Wild America

Because I am bit lazy, and too cheap to buy a new camera, all photos come from my phone. Which means they are never any good. Anyhow, since you can't tell from the picture, these are some moose that decided to hang out in our backyard for a couple of weeks. One had a busted up leg that honestly, hurt to watch. On this particular evening, I saw these guys, two Canadian geese, two sand hill cranes, a bald eagle and a falcon fighting for the same meal, a golden retriever, and a cat hunting mice. Oh, and a blonde, crazy three year old. Seriously, it was bordering a PBS nature show out there.  All in all, I felt it was  pretty good representation of what my life has been like lately. WILD. Even the wind has been wild. Why? Why must it blow every. single. day. Why must it be freezing cold all the time? I am turning into a wild, caged animal. And so is my baby. I've listened to her talk to herself most of the day today and I fear we are both on the brink of insanity.

 

Things have greened up nicely since this picture was taken, but it isn't any warmer. Paige had a wild streak for a few weeks where she was pretty much unhappy no matter what you tried to do. If you look at her face in this picture, you will see she is crying. Crying because despite the fact she is loving riding Tucker, it was all for naught without her pink cowgirl hat. The wind was blowing and it wouldn't stay on her head, and I guess Tucker doesn't like pink. Fearing a flying pink cowgirl hat wouldn't go over well, I told Paige she couldn't wear it while riding. Thus, Mom ruined the ride.

She forgave me and spent the rest of the evening picking these "flowers" for me. I get lots of flowers these days. It kind of melts me. Now every pocket in every jacket I own is full of flowers.

 

I made Mark take Paige to the Easter hunt. I had this irrational fear she would go and get stampeded by older kids fighting for eggs and wouldn't be scrappy enough to get any. I couldn't handle the idea of watching her crest fallen face as her basket remained empty. Since they broke the hunt into age groups and put a limit on eggs per kid, my fears were unfounded and I ended up missing Paige enjoy her very first hunt. Oh well. Mark took good pictures and Paige told me all about it. She was really excited about Easter this year and the Easter Bunny. It is one of my favorite things about her getting older. It is fun to see her get excited about things, participate, and understand things more and more.

 

 

We fed the missionaries later that night and Paige was in one of her ornery moods. They gave this great scripture puppet show and still couldn't get her to crack a smile.

 

Paige is also in this phase where she won't just do a normal smile for me. I thought the Bunny was creative this year bringing more activity minded surprises and less candy. Paige wasn't as excited and sulked about any new thing we tried to get her to enjoy.

 

 

One such gift was a kite, and I was quite excited to fly a kite with Paige. I loved kite flying as a kid. I feel like this is something my dad and I did a lot together. I also got many a rainbow unicorn kite stuck in trees and power lines. I always felt tremendous guilt over this. Someone should have informed me inanimate objects don't have feelings. Since we have the perfect kite flying backyard, I felt like Paige wouldn't have these worries and we could blissfully enjoy some wind. Mark was a first time kite flier...seriously. Anyway, after getting it up in the air for them, Mark and Roxy were the only ones excited about the event. Paige wasn't impressed. She has yet to be impressed. She does request I fly it now and then. I find it strangely relaxing. I guess Happy Easter to me! 

 

Paige just loves Hagen. I just had to throw this picture in for cuteness.

 

 

My little brother graduated from BYU, and I represented our entire family for him. Poor guy. Can't believe he is headed to Notre Dame soon. Paige and I went down and stayed with her birth family. We had such a fun girls weekend. Paige's birth grandma, Melissa, watched her for me while I went to graduation. Such a blessing not to have to take her to the ceremony. Melissa then became my fashion consultant and took me shopping. I seriously needed this. I have no idea how to dress like an adult woman. Somehow, she convinced me to buy pink, skinny, cropped pants. Seriously not sure what she drugged me with. They did in fact come home with me and I have actually worn them. I feel stupid in them, but I wear them.

 

I taught myself to French braid, and I have to tell ya, sometimes I do pretty good. I had to document her cute hair.

 

Paige likes to "rope" with Mark, but always complained about not having a tiny rope. We got her this goat tying string in hopes it would satisfy her. She seems happier, and she makes one cute cowgirl, but it still doesn't do what she wants it to. I am not sure what she has conjured up in her mind.

 

On a cold, windy day, we passed these flowers on the way into the store. I was surprised they were alive, but they also reminded me of my mom. Mom always planted red geraniums in her flower beds and made sure she snatched her favorite color early. Paige insisted we stop and smell them. She is pretty good at reminding me to enjoy the little things in life.

