Story Continued.....

I believe I left off making plans to meet our sweet angel birthmother.  Have you ever met someone and felt like you have been forever friends? It had only been about two weeks since we had been corresponding, but it seemed like we had been talking to each other for years, and that we knew each other so well. I was so nervous, but very excited to meet our angel. Mark and I had been glued to our email account and loved any piece of information we got. Mark was basically living in Utah at the time for radiation treatments. Funny that this ended up being a huge blessing for us. When we first learned insurance coverage was going to force Mark away from home, we were really upset. However, in the long run, it allowed us to spend a lot of time with our birthmother, Olivia.

The day was a Friday. I worried about my first impression, I was worried about saying something stupid because that is one of my many talents. I was worried about a lot of things. We sat in the boardroom at the agency waiting for our time together. The social worker came in and prepped us with a list of questions Olivia wanted to ask us. We in turn gave her a list of questions for her. I had spent the last few days making a gift for Olivia, and was really excited to give it to her, but nervous she would analyze it too much. I am really good at worrying--one of my greatest talents in fact. The awesome part? All my fears were so unfounded and as soon as Mark and I walked into the room, Olivia and I wrapped up each other in a huge hug, like long lost friends being reunited. I felt like we could have talked for hours and conversation flowed great. I was a little nervous still, but a good nervous. I love that she wasn't nervous at all! It is so her, strong, brave, bold, and unafraid about being herself. She is such a great example to me! At the end of the 2 hours, we had to say goodbye, but she blessed us by inviting us to her upcoming ultrasound--just a few days later. An ultrasound to confirm the gender. We were so excited!

The following Wednesday, Mark and I met Olivia and her mother, Melissa at the doctor and experienced one of the most amazing things ever, seeing our little GIRL for the first time. We felt so privileged to be invited there, to be allowed  there. It was incredible to see feet, hands, a cute little face, and a healthy baby. Afterwards, Olivia gave us an infant bracelet and a letter I will never forget. It is one of my most prized possessions. She wrote Mark and I the most amazing letter, explaining why she chose us to parent her baby. I bawled reading words I really never thought would come, Mark was driving and asked me to read it aloud. Yeah right! Somehow, I was able to get through it enough for him to get the picture. We were on our way to meet Olivia and Melissa for ice cream. I had to compose myself enough to see her, but Olivia could tell I was a mess and just gave me a hug. We had a wonderful visit, without a social worker, and just enjoyed all being together. It was absolutely one of the best days of my life. I believe that open adoption is an incredible blessing when it works out this way. I feel like we got a two in one deal and I have not only a beautiful daughter, but a forever friend. We feel so much love and admiration for her and it makes us want to be even better parents for Paige.

Since those first meetings, we emailed at least weekly, and ended up texting a bunch too. It was hard if a few days went by without contact, it felt like there was a void. I began to feel like Meg Ryan in "You've Got Mail" and loved anytime I saw her name flash across my computer screen or my phone. For 6 months, we shared a common interest, the baby, as well as tons of personal facts, insights, goals, dreams, anything you could imagine. One particularly fun email exchange transpired as we came up with the name "Paige Ryann," a mix between our favorite and Olivia's favorite names. I had found the most perfect pen pal. I have over 60 pages of correspondence that will serve as a wonderful journal for  Mark and I, but also for Paige. It will be so awesome for her to read someday.

We usually met up at least once a month, we spent Mark's birthday together, a few more appointments, and were blessed to welcome Olivia into our home and see our lives first hand. She got to meet our family, our dog, our horses, and we ate at our favorite local joint. It was fun to share our lives with her and show her what things would be like for Paige. As the due date neared, Mark and I were wondering what things would be like at placement and after placement. Adoption isn't easy. Even though our experience had been so positive, there were no promises on how things would turn out. We knew that once that baby was born, things would become incredibly difficult. Adoption is emotionally draining and full of uncertainty. You are constantly on edge, evaluating every move, reading into what she says, what you say. That of course lessened a bit as things went on, but sometimes you can't help it. About a week before the birth, I received an email stating that after placement, Olivia would need time and space, and essentially wanted a closed adoption. While I understood this, I was really upset. I knew I would miss her. She had become a HUGE part of my life. I assumed that things would continue afterward. I understood why she felt that way, but it was still hard to hear. Mark and I told her we would support her in any way that we could and that we would always do what she needed us to do, no matter what that might be.

