Family Joy

Mark and I had the most AMAZING weekend. Friday was easily one of the best days of my life. When Mark and I first decided to adopt, we didn't have a clear idea of what kind of adoption we wanted: closed, semi-closed, or open. I think we were leaning towards a semi-closed adoption which basically means limited contact (i.e. letters, meetings before delivery, pictures, updates, etc) but we promised ourselves to keep an open mind. After attending some classes and reading blogs that I love, I noticed that open adoptions were becoming more and more  popular. The feedback was so positive, but I didn't know if it was something that would be right for Mark and I.  I honestly didn't understand much, and I had concerns that seem so silly now, but until you are living that situation, you just don't know. To many, open adoption is odd, scary, and threatening--and I can understand those feelings, I had those! What I didn't know at that time was how incredible it can be and why those families experiencing open adoptions were so excited about them. With that being said, I still feel so strongly that each adoption is SO different and each situation needs to be analyzed carefully so that it is best for all parties involved. I feel lucky and blessed that Paige's birthmother is an angel.  She has become family and I love her dearly. I feel like I got two for the price of one and I am so grateful that I have a best friend that cares so much for Paige.

Olivia came up on Friday to share her birthday with our little family. I loved watching her light up at little smiles, kissing cute neck rolls, and relishing in every moment. She and I share a mother's love with the same little girl. There is something special knowing she understands how I feel in such a unique way. As mothers, we are always so biased when it comes to our children, it is kind of fun knowing I am not alone in my biased opinions--she shares every single one of them! I was overwhelmed by the feeling that our Heavenly Father knows each of us so well, and He recognizes how much we needed her, and how much she needed us. Now, we get to share in this overwhelming joy together. It is the opposite of threatening and awkward, rather the most comforting feeling ever, knowing that things are as they should be. She is excited to see our little family as a family and knowing she approves and supports us helps me to know that I am doing what I can to give back to her.

 

This picture melts my heart. I have so much love for everyone in this picture!

Mark wanted to make sure I clarified my last post. He is very good at changing diapers, wet ones. He has always been willing to change a wet bum. On Friday, he caved under peer pressure and decided it was his moment to prove to the world he could also do poop.

 

 

He honestly got one of the worst poopy bums I ever did see. Trial by fire. But, now he knows he can conquer them all! Paige smiled through the whole thing.

Yesterday was such a special day for us. Paige has felt like ours from the beginning, but there is some weight that is lifted when it becomes legal. Hard to explain, I never felt like it was because something would "happen," but I guess it is just nice to know that you can take her on a trip, or get a kitten, or whatever without notifying the agency.  I don't know why I was surprised by this, but court is really official. I guess you hear so much about the happiness and what not, that we were a little surprised by the seriousness of it all. It is good, I am glad court is official and serious, I guess I just didn't know what to except. I got a little teary eyed when I finally heard the judge give his ruling and pronounce that our baby would now legally be known as Paige Ryann S______ and we would be legally responsible for her well being. It was nice to share it with our families and it was nice having our lawyers be not only amazing, but really good friends. Thank you D________ for being incredible. 

It is always so interesting that sweet baby Paige is an angel unless something important is happening. She rarely spits up and on this occasion, she hadn't even gone poop since Saturday. She pretty much projectile vomited on our way out the door, making us late, and then she got to work messing her shorts as soon as the judge started to talk.  Great timing. She was pretty fussy the whole time and she smelled amazingly bad. By the time we got to the picture taking, she was ticked. I was able to console with a bottle that pretty much makes an appearance in all these photos despite my ridiculous attempts to hide it. I have crazy eyes thanks to the crying and my hair has been ignored since Paige came into my life, but I still love these:

 

Her cute court outfit. Love the tights that don't fit yet.

 

Getting excited to go to court

 

Hopefully the last time she has to see the judge or she has a few families that will be wanting to send her to wilderness camp;)

 

Her happy, stinky self. Still cute though. Mark and I are blessed with an amazing support group. How cute is my little brother by the way?

 

My good friend Steve who helped us out so much. He and his dad are great! So weird that we are grown ups now. I have a baby, Steve is a lawyer. Where does time go? It doesn't seem that long ago that we were playing night games in Steve's backyard or that Mark and Steve were playing high school baseball. I love that my head tilts to the side in all these pictures. Must be the baby I always hold on the left side. It must be causing a left side droop!



