots of time in the kitchen is usually wasted. Paige will currently eat yogurt, sliced cheese, instant oatmeal, and PB&J's

 

The cast is a beautiful accessory don't you think?

 

 

Two of my most favorite girls in the world! Paige took the makeup tips very seriously.

 

Friday we had a lot of time to kill waiting for the Christmas lights to come on at Temple Square. Nothing we wanted to do less than shop on Black Friday, but since we had never been to Scheels, we thought we would give it a go. It's huge, so despite the fact it was packed, we didn't really notice. Paige begged and begged to ride the Ferris Wheel and actually liked it. Mark was initially nervous because Paige wanted off while they waited at the top for all the other riders to load and unload. Once the thing got rolling, Paige squealed with glee the entire time and I got lots of excited waves. Worth the buck for sure!

 

 

After two days without naps, and a late night, Paige was in rare form. We went on a scenic drive up to Alta and Snowbird while she snoozed in the car. It turned out to be a great drive. There was not a lot of snow, so I'm not certain why people were insisting on skiing, but it was fun to see the massiveness of the mountains. I lived in Utah all those years and didn't touch skis or a snowboard until we moved. Go figure. Paige was only more fussy post nap, and pretty much ruined the Temple Square experience for all of us. We had talked it up for so long and she talked like she really wanted to go, but really it was awful. If she had been more refreshed, I think she really would have enjoyed it. She really just wanted to sit in the Tabernacle the whole time. Mark and I were shocked with how small the old Tabernacle felt. I actually remember attending General Conference there once with my dad, one of the last ones before the Conference Center was dedicated (an event I also witnessed first hand).

 

 

Cute faces. Paige refused to smile, and yes we may need to have surgery down the road to correct the forehead issues. Poor thing needs to learn to stick out the hands when she falls! Well, hmm, that didn't work too well for me. Maybe tuck and roll?

 

 

We got home late Friday night, we couldn't take much more vacation without naps. This ended up being a huge blessing....more to come on that. Paige woke up Saturday bright eyed and ready for action. She persistently requested I take this picture of her and all her friends.

 

Saturday was catch up day and after a two year hiatus due to moving multiple times around Christmas, I convinced Mark we had to put up the Christmas decorations without waiting one more day. Also a blessing in disguise. Mark went down into the crawlspace to grab our decorations and discovered water. Yay. Our furnace is super fancy and heats the house by using water from our well. Long story short, the soil outside the house was saturated and the excess water was draining back into our  basement. There wasn't too much water since we caught the problem the day it occurred. We can be grateful we came home from our trip early and that I insisted on decorating. Only our entire storage and everything my parent's own is in our crawlspace. No biggie. The water was isolated in a bare area and nothing was damaged. 

 

Our living room. I am not too fancy. Someday I would like to fill my shelves full of Christmas décor I love and matches. I have a few things smattered in there with my normal, everyday stuff. Most of my stuff is from my mom who has great taste. My parents sent me a Kneeling Santa sculpture for Christmas this year.  It is a favorite of mine and completely reminds me of my childhood and them. I need more things of that nature, but I think it will take many years to build a great collection. I think that stupid glass on the counter is a nice addition and adds to the ambiance. Wish I would have noticed that before taking the picture and downloading it to my computer.

 

 

Paige came in to my bathroom Sunday with this ensemble telling me she was all ready for "church day." That puppy was a free gift from Scheels with a $50 dollar purchase. We saw a table full on the way in and took our own sweet time to shop and play. Paige would NOT stop talking about the puppy and we assured her we would get her one. When we finally got to checking out with our qualifying purchases, Mark noticed them moving the display and we just missed the puppy handout. Explain that one to the tired two-year old! They still had some left, but they had ended the Black Friday promotion. I guess Paige gave a cute enough sad face and convinced the guy to let it slide. The puppy has been well loved since!

 

And here is our nice little pool we are putting in the backyard thanks to the furnace. Mark and friends spent the better half of the last two days fixing it and I hope it is. The 5 inches of snow from last night did nothing to help the situation. Neither did the 14 degrees and gusty winds. I just loathe winter. Exactly one week ago today, Paige and I were at the park in jackets. I knew it was too good to be true! Sigh. Inevitable, but if it had waited just a few more days life would have been easier! Oh and see there is now a completely good reason we procrastinated doing any landscaping and yard planting this summer!

 

Positivity at Work

 



This week has been a bit rough. Fortunately for me, I have been working on my positive attitude so it hasn't dumped me into complete despair. My heart has been a bit achey, but I'm still holding as tight as I can to hope and optimism.

