Insignificant Findings

As I was looking over my blog the other day, I was noticing my formatting or lack there of. I am not a fan of indenting my paragraphs apparently. I figure it is a gift I even separate them out anymore. I will get writing and notice I have one big paragraph....a big no-no! I go back and enter spaces. But, it reminded me of an assignment I did in third grade--which reminded me of many such assignments I had in elementary school that caused much grief and were graded with no mercy. Most of these lessons seemingly had no purpose, some I can find a slight purpose. Mostly I have found that despite the crazy amounts of importance my teachers placed on them, I have little use for them. I am not saying it wasn't good I learned these things, but being the ever perfectionist, I struggled with these assignments and the poor marks received were devastating. I loathed going to school and failing in these areas. Scarred me for life--tears over these lessons, first memories of stress. And where are they now?

1. The amazing letter writing assignment. Write a letter to an aunt. Easy enough? Oh no. Spaces were counted, commas were a must after greetings, space, indent 5 fingers, begin writing (pencil and paper mind you), extend salutations in the first paragraph. Space, indent 5 fingers, write about you. Space, space, indent lots of indents, sincerely (spell that write or minus some points), space, lots more indents, your name. And then to addressing the envelope perfectly and no, it wasn't ok to put the zip code on its own line, it went directly after the state. I was in third grade and really had a whole lot to tell my aunt....

Why it doesn't matter---first, if I wrote to my aunt she would be thrilled with whatever because who just writes to their aunt anymore? Plus, now there is such a thing as email, Facebook, and texting. Sadly, the art of letter writing is just dead.

2. Cursive writing complete with the ruler below making sure my line is perfectly spaced and that the words are perfectly spaced apart. Second grade. Mrs. Westenskow. The meanest teacher ever that all my friends' parents let them switch out of, but I needed the growing experience of having a mean teacher.

Why it doesn't matter--I get the straight line thing, but word spacing? As long as there is a space, does it matter if it has an exact measurement? Does the other person reading my paper have a ruler seeing if all the spaces between the words are a perfect 3.5 millimeters or whatever it was? Not to mention I ditched writing in cursive and left it where it belongs, in the second grade. I suppose it gave me the ability to read my dad's writing, which is in cursive so it wasn't a complete loss.

3. Still second grade....the agenda. I pretty much thought "agenda" was the coolest word. Had never heard it before. Essentially, it was a piece of paper hung on the bulletin board that we could write our second grade concerns on. Then, once a week, we would have a class meeting and discuss the agenda. How I wish I had these meetings recorded. I am sure the issues were pretty serious. So 'n so always gets the big recess ball. So 'n so made fun of so 'n so. Really though, it is one of my good memories of second grade. Gave us a reason to talk about each other, poke at people and find minor problems with everything they did, and then gossip about what was on the agenda and what would happen in the meeting. Can I blame all these terrible habits on second grade?

4. Third grade fractions. Death. Tears. Dad saved me and spent many a night helping me understand them and that 1/3 of a pie is bigger than 1/4 despite 4 is bigger than 3. I am still nervous that in posting that, I am not right. Add mixed numerals to that and I was pretty lost. First "F" in a math assignment.

5. "Time" lesson in 4th grade. If you get paid 1.50 an hour, and you babysit for 3.5 hours, how much do you make. (I say definitely not enough to make babysitting worth it, but apparently that isn't the right answer) Or the dreaded 76 minutes is how many hours and how much would you get paid for that. This was a good, useful lesson, I just repeated this mini math class a few times. The story problems made no sense. I guess I was glad people paid me to babysit first of all, second of all, who says it is 1:07 anyway? Round people!

6. Roman numerals ummmm, good for the Super Bowl?!?

7. Proofs in geometry. This wasn't even elementary school. I seriously hated these and thought I wasn't going to pass 9th grade math. But honestly who cares how we solved the problem and with what theory if the problem gets solved?

Here is a list of random memories that just made me smile:
1. Being jealous of kids that got fluoride treatments in kindergarten in awesome little cups. I was never signed up for those.

2. Lunch tickets. Plastic, business card sized, with cool big black designs that I realize now must have been a barcode and the typical lunch lady that inserted them into a square, green whatever and if it beeped and the light was green, I could get a rib-b-q.

3. Fake crying at recess so my friends could get the recess duty to come over. Didn't bode well for me. She was even cool. If you told her it was your birthday you got a hand stamp. Cruel joke...crueler that I managed to have multiple birthdays in one year for a hand stamp and somehow didn't consider the fact I was lying---for a hand stamp!

