The Daily Grind

 

Oh January. You're as amazing as forecasted. Sometimes I feel like I just survive this month. I can't believe I haven't updated in so long, but I'm afraid to say you haven't missed much! I'm grateful that February is just around the corner.

 

 

The brightest part of the month as always. I love this little girl. She is officially a Sunbeam and apparently takes that literally. Sometimes I feel so inadequate and so undeserving. I often feel selfish that I can only "watch this Mom" so many times in any given day. I know someday she won't clamor for my undivided attention. That she won't always think spinning, dancing, hopping, jumping, making faces, riding her roller coaster, or eating is exciting and show worthy. I need to be better at playing and crafting and whatever with her!

 

Along with the "watch me" phase has come the "take a picture" phase. She wants me to take a picture of just about everything. We were headed out to run errands and she insisted on a snapshot. Kind of glad she did, this has been a favorite picture of mine!

I don't know if it's boredom or if she is just getting older and more imaginative, but Paige has been pretty good at playing with her toys and creating her own stories and fun. It's kind of great that she will go and play on her own. I am fairly certain she thinks her toys are real. She will become fascinated with certain toys for a few days and then it switches gears and we are obsessed with something else for a few days. I love catching her when she isn't aware I'm looking. She was carefully helping her friends with tea on this occasion.

 



 

She came up with this all on her own and it just makes me smile. Olivia is a pretty big deal around here. Not the show, just this little doll. She wormed her way to church today, but decided it was safer to stay in the car thank goodness.

 

We watch far too many shows in the winter. No mom of the year prize here. I think we can all feel our brain cells dying. Paige lined up her friends so nicely for some Dora. The best was the two dog figurines that Paige was gifted. Totally glass collectibles (using "collectibles" loosely. Maybe for someone?) that she treated as stuffed friends. Needless to say they didn't last long. No love lost and I suppose they provided a few days of bliss.

 

My highlight of the month came with the removal of these pins. The last two weeks were terribly uncomfortable. I was worried this journey had all been in vain. I was more sore in the final weeks than I was the entire time, even right after surgery. I think partly because my body was tired of the foreign objects, and partly because they took my cast off and I was in a brace. It allowed just enough movement to catch and bump these all day long. I think the ends were very superficial and bumped the metal support in my brace. Wonderful feeling. I felt better the very day these babies came out. It has only been a few days and I'm still a bit bruised and sore from the procedure and very stiff and weak. Hopefully things get better with time and I can be patient enough to not do anything stupid.

 

Rabbit was this weeks obsession and I found him in the corner late one night when I checked on a sleeping Paige. When I asked her about it the next morning she informed me he had been naughty, biting and hitting his friends. Paige scooped him up and lectured him about good choices and asked if he was ready to be nice. Apparently he agreed and was allowed out of timeout. If only timeout was this effective with Paige. She rather enjoys it. The threat to leave her places is also ineffective. She would often rather stay. I feel like I am outwitted by a three year old daily.

 

 

In other news, I was released from Primary after 2 years and I get to go to Relief Society for almost the first time ever. I am pretty excited to teach oddly enough. I know it will push me and I am excited for the change. I am ashamed to say that I had allowed myself to get pretty lazy with my testimony. I am also the new stake athletic director, not sure if I am as excited about that as it will be a bit of a time commitment, but it is time I was less selfish and lazy with my time I suppose. Mark decided to help out with Relay for Life this year and is the event chair---no easy task. I'm proud of him for giving back and looking for ways to serve the community. They are still in need of some board members, so if interested, let us know! I know it would be a huge blessing to all involved.

 

Paige continues to say the darndest things. One night while running errands with Mark, she asked him if they could go see boys, he was fairly worried. She likes to tell me she is my best girl and that I am hers. Sometimes she will tell me she wants to be a little boy for the day. She LOVES to dance and has some pretty great moves. She continues to be the pickiest eater. I will give her some lunch and she will say "Mom, I need something yum." That translates to your food is gross and I want treats. She told my parents on FaceTime that yellow snow is pee snow and we shouldn't eat it. Paige loves stories and has "The Big Hungry Bear and the Red Ripe Strawberry" memorized. I need to be better at writing things down.  I always think I will remember when it comes time to blog, and I don't. They are often so simple and out of the blue. I marvel at how grown-up she seems.

 

We are nearing a year since we were home study approved. I can't believe it. More importantly, I can't believe they are only good for a year and I will have to update everything all over again. I don't know if it is that little gem or the fact that it seems like forever, but lately I feel like the wind in my sails is dying. I feel like fear runs my life most days. I fear nothing will ever happen, and I fear something WILL happen and I will have two kiddos when I often wonder if I'm very good with one. We had two possible opportunities even before we began our home study. Obviously they didn't pan out, but it means that adoption has been a journey for about 2 years now. I was so anxious this summer and fall for something to happen, and I don't feel that sense of urgency anymore. I think part of it is discouragement, and I think the other part is realizing things are pretty comfortable right now and my life is pretty good. Part of me feels like I am protecting myself and talking myself out of things I can't control. At any rate, the strongest emotions I feel on any given day are fear and guilt. I hate them both! I also know the only one that can change anything is me. I guess in a way I worry that by accepting the way things are, and maybe even enjoying things the way they are, means that I am giving up or not doing what I should--that I'm selfish. Every scenario feels like a two edged sword and I often wonder if there is a way to "win". Sorry for the ramble. I'm certain that makes no sense to anyone but me, and quite honestly paints a pretty ugly picture of myself. All really is well and I am certainly blessed. No need to call the Boys and Girls hotline or anything. I am really learning to enjoy the daily grind, I just need to make sure I am also making good use of it. Always room to improve right?!