 

First things first. At my first post-op visit I learned that I will indeed be rocking the cast for 3 months. That leaves me with about 8 or 9 weeks left since they counted the time spent in the postop club. I'm getting to be fairly proficient with the cast as long as it doesn't involve water. Dishes and hair washing are my biggest challenges. Writing is a bit difficult as well. It looks as if Paige is signing all my checks. When all is said and done, between the break and the surgery, I will have spent almost 6 months in a cast. The pins can be a bit sore at times, especially in the cold. Twisting and rotating is usually not a good idea either. Opening jars and cans are the bane of my existence. But other than inconvenience, it isn't too bad and all is well.

 

 

Thought I would document what my arm looks like since it will be a while until I see it again. The biggest incision and the one all the pins were placed through is on the side, below my thumb.

 

And my loyal friend. My thumb is immobilized and that has been tough. The cast doesn't come up as high on my hand or my arm which has been nice. I have enough of my fingers free that I can grip things somewhat.

 

 

This week started off with news that my sweet grandma was admitted to the ICU. I've been fairly out of the loop as to what actually happened, but maybe that was a blessing in disguise. We almost lost her a few times, and by the time I got a decent update, the worst was over. It's hard to see her feel so awful. She is still recovering from breaking her hip, and now has ulcers lining her entire digestive tract. We went down Friday to see her and she looked pretty good, but I couldn't help but feel how fragile life is, and how hard it is to age. Getting old just stinks, and I am convinced that one of the biggest trials of mortality is leaving it. I'm sure the rest of her days will not be without discomfort. I got to share some sweet moments with her for which I will forever be grateful. She is the most patient, loving, kind, and beautiful woman. She just radiates goodness and was more concerned about me (as usual) than herself. We were able to FaceTime with my parents and I know that meant a lot to her and to them. Grandma was grateful to see my dad's face and just said how much she loved him over and over. Technology is such an amazing thing! I regret not being able to keep my emotions in check. I am not sure it helped raise her spirits much having to comfort me, and I fear I was not comforting her a lick with the sadness and concern written all over my face. Not to mention the excess snot I shared.

 

After deciding to put adoption out of my mind to focus on the holidays and surgery, adoption once again found me. This one was particularly difficult. I feel like the situation completely came to us, and because of a number of circumstances, I was really thinking this was it. I tried not to get excited and tried to remain cautious, but it was so reminiscent of how things felt when we met Olivia that I was sure things had a good chance of working out. Mark even expressed similar feelings. When all was said and done, the expectant mother chose another family that she felt was the best choice for her. That is how it should be and I hope the best for her. She is a sweet girl and I appreciated the opportunity I had to get to know her briefly. I have nothing but love for those that are finding themselves in these situations and with all the courage and bravery in the world, make a plan for themselves and their babies. Regardless, it is still hard to be so hopeful and have things not work out the way you want. Once again, I recognize I know nothing and I trust that things work out as they should, regardless of what I personally want. It has very little to do with what I want, and I am sure it is better that way. However, I feel like I am most angry with myself and doubt even more that I have any capability to discern promptings and the Spirit. I left the situation feeling confused about what I needed to learn and what my role in the whole thing was supposed to be. I let my mind wander, dream, and envision what it would be like if it all worked out. Bad idea! Even though I understood and supported her and her decision, it still just hurt and I felt consumed with disappointment. My parents were so busy all week and I wasn't able to talk to my mom about it at all. That is hard, but I have some good friends that are willing to let me cry on their shoulder when needed. Each day that passes things get better, and like I said, I feel fortunate I have been in a place where I am working on keeping a positive attitude, remembering all the things that I do have, and the many blessings I enjoy.

"Hope on, Journey on!"

 

Paige laid out her blanket the other morning and declared we were to have a picnic. She's just sweet.

 

 

She loves to help me make dinner even though it makes me a nervous wreck to have her near the stove. I usually don't let her help me at this stage, but she was so insistent and I was beyond attentive. She took a quick stir and was content to let me take over.

 

The gym emailed me this cute shot from the Halloween party a few weeks back. I sure love this little girl! Glad she is insistent we are "best friends forever."

 

 

On Thursday, Beth and I took the kids on an adventure. We were first timers but had a marvelous time! Her little boys are so fun to be around, and these three play so well together. Paige loves to follow them around and copy their every move. She did whip out a few unforgettable dance performances that I was fortunate to catch on film, all on her own. Mamma bear came out a time or two as some of the other little kids decided Paige and Beth needed to participate in dodge ball. Nothing like having a strange kid chuck balls at your 2 year old's face. I probably could have handled it with a bit more patience.

 

 

On Saturday, we took Tucker out to the trainer's for the winter. He needs a bit of a tune-up and I hope to have some lessons on him this winter. I really want to improve my riding! Tucker is such a sweet boy, especially in the arena. Paige insisted on using her reins, which are saddle strings, instead of holding the actual reins. That sure makes the process more difficult, but Tucker was pretty good about it and just followed me as I walked out in front. When we put Tucker in his stall, Paige burst into tears. I don't know if it is because she thought he was imprisoned or because he wasn't coming back home with us. She was fairly inconsolable!

