Saturday morning came fast, my alarm went off at 4:30 and we headed down to the airport. I hoped I had everything I needed. We carried this infant carseat with us for the first time in years and it just felt weird. The people at the airport were pretty curious about it and when we told them where we were headed they were SO excited for us and it was nice to just feel excitement for a moment, I let myself just feel happiness for a moment. It didn't last too long, Mark fell asleep on the plane and I began to panic. I needed to find a gift for the birth family. What would I say, how would things go? Not to mention before the end of the day I would be holding a baby. Josh needed our home study and kept sending me documents they needed back. And what would I do for these people who were going to hand me a baby?! I didn't even know their names. SO MUCH.
When we got to Salt Lake City, I had a message on my phone from Liz, the birthmother coordinator. She would be traveling with us on behalf of the agency. She was on a different flight that was going to get to San Francisco about an hour before us. As we walked to get breakfast and meet Liz, we passed a little gift shop that had a bunch of stuffed animals. I found an adorable little elephant and bought two. I would give one to the birth family and keep one for the baby. Elephants never forget! I wanted them to know we would never forget either. We would also use it as a size reference for future pictures. I was relieved to have at least something on such short notice to give to the family, even if it felt so last minute and SO small. We met with Liz and she gave us a rundown of what to expect and since she wasn't too sure, it was a pretty short meet and greet. Since she was landing first and meeting with them right away, she would play things out and see how the birth family wanted to proceed and where they would want to meet. My mom texted me that they were praying for us. I called her and let her know I was a bundle of nerves. I immediately broke down and told her all the fears I was feeling. Were we doing the right thing? Would Paige be ok? She assured me to move ahead in faith. I sent a text to Paige's birth family, letting them know what was going on. They were floored to say the least! Paige's birthmom is so special to me. I also let loose on her, sharing with her some of my fears and reservations. She is so wonderful and gave me wonderful advice and support. Her and her mom both gave me the assurance I needed to know that we could do this, we should do this, and they wanted nothing more than for Paige to have siblings. Liv reminded me how important her little sister is to her and how special my siblings are to me, and Paige would feel just the same! With tears close to the surface, it was time to board our last plane to the Bay Area.
Before we knew it, we were landing and we were one step closer to our lives changing. I thought for sure we would have a moment or two to figure things out, prepare ourselves, get something to wrap the elephants in, and get a card. I had a message waiting for me from Liz as we landed and found out that we had about 30 minutes to make it to a little coffee shop near the birth families' apartment. Yikes! I also had an email from our social worker with our home study update. I immediately sent that on to Josh and we raced to get our luggage and get to the rental car office. While Mark was arranging for our car while I chatted with Josh. Between he and Liz, we were being kept in the loop pretty well. There was just a lot to do. And I was starting to get nervous. What would they be like? Josh and Liz both informed us that Kim, the birthmom was a rockstar as usual and doing really well, the birthfather was struggling a bit. Liz let us know that the meeting with them went well, but he was definitely standoffish and just struggling. That made me a bit more nervous. We got in the car and had about 20 minutes, we needed a Walmart! Mark found a Walgreens that we raced to and I have to tell you, it was in a scary place. Even thought it was like 11 AM on a Saturday, we were NOT in the right neighborhood and I wasn't about to get out of the car or let Mark. We found a Walmart that was only slightly better. There was security on the way in. I had never seen a Walmart that had nothing. No diapers, no formula. WHAT!? Also, no keepsake box or good stationary. I was striking out fast and running out of time. Liz finally texted us the address to the coffee shop and we needed to be there. I was a mess, I had nothing plus we were going to be late. I grabbed a gift bag, tissue paper, and I don't even know what I found for a card but it was something. I guess feeling so frantic helped keep the reality of the situation and some of those feelings at bay.
I got in the car and set out to write while Mark drove, so now the card looked like a child wrote it. I didn't know how to address the card. I knew Kim's name, but not Mitrail's yet. Once again, tears. I didn't know these people! We had built such an amazing relationship the first time around with Liv. I felt so much love and respect for these people that I didn't know. How could I share this with them and not scare them? Also, I knew Kim wasn't really wanting any openness so what if this was my only shot to share how I felt? And I had five minutes to figure it out and put it to paper. Talk about pressure. I was also trying to help Mark navigate. We got to the coffee shop first and I felt like it was a tender mercy. I was glad we weren't late and could just breathe for a moment. It was hardly a coffee shop, it was not much more than a drive up place like a SnoShack. It had a few plastic chairs to the side under a little awning and that was where our lives were going to change.