Giving Back Project

Here we are a week later, and I am just barely getting to sit down to right about our gift to the clinic. The entire week was a little bit emotional for Mark and I. It seems like another lifetime ago that we got the news that pulled the rug from beneath our feet. Those first few days were the worst, once we got into the "fight," things were so much better. We figured things out and the task at hand seemed less daunting--but those first few days in the hospital facing the unknown were just down right scary. Honestly, while the situation taught us so much, I would really rather leave it in the past and forget it ever happened. I don't like thinking about it. I want to tuck it away and leave it in a hidden corner. But--that is unfair, because we have a lot to be grateful for, and that is why we must do what we can to give back and to help others who are facing that rollercoaster ride. I think that is why Relay for Life is important. It shows people that they are not alone and that there is a fight out there collectively bigger than their own. If I were to boil things down, the goodness of others is what got us through our tough times. I wanted Mark and I to do a service, but I didn't want it to be about us. We appreciate all those that made this gift so special. I hope you feel like YOU made it happen and that YOU brought a smile to someone in need. I know Teton Oncology will put all the goods to good use and many patients will be blessed! I have already heard the valentines were a hit.

It was hard to get a good picture of the actual haul. We got some really amazing things, boxes full of toys! I packed things up pretty good, so pictures of the boxes really don't do it justice. We needed two vehicles to get the stash there. It was fun gathering everything up, I felt a little like Santa. Legos, Barbies, stuffed animals, coloring books, reading books, clay, play dough, dr play kits, cars, blocks, board games, activity centers, strollers, turtles, wooden dolls, ponies, a handmade train, movies, and the list goes on. I felt like a kid in a candy store and wanted to indulge in a few things myself. For the adults we got a portable dvd player, card games, and a good selection of dvds that I had a hard time not opening and watching before donating. I think the adults should sneak into the kids' room--nothing brings hope like being able to be a kid again, even if it is just a moment. We also got two boxes full of the cutest homemade valentines you ever did see, all with encouraging words to keep fighting, keep smiling, and to feel better. Words really can't express how fun it was to have such a wonderful response. Thank you!

The black bag is full of the cutest beanie babies and stuffed animals ever.

With our favorite nurse--one of our angels.

Paige is now two months old. She had her check-up Friday and she is still so tiny. We will have to do a weight check in a month to see if she can pack on the pounds a bit. She is in the 10th percentile for weight and 30th percentile for height and head. Paige weighed in at 9 lbs 3 oz. She eats pretty good, so I am not too worried, but we will do our best to plump her up. If you have been lucky enough to be around her, you know that Paige isn't much of a crier. She must have anticipated her vaccinations because she wailed through the appointment. When the nurse stuck her, the mouth gaped and the head turned a deep shade of red--but no sound. After 10 seconds of catching her breath, Paige ripped out a scream heard around the world. She has since replicated that sound a few times. The newborn cry is officially gone, she learned how to really let it out. I guess she discovered she can make a ruckus. She hasn't been herself since, makes me so sad! She has slept a lot, but when not sleeping she screams (really, she does). It took awhile before I could even get her to eat again. I hope she gets back to her happy and content self soon so I feel less terrible about the whole ordeal. Paige LOVES her daddy and he was the only one that could calm her down. She is such a cheater. He has never even changed a poopy bum. I guess he did promise her my horse, a puppy, and anything else she wants. Mark told me that is the key--promise her good things. Here I thought it was the singing, reading stories, silly faces, night feedings, poopy bum changes, oh well! I love her dad too:)

In her cute Valentine's Day outfit

Too cute! She loves to have her hands in the air, I swaddled her up tight, but this little fist worked loose.

8 Weeks

My little girl is 8 weeks old today. I still find it strange that I have no idea whether it is Monday or Thursday and time has little meaning, yet it flies so fast. I sometimes become sad seeing time go by because there is something so special about that newborn stage....but then I remember falling asleep brushing my teeth and I realize that having a resemblance of a routine and a baby that sleeps through the night on occasion isn't so bad either.