 

 

Funny things Paige has said lately:

 

 

When she picks out her underwear each day: Nope, not those ones. I will pee in those and make a sad choice. Yes, these ones, I will keep them clean.

 

 

After wiping up a mess on the floor: Good as new Mom!

 

 

Telling her to eat her dinner so she won't be hungry she says: I don't want to be hungry, I just want to be Paige.

 

 

Scolding the cat: Boots, don't be naughty, don't come in the house and make a sad choice.

 

Scolding me at the trampoline park: Don't throw things at your friends (I was playing with Beth's son Parker. She may have been confused after the whole strange kid nailing unsuspecting people in the face ordeal)

Don't jump like that Mom, you will hurt your head.

 

I need to watch Buzz. Buzz Lightyear (not to be confused with other Buzz's).

 

Your car smells like poop Mom. (it kind of did for awhile--unknown origin)



 

 

 



 

Change

Earlier this year, it felt that everyone and everything around me was going through a change of sorts, and I was stagnant. I HATED it. Some people really like to coast, and I probably should too, but I am not good at it. I get anxious and crave change. I don't know what's wrong with me. If no outside forces are causing anxiety, I can conjure up some good worries all on my own. I fretted about my perceived road blocks and wished for something, anything to happen. Then a whole lot of rollercoaster rides happened, none of which resulted in anything but a good ride and I kind of wanted off! I realized that living the good life wasn't too bad and it really was possible to just be happy. Once again, I credit it to good people in my life. As my birthday neared, I was pretty darn depressed that where I thought I'd be at 30 is not where I am at all. I thought I'd have things figured out at this point. When you're 15, 30 seems plenty old to have yourself together! I do not think for one bit I have this life thing figured out. I still don't know how to dress, or how to wear make-up. I still have juvenile thoughts and tendencies. I honestly just feel slower, older, have welcomed some unflattering additions like wrinkles, sun damage (self-induced but no melanoma----yet, that's my current favorite worry btw) and unwanted hair in unwanted places (too much information you say?!).  However, I am learning that some things are just flat out of my control and I will always want something different until I learn to just accept things and choose to be happy. It's a new thing for me and I am not an expert yet. I could feel a sense of despair setting in today about something I wish and want so badly, but it is out of my hands and no sense letting the want ruin the now! So, while nothing in my life has changed much this year, I have noticed a few small differences. Mostly in myself. I'm trying and that's an ok place to be.

 

This little bug is constantly changing. Doesn't she just look so grown up? She is getting big and smart and just blossoming into her own little person. We got our flu shots and she handled it like a champ! Mine hurt like a bugger and I had a sore arm for a few days. What gives?!

 

 

Paige gave me the sticker she got for being so brave at the doctor. She placed it there herself and said my "owie" was all better. It did make me feel pretty good and I'm sure drew even more attention  to the club. I go in tomorrow and hope to say goodbye to this thing and learn the game plan for the next 3 months.

 

 

Mark and Paige gave me this beautiful picture for my birthday. I've wanted it for years but couldn't bring myself to purchase it. I love it, and it looks great in our living room. And of course what's a day without some tea from a pink cup?

 

 

And just to make Monday a bit more bearable, we met up with Beth and her cute boys for some playtime. I'm thinking an arranged marriage might be in Paige's future, and Beth has two good options! Paige had a great time sitting there with Parker until we actually put a token in the ride. At that point she was done.

 

 

 

Blessed

Despite the lack of an opposable thumb, this week has been beyond amazing and I have had an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the people in my life. There have been times in the past where I have felt so alone, down-trodden, and down right miserable. I am trying to understand why I felt so isolated in those moments, because I am surrounded by good people! I must have had blinders on. Watching my parents leave on their mission was a challenge, and I miss them, but my Heavenly Father has blessed me in their absence with wonderful friends. Your mom has to love you, friends choose to!

I went to bed thinking how amazing and mindful people can be. I hope I can follow their lead and look outside myself more. Let me share a few examples of what I'm talking about:

First, my sweet husband has been so good to make beds, wash dishes, and bathe the baby. These aren't normal tasks for him, and he has really stepped up to the plate. His sweet mom watched Paige on surgery day and took us all out to dinner last night for my birthday. She's a doll!

Second, we have had more meals and treats than we know what to do with. Sunday was a night of good friends and food. It was fun to get together with two families in our ward and enjoy each other's company. Lots of laughs-- the best medicine for sure.