On Thursday the 12th, I got a call from Olivia. I was in the middle of a department meeting and was shocked to see my phone ringing--she isn't a caller but a texter, so I knew something was up. The original induction date was set for the 21st, unless she went on her own. I thought for sure she was calling to tell me she was in labor. I ran out to give her a call and she asked me what I was doing the following week. Silly girl, "My life revolves around you," I told her. She said they moved her induction date up to the 14th and we would have a baby on the 15th. I was floored, all the sudden it seemed so close and so real. We knew we had a baby coming, but now it was less than a week and I felt so unprepared. The days crept by and finally it was Tuesday and time to head down. She was being induced late, so we just wanted to get there early enough to wish her luck and give her our best wishes. The weather was terrible, and the agency decided they needed some things from us that day and wanted us to pick some things up, which they ended up not having when we got there....ugghh! It made us late and we had 5 minutes to give our well wishes. I didn't even have time to get her the flowers I wanted. We showed up empty handed, and she gave US a gift. Really?!?! Gosh, made me feel so terrible. She made wooden "P" for Paige's nursery, so cute and so sweet.

Her mom told us they would call in the morning to keep us updated, but they were planning on breaking her water at 9. I didn't sleep at all, and when I got a call at 9, she told us Olivia was dilated to a 5. She said she would let us know when things got closer. The next few hours were TORTURE. I thought she was progressing faster, it ended up being a raw deal and she was progressing fast until a nurse stopped her labor... long story, but yeah. Mark and I killed time at Temple Square and decided to eat lunch at the Lion House. My aunts happened to be working and their sweet boss treated us to lunch since it was our lucky day. Right after sitting down, I get a call to hurry fast, the baby was coming. Mark and I ran to our car, which almost killed Mark, it was a good thing we were going to the hospital. Mark's poor lungs aren't quite what they used to be. We got to the hospital and were put in an extra room, and waited. We had no idea what was going on, if she was here. Finally, her mom and close family friend came in and told us we had the most beautiful baby. It was really emotional. We all hugged, and I cried. It just seemed too good to be true. It was a crazy feeling. They told us Olivia needed some more time, but then we would be invited in. Walking down the hallway to meet our baby was surreal. We walked into the room and our two angels were there, together. Olivia asked if I wanted to hold Paige and I was scared. She was soooooo cute. It was love at first sight. Mark held her and said, "She is the most amazing thing I have ever seen." It was true!

We didn't stay too long, we didn't want to overstay our welcome and knew Olivia needed rest. We planned to bring her dinner later that night. It was so hard to burn those few hours, we couldn't wait to get back. We brought her dinner and had the best time visiting with some of the greatest people you could ever imagine, but only stayed about an hour. It was so hard to leave that night, and I couldn't help but think how hard it would be to "leave" permanently. My heart ached for Olivia and the thoughts she must be having. Later that night, we got a text that said they needed space and if it was ok, could we stand to wait until placement to come back to the hospital. This was different than the original plan. Once again, I understood, but it really didn't make it easier. Thursday was one of the hardest days of my life. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, and I had a million thoughts going through my head. I never want a day like that again! After a full day of uncertainty, I got a call from a social worker saying things were ok and placement would be Friday at 2. That was a good phone call.

