Ready or Not....Life Goes On

Contrary to what my blog has depicted, we are alive and have kept ourselves quite busy. It's time to get back to blogging and catching up. I have found that keeping busy is the best medicine and it didn't take too long before I put that mantra to practice. So onto picture overload of the past month and a half!

 

 Literally the day after our match failed, Paige and I loaded up the car and headed to Boise. We tried to keep things fun and first visited the dentist. Ok, that really isn't fun, but it was Paige's first time and Mark's brother is an awesome dentist. She did great and totally let Uncle Greg have his way with her! He tackled my mess of a mouth and then the fun really began when we crashed at his place, enjoyed his beautiful backyard, and played with cousins. My brother was moving that weekend as well, so Paige and I spent a lot of time hauling boxes and odds and ends. Poor Courtney was 8 months pregnant. Seems like a great time to pack up ship! We really weren't much help, but we tried. It just so happened that a soccer tournament I had signed up for, then bailed out on due to the baby, was also that weekend in Boise. I ended up getting to play in two games. It was the first women's tournament I had participated in since high school. I loved getting out and playing, even though I knew no one and our team was a bit out of our league. I somehow managed a goal and left feeling good that my old lady self can still play at least a little bit.

 

 

Paige enjoyed a good polish. I was quite surprised that she did as well as she did.

 

Paige and I bought a season's pass to Bear World. Our friend Beth and her kids get one each year and she convinced me it was worth it. We actually go quite a bit. Paige is a ride hound and is fearless. I love her face in this picture. Now, she raises her hands high in the air and claps after each drop. She dashes past the animals and lives for the rides.

 

I signed Paige up for preschool camp this summer and they have all been really fun. Her teacher is fantastic and Paige comes home from each camp loaded up. This particular day was Pirate Camp. She told me about the treasure she found for days. She still informs me that X marks the spot.

 

About a week after Boise, Paige and I jumped on a plane to go see my parents in California. We hadn't seen them since September and they had a pretty low key week ahead of them. That doesn't happen....ever...so Paige and I knew we needed to take advantage of it! Mom and Dad were able to spend most of the days with us and we filled them full of fun activities. Lots of parks, movies, ice cream, shopping, Chuck E. Cheese, and backyard games. I was pretty wore out most days. Paige didn't seem to skip and beat and loved being spoiled by Boppa and Momma.

 

My mom is still gullible enough to partake in all park activities. I figure you can only get stuck on the slide so many times before you make the three year old traverse it alone. They both came down with some crazy hair!

 

On our way home, we had a stop in Oakland. We stayed on the plane and waited for others to board. I spent the time entertaining Paige and didn't pay any attention to those around me. After we landed and were waiting to deplane, I heard a familiar voice. It just so happens that Steve Young and all his kids were sitting right behind me. I wanted to ask for an autograph so badly but chickened out. It was a Sunday and he was with all his kids, I didn't want to bug him. Since we stood there for so long together, he started to talk to Paige. I started to look through my bag for anything he could sign and found a crayon and purple paper. I couldn't bring myself to present him with that. So instead, I took this awesome incognito picture at baggage claim to prove I had actually seen him. I then watched him graciously sign autographs for everyone else. Sigh.

 

Life wasn't quite as exciting once we got home, but we've tried to find fun things to do. Paige not only gave me this awesome purple manicure, but she also insisted on taking the picture. Not too shabby!

 

When we got back from California, the weather finally decided to be nice. Paige and I have tried to spend as much time as possible outdoors. We went for a lovely walk behind the house and enjoyed this little spot until the bugs found us.

 

Beth is always up to something fun and she always invites Paige and I to tag along. Bless her! I love getting out and doing stuff.  We found a park that wasn't overly crowded and soaked in the sun. Paige loved this merry-go-round. These used to be one of my favorite toys when I was little. Then they removed them from all the parks I know due to safety issues. Apparently they missed this one. Pretty awesome that all those big kids sat there as Paige pushed them over and over again. I was impressed. They weren't. It wasn't going fast enough. She is only 3, boys!

 

 

Beth is the picture queen, which is great since I stink and am too lazy to document as well as I should. Thanks Beth!

 

We've tried to do some horse back riding, but it hasn't been as often as I would like. Mark has caught the roping bug which puts a damper on my trail riding. Paige, however, loves the arena because she can ride Tucker "all by myself."

 

One of the most exciting events from the last month were the four days that stupid Boots got herself stuck in the tree. She was a good 40 feet up there. At first, I felt like maybe we should let nature take its course, since well, Boots is a cat and not well loved. Well tolerated, but not well loved. She does catch mice which is nice. Anyhow, after the third day her pleas were quite mournful and darn my animal loving heart, I just was too soft to let it go on. We had tried a couple of maneuvers, one being climbing a ladder placed in the bed of Mark's truck. That was the scariest 2 minutes of my life and I felt like my life was more valuable than that. A ward member had a boom truck he let us borrow and it BARELY reached the cat. In fact, Mark had to grab her by the tail to get her into the bucket. She rewarded him by hissing, scratching, and attempting to jump from the bucket. Welcome back Boots.

 

The 4th of July rolled around and I felt very clever with this hairdo...that is until we got to the parade and every other girl rocked the same look. Oh well, still cute, right?!

 

My little brother made it up for the weekend and we attended the extended family BBQ. It was a better turnout than in recent years and I loved catching up with everyone! Felt like old times.

 

Since BJ was here, we decided to pull out all the stops and made a day trip over to Jackson Hole. Mark's family caught wind of it and they all came along too. Our first stop was the Alpine Slide. Fearless little Paige was stoked and begged Mark to go faster the entire time.

 

 

That night we hit up Bar J. Paige loved being surrounded by her cousins. I hadn't been in years. It was a ton of fun. Paige did better than expected and waited until almost the end of the show before falling of the bench and drilling her head on the concrete. Poor baby had two good sized goose eggs. After a very full day and what I have no doubt was a good headache, we decided to call it day and headed back home. There was literally a near death moment on the pass when an oncoming car blew a tire, but our little day trip was overall a success.