Paige is so fun. She smiles now--mostly at other people, but I sneak a peek when she thinks I am not looking. She is working on holding her head up and does really well. Her little legs are super strong and she pushes off things like crazy. I hope this means she is dying to be a soccer player rather than a cheerleader, no offense to our spirited folk out there, I can only relate to one side of the spectrum. I am impressed with my concern over her attire. Observing mine, you would not guess I would be excited about dressing a little girl and matching headbands to her outfits, but it really is fun. My OCD matching fetish is in overdrive. I think on a small body when all wardrobe pieces are in close proximity, it intensifies the situation. Paige and I aren't morning people, well, she is, but I am not. I find there is nothing harder than to wake up at 8. Once up, I find it even harder to get ready for the day. Please no visitors before noon, you will find us girls in our pajamas and no make up. Paige's complexion can handle that, mine can not. Our hair is both wild, but the look looks good on her. Same goes for the thighs. It seems rather unfair her chubby ones are considered cute but are unflattering on the older generations.

One year ago today Mark and I spent the entire day working on our online profile. Last year, the 11th was Thursday and Mark came in at 3 am to tell me he was sick. Tonight, I watched him feed horses and throw hay bales around while Paige and I sat in the truck. What a difference a year makes. I have never been so afraid in my life, and now I couldn't be more grateful. Life still has its challenges--they are just different now. We have learned that challenges are what teaches us. I suppose if I was smarter, I would catch on quicker and learn from hearsay....oh well, as long as I learn.

Relay for Life was AMAZING! We had such a great turnout and the donation table was full. I can't wait to present the gift on Friday. I think the clinic will be overjoyed. Even during tough times, people are good and people are generous. I love to feel strength from our community and our friends. The cancer family is strong and though it isn't a club I would have signed up for, it isn't a bad one to be involved with. I don't think we could have done this without the support. It felt great to feel that again, but this time around it was much more positive and uplifting. Mark did a great job speaking. I know he was nervous and concerned about what to say--but he was his usual people person self. Look forward to a post about our project results and pictures.

For now, enjoy some pictures of my cute baby girl:)

I like when babies wear adult clothing like cardigans and truly become little people. I find it amusing. She later smeared poop all over this outfit--not grown up behavior. We will work on that.

Rockin the hood, we have room to grow in this one. She likes to wear this and bump it in the car seat. Of course only to clean and edited songs.

You work to get her asleep, and then you work to keep her up to feed. This is after a failed feeding--just too much work being a baby. She seems so big to me, til I see her with Mark and then she is still my sweet lil baby!

This is the face I get when she doesn't agree with my accessorizing. Apparently she isn't a huge fan of the hat. This doesn't even look like her to me, who is this angry baby?

Trying to get the first captured smile, a tall order when there is a three second delay from when you push the button and the camera takes the picture. Too cheap to get a new camera.

And pretty much the end of the smile, but its close!

Just think this is funny and terribly cute. Mark will love that I put this on here, he was really prepared for the picture taking. I love how he comes home from work, washes his hands, and can't wait to pick up Paige. She is a daddy's girl despite my reasonings with her (i.e. I change poopy bums, do night feedings, spend every waking moment etc...). Oh well, I guess I like him too so I really can't get too mad. Paige rarely reasons with me and we have yet to see eye to eye on some things. I think she is preparing me for her later years.

One Week Away

I can't believe how fast time is going, January is coming to an end, and Relay for Life Kick-Off is a week from tomorrow! Thanks to all who have already donated; we are so grateful! The clinic will be overjoyed. If there is someone you would like to donate in behalf of, please let us know. I would love to make a poster or something with all the names being honored. I have no doubt it will be a special night. Remember, it is February 3rd. For all the details, look back at the last three posts. Last post has the most details.

Meanwhile, my little princess is 6 weeks old---and slept through the night for the first time last night. 10:30 to 8. Not too bad for such a little thing. She smiled at me for the first time Sunday, and it melted my heart. There really is nothing better than being a mom.

Love to you all, thanks for your support!

Love this little thing!