4. Winning a Berenstein Bear book in 1st grade, still the only thing I have ever won in a drawing.

5. Losing to Davia King every year on field day, only to lose to Paige Bushnell when I finally beat Davia King. Darn second place.

6. The smell of that white stuff they put on throw up--doesn't make me smile, just memorable.

7. PUMPED when there wasn't enough guys for the 4th grade square dance performance so I was asked to dance a guys part. Sad, I know, but for anyone that knows me, I'm a tomboy, and let's face it, in 4th grade, I just wanted to be a boy.

8. Equally pumped that in 3rd grade I was part of the special group that got to dance disco in the end of the school year production. Jealous I wasn't part of the Von Trap Family, but glad I wasn't one of the million rejects that had to sing in the New York, New York number.

9. Moving to Rexburg where they had middle school so I could brag to all my friends that they would start 5th grade in elementary school, but I would be in middle school. Forgetting really that 5th grade is 5th grade no matter where it is. Unfortunately bragging was premature when I found out that my new 5th grade would incorporate the following
       1. Mrs. Miller
       2. Cubicles so we couldn't see anything but our desks
       3. A gum shrine in Mrs. Allen's class
 On the up side....
      1. Sucker chips from a local candy factory
      2. A rat named Chocolate Chip (not all were fans)
      3. Pogs--'nough said.
      4. My first crush, and might I say long lasting since I crushed on him all through high school.
      5. My first boyfriend who gave me a Goosebumps book for Valentines, who I later dumped so I could  go out with my first crush over the summer, essentially meaning we never spoke or saw each other, only to be dumped right before 6th grade.


Enough memories for now, but I would love to hear yours! Any lessons never to be forgotten? Any fun memories?

4 months

I can't believe my baby is 4 months old! Especially since I thought it would be warm by now, but I think winter wants to stick around. All right, it is a little warmer, but I am SICK of the wind. Paige needs to go outside! She acts like she is melting and in severe pain everytime we step out of the house. This must be fixed, I love being outside. Paige finally tolerates some tummy time, she doesn't love it, but will do it for a minute.

She LOVES this. This was the best 20 bucks ever spent. She rotates which toys are her favorites, but seriously happy sounds come from underneath this contraption.

Yes, I know this isn't a healthy choice, but she was seriously drooling watching the rest of us, so I was curious to see what she would do if she had the chance. Paige was pretty excited about licking the licorice, and she wants her teeth so she can actually eat it next time. She has a sweettooth just like every woman in her life.

Proud of her find.

Wondering if she will get in trouble if she eats it.

Last Sunday we were able to bless Paige. Mark gave a wonderful blessing. The dress is quite slick, and he was pretty relieved she didn't fall during it. Paige was extremely naugthy before and after, church happens to be smack in the middle of naptime, but she calmed down and listened to her daddy's sweet words. After which she screamed.

Playing with her toys before bed is hard work, and she just didn't want to stop. Hilarious to watch her fall asleep while playing!

Don't really know why this posted out of order.....but here is a picture of Paige in her dress. So cute! I loved being able to use this dress twice, for her sealing and her blessing. It was a great find last summer. 18 bucks, originally 70. Grandma Steiner had to alter it, we bought it big thinking she would be older before everything was final, but we were happy to go sooner than we thought.

Mark had business all week and left me as a lone warrior. I can't tell you how anxious I was the week  before thinking of all the time Paige and I would be spending alone. But, things turned out just fine and we had a great time together. Mark has learned that if he goes, online shopping happens. We were glad to have Daddy home for sure! Paige is changing each and every day. Mark said in one week, her hair is blonder, she is heavier, and she has numerous new sounds. I hadn't noticed, until this morning when she started shrieking at herself and thinking it was cool. I guess she has figured out she has a voice.

Besides wishing for warm weather, we haven't been up to too much. I am getting a little stir crazy. Not to mention I feel soooo lazy! I hurt my foot playing soccer two weeks ago, and I am just finally able to wear shoes again. No soccer, no running (not that I do a lot anymore), but no physical activity for two weeks. I am wanting a jogging stroller, but with the lovely weather, it wouldn't get used. I feel icky about myself to be sure. I also noticed some pretty awesome cellulite that moved me to near tears. There are things about getting older I could do without! Anyone out there know a good method to get rid of it? The Mayo clinic said that 80% of all women over 20 get it, so I can't imagine I am alone in this, but I sure wouldn't mind seeing it go away! The 20% that don't get it must all live in Hollywood and I want to throw things at them. I wish there was more to say, but we have been laying pretty low. Mark and I feel so blessed and absolutely love Paige!

