Slowly Spring

Life has been a bit of a whirlwind lately. It's been tough, really tough. I have learned some pretty hard lessons, and am still learning a few more. At times I feel like I may just implode while my skin is exploding with breakouts. It's been a pretty emotionally draining time to say the least. I'm trying to learn to be ok with the fact I may never understand or have the answers I wish to have, but someone else does and I can trust in that and leave it in His hands. Some days I feel like I am so on board with that lesson and riding high, other times I feel like a total failure. Sigh. What I do know, is that I have absolutely no control so the quicker I learn THAT lesson the better off I will be:).

Other than that jumble of fun, we haven't been up to a whole lot. The weather hasn't been cooperating real well and we are feeling some spring fever big time. Paige and I were able to get out and walk a day or two last week and enjoyed the little adventure. Paige loves the river bottoms. She now calls it the forest and warns me about the lions lurking about. We have tried to hit up the park a few times as well, and Paige's swing addiction is back with vengeance. Pushing her has become my new form of wrist physical therapy. I got sore ole paws after that activity! Mark and I have done some touch up painting (whoo hoo) and the big highlight on our project list was meeting with a landscaper and making some plans for the rock pile out here. I couldn't be happier about spending a large amount of money to have some professional yard service done. It is no small job and I am beyond ready to have some grass and beautification. The evil voice in my head wants to go big or go home and let them go all out while I watch from the window. I love to maintain the yard, but putting it all in sounds awful. And I really would love to have the whole package out there, grass, trees, shrubs, flowers, bark. I want it all, and I want it all now! However, since I am NOT willing to sell Paige or my right arm in order to have the funds I would need to make that happen, looks like we will be tackling one thing at a time over the next couple of years. Grass gets top priority and I hope that at some point this summer Paige and I will be enjoying some lovely green grass!

 

Paige loves me to read her stories, and I love reading to her. However, I draw the line at deep Gospel doctrine books. She was pretty upset I said no when she brought this to me. She kept telling me it had great pictures.

 

About a week ago we were able to catch up with Paige's birth mom. That is always time well spent and we love her so much. Paige and Liv got to spend some one on one time and I think they both had a blast. In fact, Paige was fairly upset when time was up. She's one lucky little girl who has a whole lot of love in her life!

 

Paige loves Yo Gabba Gabba and begs me for a doll every time she spots one in Old Navy. I 've gotten pretty good at saying no for various reasons, one of which was the ugliness of said doll. Since Paige peed her pants on our little trip and we were completely unprepared for such an occurrence, Liv had to take Paige shopping for some new drawers. Liv gets the luxury of spoiling Paige and I am pretty sure Paige could sense that Liv will probably always say yes haha. Paige got new pants and she finally came home with Muno. Muno has since been an obsession and goes wherever Paige goes. I must admit, the whole thing makes me smile and now this ugly little doll reminds me of one beautiful birth mom! It's a win.

 

Paige loves when Dad gets home from work. He isn't very good at sitting still, and neither is she, so they find some sort of odd job to keep them busy. After puttering outside for a bit, I noticed the dad, the daughter, and the dog headed out to catch the horses from the pasture. It made me pretty happy.

 

Last night they played farmer and harrowed the pasture on what Mark only wished was an actual tractor. Paige was pretty much a popsicle after that adventure. Idaho springtime.

 

I love when I can hear Paige playing with her toys. While I was cooking dinner, I could hear Paige talking and singing away upstairs. When I made it up there, this is what I found. She sure loves her stuffed friends and had lined them up so nicely to watch her little show. Cracks me up.

 

 

Another great moment with her friends.

 

 

And last but not least, the reason why Paige and I are seriously coveting grass.

Sunshine

Time is cruising and I am falling further and further behind. Hopefully I can regurgitate what we have been up to while I still remember it! Life has treated us well lately, and spring is trying to peak it's head through the clouds and wind. Thank goodness, bring on the sun! I am just a happier person when the sun is shining and the air is warm. Feels so good to get out.

