Riding the Waves

Sometimes I struggle knowing what to share on a public blog, even if my public is my small circle of family and a few friends who read consistently. Usually I find myself posting pictures and a day to day rundown of our lives. I hope to journal for myself, and share with my family and Paige's birth family what we're up to. Sometimes I turn to writing when I need a good vent or rant, painting a pretty ugly and depressing picture of myself and my attitude. I think sometimes I shy away from posting anything more than a travel log because I do fear how I may be received otherwise. However, maybe writing the ups and downs of my life will help someone in some way. Lately, much of my free time has been spent working on our adoption, and I very rarely share what is exactly going on. I probably will never be completely transparent when it comes to a behind the scene look into our adoption journey, but by showing a glimpse of it, hopefully I can shed some light on why adoption is difficult---and I have it easy by comparison!

Our first adoption fell into our laps. It was the last thing I expected to happen, and maybe that's why it did. It always felt right. Everything clicked right away, and even though it was nerve wracking at times, overall it was wonderful. I knew when we decided to adopt again, the chances of it happening as easily were slim. That's ok. One reason adoption is so beautiful is because each story is so unique, just like the children involved. No one adoption story is alike. Waiting patiently isn't one of my best qualities, and most adoption classes I attended encouraged being proactive and "networking" ourselves. Not a comfortable thing for me. While sending out business cards with our profile information, calling OBGYNs, and publicly advertising scares me, researching facilitators, consultants, agencies, and attorneys from the comfort of my home is something I can do.

Fun fact about adoption, EVERY state's laws are different. Completely different, in all facets. From the time birth parents can relinquish rights, if consents are revocable, when/where adoptions can be finalized, what can be considered birth parent expenses, how much can be paid in birth parent expenses, and the list goes on. Even the route you take to find your baby depends on the state. Some do not allow advertising, facilitators, or consultants, and don't ask me the difference between those last two groups, still trying to figure that one out. I am NO expert in any of these things and often have more questions than answers. But I am getting a good flair for states that are adoption friendly and states that are pretty scary. There is just so much to know and it is daunting. I can't tell you how many times I wish there was a standard across the board. Just to illustrate my point, a situation we had found earlier this summer and expressed interest in ended up not working out. We went as far as talking to the birth family and were cautiously excited. However, something didn't sit right with us, and for others this wouldn't have been an issue, but for us it was. We were crushed and decided we couldn't go forward with the match. Hindsight is 20/20 and we just found out this week that this adoption legally was not an option for us. Our state caps birth mother expenses at "x" amount, and as adoptive parents, we aren't allowed to pay over that and finalize in our state. The state where the baby was born had a cap as well, but a judge can decide if there are legitimate expenses and can raise the cap. Initially we were told we could finalize in the sending state and use their laws. The attorney involved told us this week that the situation we passed on had some crazy unforeseen legal issues and the couple had to finalize in their home state vs. the sending state. Since our state would not have let us finalize here because the expenses exceeded our state cap, we would have a baby we could not legally adopt. Can you imagine the legal mess we would have been in? Not to mention committing emotionally and financially to a baby that legally we could not have. Wow.

That is just one reason why adoption is crazy and heavy. I feel like I spend hours talking to adoption professionals and am weighing the pros and cons about how they handle their adoptions, their contracts, the finances, my financial risk among my ability to afford (I am learning that 30-40k is pretty much the norm) and it is beyond stressful. What I have found to be even MORE stressful is finally finding a situation we might be interested in and trying to decide if it is the right situation for us. I can say that in the last few months we have had quite a few situations we could have presented our profile to, and even a slim few where we had the final say as to whether or not we wanted to proceed with the match. Finding a situation stresses me, trying to decide if a particular situation is the right situation for Mark, Paige and I is far worse. I will try my best to illustrate why.

First, there is the initial excitement that there is a possible baby out there for us. I will see a posting about an expectant mother making an adoption plan. The amount of information we get varies. I have gotten as much as entire medical and social history to only knowing the gender and due date. I consider where this information is coming from and try my best to know if it is a legitimate situation with a reputable adoption professional or a big 'ole scam. Second, we begin analyzing the situation beginning with the expectant mother: her age, health, drug or alcohol use, other children, reasons for considering adoption, level of openness, (does she want letters, pictures, visits?) due date, what are her preferences for an adoptive family? Often, we don't fit her preferences. Third, birth father and legal risks. Is he involved? Will he sign? Fourth, state. Can we adopt from there? Can we finalize there? Fifth, cost, and sadly sometimes this is first. If it is a 40k plus adoption I don't even bother reading the fine print, we can't afford that! Along with the price, how much of our funds are at risk and when are they due? How much do we pay at match and how much will be due at placement? This is only a snippet of things to consider. Think of all the risks or questions you could possibly want answered, times it by ten, then figure you won't ever know the answers to most of them. Then decide if you at least know enough to want to take the leap of faith. I realize that nothing comes without risks, even your own biological pregnancy comes with risks and unknowns. BUT, you get to be there for the journey. You get to hear what the doctors are saying, what they are recommending. You have some control over how you are taking care of yourself, what you can do to minimize risks, what your own history is, whether you are consuming drugs, alcohol, or smoking, what tests the doctors are running, what they say, what the ultrasound shows, etc. I feel like I have to know enough to know if I can make the calculated risk. Not to mention I know nothing about being pregnant, what tests are done, what they should say, what they mean. I constantly feel like I am in the dark. I remember going to an ultrasound appointment with Paige's birth mother and feeling very stupid that I had no idea what was going on. Thankfully, she was sweet enough to coach me through it!

