Fasting Thoughts

I know most, if not all of you read this blog to see how Mark is doing. He is doing well, and there is no big changes so I thought I would post tonight about some things that have been on my mind lately. Mark and I sometimes sit back and try to make sense of things, myself probably more than Mark. He has more faith and trust than I do. This week my thoughts have centered around life's journey and lessons. It really doesn't make much sense at times. During Fast and Testimony meeting, I was struck with the realization that so much can happen in a month. Last month, we wanted to hold a special fast for our adoption, this month, our mind was in a completely different place. This is not exclusive to Mark and I. In seconds, we have seen countries recently rocked by quakes and thousands of lives changed.

When I consider all the events that seemed to fall in place beautifully for an adoption, it blows my mind that our road has changed so much. Why "waste" all that time and energy on that route only to see it abruptly hit a wall? I had a friend jokingly tease Mark about where his righteous living has gotten him. I sometimes, in anger, smirk at that irony myself. Why do we try so hard to figure things out and work so hard to do the right thing when so often, it seems in vain. At the end of the day, I feel like I have lacked understanding, been totally off base, and I am completely confused, especially when I really thought I was doing the right thing.  As I have mentioned before, the young women in our ward are reading the Book of Mormon to earn a trip to the General Young Women's meeting later this month. Many of them are reading and not understanding. I am sure they get frustrated with the challenge. I feel like the leaders have tried to teach them the importance of reading just to read, to get it done. I hope when they finish, they realize that at 12 years old, it isn't crucially important that they understood each word, that they grasped 2nd Nephi, but that they did it. They were obedient and they read it cover to cover. After preaching that to them throughout the process, it hit me this Fast Sunday that I needed to take my own advice.

It doesn't matter if I understand the whys or the whats that Mark and I will specifically learn from this experience. We (meaning mostly Mark) are confident that things will all be well in time, and sometimes I get hung up on what that actually means. I have no idea whether my idea of "all things well' is the same as the master plan, but maybe that isn't the important thing. I just need to be doing the right things whether I understand or not where they will take me. Perhaps this "righteous living" hasn't completely gotten us where we think we want yet, but where will it get us? I am beginning to understand more fully that this Gospel has never been and never will be about instant gratification. I loved Elder Bednar's October 2009 Conference talk on consistency. He talked about having family home evening and scripture study in their home and how there was not one defining spiritual moment, it was about the journey: "The consistency of our intent and work was perhaps the greatest lesson—a lesson we did not fully appreciate at the time." Through this ordeal, I am struggling with that particular lesson. I have to remind myself to take things one step at a time, be a little more obedient, and have a little more faith, even if I don't necessarily like the way it is being taught. I am not always thrilled about how things are going, but I am recommiting myself to being consistent and not worrying about the whys or the details.

Rarely, if ever, do we comprehend all the answers. There are some Gospel principles I grasp, but many more I do just because I am told to and I figure there must be some merit in just being obedient. I believe I know that in the end, it really will all be well. There are days and times when the Spirit witnesses that I am on the right path, and there are glimpses of the happiness in store. I doubt I know the extent of that happiness and how well all will be. If I did, this wouldn't be much of a struggle or a learning process.

Ok, off the soap box and back to life updates. Mark and I were able to make it to the cabin this weekend and we had an amazing time! It was fun to kick back and relax somewhere besides our house. Mark claims to get sick of our "bat cave" once in awhile. It is hard for me to imagine that (ahem), but since he is the cancer patient, what he says goes:) We had great food, good games, and the greatest company. I learned not to discount the first graders, one was directly responsible for our team putting down 2 out of 3 games of Sequence. I have never won Sequence at my parent's house; I think it is because I am usually paired with Mark and he never wins anything. Here is picture proof of my point. Mark is getting the Mario Kart beatdown!

Even the little one seems to be concerned that Mark can't place better than fourth. Mark, as long as you win the important battles, I will be satisfied.

Apparently, I have been quite enthralled with this post. Mark thought he heard a car door slam and went to check it out. As he walked through the kitchen he noticed some cookies on the kitchen table. Our trusty "guard dog" didn't even alert us to the fact that some eight year old neighbor girl knocked three times and busted into our kitchen. Slightly alarming, but quite funny. She left Mark a wonderful note of encouragement. We love our ward family! Even our primary kids are amazing. Shortly after the cookie bandit struck, we received this picture of two young men showing a different kind of support...

How cute are they!?! I noticed at church today a few other of the primary boys were sporting similar styles. We love you guys!