Horses have somewhat monopolized our life lately....and I am ok with that! The ponies have been at pony camp all winter, and since they are coming home soon, we have made the most of riding time with Sherman our trainer, or as we like to call him, the horse whisperer. It has been nice to go out and ride with him. I have learned so much and my confidence grows with each ride. I feel like he has helped me to understand Tucker better and how to get the most out of him. What I love most about riding is what it teaches me about myself. I enjoy building a relationship with my horse and I am learning to recognize the reasons behind his actions and what to do about it. Can't get enough of learning! We have definitely created a monster in Paige and she loves to go out and ride as much as any of us. She thinks she is big and should get to ride Tucker all by herself. When she does, the first thing she asks to do is run. Paige is catching the riding bug, and even asked if she could ride Roxy the other day. Pretty sure the dog would love that! With Mark's big Christmas gift around the corner, he wanted to get some practice sessions in before heading off to roping school. We thought this particular day was a pretty spectacular since we only needed one coat out at the arena. My face did get sunburnt which honestly I embraced. Paige rode on the four wheeler and pulled the heel-o-matic for hours. Unfortunately, Mark learned all his practice was in vain....haha! More on that to come. We spent two Saturdays with Mark's buddy Chad hoping Mark could get a good handle on things. Good thing we just enjoy being out there together with good company!

While I was busy packing and cleaning in preparation for our little excursion, I noticed Paige found a great new toy holder. Bring on the stainless steel fingerprints! Totally worth the smile this brought though.

As a refresher, being the awesome wife that I am, and equally convincing my friend to be an awesome wife, we got the hubby's a few days in Arizona at a roping school with Mike Beers, who is a world champion roper. It gave us all something to look forward to. Initially it was supposed to be a guys trip, but they loved us enough to insist we join them and I am glad! It was so nice to get out of the cold and enjoy perhaps the most fabulous weather ever. Like seriously, heaven. Low 80s, little to no breeze. And when I say breeze, I mean actual breeze not Idaho breeze which, let's face it, doesn't exist. We only have wind and hurricane wind. While the boys spent the hours 9-4 roping, the wives enjoyed a little R and R. We left our kids in good hands, with the exception of little Hayes. He sure is a cute baby and has an amazing temperament. One happy content little dude! Hayes was an absolute pleasure to have around. Mandi---ya did good! We rented a vacation home that was pretty much out of our league. I felt all sorts of fancy buzzing into the gated community. Mandi and I enjoyed running on the scenic streets and waving to the BMWs or golf carts that whizzed by. The house, the area, were just perfect!

Bruce, Mark, Mike Beers, and Weston. We started off strong insisting we get a "first day of school" photo. The boys were fairly embarrassed. I thought they looked nice all cowboyed up and holding shiny new ropes!

This baby is cute. Even with his eyes closed, even with the his scary pale friend.

After dropping off the guys, we soon realized we had no agenda. I failed on the travel agent side of things. Since we had time to kill, we decided to make the trek down to the Gilbert temple. I was pretty much blown away by pictures I had seen from the dedication and was dying to see it in person. It didn't disappoint.. Lovely. One of my favorite temples ever.  Didn't hurt that the weather was just gorgeous. It made for a nice stroll!

 

I have decided that I feel awkward when posing. I notice now that I do this strange lean thing that somewhat results in a hunchback effect. Mandi steals the show and saves the photo with her beautifulness. This shot isn't too bad, the ones Mandi later took of Mark and I are just plain sad.



On one of our morning runs, we came across this lovely scene. Dead diamond back, dead mouse. Hmmm. We spent the rest of the run trying to piece together that mystery and also watching our steps a  bit more. It had been a long time since I ran, and had gone on a run I actually enjoyed. I actually quite enjoyed my morning runs with Mandi. The weather was so great and the area so beautiful, you couldn't help but to soak it in, even while sweating and gasping for air. I'm not sure how this happens,

but we ran uphill way more than we ran downhill.

Another picture of our neighborhood which hugged this golf course. Ya, I could move there. I'm fairly certain my only way into that neighborhood will be to clean the houses of the fabulously wealthy. And I am ok with that. I can clean!

Mark and Bruce on the final day of school. Mark said it was pretty humbling. Mike Beers isn't afraid to tell ya you do it wrong. Mark apparently got humbled a bit more than the others, and got to buy two shiny red ropes since Mike cut his first one to teach him a lesson. All of his practice had been in vain since Mike informed them all that their swings were entirely wrong.  Nice. In the end, they all agreed they were better than when they came. Mark claims to have even caught 8 in a row. I think they had a good time and consider the trip to be a success.

Mark in the box looking really serious.

Once roping school was all done, we were once again at a loss as to what to do. We did lots of poolside sitting, lots of eating, lots of nothing---just what I needed! The boys weren't quite as down with sitting around so the last night we decided to hit up the Mesa temple. It was just nice to enjoy a good walk in the sun, admiring actual blooming plants. Ok, so now can you see what I mean? I am doing a weird lean thing. I think Mark makes it worse cuz he really pulls ya in close for those pictures!