It wasn't long before Liz got there and kind of prepped us even more. Not long after that, and cute little family came walking up. It was awkward and uncomfortable at first. What do you say with strangers? They had two older children, a one year old daughter and a barely three year old son, and they were honestly the cutest kids ever. Kim was pushing the baby in a stroller and she was bundled up with a cute little hat on. It was hard to tell what she even looked like, but she was beautiful none the less. Liz had told us about the kids and how beautiful they all were. She said the baby was perfect and she was right. Kim was easy to talk to, she just has a calm, confident way about her. She was affable and kind. I think her spirit helped put us all at ease. She smiled and was just perfect. She was beautiful and had an easy style about her. You could just tell she was an amazing person and a wonderful mother. The kids were snacking on Flaming Cheetos and were just about the most well behaved kids. Maybe they were nervous too! It wasn't long before Kim handed me the baby. It felt so strange, I didn't know how to react at first and you honestly feel like you are intruding and holding someone else's baby. Was she really to be mine? I felt nervous, I hadn't held a newborn for a long time and felt like I needed to look like I knew what I was doing Her little hat kept falling off. Mitrail struck me the most. He sat down at the table with us and got emotional. He told us he never knew his dad and in his culture dad's weren't around much. He wasn't that way, he loved his children and was involved. He wanted an open adoption. He wanted to know her and he wanted her to know he loved her. He wanted to be our friend, the type that we could call in the middle of the night to tell him when she lost her first tooth. It touched my heart and broke it all at the same time. I knew his heart was breaking. Kim told us a bit why they were choosing adoption. We learned they were in the middle of a move. You could just tell things were hard. The coffee shop was closing and it just felt like the 30 minutes we had together were not enough. Fortunately things were going well and they asked if we would like to walk over to their apartment and continue our chat. I was thrilled!
We chatted as we walked over, Kim told me a bit about her pregnancy and labor. It sounded like things had gone really well for her. Mitrail told me how he got his name and how he had just met his brother a year or so earlier. Apparently he had signed up for school or something and the guy said someone with almost the same name had been in that day already. Turns out it was his half brother. I had to ask him how to spell it because after the story I was confused about what name was actually his and which name was his brother's. How embarrassing! You could almost see him getting friendlier and more comfortable. I think once he got what he had to say off his chest and to get assurance from us that we wanted nothing more than for Veronica (Maci) to know that her birth family loved her that he felt much better. He was pretty concerned about us and our car. He told Mark he needed to park it closer to the apartment and then he walked with Mark to get it. He also told us we definitely needed to steer clear of the Walgreens and the Walmart. If we needed stuff we needed to go to this Target that was a few blocks away.
For the next few hours we chatted in their living room of their small apartment. It was much more comfortable and I wanted to glean as much information as we could. They asked us a few questions about ourselves and told us about their families a bit. Mitrail wanted us to know all about Kim's ethnicity which I thought was cool. She is from Saipan and is Chomorro. We didn't know that, only that she was a Pacific Islander. Her parents live in Denver, her mom worked for the airlines, but a lot of her family was still in Saipan and they ran a bakery. They expressed their desire to return someday as a family. Kim told us a bit about her culture and the island in general and it was fascinating, I couldn't wait to learn more on my own. She came over as a teenager. She has a younger sister but wasn't close. Mitrail had just found out about his half brother, and he told us his mother was not aware of Veronica or the adoption. Kim hadn't even told Mitrail she was pregnant until she was seven months along. They both said that they wanted to make the decision for their little family without the outside influence of their families. Kim said her parents knew and supportive. They told us how they met, Kim worked at a rental car place and somehow Mitrail and his buddy ran into her there. Initially, Mitrail's buddy wanted to ask her out but sounds like Mitrail convinced Kim he was the better choice! Mitrail was set to start a new job on Monday, and they were hoping to move in the next week or so. Their lives were in a bit of chaos, but in the midst of all that, you could tell there was a lot of love in that home. I enjoyed being there with them and never had an uncomfortable feeling. Kim left to breastfeed the baby once or twice, but besides those moments, Mark and I were left to hold and love on her while we chatted. We shared with Liz now and then too. I held her most of the time, and one of my favorite moments was handing her to Mark for the first time. It was like instant love. Literally. I had never seen Mark that way.
Kim informed me that she had yet to bathe the baby because she felt like I would want the honor of giving her her first bath. I felt like that was so sweet of her. She also hadn't given the baby a pacifier because she wasn't sure how we felt about that or if we wanted her to have one. Kim was so mindful of the adoptive family, before she even picked one out! They both made sure we knew as much as we could about her delivery, what the doctor said and so forth. They named her Veronica after Kim's grandmother, and they wanted us to either use it or Kim's last name. We talked a little about names we were interested in but they wanted us to know she was our baby and the choice was ours, but they would like if we used those names somehow. I told the we would absolutely use Veronica. I didn't know what I wanted to do for her first name quite yet. Conversation was light and easy. Mitrail was a lot of fun and made us laugh. He told us about playing college and D league basketball. We talked about hair and hair regiment. He was already going grey and laughing about it. They told us they chose us because of our family and connections to extended family and Mitrail said we were the best looking. I told him we hoped we didn't disappoint in person. We told them to come visit and ride horses and Mitrail said he would stick with basketball. I wish I could remember every single detail about those few special hours. I loved seeing them with the two other kids. Mitrail put Mia right to sleep in a matter of moments. He told me how both kids loved Sid the Science Kid. All these little tidbits of information meant so much to me. I wanted to know as much as I could. Before long it was time to say goodbye. Mark and I hadn't eaten all day and I was beginning to feel it combined with a whole lot of emotions and little sleep.