More "Giving Back" and Relay for Life details

All right folks--get excited, the Relay for Life kickoff is really starting to take shape. If you haven't been involved with Relay for Life, now is your chance! Last year, Mark decided at the last minute that he wanted to participate. Not being one for fanfare, Mark was really leary about the whole thing. The day of the event, curiosity got the best of him, and knowing Ironman was going to be there, Mark gave in. It was an amazing oppurtunity and we are glad we didn't miss it! It exceeded our expectations. In the words of the Relay for Life coordinator Lisa-Marie, "Everyone needs hope, not just cancer patients, everyone needs a little hope!" That is exactly what Relay for Life gives. There is something overwhelming powerful about a group of people who gather to champion a single cause. In a time where the news is dominated by shootings, violence, and anger, events like these help to restore my faith in humanity and the overall goodness of people. During our little trial, I was constantly amazed at the support we received, not just from family and friends, but from complete strangers. Relay for Life helped Mark and I see how big the "cancer family" really is and that we were never alone in our journey. It is beautiful having such a strong bond and instant connection with someone because you know they understand the physical and emotional challenges you are going through.

Here is a perfect example of lives weaving together by cancer. As you know, a few days ago I introduced our "giving back" project. The first response I got was from an old friend I met at a college ward. It has really been years since we have seen each other or even talked much for that matter. It is great how Facebook allows you to keep in contact with people that never would have been possible before. Here is a little excerpt from her message:

       "My father in law was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer Feb 2010, He went through 3 surgeries    including having 65% of his liver taken out, 11 rounds of chemo, a fierce infection and 5 hospital stays adding up to 45 days total. He is finally well and back to himself. At his intial diagnosis they gave him a year to live, we have almost hit that year mark and his last scan a month ago his body was completely clear of cancer. We are cautiously optomistic that he will continue on the wellness path! So on a small scale our family can relate to what you both went through. I'm sorry you had to experience something so hard with your husband (we are all to young to deal with that kind of stuff)."

What an amazing survivor story! I got chills reading Anna's message, and it brought tears to my eyes. Anna's father-in-law's birthday is today. Congratulations! I know he and his family have a new appreciation for celebrating life today. In honor of his birthday, they are sending us a package to donate to the project. I love it! I love how projects like these unite people and bring hope to everyone invovled. Hopefully the end result will bring a few smiles on a few faces. No matter what your age, I am with Anna, we are ALL to young to deal with this kind of stuff.

The big kickoff event is slated for Thursday, February 3rd. The event will be at the new Marriot Hotel in Rexburg. It is at 1177 South Yellowstone Highway. Time: 6:30-7:00 Team and Survivor Registration, 7:00-8:00 Program and Service Project, 8:00-8:30 Team and Survivor Registration. We are hoping this will be a family event, so bring your kids! They are working on refreshments through Jamba and Great Harvest bread.  Hopefully, we will PACK that room and having standing room only! There will be so many ways to get involved this night.
1.Remember, Mark will be one of the speakers during the program, and there will also be some entertainment.
2. The service project will encompass our "giving back" project. We are asking those who come to bring a toy or dvd to donate if they are willing. We will be sanitizing the toys that night so they are ready to go to the oncology clinic. I would hate to dump them a whole bunch of germs! If you would like to donate Clorox wipes to the cause, that would be great as well. I will be providing bins and boxes, but I am sure if you have extra of these we could use them as well. Hopefully we will fill them! I really feel like there can't be too much. Perhaps with excess we can spread the joy to the hospital, or let kids take them home after rough treatment days. Anyone out there who has had a "chemo day" knows that it is hard to get excited about it.  Maybe knowing you might get a cool toy to take home will make it a little better. The toys and dvds DO NOT have to be new, so don't feel like this is something you have to go and buy for. Look around your house, see if there is a dvd you can't stand to watch one more time, or a toy you would be glad to "hide" permanently:) The only requirement is the toys need to be easily sanitized after each use to help keep germs at bay. We don't want to distress those weakened immune systems!
3. Another aspect of the service project will be more child oriented. If you aren't familiar with Mark and I's story, start reading last years posts in February. We were in the hospital over Valentine's Day and we received a beautiful card from Rhett, a little boy we didn't know. It lifted our spirits! There will be a table set up for kids to draw pictures, cards, or valentines to give out to patients. There isn't a person out there that doesn't love a little artwork from the heart. What a great oppurtunity to allow our little ones an oppurtunity to serve.
3. Team and Survivor registration will also be held. If you have never been part of a team, now's your chance. Relay for Life teams not only physically support by walking the track for 24 hours, but they raise funds for cancer research. It all goes towards a great cause, so come out and let's enjoy each others company.