Families are Forever

Saturday, March 26th, we became an eternal family! I haven't got any of my pictures back, but as soon as I do, I will post them. Everyone says this day is incredible, and it didn't disappoint. I single handily ruined my wedding day. I was more than nervous. I wasn't a fun bride, nor was I a bride who imagined her wedding for years. The best way for me to describe my wedding day is this.....standing on a platform diving board kind of wanting to jump, but just looking down and thinking no way. Fortunately, I had a couple people behind me that just pretty much pushed me off. Don't get me wrong, I am continually grateful those people were there to push! 

Saturday felt like a second chance, an amazing re-enactment without any bells and whistles--just a chance to enjoy being in the temple as a family and with so many of our wonderful friends that I consider family. Even Mark's cancer doctor was there to celebrate with us. I remember wanting to throw in the towel when we found out Mark had cancer, and this doctor told us that we should push onward with our adoption. And here we were, coming full circle. It was special...beyond words! I was treated like a bride all over again, this time with no hesitation. I got to sit with my husband in the temple in peace and quiet, enjoying the spirit and anticipating our big moment. We were so blessed to have Paige's birthmother, Olivia, and her birth grandmother, Melissa, there with us. Melissa held Paige for the ceremony. I hope I never forget the moment she walked into the room with Paige. Paige looked like an angel! It took my breath away and brought some serious tears to my eyes. The hardest part of the day was leaving Olivia in the waiting room while the rest of us got ready. It felt like I was leaving her out or behind. I hope she knows she was in my heart! I made sure Paige wore her bracelet given to us by Olivia with the letter stating we were to be the parents. Whenever I saw that little wrist, it made me feel Olivia was right there with us. We also used the blanket Olivia wrapped her in at placement. I hope she knows these little things weren't by accident. I hope someday, we are worthy of receiving all the blessings promised and becoming an eternal family, and none of my loved ones are ever left behind! I want all of them right there with me.

Adoption is so hard, and there are so many different feelings and emotions that come along for the ride. One I wasn't expecting was guilt. I have had issues in the past and trying to get pregnant really exposed a lot of them and forced me to deal with them--but that wasn't easy and I can't say I conquered them all. For some reason, the option I was most comfortable and felt right was adoption, but I hoped I wasn't being selfish in taking that route. I doubt that makes sense, but it does to me. At the temple, I couldn't help but recognize the Lord's hand in my life during this process. It isn't by chance this all worked out this way. Olivia was the first to tell us that not only did she choose us, but Paige did as well. That helped reassure me that I was doing the right thing. Since Paige has entered into our lives, along with her wonderful birth family, it feels even more right. The temple solidified all that and I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to be a mother. It isn't easy, it is scary and overwhelming and I have so many weaknesses that I hope to improve and become a better mom, but I feel so blessed to have this chance and this baby girl!

3 Months

Ahh! I can't believe my baby is 3 months old. It seems like time is flying, but I can't remember not having her around. There are vague memories of it being a tad easier to leave the house, but I can't imagine not having this little girl in my life. She is such a great big blessing to Mark and I. She has such a special spirit that goes along perfectly with her special background. Some wise angel once told me that Paige had a big mission in front of her and came to this earth, in her own special way, found her way into both of our lives for a special purpose, and that will only continue as she grows into the special woman she is bound to become. I had the oppurtunity to have a girls weekend with Paige's birthmom, birthgrandma, and some friends. We had such a GREAT time. I look forward to many more in the future. It feels like I have a whole new family that cares not only about Paige, but me as well. All weekend I had to pinch myself; it was very surreal. What a blessing they are to me. We look forward to our sealing, March 26th. Her birth family will be joining us, gives me chills! Heavenly Father has been so evident in this process, and we will all feel that once again, so strongly, together, with ALL our families. Paige will be surrounded by family, friends, and angels that have helped us through this process.

Besides being a mom to this beautiful girl, I stay busy getting housework done, playing some soccer, and keeping up with my calling. I am the cultural arts specialist (fancy for activities) and am in charge of a ward dance number for the upcoming Stake activities night. Mark is a good husband and has been dragged into this with a positive attitude despite his inabilities in dancing. With practice, he actually does pretty darn good and is a good sport about it. Mark had a scan about a week ago and it came back clean. Always good news! His biggest side affect are his lungs. He gets winded easy and sounds very labored after any activity. I am going to have to whip him into shape. We need his knee better too so I can have a running buddy. I am itching to get back into running, but it is hard to find the time. If Mark could come with me, we could take the baby and the dog. He continues to work hard at work and enjoys what he does. Our horse Chula is currently at the trainers, and Mark goes out on Friday mornings to ride and learn from the trainer. It has been really great. Sonny is out there for a tune up, we plan on selling him to buy a smaller, younger horse.