 

Our friends Coy and Emilee watched Paige for us while we were gone. I've said it before but I will say it again, we are blessed to have great friends! Paige was so excited to go to their house. I was praying she would be a good girl and not drive them too crazy. It is always harder to watch other people's kids than your own. And let's face it, Paige is fairly certain she is in charge of everyone. Emilee swears she was a good girl, even though at one point Paige told Emilee to 'leave her sister alone!" Paige latched onto 10 year old Bailee. She slept in her bed and I am sure followed her around endlessly. At one point, Bailee got in trouble with Emilee and Paige was not having it! See---Paige is completely sure she is the boss.

 

 

This is beyond cute. Holding hands, snuggling up. Paige needs siblings, in the meantime I am grateful we have great friends to help her fill the void!

 

Besides our little excursion, life has been a bit hectic lately. I maybe developing an ulcer haha. Just kidding---kind of. I feel like I am learning a lot of lessons, the hard way. Definitely a time of growth which is good. I am realizing I do not have all the answers and that is ok. I am trying to have more faith and trust that someone else does and that He knows what is best. I wish I was better at recognizing what His will was and was better about aligning myself with it. I suppose that is all part of what I am trying to learn and there is no easy way to do it. Mandi gave me the greatest blessing yesterday by allowing me to go to the temple. I needed it so badly. While I am not entirely sure it solved all my problems, I greatly needed the peace and safety I felt inside. I actually cried walking in. I was just so happy to be there! Growing pains are hard, but I appreciate them. I need them. I need to do better, to be better, to progress.

 

As always, Paige continues to bring much joy and laughter into our home. My favorite things lately:

 

1. Talking to her on the phone while on our trip. I am never on the receiving end of her phone conversations and it was so fun to hear her cute little voice and to hear her tell me she "loves me so much."

 

2. When I tell her it is time for bed, or time to go to the gym, or to church, she now trots herself over to the clock on the side table. Gives it a good look and informs it isn't time yet. Not sure what she is seeing and processing. Mostly I think she is just certain she is the boss and even time bows to her command.

 

3. After church she waited until Mark and I were changing out of our church clothes, slid a chair to the fridge, grabbed a can of frosting, and helped herself to a spoon. This is completely my fault. Yes, I eat frosting with a spoon. More regularly since it satisfies my sweet tooth and is easy to eat with braces. I made the mistake of letting Paige share in the moment. One day she told me frosting was like yogurt. No, Paige, not like yogurt! I have felt a substantial loss discovering the grocery store no longer carries Rainbow Chip frosting. It is now called Rainbow Sprinkles and has stupid sprinkles you can add on top. I want the traditional multi colored chips people!

 

4. When I tell her she can't play on the iPad or have a treat, she informs me I need to share. Hard to explain myself out of that at times.

 

5. She continues to love makeup and told me the other day her lips didn't match her shirt.

 

6. She loves kids and will go up to anyone she feels like is her size and ask "will you play with me?" So sweet. She implores me with the same question and it's impossible to turn her down. Other kids don't have a problem saying no and it always tugs my heart a bit.

 

7. Thanks to FaceTime with my parents, Paige now thinks anytime you are on the phone you can see what is going on. She will hold up things to the phone all the time.

 

8. The kid likes to sing and dance and I love to watch it. Today "Let it Go" played over and over and she sang along each and every time. Love hearing actual words and laughing when she has no clue what the words are.

 

9. She loves animals and loves to play fetch with Roxy and loves to pet the cat. She is as excited about nice days as I am and now asks if it is a nice day. She continues to think fishing is the greatest of all activities. If I ask what we should do, that is what she tells me. Mind you, we have never been fishing. Looks like we need to! Mark likes to, and it is easily accessible, but she's three and it isn't something on my top list to do. Apparently Paige thinks that needs to change.

 

 



 



Bleak

It has been a month since my last post, but it really has felt much longer. I have had little desire to catch up for multiple reasons. First, I think my computer is dying. Now that I have an Ipad, I rarely want to fire up the slow, laborious laptop to do anything. Since it takes forever to update things, I don't---which I think is ultimately why blogger likes to send me an error anytime I try to do ANYTHING. Nothing in my life seems important enough to jump through all those hoops! For the last two weeks I dreaded transferring photos from my phone to the computer. Laziness anyone? I finally convinced myself to tackle the project since it is 9:00 and Paige is still asleep. I wish she would let me know when she plans on sleeping in so I can! The past few days she has rolled into our room 7-7:30ish which is a good half hour to hour earlier than she usually wakes up. Yes, I know I am spoiled but I enjoy being spoiled folks! Paige has learned so many awesome tricks this last month and I am not a fan.