 

 

Mark has been really busy this year as the committee chair for Relay for Life. He honestly didn't have time for it, but the spot needed filled and he stepped up to the plate. It was a lot of work, and I know he felt bad he couldn't dedicate more time to it. In the end, I think things turned out well and we had a great night. Paige got her own committee shirt and the two of them looked so dang cute! Paige joined Mark on the survivor lap and it never ceases to melt my heart. I have a lot to be grateful for. Two miracles right there folks!

 

 

Paige partied like it was 1999. At one point, she danced on stage for 25 minutes. It was a pretty good performance and she entertained the masses. She even flipped the walkers a thumbs-up sign. I literally had to drag her off the stage by bribing her with a jump house trip. The only problem with that was trying to get her out. I was seconds away from having to crawl in there after her. So embarrassing.

 

 

This entire last week was spent redoing this king sized bed. In my head, the project seemed so fun and simple. In reality, it was a ton of hard work. Lots of sanding, painting, distressing, drying, and a huge mess. It has a footboard and side rails to match. It's just BIG. I think it turned out fine. I am not too crafty, talented, or artistic so don't look too close! It needs another coat of  lacquer and then should be good to go. Paige insisted on being in every picture I took. I guess she only improves the shot.

 

 

I get asked a lot about how we are doing. The answer is ok. I have my good days and bad days. Paige will still sometimes ask about the baby or when we are going to the temple, but it is getting less and less. I am surprised by how often it weighs on my mind. It's hard not to dwell on it when I'm driving, cleaning, running, or any other time my hands are busy but my mind isn't. I ask lots of questions and wonder about a lot of things. Sometimes I just feel dumb. I know that doesn't make much sense, but I feel dumb that I trusted, and hoped, and got "sucked' into it all. I feel stupid when I reflect on some of the moments I felt like I was on cloud 9, or that things were perfect, or that we were so lucky. I think back to those moments and my reactions and I feel dumb for having them. I know....doesn't make much sense. When I called my grandma to tell her the happy news, she asked if they could change their minds. I said they could, but that they wouldn't. I felt so confident in it. That makes me feel so foolish or something. Did I miss something? Was I overlooking something? I feel dumb for caring and loving them as much as I did, and thinking that they didn't feel the same way. Almost like dating rejection if I were to compare it something more people would be familiar with. Giving your heart away to someone who doesn't feel the same way. I get a lot of questions and have a lot of questions about it all and how it could have ended that way. All I can come up with is agency. People have their agency, NO MATTER WHAT. The end. That is what it boils down to. And so while it kind of feels raw, or unfair, or confusing, it is what it is. They had their agency and they made a decision. That I can comprehend. While it doesn't make a lot of sense to me at times, it just doesn't matter. I just hope with time that things will continue to get better and as we move ahead it will hurt less or bother me less. I find myself looking inward more than I should. I need to be better about looking outside myself and forgetting myself. I can and should do better.

 

I think I need to work on having hope and trust again. Faith that the future is bright and things could happen and that when doors close, windows open. I sometimes let pessimism cloud my view, and I need to rise above that. I know that I have lots to be grateful for now, and who knows what the future might bring. Some days it just feels dark, but I feel like that's my fault. Not having hope doesn't mean there isn't hope. Attitude is everything and I can make or break the situation. I often feel like I have no control or no say, but the reality is I do. I have control over myself and my attitude and that makes all the difference. We will hope that someday, something will happen for us, that there is hope for a baby. If that isn't the plan, then there is hope that I can be ok with what His plan is for our family. Be grateful in things, not for things. If I say it enough, I might actually be able to do it :) Paige is such a blessing and I just love her. So much. I love her birth family. I love having a relationship with them. Mark and I have wonderful families and our little family is very blessed.

 

Some fun things Paige has said lately:

 

During the Rigby fireworks: "I wonder who puts this on"

 

While handing me a bloody booger "Mom, I found you a chocolate booger"

 

After Mark throws out a toothpick from the truck window "What was that Dad?" "Nothing Paige." "Was it just a booger?"

 

"Mom, can we go to the temple?" "Not until you're bigger, maybe someday." "Well, I will go get my church dress on and then I can."

 

"President Monson gave me this shirt. He put the sparkles on it."

 

"Mom, stop being so dramatic"

 

Asking her how Dragons 2 was "It was serious."

 

 

 

 

A New Level of Heartache

I'm not entirely sure why I want to air all this dirty laundry out. A part of me thinks that after bottling things up for so long, that letting it all out might be therapeutic. The other part of me just doesn't want to relay the story to everyone who will inevitably ask about it. Enough people know what's been going on, and I just don't have the energy to repeat as necessary. The other reason I suppose is to educate. Anyone who thinks that adoption is taking the easy way out has obviously not been through an adoption. Hopefully after this epic miserable post I can begin to move on and work on finding that gratitude in any circumstance that President Uchtdorf talks about. While this post may be laced with bitterness and anger, I honestly don't lay blame on anyone and I do have a level of understanding. It's just hiding behind some serious hurt.

Last post I alluded to our first failed match this year. All I really want to say about that one is I learned some tough lessons. Adoption has many roads, and though I desperately want a baby, I learned that not all roads are created equal, and that I truly would like to do things in the right way. I want to stick to my beliefs about adoption and be proud of myself at the end of the journey. While that match was failing, I felt our miracle was unfolding. As hard as it was to know that match wasn't the path for us, I was filled with hope at this new possibility. After more than a year with LDS Family Services, we got our very first email from an expectant mom. This was March, and she informed me she was due in May with a baby girl. Right away it felt different and I knew it was a path we needed to take.

We began to exchange emails and I was floored by how much we had in common. She asked wonderful questions that made me evaluate my beliefs on adoption and parenting. By answering them, I learned so much about myself and what things mattered the most. I felt such a connection to her and felt like we would be the best of friends under any circumstance. After awhile, she invited us to meet her and her mom at the agency. We were so nervous, especially knowing that we were one of three families. We were so excited and felt so good about the the meeting. Mark and I left feeling very positive. We felt a lot of love for her and her mom and knew we had a connection. A few days went by and I wanted to die. I craved hearing any news. I finally felt prompted to invite her and her mom to our home. They accepted and came up that next weekend. We had a wonderful visit and they stayed for over four hours. My love for this girl continued to grow.