So happy!

Smiling at her birthmama. Good thing someone can capture smiles on camera and send them to me!

The stinkin adorable tutu they brought for Paige on their visit. It is 12 months, so we have some time to grow into it.

Getting ready for church last Sunday.

Sporting her big girl jeans and new outfit. Her hair is going blonde on us. This was taken on her 3 month birthday.

This was awhile ago, but too funny. Roxy loves her and gets jealous at the same time.

Her nursery, my sister-in-laws made the curtains, bumpers, crib skirt, and quilt. Love it! It is so perfect.

"Soar" is our little theme for Paige. It describes her birthmother perfectly, and I pray that Paige will  also soar above all her trials and in everything she does. I have always love birds and I love how this all turned out. It is always fun to decorate with meaning.

Paige's New Trick

If this doesn't make you smile, you are heartless!

Family Joy

Mark and I had the most AMAZING weekend. Friday was easily one of the best days of my life. When Mark and I first decided to adopt, we didn't have a clear idea of what kind of adoption we wanted: closed, semi-closed, or open. I think we were leaning towards a semi-closed adoption which basically means limited contact (i.e. letters, meetings before delivery, pictures, updates, etc) but we promised ourselves to keep an open mind. After attending some classes and reading blogs that I love, I noticed that open adoptions were becoming more and more  popular. The feedback was so positive, but I didn't know if it was something that would be right for Mark and I.  I honestly didn't understand much, and I had concerns that seem so silly now, but until you are living that situation, you just don't know. To many, open adoption is odd, scary, and threatening--and I can understand those feelings, I had those! What I didn't know at that time was how incredible it can be and why those families experiencing open adoptions were so excited about them. With that being said, I still feel so strongly that each adoption is SO different and each situation needs to be analyzed carefully so that it is best for all parties involved. I feel lucky and blessed that Paige's birthmother is an angel.  She has become family and I love her dearly. I feel like I got two for the price of one and I am so grateful that I have a best friend that cares so much for Paige.

Olivia came up on Friday to share her birthday with our little family. I loved watching her light up at little smiles, kissing cute neck rolls, and relishing in every moment. She and I share a mother's love with the same little girl. There is something special knowing she understands how I feel in such a unique way. As mothers, we are always so biased when it comes to our children, it is kind of fun knowing I am not alone in my biased opinions--she shares every single one of them! I was overwhelmed by the feeling that our Heavenly Father knows each of us so well, and He recognizes how much we needed her, and how much she needed us. Now, we get to share in this overwhelming joy together. It is the opposite of threatening and awkward, rather the most comforting feeling ever, knowing that things are as they should be. She is excited to see our little family as a family and knowing she approves and supports us helps me to know that I am doing what I can to give back to her.

 

This picture melts my heart. I have so much love for everyone in this picture!

Mark wanted to make sure I clarified my last post. He is very good at changing diapers, wet ones. He has always been willing to change a wet bum. On Friday, he caved under peer pressure and decided it was his moment to prove to the world he could also do poop.

 

 

He honestly got one of the worst poopy bums I ever did see. Trial by fire. But, now he knows he can conquer them all! Paige smiled through the whole thing.

Yesterday was such a special day for us. Paige has felt like ours from the beginning, but there is some weight that is lifted when it becomes legal. Hard to explain, I never felt like it was because something would "happen," but I guess it is just nice to know that you can take her on a trip, or get a kitten, or whatever without notifying the agency.  I don't know why I was surprised by this, but court is really official. I guess you hear so much about the happiness and what not, that we were a little surprised by the seriousness of it all. It is good, I am glad court is official and serious, I guess I just didn't know what to except. I got a little teary eyed when I finally heard the judge give his ruling and pronounce that our baby would now legally be known as Paige Ryann S______ and we would be legally responsible for her well being. It was nice to share it with our families and it was nice having our lawyers be not only amazing, but really good friends. Thank you D________ for being incredible. 

It is always so interesting that sweet baby Paige is an angel unless something important is happening. She rarely spits up and on this occasion, she hadn't even gone poop since Saturday. She pretty much projectile vomited on our way out the door, making us late, and then she got to work messing her shorts as soon as the judge started to talk.  Great timing. She was pretty fussy the whole time and she smelled amazingly bad. By the time we got to the picture taking, she was ticked. I was able to console with a bottle that pretty much makes an appearance in all these photos despite my ridiculous attempts to hide it. I have crazy eyes thanks to the crying and my hair has been ignored since Paige came into my life, but I still love these:

 

Her cute court outfit. Love the tights that don't fit yet.

