Three

Three years ago, I became a blubbering crier during the Christmas season. Paige obviously changed our entire lives, but she also completely changed the way I felt about Christmas and specifically, the Nativity. Between her birthday and Christmas, I cry for a good two weeks straight. Cards, songs, sentimental commercials, kind words.....just about anything can bring me to tears. I have so many emotions. Three years ago, I witnessed the happiest sad.

As Liv's due date drew near, I was a nervous wreck. I was worried if placement would happen, how placement would happen, and I felt so much heartache for a moment I knew would be very, very hard(which I underestimated). Since we had been in contact with Liv for so many months, we had the chance to really build a bond. I love that girl ya'll! Initially, she wasn't so sure she wanted an open adoption, and while I respected that, I knew I would really miss her. She had become such an important part of my life and a best friend. Mark and I will never forget the moment we saw Paige for the first time, but what  sticks with me the most is placement day, and not in the ways you might expect. I honestly don't know if I can place that situation into words. Unless you've been there, it is difficult to understand. The excitement I felt was numbed by the most selfless, loving and hardest thing I've ever witnessed. It is the most loving sacrifice I have seen first hand. That event deepened my understanding of the Savior and my Heavenly Father and their sacrifice for us more than any other event in my life. Paige's birthday takes me back to the most emotionally charged days of my life. Within a matter of months we took cancer and adoption head on. I honestly don't know how I was sane at all! Perhaps my sanity is debatable.  Fortunately for me, Liv is still a part of our lives and my best friend decided to leave that door open. Just a second miracle that Christmas.

That Christmas, things just changed for me, and the people and events surrounding the Savior's birth meant so much more. I saw parallels between my personal miracle and THE Christmas miracle. A loving mother, a joyous birth, an "adoptive" father, sacrifice, glimpses into heaven, LOVE. I felt these things stronger and deeper than ever before. Christmas really is about the gift of a child. My heart is often turned to Mary. How incredible she must have been to be chosen to be His mother. All the different emotions and thoughts she must have had. Her inevitable heartache as she watched her Son make a sacrifice for all, the sacrifice she made as His mother watching him die for the rest of us. The amount of responsibility and fear that comes with being a new mom is hard anyway, but add knowing you were to mother the Savior must have been a bit daunting and humbling. The shepherds, watching the heavens open and celebrating the joy of his birth, making haste to see a babe lying in a manger. I wish I could have been a shepherd. Joseph and his love for Mary and her baby. I can't imagine his load was light, but he took it head on, understood his place, and did his best. A baby. A perfect, beautiful baby. The King of Kings came to Earth as a baby in the lowliest of circumstances. Believers who searched and sought for signs. A star that would witness His birth and saved the righteous from those who doubted the words of the prophets and sought to kill them unless the sign prophesied about appeared. What a wonderful joyous time.

I serve in Primary and love singing time all the more come Christmas time. Best. Songs. Ever. I cry weekly. All the kids love to sing them and Primary just feels different during the month of December. Today I was my usual emotional self when the Nursery decided to bring the kids that will be Sunbeams in for a test run. My goodness. Paige walked in and I was just a mess. I was given a tissue. How is she getting so big? Where did my baby go? Sacrament meeting rolled around and I wanted to cry for different reasons, but at that moment she just seemed like this little angel that in no way can be old enough to officially be in Primary, give talks, sing songs, and have a part in the Primary program. Sigh. I hope I've treasured my time with her enough. The last few weeks have been such a challenge with her. I often go to bed feeling so guilty, and honestly like a big old failure. Is it possible she has a split personality? Challenges of motherhood I guess.

Paige's actual birthday was fun. I missed my parents, but we were able to celebrate with all of Mark's family at the Christmas party the day before, and had friends over for cake on her actual birthday. She got plenty of love and attention. I tried to make her birthday extra fun and special this year since she was old enough to be excited about it.

I woke her up since it was Sunday and she gave me this look and then....

Rolled over and went back to sleep. Is she 3 or 15 people?!

I taped up this crepe paper on the bathroom door for her to bust through with joy, an idea I saw on Pinterest. Notice Paige's finger as she mulls over what she should do. She eventually crawled under it all. I had to convince her to run through it with me.

Since we were few on numbers, I grabbed some of her babies and put hats on them. This was actually a hit and she kept telling me her friends were there with hats on. They are very good friends. Quiet, no mess. Great party guests.

Since I am not exceptionally talented with two hands, I knew I would be an epic fail with one, so Mark picked out this great ice cream cake from DQ and Paige was beyond thrilled about her pink Rapunzel cake.

Paige's actual living friends came by for the party and they were infinitely better than her stuffed ones. We love Kallie, Cole, Hagen, and little Hayes. I got to snuggle that little newborn which was a gift for me:) Paige LOVES Hagen and was so happy he could come. Mandi's kids are adorable and spent all afternoon making Paige cards, coupon books with "inspirashun" dates, and presents. We got a kick out of them all, but the one below from Cole was especially awesome.

Haha! If you can't read that, it says: Paige you are a good kid you might get a brother or sister.

Awesome.

Paige's birth family sent her this cute card and a super fun outfit. Paige loves that her shirt has a "cake" on it and gets really excited about wearing it.

Paige always wants to ride in those bulky car carts that I can't maneuver in any way. I just needed to get a few things and the small cart didn't  have room for her to sit inside. I hoped by letting her walk it would lessen the disappointment of not getting the car cart. She instead found her own way to ride and was quite thrilled with herself.

Paige took this picture all on her own...her first selfie. She's just cute.