After they left, communication went dead for a few weeks and it was torture. Awful. I wondered how I could have misjudged the meeting so horribly. It was such a rollercoaster as we had no idea where we stood, or even what her thoughts on adoption were. She was very shy, quiet, and private. From the beginning, we knew she hadn't made her mind up about adoption at all---only that it was a possibility. Finally, out of the blue I got a text from her that she and the expectant dad would like to come visit. Once again, we had a great visit and fell in love with him as well. Yet again, we were forced to wait to hear any feedback. The waiting days are just maddening. Your mind plays a million tricks on you. I've never prayed so hard in my life, hoping for peace, comfort, direction, anything!  The agency finally let us know that she was leaning towards adoption. She had been on the fence up to this point but now, she was 70/30 in favor of placing, and if she did place, it would be with us. It was nice to know we were no longer one of three families. At this point, two months had passed and she was 36 weeks pregnant. Everyone was feeling the pressure of a due date, and the agency was hoping to help her see that she needed to make a decision before the baby arrived, because emotions would be high and realistic thinking at the hospital would be a stretch. Her mom began calling me and implored us to remain patient. Her mom is a saint and she and I had such wonderful phone conversations. She is a kind, loving woman who was worried about us and our feelings, while trying to support her daughter in whatever decision she made. I felt like her mom and I understood each other so well, even though we were on opposite ends of the adoption spectrum. It felt like everyone involved really was trying to be prayerful and that pieces were falling into place. There can only be so many coincidences in life right?

It was months of torture. Trying to be patient, kind, understanding, and supportive. Hoping you were coming off as true to yourselves and genuine. We honestly cared for them and hoped they were finding peace in the turmoil they were feeling. You worry you are being analyzed and I often felt so inadequate. I know I am not a perfect mom or a better mom than the thousands of other couples hoping to adopt, or a better mom than a birth mother who places that kind of trust in me. I am not a perfect parent. I have seen the heartache of someone placing their baby in my arms. I have felt guilt knowing someone has to go through that so that I can be a mom. I have a special place in my heart reserved for birth moms. They are amazing people who absolutely love their children. We fasted lots. We prayed lots. We went to the temple lots. I always felt a lot of anxiety wondering if things would actually work out, but I felt a surprising amount of peace at the same time as well. Mark also felt very strongly that this path was right, that things would work out.

About two and half weeks ago we got the call we yearned for. We were chosen and she wanted to place. However, when she told the father he decided he would fight her decision. It shocked everyone and felt oh so tragic. There were many phone conversations about what to do next, would court be an option. Everyone fasted and prayed for a miracle. Everyone wanted him back on board. Everyone wanted these two great kids to be united and make a decision they felt good about---a decision they would feel would be best for the baby. They consistently spoke of not being ready to get married, not wanting to marry each other. They spoke about wanting a stable two parent home, sparing their baby from years of shared custody. But all that now seemed in jeopardy. Lots of prayers, lots of fasting from everyone. About two weeks ago, we got an invite to a BBQ. I wasn't given any info besides we were to meet her entire family, the father, and the father's parents. We felt like maybe he and his parents wanted to ask us their own questions and the interview process would continue. We were told to bring Paige. We were awfully excited and awfully nervous. We went to her house and had a fabulous time. Her family was wonderful. His family was wonderful. We enjoyed being with them all. It felt comfortable and natural and very promising for an open adoption. I felt such love. I was excited that this process included all these people and the idea of an ongoing relationship was amazing. After dinner the expectant mom and dad brought out this huge basket full of clothes, frames she had made, books she had written notes in, a blanket she made, and a baby hat crocheted by her little sister. They told us we would be great parents.  He had come 180 degrees, we felt like it had been nothing short of a miracle and an answer to many prayers. We talked names, I made plans for a newborn session we could all go to together. We hugged and cried. Their families were all there witnessing this and I felt so blessed that all these people could come together for this baby. I felt like we were gaining an extended family. I couldn't believe how lucky we were. Paige would have a sister, they would have each other, and they could share adoption together. They would both have wonderful birth families that would be a blessing in their lives. I couldn't believe Heavenly Father would see fit to bless us with two incredible adoptions. Could winning the lottery twice be possible?

We learned she was having her membranes stripped the following Monday. I panicked and quickly set off to prepare. I bought a car seat, I had birth parent gifts and birth grandparent gifts custom made. I wanted them to be so special to show them our love for them. I stressed mightily about these gifts. They had to be perfect, because even if they were perfect they would never be enough. How do you even express the gratitude you feel when someone so selflessly allows you to be a mom? I did lots of laundry and filled empty drawers with baby clothes. We brainstormed a list of names, making sure to use names the birth parents would like and would pay tribute to them. I texted them both through the week, finally feeling like I was free to build a lasting relationship with them. We joked and laughed. We got an email from the agency detailing the placement plan. We were so happy. I coached Paige, preparing her for a baby sister. Helping her adjust to the big change ahead. I felt so sure. I was nervous, nothing is ever a done deal. This process had been long, but full of "coincidences." The connections were just too strong, the miracles in the details evident. I felt like it had been such a long journey to help those two be sure. They waited to commit until they were sure. The gift basket had just been too thoughtful, it had to have been the result of deep thinking and reason. I felt like all my lightening fast preparations magically fell into place. I was nervous with anticipation, even a bit freaked out about the thought of having a newborn and two kids. It seemed a bit overwhelming, but it was right. It was meant to be and I knew that I would have the help I needed to be able to do it. And so, we waited.

Days crept by and we were on pins and needles, I couldn't wait. I wanted to see her, I wanted the most difficult months of my life to be over. It would all be worth it. Finally, Sunday, the text came. She was in labor and the baby would be here soon. Late that night I got birth stats and a picture....and that was it. I wanted to be excited, she was so beautiful. I was scared. It felt very distanced. I shook it off and knew it was an emotional time and I wanted them to have those special moments to themselves. They needed to have that time for themselves and I could put my desires to see her aside for them. I loved them and wanted them to have whatever they needed, even if that meant we needed to be distant. Monday rolled around and there was no news. No more details---except that they no longer wanted to sign at 24 hours and things would be pushed back to Wednesday but we could maybe see the baby Tuesday. I closed the door to the nursery. I just couldn't bear to walk by and see it. Tuesday morning arrived and Paige saw the door to the nursery was closed. She asked me if the baby was asleep in the baby bed and if she needed to be quiet. I cried. Tuesday continued to crawl on and there was no invite to the hospital. I got a call from her mom that they were struggling, but no decisions had been made. She says she still felt like there was hope. Nothing had changed, they didn't want to be together, or get married, and they were still just kids. She asked that we continue to pray, submit their names to the temple. She said she reminded them that this would be an open adoption and they would still have a role in this baby's life. I assured her we would want nothing more than for them to be a part of her life. I tell her that any and all of them were welcome at any time. I invite the expectant mother to spend serious time at our house this summer, spend weeks. We talk about a gradual break since we would need to stay in Utah for at least a week. They just needed to find the strength and remember all the reasons they felt adoption was right to begin with. We prayed. We went to the temple. I tried to have hope, but my heart already hurt. Tuesday night brought no news. Wednesday morning brought  no news. I turned 50 and my blood pressure was no longer manageable. The first words out of Paige's mouth when she woke up were once again, "Is the baby coming today?"  She seemed so disinterested and resistant, and now I cursed myself for all those pep talks.