If you can't come that night, but would still like to donate to our little project, feel free to email me at jsteiner18@gmail.com and I can give you some more information. Beehive Federal Credit Union in Rexburg has been generous enough to allow donations to be dropped off to either of their locations:

Rexburg Locations:
65 S Center
1087 Erikson Dr
Lobby Hours: 9:00 am - 5:00 pm

Our Valentine from Rhett, and a few get well card's from Mark's nieces.

Mark and I taking part in the survivor lap during last year's Relay for Life.

Come spend a night with us celebrating all those who are touched in someway by cancer. I promise you won't regret it! Service is infectious and is certain to bring a smile. It is dark, gloomy, and winter, let's brighten the mood by strengthening each other and by giving back!

4 Weeks---and Time to Give Back!

My little one is four weeks old today! I can't believe it! What also blows my mind is my sweet thing went to bed at 10, woke up at 3:30, woke up at 8:30! She must have wanted to give me a present for her big day. I feel like I am in a time warp where it doesn't move, but flies by all that the same time. So crazy! Strange that no matter how much I sleep, I often feel tired and no matter how much lotion I use, my skin is still falling off. It is the third dimension over here or something.

Paige is more alert each and everyday. She will have nothing to do with baby music and sounds, but totally relaxes back to my playlist on itunes. I really think she is 15 trapped in this teeny tiny body. She thinks she can hold her head up and hold her own bottle. She refuses nap time during the day claiming 15 year olds don't take naps. She is still wearing newborn diapers and will be for at least another week. Newborn clothes are on the verge of the wayside......for now they fit, but I can see that changing quickly. Looks like I am going to have to go shopping:)

Now for giving back---Mark was diagnosed with cancer February 11th 2010. His one year anniversary is quickly approaching and we want to celebrate it in a good way, following the lead of our very favorite fellow cancer survivor Ironman and his family. Since Mark's cancer journey was based at Teton Oncology, I called our favorite nurse Linda to see if there was a need that could be filled at the clinic. The clinic means a lot to us and we want to help anyway we can. After discussing some ideas with the nurses and doctors, Linda suggested the following:
   1. Toys that are easily cleaned after each use for the pediatric kids to play with during treatment. Mark was a pediatric patient, and let me tell ya, they do need some more toys! We were bored rather quickly;)  Treatment often takes a few hours, and their toy selection is pretty slim, giving the kids little option to entertain themselves in the office. For any parent out there, imagine trying to keep a happy child for multiple hours while getting some pretty serious treatment, and you can see why this would be a priority need!

2. Not just kids have to burn hours at the clinic, adults need entertaining too! When Mark would receive treatment, it would usually take about 6 hours. That is a really long time to be sitting around. The clinic has 3 portable dvd players and just a few movies to choose from. There wasn't a day we were there that each chair was filled with a cancer patient receiving chemotherapy. The clinic would love to add some more dvd's to their collection, giving patients a bigger selection.

I feel like these two requests are so simple, toys and dvds! They don't even have to be new.  Now, this is where I beg my readers for help. Mark and I could probably fill a few orders, but with the support we have had this year, I know we have an awesome network of supporters out there that could really make this anniversary gift to the clinic amazing. I have noticed a few of you are even cleaning out the toy rooms to make room for the new duds from Santa. If they are easily sanatized, why not donate them to the clinic rather than the trash? If you would be willing to donate to this project, please contact me! We would like to give this gift back around the 11th of February, so it gives us just a few weeks. We love our cancer family at Teton Oncology and would love to help those current patients. These requests might be small, but trust us, they would make a big difference. Through this experience, we learned the small things really make someones day.

In addition, Mark has been asked to speak at the big kickoff to the Relay for Life season on February 3rd. It should be a really fun night, the details are still being ironed out. I will keep you posted about the event. Stay tuned! There might be a possibilty we can tie our project or help with another one this evening. Plus, you get to hear some talks from some pretty amazing people---not just Mark! There will be entertainment and it will be a fun night celebrating those who brave the fight against cancer.