 

We have the greatest friends who make sure to include us in their family gatherings. I feel so intrusive, but am so glad they let us come. We always have such a great time. Paige makes herself right at home. She crawls on "Grandma Patti's" lap, inserts herself into cousin pictures, and overall just blends herself right in.

 

Miss Paige has been a pretty good mommy lately. I love hearing her talk to her baby. Take her to the store, make her oatmeal, feed her milk, and put her down for naps. I love when Paige talks to herself and to her toys. I just overheard her say "excuse me miss." Cracks me up to hear what she comes up with in that imagination of hers.

 

 

I have often alluded that we have been going through some interesting challenges lately, and I feel like Paige's baby maybe a good transition. In February we contacted through a lawyer, who we actually really like, with an expectant mom who was due May 5th. Initially we were really excited about this baby boy and felt like it was something we should do. We contracted and committed ourselves to the situation. As time went on, things got a bit rough and it became obvious that it was not the situation for us. Ultimately the match fell through, and it was really difficult, but we also knew it was for the best. It is really hard knowing that there is a possibility for a baby and to realize and recognize it isn't meant to be. I think the hardest part is figuring out what the plan is, what is the plan for our family and am I doing my part? I feel like I am super on board with being obedient to His will, I just often times wish I knew how to recognize better what that might be. I learned the hard way that I can't let my desires, wishes, and impatience dictate what happens. I am not in charge, and I am sure it is better that way. So onto work gaining more faith, trust, and keeping a positive attitude and hope that things will work out the way that they are supposed to, in His time. Ahh. Easier said than done. I cope by trying to give myself diabetes by eating far too much junk food.

 

In the meantime, I am working on following President Uchtdorf's council given in Conference. I loved his talk about having an attitude of gratitude, gratitude IN things not FOR things. Learning to be grateful even in times of sorrow, or when things don't go our way. I know that if I could follow this advice that life would be so much more joyous and filled with less worry and anxiety. On that note, Paige really is quite the little character and gives me so many reasons to be happy. Mother's Day used to be so dreaded, and it brings a wide range of emotions even now, but I couldn't help but feel gratitude that I have one special little girl who brings me lots of joy, an incredible birth family that has given me this opportunity, an amazing mom, grandma, and other people I view as mothers in my life. Paige can make me tired, test my patience, and melt my heart all at the same time. She is my life, and being her mother has taught me so much.

 

Here are a few funny things she has said lately:

 

I was playing the piano and she walked in behind me. She stood there for a second and then said, "That song is amazing Mom!"

 

I was doing her hair and told her it was ridiculously messy. She turned around and said, "Ya, it IS ridiculous!"

 

When asked to participate in Primary and dance, she replied, "No thank you, I don't dance."

 

After having a bit of diarrhea, I came in to wipe her and said told her it was kind of a mess, she may have diarrhea. She said, "Hmmm, diarrhea, RIGHT!"

 

I asked her today if she knew how much I loved her. She told me "Ya, I know you did when I was just a little kid." She has told me about "when she was just a kid" a few times today.

 

She sang with all the Primary kids in sacrament meeting yesterday for the first time. Mark and I feared she would not get up there. When we told her it was time, she marched right on up, leading the way, and then was very disappointed she didn't get to use the microphone. From there, attention waned, but she did end up singing and got most of the words right.

 

I showed her a picture of President Monson and asked who it was. "It's Jesus"

"Nope, try again"

"Boppa" (grandpa)

"Nope, try again"

(a little exasperated) "It's a guy"

 

Hmm......yep you're right, it is a guy!

 

She will ask for something and I will tell her no. She then replies that she wants and needs it. I remind her I said no. She then tells me, "Well, I say yes" Little miss attitude.

 

She is continues to be the pickiest eater and is now surviving on peanut butter and bread, with raspberry jam. No other flavor satisfies her. And she is brand specific. She will also eat cheese rolls from Taco Bell. We keep them in business. She will force herself to throw up if I make her try anything else or anything new. Lovely.

 

She is constantly asking me if I think something is "tool" (cool) "Is this tool Mom?"

 

Out of the blue last week, she asked me if I got the blue little ball back. I had no idea what she was referring to me. She then explained, "Did you get the blue ball back from the doctor? I need it." Yes, she is referring to the craft ball she stuck up her nose, that was indeed blue, that was extracted by the doctor. No Paige. I let him throw that way.