Mark tried to contact their social worker. She had no news, but was heading to the hospital soon since they would be discharged within hours. I sent her an emotional text pleading with her to share some words with the parents. Things I wish I would have, could have said.  Finally, I see his name flash across my phone, but I know this is not a good a sign. I dread answering the phone but I do and try my best to keep my emotions in check. He asks how I am doing. He then says, "Well, Jenny. I have some bad news. We thought about it long and hard and we just can't do it. We are sorry and we really like you guys. We think you guys are fun and remind us so much of certain members of our family." I honestly had no words. Paige could tell I was upset and asked once again, while I am on the phone, "Are you sad because the baby isn't here yet Mom?" At that point I was just a bit angry. It seemed fine to hurt me, but I hated that Paige was aware. I wanted him to explain this to her. I wanted him to hear her in the background wondering what was going on. I wondered what was going on myself and "I am sorry, thanks for taking this journey with us the last three months and being so awesome but we aren't going to do this"  was not doing it for me any longer. At that point I wanted nothing more than to throw my phone in the ditch.

When I walked inside, I was immediately greeted with an upset child, and a table full of beautifully wrapped, custom made birth parent gifts. Things that weren't returnable. A cradle in my room waiting for a newborn, a gift basket so thoughtfully put together. All I saw was stuff, stuff that I couldn't take back. Stuff I didn't have a clue what to do with. Stuff I couldn't stand the sight of. Mark came home and asked about what exactly happened and I relayed the 5 minute conversation that shattered our hopes. We sat outside for hours, watching Paige play with toys and her baby doll. A baby doll that she normally cared less about, but has since been inseparable from and I can hardly watch.

I immediately made plans to leave town, I just couldn't be in my house that was all ready to welcome a newborn. Paige and I left the next morning to be with family in Boise. It was nice to bury my head in the sand for a few days. I found a home for a few of the non returnable items and it felt good to get rid of the reminders. It was easy to distract myself away from home, pretend it all never happened. But it was short lived, and the drive home was brutal. I was alone, the road was long, and I knew that the house would still be full of baby things. All the newborn clothes I laid out to be placed in a suitcase continue to sit out. I just can't do it. I can't walk into that room and put all those clean clothes back in the plastic tubs.

As for now I feel discouraged, confused, and hurt. A lot of sadness. Depending on the moment I am either very sad or very mad. I don't feel anger towards anyone specifically, I know adoption isn't easy for anyone, and I know the process wasn't easy for them either. I know they didn't intend to inflict pain and they weren't being malicious. It just stinks. I feel such a sense of loss and mourning of what might have been. The baby, the open relationship with all of them, the situation itself, wonderful people I will never forget, but who no longer want a place in our lives. Everything. It was just perfect and too good to be true I guess. Paige is literally the greatest blessing ever. It is not possible for me to sit in bed all day with her around. I am so grateful I can throw myself into being her mom. Enjoying her smiles, laughs, and kisses. She helps me forge ahead and reminds me of all the things I have. It is impossible to sit and feel sorry for myself when she demands so much of my time and attention and I am just beyond grateful for her. I am not alone...I have her. I have a good husband, amazing friends and family. I have had an amazing, wonderful adoption experience and share a wonderful relationship with an amazing birth family who I love deeply. I have lots to be grateful for. I know that. But I still feel awful. I feel for Paige, and the thought of her being an only child kills me.  Right now I am not sure where to turn or where to go. Everything feels a bit hopeless, and I wonder if I have anything left in me to keep pursuing this. It is just so hard to put yourself out there, to feel vulnerable, to take those emotional and financial risks. I question my judgment and discernment. I am still shocked that this particular situation ended this way. In some ways it just doesn't seem possible. I am not sure how things could have been more perfect or guided, and for it to end this way frightens me. How can I ever trust a seemingly right situation ever again? What exactly was the purpose of all this if this was the end result? I have more questions than answers and just don't have any idea what to do or where to go next. I wish I could hide for awhile, but our home study expires soon and will force my hand. I really would rather not do anything adoption related right now.

Sorry for the long post and that there are no pictures to even break it up. Pretty sure I am not going to do much proofing either. I hope it isn't too much or too personal. I really don't need or expect anyone to say anything. I am not fishing for comments or sympathy. I just wanted to put it out there. In my head I know all the right answers and the right things to say or feel, but sometimes my heart just isn't there yet. I am sure in time things will work out. I know all will be well and ok and that there is a plan of sorts for us out there somewhere. But right now, things are dark and I am in survival mode. It is what it is and we are gonna work through it.

Wild America

Because I am bit lazy, and too cheap to buy a new camera, all photos come from my phone. Which means they are never any good. Anyhow, since you can't tell from the picture, these are some moose that decided to hang out in our backyard for a couple of weeks. One had a busted up leg that honestly, hurt to watch. On this particular evening, I saw these guys, two Canadian geese, two sand hill cranes, a bald eagle and a falcon fighting for the same meal, a golden retriever, and a cat hunting mice. Oh, and a blonde, crazy three year old. Seriously, it was bordering a PBS nature show out there.  All in all, I felt it was  pretty good representation of what my life has been like lately. WILD. Even the wind has been wild. Why? Why must it blow every. single. day. Why must it be freezing cold all the time? I am turning into a wild, caged animal. And so is my baby. I've listened to her talk to herself most of the day today and I fear we are both on the brink of insanity.