We talked about me leaving to SoCal to be with Mom and Dad. They said they were totally fine with that but wanted to meet up again before we went. I was relieved, I told them I would feel much better knowing this wasn't goodbye goodbye. I asked them if they wanted to hold her again, Mitrail said no, he had his time and goodbyes the night before. Liz had enough foresight to snap a few photos and that is literally the only photos I have of Kim and Mitrail. I am so grateful she insisted on it! I gave them the gift and explained the elephants. MJ immediately took to the elephant and I was upset with myself for not buying more, one for Mia. I felt bad that the Kim essentially gave her gift to the kids and I felt like I left her with nothing. Kim held the baby for just a moment and really didn't show much emotion at all until I hugged her. You could tell she choked up a little as she hugged back and handed me the baby. And with that we said our goodbyes and it felt beyond strange to walk out of there with this sweet little baby. I won't lie, it felt like we were taking someone's baby away. I felt like I took her from a great family and I had some guilt. We had signed papers giving us medical consent in case of an emergency, and legally, we were only considered fancy babysitters. Kim and Mitrail could do nothing formal for at least ten days. There first meeting with an agency wouldn't be until Monday or Tuesday. There was a whole lot at risk, mostly are hearts.
I then had to put this sleeping, balled up baby in the car seat. I wish I had practiced before hand, it did not go smoothly and Liz got to witness it. We said goodbye to Liz and made a plan for paperwork and keeping in touch. Then, for the first time it was just the three of us. Right away, Mark said, "Her name is Maci." I wasn't ready to commit to a name, and a part of me didn't want to name her at all. I was too scared. I wanted to guard my heart a bit. We drove to a little parking lot at a park to get our bearings and to find the safe Target Mitrail told us about. In that moment I checked in on Paige and took my first pictures of the baby. I sent them to Mom and Dad right away. I sat in the backseat by her in awe. It just hardly felt real! We got to Target and I held her as we did some shopping for formula and diapers. The looks I got from people were priceless. I am sure we looked like kidnappers. Looks of confusion all around. Some old lady told me I looked fantastic for just giving birth and I kind of just stared back wondering how she thought I had given birth to this dark baby with a head full of dark hair. Mark was on the phone trying to get antibiotics because he had a sinus infection because why not add that into the mix. All the while I just stood holding and snuggling this beautiful, beautiful sweet baby. When we got back to the car she had messed her shorts and was screaming about it. Blowout number one! It was a great initiation moment and here I thought we had made a scene in the store. Changing a screaming newborn in the trunk of your car gets WAY more stares. Poop was everywhere and it was awesome.
Mark got us an awesome room at a Residence Inn. It was literally brand new. It had a living room, kitchen, huge bedroom and bathroom. It was like our own little apartment and it was perfect having a newborn. We immediately got to bottle making, which brought back memories of our first moments alone with Paige. At least this time I had kind of a clue as to what to do, but we had no idea if the little one would take it, she had been breastfeeding for a week! Kim was worried about the transition and even offered to pump for us, but we didn't want her to have to do that. Baby was a champ and took the bottle right away, what a relief that was! When we got ourselves situated, we Facetimed Paige and let her see the baby for the first time It was one of my favorite moments of the entire process. I was able to snap a picture of Paige's reaction and like they say, it literally said a thousand words. We gave the baby a much needed first bath in a very pretty, very contemporary sink and let me tell you, it was no easy task. I remember holding her and looking at her sweet little face and telling Mark, "I know the agency will rematch us if this doesn't work out, but I don't want them to. I want this baby. I love this baby." You could just feel her sweetness. She was special. I hardly got to hold her because Mark was intent on hogging her. I was SO scared I loved her so much and it was beyond scary. We were just at the beginning of a long journey and I knew that at any moment Kim and Mitrail could change their minds. All it would take was a phone call. It felt so heavy, but there were moments were I felt much peace and confidence. Kim had this baby for a week, breastfed this baby, but she was mindful the entire time about what she was doing and thinking of the future. She is amazing. There are no enough words to describe how incredible and strong she is---how much love she has for her family and her children.
Love at first sight. Mark holding her for the first time at their apartment. She literally just stared up at him the entire time.
She seemed SO tiny and that unwashed hat hair haha.
Bonding on our car ride to Target.
She liked binkies right away.
Taking her first bottle like a champ.
Both of us were feeling very tired. The plan was to get a bath first thing, but we decided to do this for awhile instead.
Getting ready for her first bath. She had so much beautiful hair.
Fresh out of the tub. Oh my goodness I loved how alert she was. Her big eyes just stole your heart. And I loved playing with her hair.
Showing her off to Paige. You guys. I had tears. Technology is amazing and I loved Paige's sweet reaction,
Paige was so happy! I was afraid to break her heart, but I am glad in hindsight we let Paige be a part start to finish. I would have regretted not having these moments.
Part 3 to come.....sorry this is turning into a book! This is mostly for me and making sure I have this all down, but maybe some of you are entertained as well.