Once we get past the initial process and want to proceed, we ask to be presented to the expectant mother. A few weeks ago I felt very excited and at peace with a situation. Peace is not a usual feeling in this process for me so I truly felt like it was a good route. Mark was on board as well. I waited on pins and needles for a week and half for any word on the situation. Finally, the dreaded rejection email. The expectant mother had chosen another family. That is her choice and I respect that. It is her child and she needs to feel like she is placing it with the right family for her baby. However, it still hurts to know that you weren't the ones. You immediately ask why, wonder what she liked or didn't like about your profile, why weren't you a fit? I hope for the best. I know that she knows more than me, and Heavenly Father knows more than all, and it just wasn't right. Sometimes I like knowing it is out of my hands.  We have had situations where it is in our hands, and I find it worse at times. I feel judgmental as I fret about the situation and the information I have. Am I ok with the history given? Am I ok with the risks? Ahhh! It stresses me. Sometimes Mark and I feel at opposite ends of the spectrum. I will feel good about it and he feels entirely uncomfortable with it. That's always fun. The entire thing is an emotional rollercoaster, and the hardest part is knowing it is a no, and you have to turn down the situation--acknowledge that you are potentially turning down a baby. Guilt. I always have a lot of guilt that I am not willing to pay that much, or that I am not willing to accept those risks and health challenges. Lots of guilt. On a side note, sometimes it totally freaks me out that it may all work out and that I could have a baby in month. That's a whole new road of stresses!

My "favorite" moment in the journey so far came last week. We had been in contact with an attorney for a few months and he had sent out a few situations. He was never great at giving much information about any of them, there was always a lot of emotional and financial risk involved, and most of his matches were very far out and the expectant mothers were only a few weeks along. Though you have more preparation time, there is SO much at risk with that much time. He was very good about applying pressure and making sure we knew things needed to happen fast, meaning he would need money fast. I know he has facilitated a lot of adoptions, and a lot of people really like working with him. Most of the time I would get a mass text about a new opportunity--they would largely be ignored because they never fit our preferences. Some risks are just too big for us. One situation we agreed to, only to have the expectant mother never make contact with the attorney again. In the middle of all this, I found out that I needed surgery. Since we had had no promising leads for a month, we decided to go ahead with the surgery and get it out of the way before a promising situation arose. Solve it and move on with life right?! Sure enough, after weeks of silence, I got a text about a potential situation due two weeks after my surgery. I got a gender and a due date--NO other information. Mark and I just felt like it wasn't a solid situation and the timing was awful. I potentially would be casted and taking care of a newborn, alone, while Mark travels (year end is his busiest), among other things which confirmed this was not the right situation for us. What if she gave birth early? We couldn't see how we could spend the required two weeks in the sending state right now! I sent a message back politely declining the situation--which is always hard. It stinks to say no! I got an UGLY text back. I was accused of wasting time waiting for the "perfect" situation and not really, truly wanting to be a parent. Add to the list of fears the judgment that comes because you have declined a situation or because you ask too many questions you are now a hard to place family. You are 'high maintenance and unreasonable" and blacklisted. Needless to say we closed the door and so did the attorney.

I am sorry for the long post. I honestly just wanted to describe what the adoption journey can be like and why I am insane at times. From first hand experience, I believe that the right baby comes to the right home. I take every situation to my Heavenly Father and pray--- a lot!! I want it to be right for everyone involved. All the pieces have to fit, and I know they can and that they do when it's meant to be. Despite knowing that, sometimes it takes its toll on me. I question my sanity and my ability to discern between my emotions, promptings, and answers to prayers. How can I feel so good about something only to see it crash and burn? Why do so many "coincidences" happen only to have it come to a screeching halt? Do I read to much into it? Am I trying to force something? Was it really not a prompting just my excitement? Do I sit and wait for our baby to find us or do we actively search for our baby? Is faith waiting and trusting or actively pursuing? Why am I jealous of other's successes? Why do I get mixed emotions when I read about someone going to church and randomly finding an expectant mom due with twins a week later and having to expedite their home study so they are ready for the babies in two weeks and then they post this wonderful picture of their seamless journey. I always feel really bad about having those feelings--they are deserving, hopeful parents as well. Mark and I were just as lucky the first time around--I have no room to complain about tough journeys. We have had it easy compared to so many. I recently learned of a family who has had 10 failed matches and has lost 40k over three years and is still waiting. Ouch.

I hope that this post doesn't come across as a big, huge, complaint. That is not my intention. I am not at my wits end or without hope. I know this is just how adoption can be sometimes. It is just HARD. And I've only shared my viewpoint. I can't begin to imagine how hard adoption must be for the potential birth family. However, the end result is WONDERFUL! When you are finally holding that special baby you know is meant to be in your arms it is ALL worth it. Building a relationship with Paige's birth family has exceeded all my expectations and has been more than worth it. I have hope that it will happen again. For now I count my blessings, I have so many. One incredibly beautiful blessing in particular makes each day of mine worth living. I have really enjoyed my one on one time with Paige. This point in my life will never happen again. I am happy and hopeful about what the future might be.