 

Getting excited to go to court

 

Hopefully the last time she has to see the judge or she has a few families that will be wanting to send her to wilderness camp;)

 

Her happy, stinky self. Still cute though. Mark and I are blessed with an amazing support group. How cute is my little brother by the way?

 

My good friend Steve who helped us out so much. He and his dad are great! So weird that we are grown ups now. I have a baby, Steve is a lawyer. Where does time go? It doesn't seem that long ago that we were playing night games in Steve's backyard or that Mark and Steve were playing high school baseball. I love that my head tilts to the side in all these pictures. Must be the baby I always hold on the left side. It must be causing a left side droop!



Giving Back Project

Here we are a week later, and I am just barely getting to sit down to right about our gift to the clinic. The entire week was a little bit emotional for Mark and I. It seems like another lifetime ago that we got the news that pulled the rug from beneath our feet. Those first few days were the worst, once we got into the "fight," things were so much better. We figured things out and the task at hand seemed less daunting--but those first few days in the hospital facing the unknown were just down right scary. Honestly, while the situation taught us so much, I would really rather leave it in the past and forget it ever happened. I don't like thinking about it. I want to tuck it away and leave it in a hidden corner. But--that is unfair, because we have a lot to be grateful for, and that is why we must do what we can to give back and to help others who are facing that rollercoaster ride. I think that is why Relay for Life is important. It shows people that they are not alone and that there is a fight out there collectively bigger than their own. If I were to boil things down, the goodness of others is what got us through our tough times. I wanted Mark and I to do a service, but I didn't want it to be about us. We appreciate all those that made this gift so special. I hope you feel like YOU made it happen and that YOU brought a smile to someone in need. I know Teton Oncology will put all the goods to good use and many patients will be blessed! I have already heard the valentines were a hit.

It was hard to get a good picture of the actual haul. We got some really amazing things, boxes full of toys! I packed things up pretty good, so pictures of the boxes really don't do it justice. We needed two vehicles to get the stash there. It was fun gathering everything up, I felt a little like Santa. Legos, Barbies, stuffed animals, coloring books, reading books, clay, play dough, dr play kits, cars, blocks, board games, activity centers, strollers, turtles, wooden dolls, ponies, a handmade train, movies, and the list goes on. I felt like a kid in a candy store and wanted to indulge in a few things myself. For the adults we got a portable dvd player, card games, and a good selection of dvds that I had a hard time not opening and watching before donating. I think the adults should sneak into the kids' room--nothing brings hope like being able to be a kid again, even if it is just a moment. We also got two boxes full of the cutest homemade valentines you ever did see, all with encouraging words to keep fighting, keep smiling, and to feel better. Words really can't express how fun it was to have such a wonderful response. Thank you!

The black bag is full of the cutest beanie babies and stuffed animals ever.

With our favorite nurse--one of our angels.

Paige is now two months old. She had her check-up Friday and she is still so tiny. We will have to do a weight check in a month to see if she can pack on the pounds a bit. She is in the 10th percentile for weight and 30th percentile for height and head. Paige weighed in at 9 lbs 3 oz. She eats pretty good, so I am not too worried, but we will do our best to plump her up. If you have been lucky enough to be around her, you know that Paige isn't much of a crier. She must have anticipated her vaccinations because she wailed through the appointment. When the nurse stuck her, the mouth gaped and the head turned a deep shade of red--but no sound. After 10 seconds of catching her breath, Paige ripped out a scream heard around the world. She has since replicated that sound a few times. The newborn cry is officially gone, she learned how to really let it out. I guess she discovered she can make a ruckus. She hasn't been herself since, makes me so sad! She has slept a lot, but when not sleeping she screams (really, she does). It took awhile before I could even get her to eat again. I hope she gets back to her happy and content self soon so I feel less terrible about the whole ordeal. Paige LOVES her daddy and he was the only one that could calm her down. She is such a cheater. He has never even changed a poopy bum. I guess he did promise her my horse, a puppy, and anything else she wants. Mark told me that is the key--promise her good things. Here I thought it was the singing, reading stories, silly faces, night feedings, poopy bum changes, oh well! I love her dad too:)

In her cute Valentine's Day outfit

Too cute! She loves to have her hands in the air, I swaddled her up tight, but this little fist worked loose.