 

Things have greened up nicely since this picture was taken, but it isn't any warmer. Paige had a wild streak for a few weeks where she was pretty much unhappy no matter what you tried to do. If you look at her face in this picture, you will see she is crying. Crying because despite the fact she is loving riding Tucker, it was all for naught without her pink cowgirl hat. The wind was blowing and it wouldn't stay on her head, and I guess Tucker doesn't like pink. Fearing a flying pink cowgirl hat wouldn't go over well, I told Paige she couldn't wear it while riding. Thus, Mom ruined the ride.

She forgave me and spent the rest of the evening picking these "flowers" for me. I get lots of flowers these days. It kind of melts me. Now every pocket in every jacket I own is full of flowers.

 

I made Mark take Paige to the Easter hunt. I had this irrational fear she would go and get stampeded by older kids fighting for eggs and wouldn't be scrappy enough to get any. I couldn't handle the idea of watching her crest fallen face as her basket remained empty. Since they broke the hunt into age groups and put a limit on eggs per kid, my fears were unfounded and I ended up missing Paige enjoy her very first hunt. Oh well. Mark took good pictures and Paige told me all about it. She was really excited about Easter this year and the Easter Bunny. It is one of my favorite things about her getting older. It is fun to see her get excited about things, participate, and understand things more and more.

 

 

We fed the missionaries later that night and Paige was in one of her ornery moods. They gave this great scripture puppet show and still couldn't get her to crack a smile.

 

Paige is also in this phase where she won't just do a normal smile for me. I thought the Bunny was creative this year bringing more activity minded surprises and less candy. Paige wasn't as excited and sulked about any new thing we tried to get her to enjoy.

 

 

One such gift was a kite, and I was quite excited to fly a kite with Paige. I loved kite flying as a kid. I feel like this is something my dad and I did a lot together. I also got many a rainbow unicorn kite stuck in trees and power lines. I always felt tremendous guilt over this. Someone should have informed me inanimate objects don't have feelings. Since we have the perfect kite flying backyard, I felt like Paige wouldn't have these worries and we could blissfully enjoy some wind. Mark was a first time kite flier...seriously. Anyway, after getting it up in the air for them, Mark and Roxy were the only ones excited about the event. Paige wasn't impressed. She has yet to be impressed. She does request I fly it now and then. I find it strangely relaxing. I guess Happy Easter to me! 

 

Paige just loves Hagen. I just had to throw this picture in for cuteness.

 

 

My little brother graduated from BYU, and I represented our entire family for him. Poor guy. Can't believe he is headed to Notre Dame soon. Paige and I went down and stayed with her birth family. We had such a fun girls weekend. Paige's birth grandma, Melissa, watched her for me while I went to graduation. Such a blessing not to have to take her to the ceremony. Melissa then became my fashion consultant and took me shopping. I seriously needed this. I have no idea how to dress like an adult woman. Somehow, she convinced me to buy pink, skinny, cropped pants. Seriously not sure what she drugged me with. They did in fact come home with me and I have actually worn them. I feel stupid in them, but I wear them.

 

I taught myself to French braid, and I have to tell ya, sometimes I do pretty good. I had to document her cute hair.

 

Paige likes to "rope" with Mark, but always complained about not having a tiny rope. We got her this goat tying string in hopes it would satisfy her. She seems happier, and she makes one cute cowgirl, but it still doesn't do what she wants it to. I am not sure what she has conjured up in her mind.

 

On a cold, windy day, we passed these flowers on the way into the store. I was surprised they were alive, but they also reminded me of my mom. Mom always planted red geraniums in her flower beds and made sure she snatched her favorite color early. Paige insisted we stop and smell them. She is pretty good at reminding me to enjoy the little things in life.

 

We have the greatest friends who make sure to include us in their family gatherings. I feel so intrusive, but am so glad they let us come. We always have such a great time. Paige makes herself right at home. She crawls on "Grandma Patti's" lap, inserts herself into cousin pictures, and overall just blends herself right in.

 

Miss Paige has been a pretty good mommy lately. I love hearing her talk to her baby. Take her to the store, make her oatmeal, feed her milk, and put her down for naps. I love when Paige talks to herself and to her toys. I just overheard her say "excuse me miss." Cracks me up to hear what she comes up with in that imagination of hers.

 

 

I have often alluded that we have been going through some interesting challenges lately, and I feel like Paige's baby maybe a good transition. In February we contacted through a lawyer, who we actually really like, with an expectant mom who was due May 5th. Initially we were really excited about this baby boy and felt like it was something we should do. We contracted and committed ourselves to the situation. As time went on, things got a bit rough and it became obvious that it was not the situation for us. Ultimately the match fell through, and it was really difficult, but we also knew it was for the best. It is really hard knowing that there is a possibility for a baby and to realize and recognize it isn't meant to be. I think the hardest part is figuring out what the plan is, what is the plan for our family and am I doing my part? I feel like I am super on board with being obedient to His will, I just often times wish I knew how to recognize better what that might be. I learned the hard way that I can't let my desires, wishes, and impatience dictate what happens. I am not in charge, and I am sure it is better that way. So onto work gaining more faith, trust, and keeping a positive attitude and hope that things will work out the way that they are supposed to, in His time. Ahh. Easier said than done. I cope by trying to give myself diabetes by eating far too much junk food.

 

In the meantime, I am working on following President Uchtdorf's council given in Conference. I loved his talk about having an attitude of gratitude, gratitude IN things not FOR things. Learning to be grateful even in times of sorrow, or when things don't go our way. I know that if I could follow this advice that life would be so much more joyous and filled with less worry and anxiety. On that note, Paige really is quite the little character and gives me so many reasons to be happy. Mother's Day used to be so dreaded, and it brings a wide range of emotions even now, but I couldn't help but feel gratitude that I have one special little girl who brings me lots of joy, an incredible birth family that has given me this opportunity, an amazing mom, grandma, and other people I view as mothers in my life. Paige can make me tired, test my patience, and melt my heart all at the same time. She is my life, and being her mother has taught me so much.

 

Here are a few funny things she has said lately:

 

I was playing the piano and she walked in behind me. She stood there for a second and then said, "That song is amazing Mom!"

 

I was doing her hair and told her it was ridiculously messy. She turned around and said, "Ya, it IS ridiculous!"