 

And my favorite. I often hear: "I love you so much, Mom"

 

 

 

 



Slowly Spring

Life has been a bit of a whirlwind lately. It's been tough, really tough. I have learned some pretty hard lessons, and am still learning a few more. At times I feel like I may just implode while my skin is exploding with breakouts. It's been a pretty emotionally draining time to say the least. I'm trying to learn to be ok with the fact I may never understand or have the answers I wish to have, but someone else does and I can trust in that and leave it in His hands. Some days I feel like I am so on board with that lesson and riding high, other times I feel like a total failure. Sigh. What I do know, is that I have absolutely no control so the quicker I learn THAT lesson the better off I will be:).

Other than that jumble of fun, we haven't been up to a whole lot. The weather hasn't been cooperating real well and we are feeling some spring fever big time. Paige and I were able to get out and walk a day or two last week and enjoyed the little adventure. Paige loves the river bottoms. She now calls it the forest and warns me about the lions lurking about. We have tried to hit up the park a few times as well, and Paige's swing addiction is back with vengeance. Pushing her has become my new form of wrist physical therapy. I got sore ole paws after that activity! Mark and I have done some touch up painting (whoo hoo) and the big highlight on our project list was meeting with a landscaper and making some plans for the rock pile out here. I couldn't be happier about spending a large amount of money to have some professional yard service done. It is no small job and I am beyond ready to have some grass and beautification. The evil voice in my head wants to go big or go home and let them go all out while I watch from the window. I love to maintain the yard, but putting it all in sounds awful. And I really would love to have the whole package out there, grass, trees, shrubs, flowers, bark. I want it all, and I want it all now! However, since I am NOT willing to sell Paige or my right arm in order to have the funds I would need to make that happen, looks like we will be tackling one thing at a time over the next couple of years. Grass gets top priority and I hope that at some point this summer Paige and I will be enjoying some lovely green grass!

 

Paige loves me to read her stories, and I love reading to her. However, I draw the line at deep Gospel doctrine books. She was pretty upset I said no when she brought this to me. She kept telling me it had great pictures.

 

About a week ago we were able to catch up with Paige's birth mom. That is always time well spent and we love her so much. Paige and Liv got to spend some one on one time and I think they both had a blast. In fact, Paige was fairly upset when time was up. She's one lucky little girl who has a whole lot of love in her life!

 

Paige loves Yo Gabba Gabba and begs me for a doll every time she spots one in Old Navy. I 've gotten pretty good at saying no for various reasons, one of which was the ugliness of said doll. Since Paige peed her pants on our little trip and we were completely unprepared for such an occurrence, Liv had to take Paige shopping for some new drawers. Liv gets the luxury of spoiling Paige and I am pretty sure Paige could sense that Liv will probably always say yes haha. Paige got new pants and she finally came home with Muno. Muno has since been an obsession and goes wherever Paige goes. I must admit, the whole thing makes me smile and now this ugly little doll reminds me of one beautiful birth mom! It's a win.

 

Paige loves when Dad gets home from work. He isn't very good at sitting still, and neither is she, so they find some sort of odd job to keep them busy. After puttering outside for a bit, I noticed the dad, the daughter, and the dog headed out to catch the horses from the pasture. It made me pretty happy.

 

Last night they played farmer and harrowed the pasture on what Mark only wished was an actual tractor. Paige was pretty much a popsicle after that adventure. Idaho springtime.

 

I love when I can hear Paige playing with her toys. While I was cooking dinner, I could hear Paige talking and singing away upstairs. When I made it up there, this is what I found. She sure loves her stuffed friends and had lined them up so nicely to watch her little show. Cracks me up.

 

 

Another great moment with her friends.

 

 

And last but not least, the reason why Paige and I are seriously coveting grass.

Sunshine

Time is cruising and I am falling further and further behind. Hopefully I can regurgitate what we have been up to while I still remember it! Life has treated us well lately, and spring is trying to peak it's head through the clouds and wind. Thank goodness, bring on the sun! I am just a happier person when the sun is shining and the air is warm. Feels so good to get out.