First, this happened:

 

Paige is officially in her big girl room. I have not decorated it an ounce. I was hoping to have it all sorts of cute before the big move, but when Paige started standing on top of her crib rails I decided she was just going to have to move to the land of desolation. She does pretty awesome, but some unanticipated problems have arose. Paige has discovered she can reach the cords for the blinds and loves opening and closing them---at all hours. She can now reach the light switches to turn things on, but is too short to then turn anything off. When I go in to check on her before I go to bed, the blinds are open, the lights are on, and she is drooling on her duvet cover. I can now reach her to kiss her on her forehead which has been a nice plus as I gingerly try to reposition her back into a normal sleeping position. Paige is back to taking naps, as long as I will lay down by her until she falls asleep. Usually this results in naptime for both of us. Not a huge complaint there....however, she wants someone to lay down with her at night. Mark was obliging until I shot that idea down. We are not making a habit of that! Since birth, Paige has been the greatest nighttime routine gal I've ever known. Bedtime was rock solid, easy as pie. Not about to rock that boat and digress. I only concede at naptime, because well, I HAVE TO HAVE naptime. I hope she's ten and takes naps.

 

This next section is a homage to how cute Paige is. Really, besides her ridiculous cuteness, this month has been incredibly long, cold, and fairly dull.

 

 

The girl loves a new hairdo and I have to say I was slightly impressed my abilities this Sunday. I can not do my own hair and I was pretty nervous that any girl I maybe in charge of raising would always look homeless. While my technique is entirely made up, I am able to accomplish the task at hand and it usually looks pretty good.

 

Paige came out of the womb with monkey toes. In her early days, she was pretty good at using those babies for unintended purposes. Once she began to walk and use her toes as nature intended, I felt like we left those less desirable talents behind. That is until I saw her play Hungry Hippos in a whole new way. On a side note, whoever thought it was a good idea to put one yellow marble in that game should be shot. The amount of tears shed by children of all ages over that marble is astounding. Paige cries for an entirely different reason. Rather than caring if her hippo actually eats the yellow marble, she is obsessed with the yellow hippo eating the yellow marble. No game starts until she manually shoves it down the poor yellow hippo's throat. Since I understand this, our games are fun-filled marble eating adventures. When others come by who aren't as knowledgeable about the way things work around here, mass chaos  and breakdowns ensue.

 

While I can now go to the bathroom alone, Paige has discovered this is the perfect opportunity to help herself to treats and cookies that used to be safe on the counter. I caught her and Minnie red handed chomping down on some breakfast cookies.

 

After watching the Olympics, I was inspired by the Swedish, Norway, Dutch blonde hair blue eyed look and channeled Paige's inner milkmaid. She pulled it off rather well and worked the camera pretty good.

 

This outfit was super styling until Mark took Paige out on some errands to the local Cal Ranch. Apparently Paige needed to look the part and discovered she owned a John Deere hat and that it actually now fits her. She insisted Mark let her wear it, and she wore it with pride, striking yet another pose in the dog food aisle. While I can empathize with hat wearing, pink cords and modeling are not things I have personal experience with.

 

 

Two of my brothers came up for President's Day weekend and we had ourselves a mini reunion. It was nice to have family around. I had quite the crew at church and for the first time in a long time I felt like I had some "peeps". I've never really had a house full of company and it was a first for me. It is definitely work, but oh so worth it. I was shocked how quiet and lonesome things felt once everyone left. This little man looks so much like his daddy---a pleasant change around these parts. Mark's family possesses some seriously strong genetics and his family all look very related. I never felt like my family looked like each other at all. None of us look like my parents or each other. Besides having blonde hair, moles, and varying degrees of bad eyes, our similarities kind of come to an end. The second generation has strongly supported this trend and I feel like all my nephews look like their moms. The only binding force is an unfortunate food allergy epidemic. Enter Bennett. This kid looks exactly like his dad and can eat most anything. Score!