 

When asked to participate in Primary and dance, she replied, "No thank you, I don't dance."

 

After having a bit of diarrhea, I came in to wipe her and said told her it was kind of a mess, she may have diarrhea. She said, "Hmmm, diarrhea, RIGHT!"

 

I asked her today if she knew how much I loved her. She told me "Ya, I know you did when I was just a little kid." She has told me about "when she was just a kid" a few times today.

 

She sang with all the Primary kids in sacrament meeting yesterday for the first time. Mark and I feared she would not get up there. When we told her it was time, she marched right on up, leading the way, and then was very disappointed she didn't get to use the microphone. From there, attention waned, but she did end up singing and got most of the words right.

 

I showed her a picture of President Monson and asked who it was. "It's Jesus"

"Nope, try again"

"Boppa" (grandpa)

"Nope, try again"

(a little exasperated) "It's a guy"

 

Hmm......yep you're right, it is a guy!

 

She will ask for something and I will tell her no. She then replies that she wants and needs it. I remind her I said no. She then tells me, "Well, I say yes" Little miss attitude.

 

She is continues to be the pickiest eater and is now surviving on peanut butter and bread, with raspberry jam. No other flavor satisfies her. And she is brand specific. She will also eat cheese rolls from Taco Bell. We keep them in business. She will force herself to throw up if I make her try anything else or anything new. Lovely.

 

She is constantly asking me if I think something is "tool" (cool) "Is this tool Mom?"

 

Out of the blue last week, she asked me if I got the blue little ball back. I had no idea what she was referring to me. She then explained, "Did you get the blue ball back from the doctor? I need it." Yes, she is referring to the craft ball she stuck up her nose, that was indeed blue, that was extracted by the doctor. No Paige. I let him throw that way.

 

And my favorite. I often hear: "I love you so much, Mom"

 

 

 

 



Slowly Spring

Life has been a bit of a whirlwind lately. It's been tough, really tough. I have learned some pretty hard lessons, and am still learning a few more. At times I feel like I may just implode while my skin is exploding with breakouts. It's been a pretty emotionally draining time to say the least. I'm trying to learn to be ok with the fact I may never understand or have the answers I wish to have, but someone else does and I can trust in that and leave it in His hands. Some days I feel like I am so on board with that lesson and riding high, other times I feel like a total failure. Sigh. What I do know, is that I have absolutely no control so the quicker I learn THAT lesson the better off I will be:).

Other than that jumble of fun, we haven't been up to a whole lot. The weather hasn't been cooperating real well and we are feeling some spring fever big time. Paige and I were able to get out and walk a day or two last week and enjoyed the little adventure. Paige loves the river bottoms. She now calls it the forest and warns me about the lions lurking about. We have tried to hit up the park a few times as well, and Paige's swing addiction is back with vengeance. Pushing her has become my new form of wrist physical therapy. I got sore ole paws after that activity! Mark and I have done some touch up painting (whoo hoo) and the big highlight on our project list was meeting with a landscaper and making some plans for the rock pile out here. I couldn't be happier about spending a large amount of money to have some professional yard service done. It is no small job and I am beyond ready to have some grass and beautification. The evil voice in my head wants to go big or go home and let them go all out while I watch from the window. I love to maintain the yard, but putting it all in sounds awful. And I really would love to have the whole package out there, grass, trees, shrubs, flowers, bark. I want it all, and I want it all now! However, since I am NOT willing to sell Paige or my right arm in order to have the funds I would need to make that happen, looks like we will be tackling one thing at a time over the next couple of years. Grass gets top priority and I hope that at some point this summer Paige and I will be enjoying some lovely green grass!

 

Paige loves me to read her stories, and I love reading to her. However, I draw the line at deep Gospel doctrine books. She was pretty upset I said no when she brought this to me. She kept telling me it had great pictures.

 

About a week ago we were able to catch up with Paige's birth mom. That is always time well spent and we love her so much. Paige and Liv got to spend some one on one time and I think they both had a blast. In fact, Paige was fairly upset when time was up. She's one lucky little girl who has a whole lot of love in her life!

 

Paige loves Yo Gabba Gabba and begs me for a doll every time she spots one in Old Navy. I 've gotten pretty good at saying no for various reasons, one of which was the ugliness of said doll. Since Paige peed her pants on our little trip and we were completely unprepared for such an occurrence, Liv had to take Paige shopping for some new drawers. Liv gets the luxury of spoiling Paige and I am pretty sure Paige could sense that Liv will probably always say yes haha. Paige got new pants and she finally came home with Muno. Muno has since been an obsession and goes wherever Paige goes. I must admit, the whole thing makes me smile and now this ugly little doll reminds me of one beautiful birth mom! It's a win.

 

Paige loves when Dad gets home from work. He isn't very good at sitting still, and neither is she, so they find some sort of odd job to keep them busy. After puttering outside for a bit, I noticed the dad, the daughter, and the dog headed out to catch the horses from the pasture. It made me pretty happy.

 

Last night they played farmer and harrowed the pasture on what Mark only wished was an actual tractor. Paige was pretty much a popsicle after that adventure. Idaho springtime.

 

I love when I can hear Paige playing with her toys. While I was cooking dinner, I could hear Paige talking and singing away upstairs. When I made it up there, this is what I found. She sure loves her stuffed friends and had lined them up so nicely to watch her little show. Cracks me up.

 

 

Another great moment with her friends.

 

 

And last but not least, the reason why Paige and I are seriously coveting grass.

Sunshine

Time is cruising and I am falling further and further behind. Hopefully I can regurgitate what we have been up to while I still remember it! Life has treated us well lately, and spring is trying to peak it's head through the clouds and wind. Thank goodness, bring on the sun! I am just a happier person when the sun is shining and the air is warm. Feels so good to get out.