Horses have somewhat monopolized our life lately....and I am ok with that! The ponies have been at pony camp all winter, and since they are coming home soon, we have made the most of riding time with Sherman our trainer, or as we like to call him, the horse whisperer. It has been nice to go out and ride with him. I have learned so much and my confidence grows with each ride. I feel like he has helped me to understand Tucker better and how to get the most out of him. What I love most about riding is what it teaches me about myself. I enjoy building a relationship with my horse and I am learning to recognize the reasons behind his actions and what to do about it. Can't get enough of learning! We have definitely created a monster in Paige and she loves to go out and ride as much as any of us. She thinks she is big and should get to ride Tucker all by herself. When she does, the first thing she asks to do is run. Paige is catching the riding bug, and even asked if she could ride Roxy the other day. Pretty sure the dog would love that! With Mark's big Christmas gift around the corner, he wanted to get some practice sessions in before heading off to roping school. We thought this particular day was a pretty spectacular since we only needed one coat out at the arena. My face did get sunburnt which honestly I embraced. Paige rode on the four wheeler and pulled the heel-o-matic for hours. Unfortunately, Mark learned all his practice was in vain....haha! More on that to come. We spent two Saturdays with Mark's buddy Chad hoping Mark could get a good handle on things. Good thing we just enjoy being out there together with good company!

While I was busy packing and cleaning in preparation for our little excursion, I noticed Paige found a great new toy holder. Bring on the stainless steel fingerprints! Totally worth the smile this brought though.

As a refresher, being the awesome wife that I am, and equally convincing my friend to be an awesome wife, we got the hubby's a few days in Arizona at a roping school with Mike Beers, who is a world champion roper. It gave us all something to look forward to. Initially it was supposed to be a guys trip, but they loved us enough to insist we join them and I am glad! It was so nice to get out of the cold and enjoy perhaps the most fabulous weather ever. Like seriously, heaven. Low 80s, little to no breeze. And when I say breeze, I mean actual breeze not Idaho breeze which, let's face it, doesn't exist. We only have wind and hurricane wind. While the boys spent the hours 9-4 roping, the wives enjoyed a little R and R. We left our kids in good hands, with the exception of little Hayes. He sure is a cute baby and has an amazing temperament. One happy content little dude! Hayes was an absolute pleasure to have around. Mandi---ya did good! We rented a vacation home that was pretty much out of our league. I felt all sorts of fancy buzzing into the gated community. Mandi and I enjoyed running on the scenic streets and waving to the BMWs or golf carts that whizzed by. The house, the area, were just perfect!

Bruce, Mark, Mike Beers, and Weston. We started off strong insisting we get a "first day of school" photo. The boys were fairly embarrassed. I thought they looked nice all cowboyed up and holding shiny new ropes!

This baby is cute. Even with his eyes closed, even with the his scary pale friend.

After dropping off the guys, we soon realized we had no agenda. I failed on the travel agent side of things. Since we had time to kill, we decided to make the trek down to the Gilbert temple. I was pretty much blown away by pictures I had seen from the dedication and was dying to see it in person. It didn't disappoint.. Lovely. One of my favorite temples ever.  Didn't hurt that the weather was just gorgeous. It made for a nice stroll!

 

I have decided that I feel awkward when posing. I notice now that I do this strange lean thing that somewhat results in a hunchback effect. Mandi steals the show and saves the photo with her beautifulness. This shot isn't too bad, the ones Mandi later took of Mark and I are just plain sad.



On one of our morning runs, we came across this lovely scene. Dead diamond back, dead mouse. Hmmm. We spent the rest of the run trying to piece together that mystery and also watching our steps a  bit more. It had been a long time since I ran, and had gone on a run I actually enjoyed. I actually quite enjoyed my morning runs with Mandi. The weather was so great and the area so beautiful, you couldn't help but to soak it in, even while sweating and gasping for air. I'm not sure how this happens,

but we ran uphill way more than we ran downhill.

Another picture of our neighborhood which hugged this golf course. Ya, I could move there. I'm fairly certain my only way into that neighborhood will be to clean the houses of the fabulously wealthy. And I am ok with that. I can clean!

Mark and Bruce on the final day of school. Mark said it was pretty humbling. Mike Beers isn't afraid to tell ya you do it wrong. Mark apparently got humbled a bit more than the others, and got to buy two shiny red ropes since Mike cut his first one to teach him a lesson. All of his practice had been in vain since Mike informed them all that their swings were entirely wrong.  Nice. In the end, they all agreed they were better than when they came. Mark claims to have even caught 8 in a row. I think they had a good time and consider the trip to be a success.

Mark in the box looking really serious.