Thank you so much for keeping tabs on Mark and I. It feels so good to know people out there care about us and care about what is going on in our lives. We love little Paige and can't believe how much she is changing already. We know this February 11th will be a much better day than it was last year; we have so much to be grateful for.

Story Continued.....

I believe I left off making plans to meet our sweet angel birthmother.  Have you ever met someone and felt like you have been forever friends? It had only been about two weeks since we had been corresponding, but it seemed like we had been talking to each other for years, and that we knew each other so well. I was so nervous, but very excited to meet our angel. Mark and I had been glued to our email account and loved any piece of information we got. Mark was basically living in Utah at the time for radiation treatments. Funny that this ended up being a huge blessing for us. When we first learned insurance coverage was going to force Mark away from home, we were really upset. However, in the long run, it allowed us to spend a lot of time with our birthmother, Olivia.

The day was a Friday. I worried about my first impression, I was worried about saying something stupid because that is one of my many talents. I was worried about a lot of things. We sat in the boardroom at the agency waiting for our time together. The social worker came in and prepped us with a list of questions Olivia wanted to ask us. We in turn gave her a list of questions for her. I had spent the last few days making a gift for Olivia, and was really excited to give it to her, but nervous she would analyze it too much. I am really good at worrying--one of my greatest talents in fact. The awesome part? All my fears were so unfounded and as soon as Mark and I walked into the room, Olivia and I wrapped up each other in a huge hug, like long lost friends being reunited. I felt like we could have talked for hours and conversation flowed great. I was a little nervous still, but a good nervous. I love that she wasn't nervous at all! It is so her, strong, brave, bold, and unafraid about being herself. She is such a great example to me! At the end of the 2 hours, we had to say goodbye, but she blessed us by inviting us to her upcoming ultrasound--just a few days later. An ultrasound to confirm the gender. We were so excited!

The following Wednesday, Mark and I met Olivia and her mother, Melissa at the doctor and experienced one of the most amazing things ever, seeing our little GIRL for the first time. We felt so privileged to be invited there, to be allowed  there. It was incredible to see feet, hands, a cute little face, and a healthy baby. Afterwards, Olivia gave us an infant bracelet and a letter I will never forget. It is one of my most prized possessions. She wrote Mark and I the most amazing letter, explaining why she chose us to parent her baby. I bawled reading words I really never thought would come, Mark was driving and asked me to read it aloud. Yeah right! Somehow, I was able to get through it enough for him to get the picture. We were on our way to meet Olivia and Melissa for ice cream. I had to compose myself enough to see her, but Olivia could tell I was a mess and just gave me a hug. We had a wonderful visit, without a social worker, and just enjoyed all being together. It was absolutely one of the best days of my life. I believe that open adoption is an incredible blessing when it works out this way. I feel like we got a two in one deal and I have not only a beautiful daughter, but a forever friend. We feel so much love and admiration for her and it makes us want to be even better parents for Paige.

Since those first meetings, we emailed at least weekly, and ended up texting a bunch too. It was hard if a few days went by without contact, it felt like there was a void. I began to feel like Meg Ryan in "You've Got Mail" and loved anytime I saw her name flash across my computer screen or my phone. For 6 months, we shared a common interest, the baby, as well as tons of personal facts, insights, goals, dreams, anything you could imagine. One particularly fun email exchange transpired as we came up with the name "Paige Ryann," a mix between our favorite and Olivia's favorite names. I had found the most perfect pen pal. I have over 60 pages of correspondence that will serve as a wonderful journal for  Mark and I, but also for Paige. It will be so awesome for her to read someday.