Soaking in Life's Little Moments

Life has been busy lately...in a good way. I like having things to look forward to and things to keep my mind occupied. General Conference was fabulous, and so was the weather for the first time in what seemed like forever. Mark left Sunday for business, and Paige and I enjoyed the most beautiful fall walk. The sun was warm, the colors were perfect, and it was a peaceful time to reflect on all my favorite talks. It felt like one of those rare moments where you just soaked up living in the now. I was a little sad Mark and my parents weren't there to enjoy it with me, but I had some pretty good company.

 

The dog, the baby, the cat. This trio is my usual posse. Does this make anyone else laugh? And does anyone else feel like it got cold FAST!? I swear one week I had my AC on, and the next the heater. There was no slow temperature decline, fall came fast and abruptly.

 

 

One last attempt to capture the moment. It was just gorgeous and it felt like Paige and I had our own private forest. Roxy about ruined the magic when she found a ginormous porcupine at the end of our rendezvous. Fortunately for her, and for us, the porcupine huddled in the fetal position and ignored us all.

 

 

When I see this picture, all I can think of is Olivia! This little girl of mine isn't afraid of a little dirt, and she loves to play ball, but deep in that little soul is a diva. She has some serious girly-girl tendencies, which I can assure you do NOT come from me. She looks so much like her beautiful birth mom and she definitely loves to primp. I wish you could see all the blush she applied so carefully, but in ridiculously large amounts. Less is more Paige! I think Olivia needs to give us both a makeup tutorial.

 

 

Paige was particularly proud of this outfit she helped pick out. She loved that skirt and kept telling me how pretty she was. Seriously, for those of you who know me at all....how?! Nature vs nurture right there. Sometimes you are just born to love tulle and play ball at Kids World in your Mary Jane's. I feel like if she can successfully kick in those babies, she is gonna be a whiz with the cleats.

 

 

I can't adequately express how much I LOVE this picture. Love, love, love. Here is a glimpse of where my beautiful, sweet, girly-girl comes from. Paige has one heck of a gene pool folks. These two ladies mean SO much to me. I love that I get to lay claim on them. And seriously....could they be more beautiful?! Not fair. Melissa is on the left and Olivia is on the right. I am hoping Melissa shares her youthful secrets with me. She looks like she is her daughter's twin, not the mom! Their beauty isn't just skin deep either. They are angels. Their souls are just full of goodness. I think it radiates in this picture. Oh they just make me happy. I miss them. I hope we can get together soon. Paige is one lucky girl to have so many people in her life who love her so much. She has some pretty amazing role models to look up to and who will help her at the drop of a hat. We are so blessed to have an open adoption---it's a wonderful thing!

 

 

From the moment I found out my parents would be selling their house and moving, I was pretty bummed. My family officially would be spread out all over the country. It was hard enough knowing Paige wouldn't really know any of her cousins on my side, but now she would no longer enjoy the ridiculously close relationship she had with her grandparents. Fortunately, Mark's family is close and she wouldn't be a complete stranger to extended family, but it bothered me that my family would be somewhat of a mystery. I came across a company that sounded like a good fit for my brother and I sent it his way, mostly as a joke and maybe a subtle hint. To my surprise, he was interested and it snowballed from there. This past weekend they made the short drive over from their new home to spend some time with us. It was GREAT!  It feels good to know this is a doable thing and we can get our families together a lot more. Paige played so well with her cousin Caden. Caden loved being in charge, and Paige loved copying him in every way. The weather was pretty wet and rainy, but we had a few hours on Saturday that we could get outside. First on the list.....Spud Harvest. Courtney and Caden wanted the grand tour, and Mark was more than happy to oblige. After being out of town for business, Mark came home and took a few days off, only to volunteer to drive crossover in Harvest. It's his favorite thing to do. He and I view vacation a bit different!

 

 

I will say it is pretty fascinating to see how the potatoes get from the field to the warehouse to the restaurant. Paige and Caden were fairly impressed with the big tractors. When the dirt started to fly, Paige said, "Oh it's so pretty!" Mark was so proud.

 

 

We came home and took Caden on a 4-wheeler ride and his first horse ride. He was pretty nervous about the horse, but Paige showed him how it was done! The 4-wheeler is always a hit and both those crazy kids begged to go faster. Don't worry, we didn't!

 

 

Our s'mores party was rained out Sunday, and Caden was pretty bummed. Monday was freezing cold and it rained off and on, but finally cleared up enough for us to squeeze in one more activity before they had to go home. Here is a perfect picture of the weekend. Paige just happy to follow the big kid!

 

 

Sweet little Bennett busting into the goods. I hardly know these two little boys. I am grateful I get to see them more. They are good kids and they were pretty fun to have around. It seems awfully quiet around here with them gone!

 

 

Getting that fire started in damp conditions was quite the feat. Mark had to work Monday, but I thought to myself, "How hard can a campfire be?" Sam is an Eagle Scout after all. His skills must be a bit rusty. The three of us are also not too good at directions and took the packaging off the fire-starter log only to read the instructions that specifically said NOT to rip the wrapper in anyway. At that point, it took some creativity and ingenuity to get a fire going. It roasted marshmallows fine, but the little thing didn't produce any much needed heat.