Once roping school was all done, we were once again at a loss as to what to do. We did lots of poolside sitting, lots of eating, lots of nothing---just what I needed! The boys weren't quite as down with sitting around so the last night we decided to hit up the Mesa temple. It was just nice to enjoy a good walk in the sun, admiring actual blooming plants. Ok, so now can you see what I mean? I am doing a weird lean thing. I think Mark makes it worse cuz he really pulls ya in close for those pictures!

 

Our friends Coy and Emilee watched Paige for us while we were gone. I've said it before but I will say it again, we are blessed to have great friends! Paige was so excited to go to their house. I was praying she would be a good girl and not drive them too crazy. It is always harder to watch other people's kids than your own. And let's face it, Paige is fairly certain she is in charge of everyone. Emilee swears she was a good girl, even though at one point Paige told Emilee to 'leave her sister alone!" Paige latched onto 10 year old Bailee. She slept in her bed and I am sure followed her around endlessly. At one point, Bailee got in trouble with Emilee and Paige was not having it! See---Paige is completely sure she is the boss.

 

 

This is beyond cute. Holding hands, snuggling up. Paige needs siblings, in the meantime I am grateful we have great friends to help her fill the void!

 

Besides our little excursion, life has been a bit hectic lately. I maybe developing an ulcer haha. Just kidding---kind of. I feel like I am learning a lot of lessons, the hard way. Definitely a time of growth which is good. I am realizing I do not have all the answers and that is ok. I am trying to have more faith and trust that someone else does and that He knows what is best. I wish I was better at recognizing what His will was and was better about aligning myself with it. I suppose that is all part of what I am trying to learn and there is no easy way to do it. Mandi gave me the greatest blessing yesterday by allowing me to go to the temple. I needed it so badly. While I am not entirely sure it solved all my problems, I greatly needed the peace and safety I felt inside. I actually cried walking in. I was just so happy to be there! Growing pains are hard, but I appreciate them. I need them. I need to do better, to be better, to progress.

 

As always, Paige continues to bring much joy and laughter into our home. My favorite things lately:

 

1. Talking to her on the phone while on our trip. I am never on the receiving end of her phone conversations and it was so fun to hear her cute little voice and to hear her tell me she "loves me so much."

 

2. When I tell her it is time for bed, or time to go to the gym, or to church, she now trots herself over to the clock on the side table. Gives it a good look and informs it isn't time yet. Not sure what she is seeing and processing. Mostly I think she is just certain she is the boss and even time bows to her command.

 

3. After church she waited until Mark and I were changing out of our church clothes, slid a chair to the fridge, grabbed a can of frosting, and helped herself to a spoon. This is completely my fault. Yes, I eat frosting with a spoon. More regularly since it satisfies my sweet tooth and is easy to eat with braces. I made the mistake of letting Paige share in the moment. One day she told me frosting was like yogurt. No, Paige, not like yogurt! I have felt a substantial loss discovering the grocery store no longer carries Rainbow Chip frosting. It is now called Rainbow Sprinkles and has stupid sprinkles you can add on top. I want the traditional multi colored chips people!

 

4. When I tell her she can't play on the iPad or have a treat, she informs me I need to share. Hard to explain myself out of that at times.

 

5. She continues to love makeup and told me the other day her lips didn't match her shirt.

 

6. She loves kids and will go up to anyone she feels like is her size and ask "will you play with me?" So sweet. She implores me with the same question and it's impossible to turn her down. Other kids don't have a problem saying no and it always tugs my heart a bit.

 

7. Thanks to FaceTime with my parents, Paige now thinks anytime you are on the phone you can see what is going on. She will hold up things to the phone all the time.

 

8. The kid likes to sing and dance and I love to watch it. Today "Let it Go" played over and over and she sang along each and every time. Love hearing actual words and laughing when she has no clue what the words are.

 

9. She loves animals and loves to play fetch with Roxy and loves to pet the cat. She is as excited about nice days as I am and now asks if it is a nice day. She continues to think fishing is the greatest of all activities. If I ask what we should do, that is what she tells me. Mind you, we have never been fishing. Looks like we need to! Mark likes to, and it is easily accessible, but she's three and it isn't something on my top list to do. Apparently Paige thinks that needs to change.