 

Speaking of genetics, I think it is safe to say my parents reached deep into their genetic waste bins when creating me. Seriously. I am not sure how this happened since I am the middle child. Shouldn't the youngest get all the leftovers? Sadly, my little brother rocks some pretty stellar attributes and I am left feeling fairly robbed. While it maybe safe to say I suffer with poor self-esteem, (confession--totally battle this, always have, always will it seems) the fact that I've inherited some pretty awesome genes cannot be overlooked. We started the year off at the eye doctor where I learned my already legally blind status somehow got worse---by an entire power in both eyes. The good news is I win the prize as the most near sighted person the doctor sees. The bad news is that coupled with how abnormally large my unattractive eyeballs are, this increases my risk of retina detachment. That sounds not good. I was given a new prescription and quite shocked with how much nicer the world looked. I also felt a lot of gratitude that I was not born 100 years ago as I would not have survived being a pioneer.

 

Paige drew me this self portrait and I am not going to lie---it is fairly accurate:

 

 

All eyes people. All eyes. Totally cute coming from her, offensive coming from anyone else. Yes, I am speaking to you nurse midlife lady who announced to the whole waiting room I must have a thyroid problem manifested by my protruding eyes. Thanks, I am totally healthy (minus high cholesterol and serious mental problems).

 

 

And for the third time I am rocking these. This has been embarrassingly tragic for me. I often felt like crawling into a hole before, and now I seriously just want to hide. Between residual acne and braces I feel like I am reliving the awkward teen years, and quite honestly I wonder if I have ever left them behind. Recently, a friend posted a video from a high school homecoming date. Fortunately I had a soccer game that day and only made an appearance to eat dessert post dance. Unfortunately, as each observer poked fun at their dress, braces, and awkwardness I had to laugh as I picked food out these while rocking my high school soccer sweatshirt. I realize there are worse problems than braces, but goodness I feel ugly. And miserable. Were these that uncomfortable in high school or am I lightweight in my old age? And apparently my hygiene wasn't as important in high school because I wasn't afraid to eat and eat in public. Eating anything without collecting it for hours seems impossible. After two days, I attempted my first real meal and enjoyed some Chinese food. I then enjoyed Chinese food again for dinner 6 hours later. Eating feels like so much work anymore, and I guess in a round about way I shall exhibit more self control than I knew I had. I have discovered that frosting and cookie dough are some of the easier and cleaner menu items so touting self-control maybe premature.

 

Oh and in case you caught a glimpse of dark hair in the picture above, yes I am rocking this do:

 

 

I am currently on the 8 month hair plan. I rarely get to go into the salon anymore. I finally decided enough was enough. I took in great picture of a nice blonde with lowlights. Apparently there was some miscommunication. I was shocked at the big reveal. Mark really likes it and I was fairly grateful that while it wasn't what I envisioned, it wasn't green. My hair looks healthier dark and so it stays until it fades enough that going back to blonde won't totally destroy it. I have now posted two selfies that hide the majority of my face....I may have a few self image problems!

The Daily Grind

 

Oh January. You're as amazing as forecasted. Sometimes I feel like I just survive this month. I can't believe I haven't updated in so long, but I'm afraid to say you haven't missed much! I'm grateful that February is just around the corner.

 

 

The brightest part of the month as always. I love this little girl. She is officially a Sunbeam and apparently takes that literally. Sometimes I feel so inadequate and so undeserving. I often feel selfish that I can only "watch this Mom" so many times in any given day. I know someday she won't clamor for my undivided attention. That she won't always think spinning, dancing, hopping, jumping, making faces, riding her roller coaster, or eating is exciting and show worthy. I need to be better at playing and crafting and whatever with her!

 

Along with the "watch me" phase has come the "take a picture" phase. She wants me to take a picture of just about everything. We were headed out to run errands and she insisted on a snapshot. Kind of glad she did, this has been a favorite picture of mine!

I don't know if it's boredom or if she is just getting older and more imaginative, but Paige has been pretty good at playing with her toys and creating her own stories and fun. It's kind of great that she will go and play on her own. I am fairly certain she thinks her toys are real. She will become fascinated with certain toys for a few days and then it switches gears and we are obsessed with something else for a few days. I love catching her when she isn't aware I'm looking. She was carefully helping her friends with tea on this occasion.

 



 

She came up with this all on her own and it just makes me smile. Olivia is a pretty big deal around here. Not the show, just this little doll. She wormed her way to church today, but decided it was safer to stay in the car thank goodness.

 

We watch far too many shows in the winter. No mom of the year prize here. I think we can all feel our brain cells dying. Paige lined up her friends so nicely for some Dora. The best was the two dog figurines that Paige was gifted. Totally glass collectibles (using "collectibles" loosely. Maybe for someone?) that she treated as stuffed friends. Needless to say they didn't last long. No love lost and I suppose they provided a few days of bliss.