We usually met up at least once a month, we spent Mark's birthday together, a few more appointments, and were blessed to welcome Olivia into our home and see our lives first hand. She got to meet our family, our dog, our horses, and we ate at our favorite local joint. It was fun to share our lives with her and show her what things would be like for Paige. As the due date neared, Mark and I were wondering what things would be like at placement and after placement. Adoption isn't easy. Even though our experience had been so positive, there were no promises on how things would turn out. We knew that once that baby was born, things would become incredibly difficult. Adoption is emotionally draining and full of uncertainty. You are constantly on edge, evaluating every move, reading into what she says, what you say. That of course lessened a bit as things went on, but sometimes you can't help it. About a week before the birth, I received an email stating that after placement, Olivia would need time and space, and essentially wanted a closed adoption. While I understood this, I was really upset. I knew I would miss her. She had become a HUGE part of my life. I assumed that things would continue afterward. I understood why she felt that way, but it was still hard to hear. Mark and I told her we would support her in any way that we could and that we would always do what she needed us to do, no matter what that might be.

On Thursday the 12th, I got a call from Olivia. I was in the middle of a department meeting and was shocked to see my phone ringing--she isn't a caller but a texter, so I knew something was up. The original induction date was set for the 21st, unless she went on her own. I thought for sure she was calling to tell me she was in labor. I ran out to give her a call and she asked me what I was doing the following week. Silly girl, "My life revolves around you," I told her. She said they moved her induction date up to the 14th and we would have a baby on the 15th. I was floored, all the sudden it seemed so close and so real. We knew we had a baby coming, but now it was less than a week and I felt so unprepared. The days crept by and finally it was Tuesday and time to head down. She was being induced late, so we just wanted to get there early enough to wish her luck and give her our best wishes. The weather was terrible, and the agency decided they needed some things from us that day and wanted us to pick some things up, which they ended up not having when we got there....ugghh! It made us late and we had 5 minutes to give our well wishes. I didn't even have time to get her the flowers I wanted. We showed up empty handed, and she gave US a gift. Really?!?! Gosh, made me feel so terrible. She made wooden "P" for Paige's nursery, so cute and so sweet.

Her mom told us they would call in the morning to keep us updated, but they were planning on breaking her water at 9. I didn't sleep at all, and when I got a call at 9, she told us Olivia was dilated to a 5. She said she would let us know when things got closer. The next few hours were TORTURE. I thought she was progressing faster, it ended up being a raw deal and she was progressing fast until a nurse stopped her labor... long story, but yeah. Mark and I killed time at Temple Square and decided to eat lunch at the Lion House. My aunts happened to be working and their sweet boss treated us to lunch since it was our lucky day. Right after sitting down, I get a call to hurry fast, the baby was coming. Mark and I ran to our car, which almost killed Mark, it was a good thing we were going to the hospital. Mark's poor lungs aren't quite what they used to be. We got to the hospital and were put in an extra room, and waited. We had no idea what was going on, if she was here. Finally, her mom and close family friend came in and told us we had the most beautiful baby. It was really emotional. We all hugged, and I cried. It just seemed too good to be true. It was a crazy feeling. They told us Olivia needed some more time, but then we would be invited in. Walking down the hallway to meet our baby was surreal. We walked into the room and our two angels were there, together. Olivia asked if I wanted to hold Paige and I was scared. She was soooooo cute. It was love at first sight. Mark held her and said, "She is the most amazing thing I have ever seen." It was true!

We didn't stay too long, we didn't want to overstay our welcome and knew Olivia needed rest. We planned to bring her dinner later that night. It was so hard to burn those few hours, we couldn't wait to get back. We brought her dinner and had the best time visiting with some of the greatest people you could ever imagine, but only stayed about an hour. It was so hard to leave that night, and I couldn't help but think how hard it would be to "leave" permanently. My heart ached for Olivia and the thoughts she must be having. Later that night, we got a text that said they needed space and if it was ok, could we stand to wait until placement to come back to the hospital. This was different than the original plan. Once again, I understood, but it really didn't make it easier. Thursday was one of the hardest days of my life. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, and I had a million thoughts going through my head. I never want a day like that again! After a full day of uncertainty, I got a call from a social worker saying things were ok and placement would be Friday at 2. That was a good phone call.