 

 



 



Bleak

It has been a month since my last post, but it really has felt much longer. I have had little desire to catch up for multiple reasons. First, I think my computer is dying. Now that I have an Ipad, I rarely want to fire up the slow, laborious laptop to do anything. Since it takes forever to update things, I don't---which I think is ultimately why blogger likes to send me an error anytime I try to do ANYTHING. Nothing in my life seems important enough to jump through all those hoops! For the last two weeks I dreaded transferring photos from my phone to the computer. Laziness anyone? I finally convinced myself to tackle the project since it is 9:00 and Paige is still asleep. I wish she would let me know when she plans on sleeping in so I can! The past few days she has rolled into our room 7-7:30ish which is a good half hour to hour earlier than she usually wakes up. Yes, I know I am spoiled but I enjoy being spoiled folks! Paige has learned so many awesome tricks this last month and I am not a fan.

First, this happened:

 

Paige is officially in her big girl room. I have not decorated it an ounce. I was hoping to have it all sorts of cute before the big move, but when Paige started standing on top of her crib rails I decided she was just going to have to move to the land of desolation. She does pretty awesome, but some unanticipated problems have arose. Paige has discovered she can reach the cords for the blinds and loves opening and closing them---at all hours. She can now reach the light switches to turn things on, but is too short to then turn anything off. When I go in to check on her before I go to bed, the blinds are open, the lights are on, and she is drooling on her duvet cover. I can now reach her to kiss her on her forehead which has been a nice plus as I gingerly try to reposition her back into a normal sleeping position. Paige is back to taking naps, as long as I will lay down by her until she falls asleep. Usually this results in naptime for both of us. Not a huge complaint there....however, she wants someone to lay down with her at night. Mark was obliging until I shot that idea down. We are not making a habit of that! Since birth, Paige has been the greatest nighttime routine gal I've ever known. Bedtime was rock solid, easy as pie. Not about to rock that boat and digress. I only concede at naptime, because well, I HAVE TO HAVE naptime. I hope she's ten and takes naps.

 

This next section is a homage to how cute Paige is. Really, besides her ridiculous cuteness, this month has been incredibly long, cold, and fairly dull.

 

 

The girl loves a new hairdo and I have to say I was slightly impressed my abilities this Sunday. I can not do my own hair and I was pretty nervous that any girl I maybe in charge of raising would always look homeless. While my technique is entirely made up, I am able to accomplish the task at hand and it usually looks pretty good.

 

Paige came out of the womb with monkey toes. In her early days, she was pretty good at using those babies for unintended purposes. Once she began to walk and use her toes as nature intended, I felt like we left those less desirable talents behind. That is until I saw her play Hungry Hippos in a whole new way. On a side note, whoever thought it was a good idea to put one yellow marble in that game should be shot. The amount of tears shed by children of all ages over that marble is astounding. Paige cries for an entirely different reason. Rather than caring if her hippo actually eats the yellow marble, she is obsessed with the yellow hippo eating the yellow marble. No game starts until she manually shoves it down the poor yellow hippo's throat. Since I understand this, our games are fun-filled marble eating adventures. When others come by who aren't as knowledgeable about the way things work around here, mass chaos  and breakdowns ensue.

 

While I can now go to the bathroom alone, Paige has discovered this is the perfect opportunity to help herself to treats and cookies that used to be safe on the counter. I caught her and Minnie red handed chomping down on some breakfast cookies.

 

After watching the Olympics, I was inspired by the Swedish, Norway, Dutch blonde hair blue eyed look and channeled Paige's inner milkmaid. She pulled it off rather well and worked the camera pretty good.

 

This outfit was super styling until Mark took Paige out on some errands to the local Cal Ranch. Apparently Paige needed to look the part and discovered she owned a John Deere hat and that it actually now fits her. She insisted Mark let her wear it, and she wore it with pride, striking yet another pose in the dog food aisle. While I can empathize with hat wearing, pink cords and modeling are not things I have personal experience with.

 

 

Two of my brothers came up for President's Day weekend and we had ourselves a mini reunion. It was nice to have family around. I had quite the crew at church and for the first time in a long time I felt like I had some "peeps". I've never really had a house full of company and it was a first for me. It is definitely work, but oh so worth it. I was shocked how quiet and lonesome things felt once everyone left. This little man looks so much like his daddy---a pleasant change around these parts. Mark's family possesses some seriously strong genetics and his family all look very related. I never felt like my family looked like each other at all. None of us look like my parents or each other. Besides having blonde hair, moles, and varying degrees of bad eyes, our similarities kind of come to an end. The second generation has strongly supported this trend and I feel like all my nephews look like their moms. The only binding force is an unfortunate food allergy epidemic. Enter Bennett. This kid looks exactly like his dad and can eat most anything. Score!