 

 

That is a fairly good summary of the last two weeks. My oldest brother Max and his wife Kirsten welcomed their fourth little boy this week, four and a half weeks early. I got the text they would be having an emergency C-section while sitting around the campfire Monday. Everyone seems to be doing fine and the new little man is certainly as beautiful as his brothers. Max and Kirsten have the cutest babies! I am the only daughter, and Paige continues to be the only granddaughter. We have an estrogen shortage around these parts! I went to another orthodontist yesterday for a second opinion. He used the word "enigma" when referring to my teeth. Hmmm. Not looking good folks! I am trying to decide what to do. I am struggling wanting to pay thousands of dollars right now on my teeth, not to mention diving into the braces nightmare for the third time. GRRRRR. To top things off, the wrist specialist recommended surgery. My body is anticipating my 30th birthday and has chosen to fall apart prematurely. I'm having surgery November 1st. I honestly hope I am making the right decision. It doesn't bother me that much and is definitely livable and tolerable. The doctor seemed to think it was best to fix what he can while I am "young" and prevent future problems. I suppose there is wisdom in fixing something while it's easy rather than waiting for it to get worse, causing other issues, and making surgery more difficult. Right?!? He has a laundry list of things he is looking for, he believes there are more tears than the one the MRI showed, but I don't think so. I fear he will get in there and see how minimal the damage in there is and I will be scoffed at for doing surgery. Let the record show that in my defense, I told him it wasn't causing me much pain! 

 

Funny things Paige has said lately:

 

1. Mom we are best friends forever. (as she put her arm around my shoulder as we ate lunch)

 

2. Mom we are on an adventure in Gabba Land! (on our walk in the river bottoms)

 

3. Great, my friends are here! (as my friend Michelle pulls up in her suburban)

 

4. Mom I need pink "yips"  so I can be pretty (every time we go out)

 

5. "Paige it's your turn to pray" "No, I said it last night." (it's a lie, and she says this every time we ask)

 

6. Mom, I didn't pee, but it was a good try! (each time we sit on the potty with no results)

 

7. Can we _________ all together? (Fill in flush, play basketball, pray, eat, anything that can be done all together)

 

8. Hmm (as she taps her finger to her lips) I don't think I want dinner. But maybe noodles.

 

9. Oh can we see Sherman? He is so nice. He is my best friend. He must be on a mission. (After Mark asked if she wanted to go outside to get the horses. Sherman is our horse trainer and Paige loves him. And apparently people she really loves that she doesn't get to see are on missions. ie Boppa and Mamma---Sherman is not. But he laughed when we told him)

 

10. My tummy hurts. I need a burger. (I think she tells me it hurts when she is hungry. Which should be all the time since she doesn't eat.)

 

11. Mom, you need to get this in that hole. (teaching me to play actual basketball at the park)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Falling

 

Today we are hunkering down after a long night. Paige threw up some peaches in the night and so it begins. She seems to be better after a sleepless night, but we shall see if see if food stays down. No fun having a sick baby. Because of Mark's weakened immune system, he and I usually get flu shots. Do kids get flu shots? What are your thoughts on the subject? It's always hard to know how to keep everyone healthy. We are a medically challenged family!

 

What a difference a week makes. I tentatively proclaim Paige potty trained! She has done really, really well and we haven't had an accident in days. I am kind of hoping the tummy issues don't set us back. Things could get interesting. On Sunday, I took her out during church for a break. Paige is a creature of habit and I haven't had much success outside the house because it's different. She usually just holds it until we get home. Once we got into the bathroom, a friend of mine walked in behind us and in the stall next door. Paige was pretty excited when she overheard a successful trip. She cheered my friend on and then proceeded to follow her example. It worked out pretty well though I was mortified about Paige's commentary. She even bent over and looked under the stall and asked if my friend needed help. She then offered my services.

 

I got my MRI done and got the results, I do have a tear of some sort and I am supposed to go see a wrist specialist next week. I am not too sure I want to do anything with it at this point. It is fine for the most part, and I kind of know what it can and can't do, and I can avoid doing things that make it hurt. Seems like a recipe for success. I think I will probably go down just to make sure I am not going to make things worse in the long haul, but I think it is something that I can and will live with.

 

Paige decided to take the change of seasons literally and had a pretty nasty fall last week. The weather has been atrocious which means we have spent all our time indoors. This leads to a rambunctious baby who wants to play wild and crazy inside. Her new love is "basketball' which is a game she has made up herself with her ball. It has provided hours of entertainment, and she especially loves to "play all together." On this particular round of basketball, she tripped forward, into the wall, and cracked her head on the plug-in carbon monoxide detector. I can't decide if she was lucky it wasn't the window sill or the wall, but the darn thing didn't give much and won the battle. She swelled instantly, and Mark took the opportunity to snap a picture. Poor thing! After some consoling she was ready for more basketball so I figured she would survive. Now the bump seems to have gone down a little bit, but the bruising has drained and she has two black eyes. Very pretty.

 

Paige got to have her fingernails painted like a big girl for going in the big girl potty. She was very excited about it. This is the day after her fall, little bruising and a big ole bump.

 

 

We always have our fair share of animal tragedy and I was pretty certain we were setting ourselves up for yet another one. Boots went missing all last week. She was gone for like 6 days. Paige asked about her everyday and I finally just told her Boots went home to find her mom. It made perfect sense to Paige and I was feeling pretty good about my lie, and wouldn't ya know it.....the cat came home later that night. Even though the cat is pretty annoying, Paige loves it and it has a very unique personality, so I was glad to have her back.