 

My highlight of the month came with the removal of these pins. The last two weeks were terribly uncomfortable. I was worried this journey had all been in vain. I was more sore in the final weeks than I was the entire time, even right after surgery. I think partly because my body was tired of the foreign objects, and partly because they took my cast off and I was in a brace. It allowed just enough movement to catch and bump these all day long. I think the ends were very superficial and bumped the metal support in my brace. Wonderful feeling. I felt better the very day these babies came out. It has only been a few days and I'm still a bit bruised and sore from the procedure and very stiff and weak. Hopefully things get better with time and I can be patient enough to not do anything stupid.

 

Rabbit was this weeks obsession and I found him in the corner late one night when I checked on a sleeping Paige. When I asked her about it the next morning she informed me he had been naughty, biting and hitting his friends. Paige scooped him up and lectured him about good choices and asked if he was ready to be nice. Apparently he agreed and was allowed out of timeout. If only timeout was this effective with Paige. She rather enjoys it. The threat to leave her places is also ineffective. She would often rather stay. I feel like I am outwitted by a three year old daily.

 

 

In other news, I was released from Primary after 2 years and I get to go to Relief Society for almost the first time ever. I am pretty excited to teach oddly enough. I know it will push me and I am excited for the change. I am ashamed to say that I had allowed myself to get pretty lazy with my testimony. I am also the new stake athletic director, not sure if I am as excited about that as it will be a bit of a time commitment, but it is time I was less selfish and lazy with my time I suppose. Mark decided to help out with Relay for Life this year and is the event chair---no easy task. I'm proud of him for giving back and looking for ways to serve the community. They are still in need of some board members, so if interested, let us know! I know it would be a huge blessing to all involved.

 

Paige continues to say the darndest things. One night while running errands with Mark, she asked him if they could go see boys, he was fairly worried. She likes to tell me she is my best girl and that I am hers. Sometimes she will tell me she wants to be a little boy for the day. She LOVES to dance and has some pretty great moves. She continues to be the pickiest eater. I will give her some lunch and she will say "Mom, I need something yum." That translates to your food is gross and I want treats. She told my parents on FaceTime that yellow snow is pee snow and we shouldn't eat it. Paige loves stories and has "The Big Hungry Bear and the Red Ripe Strawberry" memorized. I need to be better at writing things down.  I always think I will remember when it comes time to blog, and I don't. They are often so simple and out of the blue. I marvel at how grown-up she seems.

 

We are nearing a year since we were home study approved. I can't believe it. More importantly, I can't believe they are only good for a year and I will have to update everything all over again. I don't know if it is that little gem or the fact that it seems like forever, but lately I feel like the wind in my sails is dying. I feel like fear runs my life most days. I fear nothing will ever happen, and I fear something WILL happen and I will have two kiddos when I often wonder if I'm very good with one. We had two possible opportunities even before we began our home study. Obviously they didn't pan out, but it means that adoption has been a journey for about 2 years now. I was so anxious this summer and fall for something to happen, and I don't feel that sense of urgency anymore. I think part of it is discouragement, and I think the other part is realizing things are pretty comfortable right now and my life is pretty good. Part of me feels like I am protecting myself and talking myself out of things I can't control. At any rate, the strongest emotions I feel on any given day are fear and guilt. I hate them both! I also know the only one that can change anything is me. I guess in a way I worry that by accepting the way things are, and maybe even enjoying things the way they are, means that I am giving up or not doing what I should--that I'm selfish. Every scenario feels like a two edged sword and I often wonder if there is a way to "win". Sorry for the ramble. I'm certain that makes no sense to anyone but me, and quite honestly paints a pretty ugly picture of myself. All really is well and I am certainly blessed. No need to call the Boys and Girls hotline or anything. I am really learning to enjoy the daily grind, I just need to make sure I am also making good use of it. Always room to improve right?!

 

 





Christmas

 I'm so sad Christmas is over. January has to be the most depressing month ever! We had such a fun Christmas and it's hard to know normal routine is right around the corner. Mark is usually CRAZY busy during the holidays because it is year end, but this year he was able to finish up all his deals the Friday before Christmas. For the first time in a few years, he has had a bunch of time off and it has be awesome! I've loved having him around. Christmas Eve was gorgeous and even though it was nice and clear, the temperature wasn't biting cold. Mark felt it was a good opportunity to introduce Paige to some sledding---country style. Paige was obsessed. She laughed and giggled the entire time. Mark pulled that crazy girl around for two and half hours and she still cried when it was time to stop.

