Riding the Waves

Sometimes I struggle knowing what to share on a public blog, even if my public is my small circle of family and a few friends who read consistently. Usually I find myself posting pictures and a day to day rundown of our lives. I hope to journal for myself, and share with my family and Paige's birth family what we're up to. Sometimes I turn to writing when I need a good vent or rant, painting a pretty ugly and depressing picture of myself and my attitude. I think sometimes I shy away from posting anything more than a travel log because I do fear how I may be received otherwise. However, maybe writing the ups and downs of my life will help someone in some way. Lately, much of my free time has been spent working on our adoption, and I very rarely share what is exactly going on. I probably will never be completely transparent when it comes to a behind the scene look into our adoption journey, but by showing a glimpse of it, hopefully I can shed some light on why adoption is difficult---and I have it easy by comparison!

Our first adoption fell into our laps. It was the last thing I expected to happen, and maybe that's why it did. It always felt right. Everything clicked right away, and even though it was nerve wracking at times, overall it was wonderful. I knew when we decided to adopt again, the chances of it happening as easily were slim. That's ok. One reason adoption is so beautiful is because each story is so unique, just like the children involved. No one adoption story is alike. Waiting patiently isn't one of my best qualities, and most adoption classes I attended encouraged being proactive and "networking" ourselves. Not a comfortable thing for me. While sending out business cards with our profile information, calling OBGYNs, and publicly advertising scares me, researching facilitators, consultants, agencies, and attorneys from the comfort of my home is something I can do.

Fun fact about adoption, EVERY state's laws are different. Completely different, in all facets. From the time birth parents can relinquish rights, if consents are revocable, when/where adoptions can be finalized, what can be considered birth parent expenses, how much can be paid in birth parent expenses, and the list goes on. Even the route you take to find your baby depends on the state. Some do not allow advertising, facilitators, or consultants, and don't ask me the difference between those last two groups, still trying to figure that one out. I am NO expert in any of these things and often have more questions than answers. But I am getting a good flair for states that are adoption friendly and states that are pretty scary. There is just so much to know and it is daunting. I can't tell you how many times I wish there was a standard across the board. Just to illustrate my point, a situation we had found earlier this summer and expressed interest in ended up not working out. We went as far as talking to the birth family and were cautiously excited. However, something didn't sit right with us, and for others this wouldn't have been an issue, but for us it was. We were crushed and decided we couldn't go forward with the match. Hindsight is 20/20 and we just found out this week that this adoption legally was not an option for us. Our state caps birth mother expenses at "x" amount, and as adoptive parents, we aren't allowed to pay over that and finalize in our state. The state where the baby was born had a cap as well, but a judge can decide if there are legitimate expenses and can raise the cap. Initially we were told we could finalize in the sending state and use their laws. The attorney involved told us this week that the situation we passed on had some crazy unforeseen legal issues and the couple had to finalize in their home state vs. the sending state. Since our state would not have let us finalize here because the expenses exceeded our state cap, we would have a baby we could not legally adopt. Can you imagine the legal mess we would have been in? Not to mention committing emotionally and financially to a baby that legally we could not have. Wow.

That is just one reason why adoption is crazy and heavy. I feel like I spend hours talking to adoption professionals and am weighing the pros and cons about how they handle their adoptions, their contracts, the finances, my financial risk among my ability to afford (I am learning that 30-40k is pretty much the norm) and it is beyond stressful. What I have found to be even MORE stressful is finally finding a situation we might be interested in and trying to decide if it is the right situation for us. I can say that in the last few months we have had quite a few situations we could have presented our profile to, and even a slim few where we had the final say as to whether or not we wanted to proceed with the match. Finding a situation stresses me, trying to decide if a particular situation is the right situation for Mark, Paige and I is far worse. I will try my best to illustrate why.

First, there is the initial excitement that there is a possible baby out there for us. I will see a posting about an expectant mother making an adoption plan. The amount of information we get varies. I have gotten as much as entire medical and social history to only knowing the gender and due date. I consider where this information is coming from and try my best to know if it is a legitimate situation with a reputable adoption professional or a big 'ole scam. Second, we begin analyzing the situation beginning with the expectant mother: her age, health, drug or alcohol use, other children, reasons for considering adoption, level of openness, (does she want letters, pictures, visits?) due date, what are her preferences for an adoptive family? Often, we don't fit her preferences. Third, birth father and legal risks. Is he involved? Will he sign? Fourth, state. Can we adopt from there? Can we finalize there? Fifth, cost, and sadly sometimes this is first. If it is a 40k plus adoption I don't even bother reading the fine print, we can't afford that! Along with the price, how much of our funds are at risk and when are they due? How much do we pay at match and how much will be due at placement? This is only a snippet of things to consider. Think of all the risks or questions you could possibly want answered, times it by ten, then figure you won't ever know the answers to most of them. Then decide if you at least know enough to want to take the leap of faith. I realize that nothing comes without risks, even your own biological pregnancy comes with risks and unknowns. BUT, you get to be there for the journey. You get to hear what the doctors are saying, what they are recommending. You have some control over how you are taking care of yourself, what you can do to minimize risks, what your own history is, whether you are consuming drugs, alcohol, or smoking, what tests the doctors are running, what they say, what the ultrasound shows, etc. I feel like I have to know enough to know if I can make the calculated risk. Not to mention I know nothing about being pregnant, what tests are done, what they should say, what they mean. I constantly feel like I am in the dark. I remember going to an ultrasound appointment with Paige's birth mother and feeling very stupid that I had no idea what was going on. Thankfully, she was sweet enough to coach me through it!