 

 

Hard to see in this crappy picture, but this is how I caught Paige sleeping the other day. Both her feet are up on the rails. I have been wanting to move Paige into her big girl room, but I haven't found her a bed I like and honestly, she moves around WAY to much to be trusted in a normal bed. After seeing her thrash around, I am confident I have a bit more time to figure out her big girl room décor.

 

 

The leaves are just beginning to change down in the river bottoms behind my house. We went for a ride last night for the first time in two weeks. The weather really hasn't been good. There were multiple trees down thanks to our wind storm Monday. However, last night was perfect for a ride, and though I miss summer and hate the cold, we weren't eaten alive by bugs. Tucker was a stinker. The last two times we have ridden he has had a mind of his own. He only seems to give me grief and behaves for Mark. I think he knows he can buffalo me. Last night I handled it a bit better and even though things started rough, we ended up having a pretty fun ride. I felt like I held my own and at least attempted to be the boss. We have some work to do, and he seriously needs a butt kicking! Paige had such a great time and she holds Mark's saddle strings and calls them her reins. She is quite the vocal rider and likes to tell me what I am doing wrong. "You have to be nice and easy, Mom!" Yes I know that Paige, tell Tucker!

 

 

 

 

 

Training

Let me be clear and state that I normally do not compare my child with the pet dog, but in this case I have thought about it quite a bit. Potty training has been a dream of mine since the beginning of summer, but Paige never really showed much interest, and I didn't want to push it. Plus, it seemed just easier to change the diaper. Paige will be in Sunbeams come January, and I also have her on a preschool waiting list. Both of these things require her to be outta diapers. I thought about waiting a bit longer, but I wanted to give myself a bit of a cushion. She seemed to be a bit more ready as she had been announcing to me, strangers, and even President and Sister Clark at the airport that she was peeing and wanted me to look. After a pep talk from some other mothers, I decided to take the big plunge. I am sorry you have to read about this, but literally this has consumed my life for two weeks.

Roxy, our golden retriever is the sweetest dog ever, but no genius. However, she was potty trained in one day. She literally had one accident in our first house and felt so bad about it and feared me so much that it never happened again. Roxy has a very submissive personality. She is now no longer allowed in the house, but I can leave her in the garage for long periods of time and know she will cross paws if she must. Paige can't stand a mess. She cleans crumbs at our house, at restaurants, wherever they might be. She will not finish eating if she feels her hands are too messy. I thought this aversion to messes would make potty training a cinch. Apparently she can't stand a smidge of peanut butter on her fingers, but doesn't mind filling her shoes with pee. Paige is so stubborn and doesn't have a healthy respect or fear of me....AT ALL. She is fairly certain she is the boss, and sometimes I am fairly certain she is too! After the first two days I was ready to throw in the towel. I wasn't able to leave the house, she didn't care about her chart, or stickers, or treats, or threats, or bribes, or cool new big girl panties she picked out herself, or anything. Finally on day three I let her set the "potty timer" on my phone, which I guess is more exciting than any of these other things. Day three and four were seriously successful, especially compared to where we had been. I was a little floored to be honest with you. Of course the stickers and treats have been an important part of the process. I fear her teeth will not survive potty training.

Saturday we went for a horse ride, and I put her in a pull-up because, well riding buddy I wasn't thrilled with the thought of an accident. Sunday was church and she couldn't be trusted to go to nursery without a pull-up. That seemed to have set us back. The last two days we have had a bit of a regression. Hoping we get back on track. But this begs the question, why was the dog so easy?! Paige's brain is far superior and she is one smart cookie. Why is this so hard? And really I still don't know if I see the day when she can be trusted to 1. Tell me she needs to go and 2. Go out to any public place without a pull-up. Sigh. The road seems long! But we have come a LONG way. Before last week, we had 6 stickers on this chart. We have reached the end and started a new line that already has a few stickers on it. She is doing pretty good!

 

Other than spending all my time in a bathroom, or watching her like a hawk, I did participate in a stake activity. It was a marathon course but done as a team relay. I have not been running. I do other cardio, but my body has hated running lately. I forced myself to run 3 or 4 times and then decided that was good enough. I play soccer weekly and run there so that counts right? There had been a bit of drama over this particular stake activity and it was fairly ridiculous. I, myself, had a bad attitude which is also fairly ridiculous. My friend Kristy was our ward coordinator and she did so much work. I was supposed to be the team captain and she pretty much did all the work, and went above and beyond by ordering all our shirts and made us all race packets. If I had truly been the team captain, my team would have gotten a big ole text about where they needed to meet:) In the end, this event ended up being a blast. It was really fun and the drama was soon forgotten. I actually felt pretty good while running and enjoyed the run for the first time in a long time. I think I miss the race experience a bit. Maybe someday my knee and foot will allow for long distance running again.

 

 

This picture is of both teams from our ward. We were the Jello Jigglers and most of our team is not pictured. They started the race for us and we got all the glory for finishing it out. Katie and Lisa hung onto that Finish sign for a few hours to make sure it didn't blow away. Fortunately, they didn't either! I was worried about Katie there a few times!