Friday ended up being the hardest day ever. It was nerve wracking to know we would start out the day with the two of us, and end it with the three of us. It was still a little nerve wracking, but we got a call at 11:30 AM saying she had signed the papers. Once again, my heart ached for her. I prayed she would be comforted and that she was doing ok. When we got to the hospital to sign our papers, we could see how upset her mother and close friend were, and we knew we were in for a ride. Placement was the hardest thing I have ever done. I will never forget that moment. It was gut wrenching and so emotional. It didn't go as planned and was honestly terrible. We felt so happy, but so, so terrible. Bittersweet doesn't even begin to describe it. I hope Paige never ever doubts how much Olivia loves her, it was evident that there could not be a more loving mother. She loves Paige, so much she wanted to give her more than she could give. She wanted Paige to have a father in her life among other things, but I know this was a big one. Paige is one lucky little girl, there are A LOT of people out there that love Paige and look out for her daily. I was sad that things were this tough, especially knowing I wouldn't hear from Olivia and I wouldn't know if she was going to be ok. At that moment, I wasn't sure if she was going to be. After a rather ridiculous debriefing that was somehow supposed to help Mark and I know what we were doing, we were discharged and we made our way to our hotel---with a screaming, poopy, hungry newborn. We were thrown right into the fire--but we figured it out.

We spent the first night at a hotel, and the next few nights at my aunt's waiting for ICPC. It was so hard those first few days. We had promised to send daily updates to Olivia the first week, and I was nervous about the first one, hoping I had delivered what she had wanted. I got an email from her mom saying that maybe the semi-closed adoption wasn't what was wanted anymore and if it was ok, could we change that up? Olivia was hurting and needed to heal differently than originally planned. I was so glad and responded with a resounding YES! After a few days, I heard from Olivia, and let me tell you, I felt so much better. I needed to hear from her, I needed to know that while she wasn't ok yet, there was hope she would be. Mark and I had some guilt and felt incredibly bad. We love Paige, but we love Olivia too, and it isn't fun to know someone you love is hurting deeply. Like I said, there really isn't anything easy about adoption. It is beautiful and I am so grateful for our situation and things couldn't be better, but it hasn't made it easy. Mark left on Sunday to go back to work, and fortunately my mom and little brother were with me at this point. Getting ICPC passed was a great feeling, and knowing we would be together, as a family, home for Christmas, was the greatest feeling ever! We couldn't have asked for a better Christmas.

I invited Olivia to come up to visit and spend the day with us at Paige's newborn shoot. I once again realized how wonderfully blessed I was. Olivia is so special and being together, with Paige, was so perfect. I loved spending that day together, and documenting it forever with a wonderful photographer. It was a magical day! I am so grateful things are the way they are and that Olivia changed her mind. It has been better for all of us. And there you have it, that is our story in a nutshell. I know it is long and I am sorry if it bored you. I wanted it down for my own journal purposes, and someday for Paige. There are even more ins and outs, but at least the basics are there. Adoption is part of Heavenly Father's plan, and I have seen His hand in this from the beginning. We all know that Paige is where she is supposed to be, and I am so grateful for a courageous birthmom who turned a hard situation into a wonderful miracle. Birthmothers deserve so much respect and often do not get it. They are brave, loving, incredible women who make some heart-wrenching sacrifices because they love their children. What a selfless act! I will forever be indebted to my special angel. She gave us the greatest gift and did something for us we could not do for ourselves. Words really can't express what she means to us. She is our hero, she is Paige's hero, and Paige's guardian angel. Paige will always have two mother's who love her. She also has an amazing birth grandmother whose hands will not be forgotten in this process. Already this little girl has touched countless hearts, and hopefully her story will inspire others and help shed a positive light on adoption.

We have so much to be grateful for at the close of this year and the beginning of a new one. We have wonderful family and friends who have been with us every step of the way and have made this possible. Writing last year about 2009 being a cruddy year is just insane now. I never imagined on that post, wishing 2010 to bring progress into my life, that I would get so much progress in such a hard fought way. Be careful what you wish for right? But I wouldn't change a thing. I have never grown so much and adversity has its benefits. It is a wonderful teacher. The Lord sometimes asks much, but he gives so much more in return. His hand has been so evident in our lives, it is astounding. He is mindful of each one of us personally. I know that. The adventure is just beginning for us and we can't wait to see what else we have in store. It is hard to see Paige changing so fast, but like her birthmother said, she has a special mission in this life, and I can't wait to see her grow up and see what an incredible woman she is sure to become.

My little angel sleeping in her crib for the first time. She is a champ and actually loves it. Hurray!