Once we get past the initial process and want to proceed, we ask to be presented to the expectant mother. A few weeks ago I felt very excited and at peace with a situation. Peace is not a usual feeling in this process for me so I truly felt like it was a good route. Mark was on board as well. I waited on pins and needles for a week and half for any word on the situation. Finally, the dreaded rejection email. The expectant mother had chosen another family. That is her choice and I respect that. It is her child and she needs to feel like she is placing it with the right family for her baby. However, it still hurts to know that you weren't the ones. You immediately ask why, wonder what she liked or didn't like about your profile, why weren't you a fit? I hope for the best. I know that she knows more than me, and Heavenly Father knows more than all, and it just wasn't right. Sometimes I like knowing it is out of my hands.  We have had situations where it is in our hands, and I find it worse at times. I feel judgmental as I fret about the situation and the information I have. Am I ok with the history given? Am I ok with the risks? Ahhh! It stresses me. Sometimes Mark and I feel at opposite ends of the spectrum. I will feel good about it and he feels entirely uncomfortable with it. That's always fun. The entire thing is an emotional rollercoaster, and the hardest part is knowing it is a no, and you have to turn down the situation--acknowledge that you are potentially turning down a baby. Guilt. I always have a lot of guilt that I am not willing to pay that much, or that I am not willing to accept those risks and health challenges. Lots of guilt. On a side note, sometimes it totally freaks me out that it may all work out and that I could have a baby in month. That's a whole new road of stresses!

My "favorite" moment in the journey so far came last week. We had been in contact with an attorney for a few months and he had sent out a few situations. He was never great at giving much information about any of them, there was always a lot of emotional and financial risk involved, and most of his matches were very far out and the expectant mothers were only a few weeks along. Though you have more preparation time, there is SO much at risk with that much time. He was very good about applying pressure and making sure we knew things needed to happen fast, meaning he would need money fast. I know he has facilitated a lot of adoptions, and a lot of people really like working with him. Most of the time I would get a mass text about a new opportunity--they would largely be ignored because they never fit our preferences. Some risks are just too big for us. One situation we agreed to, only to have the expectant mother never make contact with the attorney again. In the middle of all this, I found out that I needed surgery. Since we had had no promising leads for a month, we decided to go ahead with the surgery and get it out of the way before a promising situation arose. Solve it and move on with life right?! Sure enough, after weeks of silence, I got a text about a potential situation due two weeks after my surgery. I got a gender and a due date--NO other information. Mark and I just felt like it wasn't a solid situation and the timing was awful. I potentially would be casted and taking care of a newborn, alone, while Mark travels (year end is his busiest), among other things which confirmed this was not the right situation for us. What if she gave birth early? We couldn't see how we could spend the required two weeks in the sending state right now! I sent a message back politely declining the situation--which is always hard. It stinks to say no! I got an UGLY text back. I was accused of wasting time waiting for the "perfect" situation and not really, truly wanting to be a parent. Add to the list of fears the judgment that comes because you have declined a situation or because you ask too many questions you are now a hard to place family. You are 'high maintenance and unreasonable" and blacklisted. Needless to say we closed the door and so did the attorney.

I am sorry for the long post. I honestly just wanted to describe what the adoption journey can be like and why I am insane at times. From first hand experience, I believe that the right baby comes to the right home. I take every situation to my Heavenly Father and pray--- a lot!! I want it to be right for everyone involved. All the pieces have to fit, and I know they can and that they do when it's meant to be. Despite knowing that, sometimes it takes its toll on me. I question my sanity and my ability to discern between my emotions, promptings, and answers to prayers. How can I feel so good about something only to see it crash and burn? Why do so many "coincidences" happen only to have it come to a screeching halt? Do I read to much into it? Am I trying to force something? Was it really not a prompting just my excitement? Do I sit and wait for our baby to find us or do we actively search for our baby? Is faith waiting and trusting or actively pursuing? Why am I jealous of other's successes? Why do I get mixed emotions when I read about someone going to church and randomly finding an expectant mom due with twins a week later and having to expedite their home study so they are ready for the babies in two weeks and then they post this wonderful picture of their seamless journey. I always feel really bad about having those feelings--they are deserving, hopeful parents as well. Mark and I were just as lucky the first time around--I have no room to complain about tough journeys. We have had it easy compared to so many. I recently learned of a family who has had 10 failed matches and has lost 40k over three years and is still waiting. Ouch.

I hope that this post doesn't come across as a big, huge, complaint. That is not my intention. I am not at my wits end or without hope. I know this is just how adoption can be sometimes. It is just HARD. And I've only shared my viewpoint. I can't begin to imagine how hard adoption must be for the potential birth family. However, the end result is WONDERFUL! When you are finally holding that special baby you know is meant to be in your arms it is ALL worth it. Building a relationship with Paige's birth family has exceeded all my expectations and has been more than worth it. I have hope that it will happen again. For now I count my blessings, I have so many. One incredibly beautiful blessing in particular makes each day of mine worth living. I have really enjoyed my one on one time with Paige. This point in my life will never happen again. I am happy and hopeful about what the future might be.