 

 

As for other news, I am debating on whether or not to get an MRI on this stupid wrist of mine. It still bugs me daily. Not enough to be super painful, just enough to be annoying and persistent. I can curl light weights, but stapling papers or swatting flies hurts. It just seems fickle. The bones have healed up fabulously, but there maybe some soft tissue injury. I hate the "maybe." I like the obvious injury where the bone is sticking out and they know right away why it hurts. My biggest fear is that they do the MRI and see nothing. So it just bugs for no reason and I am a huge wuss for complaining or being annoyed by it. Then I just feel stupid for wasting time and money and whining about it. Kind of on the fence as whether to do the MRI or not. The doctor seems to think I shouldn't have any discomfort this far out from injury, and while it doesn't hurt necessarily, there is something not normal and it isn't what it used to be. If I only knew.....maybe I should just really hurt it so it's definite! And just in case my looming 30th birthday wasn't depressing enough, it looks like I might get braces for yet a third time. My metabolism is dying, my body is slowing down and falling apart, wrinkles are appearing, hair grows in awesome places, and I get to relive the awkward teenage years with braces, zits, and an overbite. Fabulous. I cried in the car after the orthodontist appointment and because I am over 19, insurance will not cover this. I have briefly considered just doing the jaw surgery because it may be paid by insurance, but I read a blog about a girl who had her jaw wired for 4 weeks and was excited about eating real food again. That sounds fairly inconvenient. I am looking forward to a second opinion on the matter next month. Between the wrist and the mouth we shall see how far our flex spending account can flex!

 

All my leads and adoption possibilities have all officially died. I guess it feels good to be off the roller coaster as we had some heart wrenching disappointment, but it stinks to feel like we are back to square one and playing the waiting game. I see no glimmer of light on the horizon either. I felt like a month ago there were options and they certainly are no longer viable. Boo. Guess that gives me lots more time to potty train and enjoy the one on one time I have with this special little girl of mine. I sure love her even if I have to get down and dirty with the laundry!

 

 



 

 

 

Recovery

I am SO behind on housework, but I am also a little behind on blogging and I have way more ambition to type than clean right now. It's a rainy day, so plenty of time to do all things indoors right?! The last two weeks have been an absolute blur. We helped my brother move over Labor Day (yay for having him closer!), we had one day to do laundry and then flew out early last Wednesday for a few days in California. Paige and I were pretty excited about seeing Mom and Dad, don't know how excited Mark was, his trip was mostly work.

 

 

It was only 5 in the morning, but this little bug was really excited to ride the plane. As much as it stinks to now have to buy a full priced ticket for this kiddo, it was rather enjoyable having everyone in their own seat. Paige did so great traveling. She really loved the plane ride.

 

 

 

Mark had meeting at a hospital right after we landed, so Paige and I tagged along and waited in the lobby for an hour. That was quite the experience. We were at a huge children's and maternity hospital in downtown LA. Note to others, when pining for a baby, don't camp out in the mother baby unit. Not to mention I had to pull out some serious tricks to entertain Paige in a hospital lobby for an hour. It did make for good people watching. LA is a different world than ours! We finally got to Mom and Dad's and waited a while before they got done with their meetings. Paige was so happy to see them and gave them the biggest hugs ever. She then wasted no time bossing them around. Suits and skirts are of no consequence, you are sitting on the grass and playing!

 

Mark aged a year while we there, and we gave him a party worthy of any 80 year old. Birthdays seem to go down the crapper each year you age. They used to be fun! Paige and I did pound out a cake, and we went to a delicious Mediterranean restaurant where Paige had a peanut butter sandwich. The rest of us were more daring and had some fabulous food.

 

There was a pretty impressive mall nearby, and we had a bit of extra time in between meetings on Friday, so we decided these dollar rides would have to substitute for Disneyland. Paige was pretty happy and Mark and I saved about 200 bucks. Let me tell ya, I like hot weather, but it was seriously HOT down there. Like 105 degrees with a bit of humidity hot. One day while everyone was in a meeting except for us, Paige and I tried to hit up the park. No one was there but us, which should have been a sign. The toys were blistering hot. Paige wanted to swing and would have for hours, but I was melting. The swings were on a rubber pad that acted as an oven. I was roasting. While talking to my little brother on the phone, I noticed sweat dripping off my elbow. We then decided to find a pool, but they were all closed for Fall. Really!? I am not sure how Dad is able to rock the full suit all the time. Paige insisted he climb into this small train car with her. I am sure his suit was worse for wear.

 

This was a tiny little carousel, but it was indoors so it quickly became a fan favorite.

 

On Friday night, Mom and Dad watched Paige while Mark and I went to an Angels game. It was my first Major League game and it was a lot of fun. My favorite part was not having to wear jackets once the sun went down. It was still plenty warm to rock a t-shirt and sandals, even at 10 pm. I didn't eat all day anticipating the ginormous hot dog Mark promised me. It was delicious, but I felt pretty disgusting enjoying the beast. I could feel my arteries closing and my life being shortened by ten years. It was good though, so I suppose it was worth it.

 

Can't leave without a terrible selfie of our only actual date in months. I am looking old and tired, and sigh, I am becoming old and tired. I think what little make up I had on earlier melted off my face.

 

 

Loved the atmosphere and I enjoyed seeing a professional sporting event, but it didn't change the fact that baseball is baseball. A game much more enjoyable when playing. It is SLOW. I think I will stick with watching football. There were a bunch of little kids at the park, like kids Paige's age. I can't think of anything worse than taking Paige to a game that is hours longer than church and trying to keep her entertained, and buying her an 80 dollar ticket to do it! Maybe when she is five she can come.