Horses have somewhat monopolized our life lately....and I am ok with that! The ponies have been at pony camp all winter, and since they are coming home soon, we have made the most of riding time with Sherman our trainer, or as we like to call him, the horse whisperer. It has been nice to go out and ride with him. I have learned so much and my confidence grows with each ride. I feel like he has helped me to understand Tucker better and how to get the most out of him. What I love most about riding is what it teaches me about myself. I enjoy building a relationship with my horse and I am learning to recognize the reasons behind his actions and what to do about it. Can't get enough of learning! We have definitely created a monster in Paige and she loves to go out and ride as much as any of us. She thinks she is big and should get to ride Tucker all by herself. When she does, the first thing she asks to do is run. Paige is catching the riding bug, and even asked if she could ride Roxy the other day. Pretty sure the dog would love that! With Mark's big Christmas gift around the corner, he wanted to get some practice sessions in before heading off to roping school. We thought this particular day was a pretty spectacular since we only needed one coat out at the arena. My face did get sunburnt which honestly I embraced. Paige rode on the four wheeler and pulled the heel-o-matic for hours. Unfortunately, Mark learned all his practice was in vain....haha! More on that to come. We spent two Saturdays with Mark's buddy Chad hoping Mark could get a good handle on things. Good thing we just enjoy being out there together with good company!

While I was busy packing and cleaning in preparation for our little excursion, I noticed Paige found a great new toy holder. Bring on the stainless steel fingerprints! Totally worth the smile this brought though.

As a refresher, being the awesome wife that I am, and equally convincing my friend to be an awesome wife, we got the hubby's a few days in Arizona at a roping school with Mike Beers, who is a world champion roper. It gave us all something to look forward to. Initially it was supposed to be a guys trip, but they loved us enough to insist we join them and I am glad! It was so nice to get out of the cold and enjoy perhaps the most fabulous weather ever. Like seriously, heaven. Low 80s, little to no breeze. And when I say breeze, I mean actual breeze not Idaho breeze which, let's face it, doesn't exist. We only have wind and hurricane wind. While the boys spent the hours 9-4 roping, the wives enjoyed a little R and R. We left our kids in good hands, with the exception of little Hayes. He sure is a cute baby and has an amazing temperament. One happy content little dude! Hayes was an absolute pleasure to have around. Mandi---ya did good! We rented a vacation home that was pretty much out of our league. I felt all sorts of fancy buzzing into the gated community. Mandi and I enjoyed running on the scenic streets and waving to the BMWs or golf carts that whizzed by. The house, the area, were just perfect!

Bruce, Mark, Mike Beers, and Weston. We started off strong insisting we get a "first day of school" photo. The boys were fairly embarrassed. I thought they looked nice all cowboyed up and holding shiny new ropes!

This baby is cute. Even with his eyes closed, even with the his scary pale friend.

After dropping off the guys, we soon realized we had no agenda. I failed on the travel agent side of things. Since we had time to kill, we decided to make the trek down to the Gilbert temple. I was pretty much blown away by pictures I had seen from the dedication and was dying to see it in person. It didn't disappoint.. Lovely. One of my favorite temples ever.  Didn't hurt that the weather was just gorgeous. It made for a nice stroll!

 

I have decided that I feel awkward when posing. I notice now that I do this strange lean thing that somewhat results in a hunchback effect. Mandi steals the show and saves the photo with her beautifulness. This shot isn't too bad, the ones Mandi later took of Mark and I are just plain sad.



On one of our morning runs, we came across this lovely scene. Dead diamond back, dead mouse. Hmmm. We spent the rest of the run trying to piece together that mystery and also watching our steps a  bit more. It had been a long time since I ran, and had gone on a run I actually enjoyed. I actually quite enjoyed my morning runs with Mandi. The weather was so great and the area so beautiful, you couldn't help but to soak it in, even while sweating and gasping for air. I'm not sure how this happens,

but we ran uphill way more than we ran downhill.

Another picture of our neighborhood which hugged this golf course. Ya, I could move there. I'm fairly certain my only way into that neighborhood will be to clean the houses of the fabulously wealthy. And I am ok with that. I can clean!

Mark and Bruce on the final day of school. Mark said it was pretty humbling. Mike Beers isn't afraid to tell ya you do it wrong. Mark apparently got humbled a bit more than the others, and got to buy two shiny red ropes since Mike cut his first one to teach him a lesson. All of his practice had been in vain since Mike informed them all that their swings were entirely wrong.  Nice. In the end, they all agreed they were better than when they came. Mark claims to have even caught 8 in a row. I think they had a good time and consider the trip to be a success.

Mark in the box looking really serious.

Once roping school was all done, we were once again at a loss as to what to do. We did lots of poolside sitting, lots of eating, lots of nothing---just what I needed! The boys weren't quite as down with sitting around so the last night we decided to hit up the Mesa temple. It was just nice to enjoy a good walk in the sun, admiring actual blooming plants. Ok, so now can you see what I mean? I am doing a weird lean thing. I think Mark makes it worse cuz he really pulls ya in close for those pictures!

 

Our friends Coy and Emilee watched Paige for us while we were gone. I've said it before but I will say it again, we are blessed to have great friends! Paige was so excited to go to their house. I was praying she would be a good girl and not drive them too crazy. It is always harder to watch other people's kids than your own. And let's face it, Paige is fairly certain she is in charge of everyone. Emilee swears she was a good girl, even though at one point Paige told Emilee to 'leave her sister alone!" Paige latched onto 10 year old Bailee. She slept in her bed and I am sure followed her around endlessly. At one point, Bailee got in trouble with Emilee and Paige was not having it! See---Paige is completely sure she is the boss.

 

 

This is beyond cute. Holding hands, snuggling up. Paige needs siblings, in the meantime I am grateful we have great friends to help her fill the void!

 

Besides our little excursion, life has been a bit hectic lately. I maybe developing an ulcer haha. Just kidding---kind of. I feel like I am learning a lot of lessons, the hard way. Definitely a time of growth which is good. I am realizing I do not have all the answers and that is ok. I am trying to have more faith and trust that someone else does and that He knows what is best. I wish I was better at recognizing what His will was and was better about aligning myself with it. I suppose that is all part of what I am trying to learn and there is no easy way to do it. Mandi gave me the greatest blessing yesterday by allowing me to go to the temple. I needed it so badly. While I am not entirely sure it solved all my problems, I greatly needed the peace and safety I felt inside. I actually cried walking in. I was just so happy to be there! Growing pains are hard, but I appreciate them. I need them. I need to do better, to be better, to progress.

 

As always, Paige continues to bring much joy and laughter into our home. My favorite things lately:

 

1. Talking to her on the phone while on our trip. I am never on the receiving end of her phone conversations and it was so fun to hear her cute little voice and to hear her tell me she "loves me so much."