Friday ended up being the hardest day ever. It was nerve wracking to know we would start out the day with the two of us, and end it with the three of us. It was still a little nerve wracking, but we got a call at 11:30 AM saying she had signed the papers. Once again, my heart ached for her. I prayed she would be comforted and that she was doing ok. When we got to the hospital to sign our papers, we could see how upset her mother and close friend were, and we knew we were in for a ride. Placement was the hardest thing I have ever done. I will never forget that moment. It was gut wrenching and so emotional. It didn't go as planned and was honestly terrible. We felt so happy, but so, so terrible. Bittersweet doesn't even begin to describe it. I hope Paige never ever doubts how much Olivia loves her, it was evident that there could not be a more loving mother. She loves Paige, so much she wanted to give her more than she could give. She wanted Paige to have a father in her life among other things, but I know this was a big one. Paige is one lucky little girl, there are A LOT of people out there that love Paige and look out for her daily. I was sad that things were this tough, especially knowing I wouldn't hear from Olivia and I wouldn't know if she was going to be ok. At that moment, I wasn't sure if she was going to be. After a rather ridiculous debriefing that was somehow supposed to help Mark and I know what we were doing, we were discharged and we made our way to our hotel---with a screaming, poopy, hungry newborn. We were thrown right into the fire--but we figured it out.

We spent the first night at a hotel, and the next few nights at my aunt's waiting for ICPC. It was so hard those first few days. We had promised to send daily updates to Olivia the first week, and I was nervous about the first one, hoping I had delivered what she had wanted. I got an email from her mom saying that maybe the semi-closed adoption wasn't what was wanted anymore and if it was ok, could we change that up? Olivia was hurting and needed to heal differently than originally planned. I was so glad and responded with a resounding YES! After a few days, I heard from Olivia, and let me tell you, I felt so much better. I needed to hear from her, I needed to know that while she wasn't ok yet, there was hope she would be. Mark and I had some guilt and felt incredibly bad. We love Paige, but we love Olivia too, and it isn't fun to know someone you love is hurting deeply. Like I said, there really isn't anything easy about adoption. It is beautiful and I am so grateful for our situation and things couldn't be better, but it hasn't made it easy. Mark left on Sunday to go back to work, and fortunately my mom and little brother were with me at this point. Getting ICPC passed was a great feeling, and knowing we would be together, as a family, home for Christmas, was the greatest feeling ever! We couldn't have asked for a better Christmas.

I invited Olivia to come up to visit and spend the day with us at Paige's newborn shoot. I once again realized how wonderfully blessed I was. Olivia is so special and being together, with Paige, was so perfect. I loved spending that day together, and documenting it forever with a wonderful photographer. It was a magical day! I am so grateful things are the way they are and that Olivia changed her mind. It has been better for all of us. And there you have it, that is our story in a nutshell. I know it is long and I am sorry if it bored you. I wanted it down for my own journal purposes, and someday for Paige. There are even more ins and outs, but at least the basics are there. Adoption is part of Heavenly Father's plan, and I have seen His hand in this from the beginning. We all know that Paige is where she is supposed to be, and I am so grateful for a courageous birthmom who turned a hard situation into a wonderful miracle. Birthmothers deserve so much respect and often do not get it. They are brave, loving, incredible women who make some heart-wrenching sacrifices because they love their children. What a selfless act! I will forever be indebted to my special angel. She gave us the greatest gift and did something for us we could not do for ourselves. Words really can't express what she means to us. She is our hero, she is Paige's hero, and Paige's guardian angel. Paige will always have two mother's who love her. She also has an amazing birth grandmother whose hands will not be forgotten in this process. Already this little girl has touched countless hearts, and hopefully her story will inspire others and help shed a positive light on adoption.

We have so much to be grateful for at the close of this year and the beginning of a new one. We have wonderful family and friends who have been with us every step of the way and have made this possible. Writing last year about 2009 being a cruddy year is just insane now. I never imagined on that post, wishing 2010 to bring progress into my life, that I would get so much progress in such a hard fought way. Be careful what you wish for right? But I wouldn't change a thing. I have never grown so much and adversity has its benefits. It is a wonderful teacher. The Lord sometimes asks much, but he gives so much more in return. His hand has been so evident in our lives, it is astounding. He is mindful of each one of us personally. I know that. The adventure is just beginning for us and we can't wait to see what else we have in store. It is hard to see Paige changing so fast, but like her birthmother said, she has a special mission in this life, and I can't wait to see her grow up and see what an incredible woman she is sure to become.

My little angel sleeping in her crib for the first time. She is a champ and actually loves it. Hurray!