 

 

We spent a lot of time just doing this. Paige loves my mom and dad. She often told Mark and I to leave her alone and go away. She wanted to spend all her time with Boppa and Mamma. Can't say I blame her. My parents are doing great and working hard---and I mean hard! I honestly don't know how they do it. I was tired just watching them. So much is asked of them. I came home feeling rather guilty I find Visiting Teaching and other simple things I am asked to do so inconvenient. I am asked to do so little, and I often don't do it as willingly as I should. My parents are a good example to me and to their grandchildren. They are truly sacrificing their time, talents, and all that they have to serve other people. They serve with a willing heart and they give it their all.

 

Paige was off schedule and we did more playing than sleeping. She crashed on the way to the airport and could have slept through an earthquake. It was really hard to say goodbye. I miss having my parents close. I loved seeing them interact with Paige again. Things picked up right where they left off. Three years seems like an awfully long time still!

 

 

The day after we got back, a good neighbor came over and taught me to can peaches. This was a big deal for me. I am not very self reliant and am overwhelmed even thinking about all the things I don't know. Food storage and canning is so daunting to me. I am amazed at how much others know and the stock pile they create for themselves. Earlier this year, I mentioned to Susan, an amazing gardener and canner, that I wanted to help her and see how it was done. She instead offered to come help me. She was so sweet and even picked up the peaches for me since I was out of town when the shipment came in. Susan brought some supplies and her knowledge and spent the morning teaching me how to do it. It really wasn't that hard, just time consuming and a bit messy, but I felt a bit accomplished as I stared at the finished product. I still don't think I am going to cross the realm into super canner, and I will probably still buy most of my canned goods, but I feel good knowing I at least know the process and can do it!

 

 

That pretty much sums up the last two weeks and now I get to go clean two weeks worth of bathrooms and floors. Enthusiasm is waning. Still feels like we need a bit of recovery time and some extra sleep. It will feel good to get back into our boring old routine again. It's boring, but Paige and I like it! Speaking of recovery, the BYU football team seemed to make the most of their week and Mark and I were pretty excited to watch them stomp Texas. The season has hope yet!

 

Onward Ho

 

Nothing new and exciting around these parts, just doing our daily routine and feeling awfully drained for no good reason. Mark has caught his yearly cold/pneumonia, it's an August tradition. Paige and I have really been busy doing nothing, not sure how that works. This weekend we help my brother move in and I am pretty excited to have some of my family within a few hours drive. Next week we board the big plane to go see my parents. Paige is excited and talks about the plane everyday. She told me last night that we are riding the plane to see Boppa, and that he is going to take her to the park because he is "so nice." Never mind her mother takes her to the park multiple times a week. I'm sure the park Boppa has in mind is way better! Just to make sure my mom doesn't feel left out, she rounded out the conversation by conceding that "Mamma is nice too." Paige then told me it was time to sing one more song and then she needed to go to bed. Paige certainly is the boss! Not going to argue with her on that one though.

 

Besides our epic battle with the potty, Paige has decided naps aren't cool. However, Mom thinks naps are super cool and necessary. She still needs them and when she doesn't have one, the evening is full of meltdowns. We go through phases like this all the time, and I hope she gets back into the nap phase soon. I always feel amazing when I yell at her to get back in her bed and go to sleep. I'm sure it's awfully relaxing and soothing. Paige will now run to her bed, climb in, and pretend she is asleep when she hears me turn the door knob. Clever young one, but I watched you climb back in! Paige hates all food that is actually food, and the other night she saw me pull dinner from the oven. She told me it was gross, put herself in her room, and told me "I'm not gonna eat that, I am gonna be naughty." I was able to coax her into actually trying a bite thanks to our previous reading of "Green Eggs and Ham." Wouldn't you know it, she actually didn't hate it once it was in her mouth! For the record, it was spaghetti casserole, smothered in cheese. Wasn't like I was trying to get her to eat asparagus or something. She is kind of a sight and texture freak. If it looks weird, it is, and if it feels strange in her mouth, I get it back right away. 

 

 

Paige gets really excited about new clothes. We put her new dress on and curled her hair, and she told me she was "so pretty." She then gave me her prettiest smile. I'm sorry, but she's adorable.

 

We've hit up the carousel a few times this summer, probably not enough. We've come along way though, and we can now leave without throwing a tantrum. Makes it a happy event from beginning to end!

 

Paige was not excited I took this picture, but this is her current favorite thing to play with. We take turns wearing the crown, and she waves the wand and says, "abra cadabra." She loves being the princess, and loves when she makes me the princess. In the last few weeks she has played with her toys better than ever. She will go upstairs all on her own, and I can hear her playing and entertaining herself. I love to listen to her and see her imagination at work. It must be an age thing? Seriously her toys were largely ignored until this point. She has also been obsessed with this v-tech toy that teaches writing. She gets the loud one, I get the magna doodle, and we write. Talking toys are beyond annoying, but I think it's possible she is learning so annoying toy it is!

 

Mark was roping the dummy, and Paige decided to grab her rope, which is twine string, and she headed for Mark while he heeled. It was hilarious, she really took it seriously. I couldn't get any closer without interrupting, but had to capture their daddy daughter moment! Loving these late summer nights. Still in mourning that they are numbered.