 

 

She is pretty cute all bundled up. I ended up sitting on back of the four wheeler and catching some film filled with squeals and giggles.

 

 

Roxy loves the snow. She goes nuts and follows her nose a mile a minute. She has gotten pretty good about sticking close to home in the summer, but winter is a different story. If left to roam, she is long gone. When you do find her and call her home she totally ignores you and runs the other way. Mark whistles for her and Paige says "whoop whoop" since she can't whistle. Mark was laughing at her and yelled "Roxy whoop whoop" the other day and Paige freaked out. She told Mark that was her whistle and he needed to do his whistle. Either way, Roxy ignores them both! Roxy has enjoyed the sledding and sticks close enough to chase Paige around while we pull her. After two hours behind the four-wheeler, Mark and Paige slowed things down and tried some good old-fashioned hill sledding down the driveway.

 

We have awesome friends and they have invited us to crash their family parties lately. We feel so blessed to be a part and love every minute of it. I hope they realize how fortunate they are to have such a fun, large, loving family that all live nearby. Paige was a dove in the nativity and her little hat was too cute. She blended right in and barged her way into all sorts of family pictures

 

I woke up before everyone else Christmas morning and thought I'd set the mood. It was perfectly peaceful and beautiful.

 

I snapped this shot out my back window. All is calm. All is bright. Enjoying a few moments to myself was the perfect way to start the day.

 

This was the first year it was just the three of us on Christmas morning. We felt very small. With Paige getting older and more excited about things, it was a lot more fun and it reminded me of Christmas's when I was a kid with one exception, numbers. I love our little family, but in some ways it is really hard. I definitely felt like something was missing. Santa was pretty good to Paige and it was her turn every turn:) He brought me an iPad and Mark got a few days to a team roping school in Arizona. Santa was pretty excited about that gift, especially since he was smart enough to make sure Mark's best friend got the same thing so they could go together.

 

 

Paige's favorite gift came in the form of a fully equipped kitchen. I was able to FaceTime Mom and Dad so they could see her unwrap this. It was priceless. She immediately whipped them up some eggs. I hope she enjoys this for years to come.

 

As much as I hate the cold and snow, I love where we live. It's beautiful and there is a lot to do. The river flooded the pasture down in the bottoms and created this natural skating rink. Most of the water receded, but there is a huge 4 inch slab that our neighbor shoveled off. It is amazing how smooth and nice it is for being nature made. We may need to invest in some skates to enjoy our own private rink!

 

We had a wonderful Christmas and I really enjoyed the season this year, especially watching Paige truly enjoy it for her first time. It has been a difficult few weeks however, and I am working really hard on focusing on the positive and maintaining a hopeful attitude. I feel very discouraged at times and wish I could see the future. I am constantly reminding myself to enjoy the now, and that has been easy with so much to do. I have heard so many stories lately that are both scary and discouraging and it has been hard not to focus on them. I am not sure I could survive some of the experiences others have faced. I had to remind myself that while I have not been blessed with a baby this year, my Heavenly Father did save me a lot of heartache. Crushing heartache financially and emotionally. One situation we said "no" to ended up being a huge scam of sorts and honestly, I'm not sure I would have come through it in any positive way. I am fearful of January and things slowing down enough that I have too much alone time with my thoughts. I hope I can run on the optimistic fumes I have created the last little while to get me through it. Counting my blesses and focusing on things I do have sounds like just the right ticket.

Three

Three years ago, I became a blubbering crier during the Christmas season. Paige obviously changed our entire lives, but she also completely changed the way I felt about Christmas and specifically, the Nativity. Between her birthday and Christmas, I cry for a good two weeks straight. Cards, songs, sentimental commercials, kind words.....just about anything can bring me to tears. I have so many emotions. Three years ago, I witnessed the happiest sad.

As Liv's due date drew near, I was a nervous wreck. I was worried if placement would happen, how placement would happen, and I felt so much heartache for a moment I knew would be very, very hard(which I underestimated). Since we had been in contact with Liv for so many months, we had the chance to really build a bond. I love that girl ya'll! Initially, she wasn't so sure she wanted an open adoption, and while I respected that, I knew I would really miss her. She had become such an important part of my life and a best friend. Mark and I will never forget the moment we saw Paige for the first time, but what  sticks with me the most is placement day, and not in the ways you might expect. I honestly don't know if I can place that situation into words. Unless you've been there, it is difficult to understand. The excitement I felt was numbed by the most selfless, loving and hardest thing I've ever witnessed. It is the most loving sacrifice I have seen first hand. That event deepened my understanding of the Savior and my Heavenly Father and their sacrifice for us more than any other event in my life. Paige's birthday takes me back to the most emotionally charged days of my life. Within a matter of months we took cancer and adoption head on. I honestly don't know how I was sane at all! Perhaps my sanity is debatable.  Fortunately for me, Liv is still a part of our lives and my best friend decided to leave that door open. Just a second miracle that Christmas.