Third, a good friend brought my favorite salad for dinner, and personalized dishes for my significant others on Monday. She is so service oriented and is always so mindful of me and my needs! I also had a wonderful neighbor bring enough potatoes over to serve as a side for all our dinner meals this week.

Fourth, another good friend invited Paige and I over for lunch on Tuesday. We had such a fun visit and our kids played so well together. She didn't laugh at my irrational worries, and listened as I poured out some embarrassing challenges and weaknesses, all without passing judgment. Her children are so sweet. I feel like they were my substitute kids during those infertile years and they just melt me. They are growing so fast, but still let me give them hugs. They are great kids!

Fifth, a friend from high school and I have recently become reacquainted. I feel like we missed some valuable years I can never get back. She just might be my other half, my MUCH better other half. I want to be just like her when I grow up. She brought  Paige and I lunch and then proceeded to wash my hair, put gel in it, and blow it dry. This brings tears to my eyes. Such a silly thing, but while I can manage those things, it isn't easy and only half my hair ever gets clean. Applying gel with one hand evenly throughout your hair is impossible in case you were wondering. Anyway, it kind of surprised me when she offered, like she really thought about what might be a huge deal when you have one usable limb. She didn't even put gloves on as she washed my disgusting mop of a head. It was so kind and thoughtful, and to be able to go to a restaurant looking halfway decent was a treat. She has unflappable optimism and the best sense of humor.

Sixth, one of my most favorite people ever stopped by today for a visit bearing treats and gifts. We had such a wonderful visit. She is my hero! We used to work together and she inspires me live life to the fullest, to find your passion and live it. She is 60+ years old, retired, and literally runs the Grand Canyon. She's a blessing in my life!

Last but not least, I've had a few calls from my long distance bestie/personal nurse. She's my rock and knows me better than I know myself. I've also had a few surprise calls from longtime family friends. I'm overwhelmed by their thoughtfulness. It is humbling to know people are mindful of your circumstances. Heavenly Father blesses us through other people. It's true.  I've got some stepping up to do. I can definitely look outside myself and serve other people more. I hope I am as good as friend to these people as they are to me. I'm so very blessed.

Spooky

 

This post is dedicated to all things scary. Honestly, Halloween is my least favorite time of year, but there seems to be a whole lot of spookiness circling around this year so I might as well document it all. What's this you say? This adorable blue-eyed blonde isn't spooky? Her love for make-up and the over the shoulder, model serious pose at 2 freaks Mark and I out just a bit!

 

 

The amount of "tea" we have been drinking lately is somewhat scary and the king of the jungle is always invited. So is Olivia the Pig, but she is a miniature sized doll and is awfully hard to work with.

What scares us most are the times we can't find "Yivia and Yion" and it's time for sleep. Not gonna happen without them!

 

 

I literally couldn't remember the last time I had carved a pumpkin before this year. We had Mark's parents over for FHE and we had a really fun time. We were pretty amateur and I only bought one carving set, most of the time we used kitchen knives and I was fairly certain the ER was in our future. We came out unscathed with three scary jack-o-lanterns that Paige has enjoyed lighting each night.

 

 

Paige attended her first real party, and was awfully scared. I don't normally classify her as a shy child, but she really hates being the center of attention or "big to-do's". Needless to say she didn't enjoy the party as much as I hoped she would. She clutched her bag that housed "Yivia" and kept to herself.

 

 

Striking a dainty pose in a pig costume. Spooky. The bump on her forehead that refuses to go away is scaring her mom a bit as well!

 

 

The amount of adorableness in this picture is truly frightening!

 

 

She accessorized this picture herself. The size of the diva in that tiny little frame is a bit terrifying. That's a whole lot of personality to love! But I can't help it, I fall for it time and time again.

 

 

I'm a little scared this is the last game I'll be playing in for the year. This picture wound up on the front page of the paper which was a little surprising, but kind of fun too. Nice to have proof that I actually do play, just not very well! It was a good article about the popularity of indoor soccer in the area and the need for bigger facilities--very true!

 

 

I am three days post-op now and the road to recovery is a bit daunting. The pain has been much less than anticipated, and doesn't come close to what I experienced earlier this summer with the break. The size of the bandaging has been a bit of a challenge, however. It comes off in another week, but with three pins in my wrist, I fear I maybe in a cast of sorts for the long haul. I was incoherent for most of the hospital stay and Mark didn't take detailed notes. I'm not entirely sure what happened or what the game plan is. I hope to have those questions answered on the 12th. Mark has been so helpful and I've been able to rest. I curse the time change and the fact Paige is waking up an hour earlier. We are on our own today, and I know by the afternoon I will be looking forward to a nap. I hope she is too! The spookiest event ever looms on the horizon, the dreaded 30th birthday. Ewwwww. Why?! How?! Sigh. I am not prepared for this!