 

 

With the close of summer comes the silver lining....college football! Seriously though, it rules the roost in the Fall. Mark and I are obsessed. Last night the season kicked off and we watched a whole lot of boring games just because it was football. Saturday is BYU's first game and when the real fun begins. Mark and I are already nervous and I am trying to be realistic and am setting myself up for a mediocre season. That way I am not disappointed and super surprised if it fares better!

 

Yesterday was also a mess. As much as tell myself that the adoption thing is going on hold, and I am not going to think about it, I am forced to think about it. I really try to just move on with the days and not stress about it, but it never seems to work. I honestly think the time isn't right. I know it isn't. I know we can wait and be more patient. I get so anxious for something to happen, and then kind of scared when I think something actually could. I get pretty scared at times to add #2. I hope all moms feel this way. It scares me to think they will out number me 2-1 while Mark is at work, and my patience could be much worse when sleep deprived. But then, I see babies, or baby things, or remember what it is like to snuggle a sleeping newborn and I get anxious. Anyway, I woke up and had an email in our adoption email inbox, and of course was freaking out. I spent most of the day researching if it was a scam. Love it. Love having to put ourselves out there but that is the price you pay. You have to put yourself out there! Anyway, after spending the morning feeling out the situation only to be discourage the only emails we get from itsaboutlove.org seem to be scams, I got an email late last night that a baby girl had been born in Texas and papers were being signed today at 1, and they needed a family urgently. The birth mother was looking at profiles and wanted more options. I so badly wanted to send our profile in for this beautiful, healthy, baby girl, but the fees are just so expensive. It was actually lower than most, and for an already born baby with less risk involved, it really pulled at my heart strings. Adoption is just emotionally draining. I knew the situation wasn't for us, even though I wanted it to be so badly. I just think it's crazy that in one day we can have two very different extremes. I suppose it's the equivalent of having morning sickness and other not fun things about being pregnant. Bringing a baby into your home is a process of high and lows, no matter which route you take. I know being pregnant would be a challenge, but I get a little irritated when people tell me how much easier it must be to adopt. Mark and I have both felt very frustrated and deflated this week. It hurts. It's not easy, but it is worth it. So---onward ho! 

 

 



Gratitude

Tonight, Paige and I spent some time alone together, walking the greenbelt. I was overwhelmed with gratitude as I spent an hour talking with this sweet little girl I get to call mine. I have worked pretty hard to ensure that when you ask her who her best friend is, she says "Mom." I also make sure she knows my answer to the same question is "Paige." We then exclaim we are best friends....and you know what? We ARE! There are days that are long and hard, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. She is my bright spot, my world, my miracle. I know I am biased, but I think she is the most beautiful little girl in the entire world. I adore her, she is beyond special. I can't believe I get to be her mom.

 

She really wanted to pet the ducks and geese. Paige asked them multiple times if they were happy. I promised her they were the happiest birds out there.

 

This girl loves to shop. She isn't quite an endurance shopper yet, but she knows what she wants when she sees it. These boots were an instant hit. She had to have them, and she had to wear them out of the store. We did get a fabulous sale price so it was an easy yes!

Paige talks... a lot! She talks really well and for the most part, I can catch every word. She is funny and full of sass (like seriously you have no idea, how she can be so sweet and sassy confuses me). A few of her favorite things to say recently: "I am too tired." She says this if I ask her to do anything she doesn't want to do, from eating to taking off her shoes. Any adult male is a  "big guy" and she likes to say "that's my Dad" or "that's my Mom." When I ask her if she is my baby, she says "No, I'm Paige." Sigh. that one makes me sad. Paige loves shows. I have created a monster and I am totally to blame. I bought a DVD that has 'Yo Gabba Gabba" on it, and she watches it over and over again in the car. She is obsessed. There is a silly song they sing about times to be quiet and times to be loud. When I woke her up for church from a seriously deep sleep, she jumped up and with drool on her face, immediately sang "loud, loud, LOUD!" Apparently she dreams about this show! Once in a while she will say something totally random and I have no idea where it comes from. The other day in the car she randomly said, "Mom, an owl says hooo, hoo, hoo." Yes, yes it does.

Paige tells me that everything I feed her is "gross." She will also tell me she needs to go potty, while she is messing her shorts. She still has no desire to potty train, and is stubborn enough that when we try, she will sit on the toilet and hold it....for like 45 minutes. She likes to help me do laundry and vacuum, but really loves to feed Roxy and Boots. She takes this chore very seriously. She fills their bowls, then demands that they eat. Anyone catching the irony?

I can't describe how lucky and blessed I feel to have Paige in our home. She truly is our miracle baby. I tell her that, I tell anyone that asks about her that. I still can't make sense of it sometimes. It doesn't seem possible that I have the most wonderful child who came from the most wonderful birth family. I think working through the process again, I am realizing more and more that we are SO BLESSED. Thank you, thank you, thank you, my angel Olivia. Thank you for being you, thank you for being a part of our lives, thank you for being amazing, and thank you for giving me the most priceless gift. Paige is amazing. She is strong, beautiful, loving, and oh so much like you! And Melissa, thank you for all you do for us. Thank you for being so much more than a friend. Thank you for letting us be a part of your lives. Thank you for being family. We love you all!