 

Speaking of genetics, I think it is safe to say my parents reached deep into their genetic waste bins when creating me. Seriously. I am not sure how this happened since I am the middle child. Shouldn't the youngest get all the leftovers? Sadly, my little brother rocks some pretty stellar attributes and I am left feeling fairly robbed. While it maybe safe to say I suffer with poor self-esteem, (confession--totally battle this, always have, always will it seems) the fact that I've inherited some pretty awesome genes cannot be overlooked. We started the year off at the eye doctor where I learned my already legally blind status somehow got worse---by an entire power in both eyes. The good news is I win the prize as the most near sighted person the doctor sees. The bad news is that coupled with how abnormally large my unattractive eyeballs are, this increases my risk of retina detachment. That sounds not good. I was given a new prescription and quite shocked with how much nicer the world looked. I also felt a lot of gratitude that I was not born 100 years ago as I would not have survived being a pioneer.

 

Paige drew me this self portrait and I am not going to lie---it is fairly accurate:

 

 

All eyes people. All eyes. Totally cute coming from her, offensive coming from anyone else. Yes, I am speaking to you nurse midlife lady who announced to the whole waiting room I must have a thyroid problem manifested by my protruding eyes. Thanks, I am totally healthy (minus high cholesterol and serious mental problems).

 

 

And for the third time I am rocking these. This has been embarrassingly tragic for me. I often felt like crawling into a hole before, and now I seriously just want to hide. Between residual acne and braces I feel like I am reliving the awkward teen years, and quite honestly I wonder if I have ever left them behind. Recently, a friend posted a video from a high school homecoming date. Fortunately I had a soccer game that day and only made an appearance to eat dessert post dance. Unfortunately, as each observer poked fun at their dress, braces, and awkwardness I had to laugh as I picked food out these while rocking my high school soccer sweatshirt. I realize there are worse problems than braces, but goodness I feel ugly. And miserable. Were these that uncomfortable in high school or am I lightweight in my old age? And apparently my hygiene wasn't as important in high school because I wasn't afraid to eat and eat in public. Eating anything without collecting it for hours seems impossible. After two days, I attempted my first real meal and enjoyed some Chinese food. I then enjoyed Chinese food again for dinner 6 hours later. Eating feels like so much work anymore, and I guess in a round about way I shall exhibit more self control than I knew I had. I have discovered that frosting and cookie dough are some of the easier and cleaner menu items so touting self-control maybe premature.

 

Oh and in case you caught a glimpse of dark hair in the picture above, yes I am rocking this do:

 

 

I am currently on the 8 month hair plan. I rarely get to go into the salon anymore. I finally decided enough was enough. I took in great picture of a nice blonde with lowlights. Apparently there was some miscommunication. I was shocked at the big reveal. Mark really likes it and I was fairly grateful that while it wasn't what I envisioned, it wasn't green. My hair looks healthier dark and so it stays until it fades enough that going back to blonde won't totally destroy it. I have now posted two selfies that hide the majority of my face....I may have a few self image problems!

The Daily Grind

 

Oh January. You're as amazing as forecasted. Sometimes I feel like I just survive this month. I can't believe I haven't updated in so long, but I'm afraid to say you haven't missed much! I'm grateful that February is just around the corner.

 

 

The brightest part of the month as always. I love this little girl. She is officially a Sunbeam and apparently takes that literally. Sometimes I feel so inadequate and so undeserving. I often feel selfish that I can only "watch this Mom" so many times in any given day. I know someday she won't clamor for my undivided attention. That she won't always think spinning, dancing, hopping, jumping, making faces, riding her roller coaster, or eating is exciting and show worthy. I need to be better at playing and crafting and whatever with her!

 

Along with the "watch me" phase has come the "take a picture" phase. She wants me to take a picture of just about everything. We were headed out to run errands and she insisted on a snapshot. Kind of glad she did, this has been a favorite picture of mine!

I don't know if it's boredom or if she is just getting older and more imaginative, but Paige has been pretty good at playing with her toys and creating her own stories and fun. It's kind of great that she will go and play on her own. I am fairly certain she thinks her toys are real. She will become fascinated with certain toys for a few days and then it switches gears and we are obsessed with something else for a few days. I love catching her when she isn't aware I'm looking. She was carefully helping her friends with tea on this occasion.

