"Normal"

All in all, today felt pretty normal. Mark felt good and even put a few hours in at work. Oddly enough, that was harder on me than him. For the first time in a week, I was alone. I sat on the couch and thought, "Hmm, now what. Maybe I can watch a show that Mark hates." I couldn't relax, I was worried Mark would get to work and not feel well. Since I had purged the house on Monday, I didn't have much to do to keep my mind and hands busy (with that being said, I am not looking for something to do, especially if it is something bad, so know that it was ok to be bored for a minute, don't assign me anything:)). My mind slowly drifted down the path of feeling sorry for myself, so I livened the mood with various songs, including the theme from Schindler's List. Sitting in my melancholy mood, feeling slightly alone, and a little guilty that the person with cancer was being more productive, I thought of something my wise little brother wrote to me on Tuesday. He told me that his favorite part of the Gospel is the knowledge we never have to face anything alone, not ever. Even when we think we are, we are not. The Savior was the only person that ever had to face a trial truly alone, and he did it so we would never have to know how it felt. Pretty insightful for a kid I like to call Chubbs. I guess he has grown up on the mission even more than I thought. I hate admiting this considering we have been blessed by a tremendous outpouring, but once in a while, when things get quiet, fear has a way of creeping in. It doesn't last long.

On a happier note, I learned something today. First and foremost, another embarassing confession. My family will laugh because they already know this, but despite my "tomboy" exterior, I am a total drama queen. I guess it is one feminine quality that I have always embraced and will probably continue to do so. I have always loved a good romance, a chick flick, a great story. Since Valentine's was a wash, I am now reflecting on love on Ash Wednesday. Bet most of you didn't know it was Ash Wednesday. My grandpa told me it was, so it must be true. Anyway, back to the good part, the drama-- I always wanted a really exciting love life, movie worthy. If you know Mark, he is no Casanova, (sorry babe) but he has plenty of other endearing qualities. When we were trying to decide whether or not to get married, I struggled. I am not a decisive person and I hate to admit this, but I was slightly disappointed that nothing incredibly romantic happened. No songs, no dances, no fireworks, just a good guy. I was so afraid of the eternal commitment and my dad really helped me to realize what love is all about. He told me a million times that I needed to be more selfless. I needed to serve Mark. If I was feeling rotten, I needed to make sure I did some sort of service for Mark, even if it was small. Even after I was married, if I struggled with a marital problem, this was the answer I got. It wasn't always the answer I wanted to hear. This was not as fun as picturing Mark chasing after my car after I stormed out in a huff.

The longer we are married, the more I understand the work and effort it takes to build an eternal marriage. It doesn't just happen. Love's magic comes more often through choice than actual "magic." A lot like happiness. I have listened to my dad's advice and tried to put it to good use. It has come apparent to me in the last few days how much I love Mark. A lot of it has to do with the fact we care more about the well being of each other and are mindful of each other. We aren't the most lovey dovey people, especially in public, but we rarely fight and we always say that we love each other before we part or got to bed. Today, I was packing a lunch for Mark, it made me feel like my mom. She packs a lunch everyday for my dad, isn't that romantic? Anyway, I was making Mark a sandwich to take to work. He was getting some stuff together and he said, "I know you love me." I thought he said, "I love you" so I said "Love you too." He corrected me and said, "No, that isn't what I said. I said I know you love me." He took his lunch and left. I thought about that all day, and I realized that meant more to me then anything else he could have said or done. It was an interesting thing for him to say. I am grateful that Mark knows that I love him. I am grateful he knows that I will happily disinfect the house, remind him to double flush the toilet and sanitize his hands, and that I will happily take care of his throw-up bucket. I don't mind it at all because I love him, and he would do the same for me. Now, if that isn't romantic I don't know what is!