That Christmas, things just changed for me, and the people and events surrounding the Savior's birth meant so much more. I saw parallels between my personal miracle and THE Christmas miracle. A loving mother, a joyous birth, an "adoptive" father, sacrifice, glimpses into heaven, LOVE. I felt these things stronger and deeper than ever before. Christmas really is about the gift of a child. My heart is often turned to Mary. How incredible she must have been to be chosen to be His mother. All the different emotions and thoughts she must have had. Her inevitable heartache as she watched her Son make a sacrifice for all, the sacrifice she made as His mother watching him die for the rest of us. The amount of responsibility and fear that comes with being a new mom is hard anyway, but add knowing you were to mother the Savior must have been a bit daunting and humbling. The shepherds, watching the heavens open and celebrating the joy of his birth, making haste to see a babe lying in a manger. I wish I could have been a shepherd. Joseph and his love for Mary and her baby. I can't imagine his load was light, but he took it head on, understood his place, and did his best. A baby. A perfect, beautiful baby. The King of Kings came to Earth as a baby in the lowliest of circumstances. Believers who searched and sought for signs. A star that would witness His birth and saved the righteous from those who doubted the words of the prophets and sought to kill them unless the sign prophesied about appeared. What a wonderful joyous time.

I serve in Primary and love singing time all the more come Christmas time. Best. Songs. Ever. I cry weekly. All the kids love to sing them and Primary just feels different during the month of December. Today I was my usual emotional self when the Nursery decided to bring the kids that will be Sunbeams in for a test run. My goodness. Paige walked in and I was just a mess. I was given a tissue. How is she getting so big? Where did my baby go? Sacrament meeting rolled around and I wanted to cry for different reasons, but at that moment she just seemed like this little angel that in no way can be old enough to officially be in Primary, give talks, sing songs, and have a part in the Primary program. Sigh. I hope I've treasured my time with her enough. The last few weeks have been such a challenge with her. I often go to bed feeling so guilty, and honestly like a big old failure. Is it possible she has a split personality? Challenges of motherhood I guess.

Paige's actual birthday was fun. I missed my parents, but we were able to celebrate with all of Mark's family at the Christmas party the day before, and had friends over for cake on her actual birthday. She got plenty of love and attention. I tried to make her birthday extra fun and special this year since she was old enough to be excited about it.

I woke her up since it was Sunday and she gave me this look and then....

Rolled over and went back to sleep. Is she 3 or 15 people?!

I taped up this crepe paper on the bathroom door for her to bust through with joy, an idea I saw on Pinterest. Notice Paige's finger as she mulls over what she should do. She eventually crawled under it all. I had to convince her to run through it with me.

Since we were few on numbers, I grabbed some of her babies and put hats on them. This was actually a hit and she kept telling me her friends were there with hats on. They are very good friends. Quiet, no mess. Great party guests.

Since I am not exceptionally talented with two hands, I knew I would be an epic fail with one, so Mark picked out this great ice cream cake from DQ and Paige was beyond thrilled about her pink Rapunzel cake.

Paige's actual living friends came by for the party and they were infinitely better than her stuffed ones. We love Kallie, Cole, Hagen, and little Hayes. I got to snuggle that little newborn which was a gift for me:) Paige LOVES Hagen and was so happy he could come. Mandi's kids are adorable and spent all afternoon making Paige cards, coupon books with "inspirashun" dates, and presents. We got a kick out of them all, but the one below from Cole was especially awesome.

Haha! If you can't read that, it says: Paige you are a good kid you might get a brother or sister.

Awesome.

Paige's birth family sent her this cute card and a super fun outfit. Paige loves that her shirt has a "cake" on it and gets really excited about wearing it.

Paige always wants to ride in those bulky car carts that I can't maneuver in any way. I just needed to get a few things and the small cart didn't  have room for her to sit inside. I hoped by letting her walk it would lessen the disappointment of not getting the car cart. She instead found her own way to ride and was quite thrilled with herself.

Paige took this picture all on her own...her first selfie. She's just cute.