 



 

She came up with this all on her own and it just makes me smile. Olivia is a pretty big deal around here. Not the show, just this little doll. She wormed her way to church today, but decided it was safer to stay in the car thank goodness.

 

We watch far too many shows in the winter. No mom of the year prize here. I think we can all feel our brain cells dying. Paige lined up her friends so nicely for some Dora. The best was the two dog figurines that Paige was gifted. Totally glass collectibles (using "collectibles" loosely. Maybe for someone?) that she treated as stuffed friends. Needless to say they didn't last long. No love lost and I suppose they provided a few days of bliss.

 

My highlight of the month came with the removal of these pins. The last two weeks were terribly uncomfortable. I was worried this journey had all been in vain. I was more sore in the final weeks than I was the entire time, even right after surgery. I think partly because my body was tired of the foreign objects, and partly because they took my cast off and I was in a brace. It allowed just enough movement to catch and bump these all day long. I think the ends were very superficial and bumped the metal support in my brace. Wonderful feeling. I felt better the very day these babies came out. It has only been a few days and I'm still a bit bruised and sore from the procedure and very stiff and weak. Hopefully things get better with time and I can be patient enough to not do anything stupid.

 

Rabbit was this weeks obsession and I found him in the corner late one night when I checked on a sleeping Paige. When I asked her about it the next morning she informed me he had been naughty, biting and hitting his friends. Paige scooped him up and lectured him about good choices and asked if he was ready to be nice. Apparently he agreed and was allowed out of timeout. If only timeout was this effective with Paige. She rather enjoys it. The threat to leave her places is also ineffective. She would often rather stay. I feel like I am outwitted by a three year old daily.

 

 

In other news, I was released from Primary after 2 years and I get to go to Relief Society for almost the first time ever. I am pretty excited to teach oddly enough. I know it will push me and I am excited for the change. I am ashamed to say that I had allowed myself to get pretty lazy with my testimony. I am also the new stake athletic director, not sure if I am as excited about that as it will be a bit of a time commitment, but it is time I was less selfish and lazy with my time I suppose. Mark decided to help out with Relay for Life this year and is the event chair---no easy task. I'm proud of him for giving back and looking for ways to serve the community. They are still in need of some board members, so if interested, let us know! I know it would be a huge blessing to all involved.

 

Paige continues to say the darndest things. One night while running errands with Mark, she asked him if they could go see boys, he was fairly worried. She likes to tell me she is my best girl and that I am hers. Sometimes she will tell me she wants to be a little boy for the day. She LOVES to dance and has some pretty great moves. She continues to be the pickiest eater. I will give her some lunch and she will say "Mom, I need something yum." That translates to your food is gross and I want treats. She told my parents on FaceTime that yellow snow is pee snow and we shouldn't eat it. Paige loves stories and has "The Big Hungry Bear and the Red Ripe Strawberry" memorized. I need to be better at writing things down.  I always think I will remember when it comes time to blog, and I don't. They are often so simple and out of the blue. I marvel at how grown-up she seems.

 

We are nearing a year since we were home study approved. I can't believe it. More importantly, I can't believe they are only good for a year and I will have to update everything all over again. I don't know if it is that little gem or the fact that it seems like forever, but lately I feel like the wind in my sails is dying. I feel like fear runs my life most days. I fear nothing will ever happen, and I fear something WILL happen and I will have two kiddos when I often wonder if I'm very good with one. We had two possible opportunities even before we began our home study. Obviously they didn't pan out, but it means that adoption has been a journey for about 2 years now. I was so anxious this summer and fall for something to happen, and I don't feel that sense of urgency anymore. I think part of it is discouragement, and I think the other part is realizing things are pretty comfortable right now and my life is pretty good. Part of me feels like I am protecting myself and talking myself out of things I can't control. At any rate, the strongest emotions I feel on any given day are fear and guilt. I hate them both! I also know the only one that can change anything is me. I guess in a way I worry that by accepting the way things are, and maybe even enjoying things the way they are, means that I am giving up or not doing what I should--that I'm selfish. Every scenario feels like a two edged sword and I often wonder if there is a way to "win". Sorry for the ramble. I'm certain that makes no sense to anyone but me, and quite honestly paints a pretty ugly picture of myself. All really is well and I am certainly blessed. No need to call the Boys and Girls hotline or anything. I am really learning to enjoy the daily grind, I just need to make sure I am also making good use of it. Always room to improve right?!