 

2. When I tell her it is time for bed, or time to go to the gym, or to church, she now trots herself over to the clock on the side table. Gives it a good look and informs it isn't time yet. Not sure what she is seeing and processing. Mostly I think she is just certain she is the boss and even time bows to her command.

 

3. After church she waited until Mark and I were changing out of our church clothes, slid a chair to the fridge, grabbed a can of frosting, and helped herself to a spoon. This is completely my fault. Yes, I eat frosting with a spoon. More regularly since it satisfies my sweet tooth and is easy to eat with braces. I made the mistake of letting Paige share in the moment. One day she told me frosting was like yogurt. No, Paige, not like yogurt! I have felt a substantial loss discovering the grocery store no longer carries Rainbow Chip frosting. It is now called Rainbow Sprinkles and has stupid sprinkles you can add on top. I want the traditional multi colored chips people!

 

4. When I tell her she can't play on the iPad or have a treat, she informs me I need to share. Hard to explain myself out of that at times.

 

5. She continues to love makeup and told me the other day her lips didn't match her shirt.

 

6. She loves kids and will go up to anyone she feels like is her size and ask "will you play with me?" So sweet. She implores me with the same question and it's impossible to turn her down. Other kids don't have a problem saying no and it always tugs my heart a bit.

 

7. Thanks to FaceTime with my parents, Paige now thinks anytime you are on the phone you can see what is going on. She will hold up things to the phone all the time.

 

8. The kid likes to sing and dance and I love to watch it. Today "Let it Go" played over and over and she sang along each and every time. Love hearing actual words and laughing when she has no clue what the words are.

 

9. She loves animals and loves to play fetch with Roxy and loves to pet the cat. She is as excited about nice days as I am and now asks if it is a nice day. She continues to think fishing is the greatest of all activities. If I ask what we should do, that is what she tells me. Mind you, we have never been fishing. Looks like we need to! Mark likes to, and it is easily accessible, but she's three and it isn't something on my top list to do. Apparently Paige thinks that needs to change.

 

 



 



Bleak

It has been a month since my last post, but it really has felt much longer. I have had little desire to catch up for multiple reasons. First, I think my computer is dying. Now that I have an Ipad, I rarely want to fire up the slow, laborious laptop to do anything. Since it takes forever to update things, I don't---which I think is ultimately why blogger likes to send me an error anytime I try to do ANYTHING. Nothing in my life seems important enough to jump through all those hoops! For the last two weeks I dreaded transferring photos from my phone to the computer. Laziness anyone? I finally convinced myself to tackle the project since it is 9:00 and Paige is still asleep. I wish she would let me know when she plans on sleeping in so I can! The past few days she has rolled into our room 7-7:30ish which is a good half hour to hour earlier than she usually wakes up. Yes, I know I am spoiled but I enjoy being spoiled folks! Paige has learned so many awesome tricks this last month and I am not a fan.

First, this happened:

 

Paige is officially in her big girl room. I have not decorated it an ounce. I was hoping to have it all sorts of cute before the big move, but when Paige started standing on top of her crib rails I decided she was just going to have to move to the land of desolation. She does pretty awesome, but some unanticipated problems have arose. Paige has discovered she can reach the cords for the blinds and loves opening and closing them---at all hours. She can now reach the light switches to turn things on, but is too short to then turn anything off. When I go in to check on her before I go to bed, the blinds are open, the lights are on, and she is drooling on her duvet cover. I can now reach her to kiss her on her forehead which has been a nice plus as I gingerly try to reposition her back into a normal sleeping position. Paige is back to taking naps, as long as I will lay down by her until she falls asleep. Usually this results in naptime for both of us. Not a huge complaint there....however, she wants someone to lay down with her at night. Mark was obliging until I shot that idea down. We are not making a habit of that! Since birth, Paige has been the greatest nighttime routine gal I've ever known. Bedtime was rock solid, easy as pie. Not about to rock that boat and digress. I only concede at naptime, because well, I HAVE TO HAVE naptime. I hope she's ten and takes naps.

 

This next section is a homage to how cute Paige is. Really, besides her ridiculous cuteness, this month has been incredibly long, cold, and fairly dull.

 

 

The girl loves a new hairdo and I have to say I was slightly impressed my abilities this Sunday. I can not do my own hair and I was pretty nervous that any girl I maybe in charge of raising would always look homeless. While my technique is entirely made up, I am able to accomplish the task at hand and it usually looks pretty good.

 

Paige came out of the womb with monkey toes. In her early days, she was pretty good at using those babies for unintended purposes. Once she began to walk and use her toes as nature intended, I felt like we left those less desirable talents behind. That is until I saw her play Hungry Hippos in a whole new way. On a side note, whoever thought it was a good idea to put one yellow marble in that game should be shot. The amount of tears shed by children of all ages over that marble is astounding. Paige cries for an entirely different reason. Rather than caring if her hippo actually eats the yellow marble, she is obsessed with the yellow hippo eating the yellow marble. No game starts until she manually shoves it down the poor yellow hippo's throat. Since I understand this, our games are fun-filled marble eating adventures. When others come by who aren't as knowledgeable about the way things work around here, mass chaos  and breakdowns ensue.

 

While I can now go to the bathroom alone, Paige has discovered this is the perfect opportunity to help herself to treats and cookies that used to be safe on the counter. I caught her and Minnie red handed chomping down on some breakfast cookies.

 

After watching the Olympics, I was inspired by the Swedish, Norway, Dutch blonde hair blue eyed look and channeled Paige's inner milkmaid. She pulled it off rather well and worked the camera pretty good.

 

This outfit was super styling until Mark took Paige out on some errands to the local Cal Ranch. Apparently Paige needed to look the part and discovered she owned a John Deere hat and that it actually now fits her. She insisted Mark let her wear it, and she wore it with pride, striking yet another pose in the dog food aisle. While I can empathize with hat wearing, pink cords and modeling are not things I have personal experience with.

 

 

Two of my brothers came up for President's Day weekend and we had ourselves a mini reunion. It was nice to have family around. I had quite the crew at church and for the first time in a long time I felt like I had some "peeps". I've never really had a house full of company and it was a first for me. It is definitely work, but oh so worth it. I was shocked how quiet and lonesome things felt once everyone left. This little man looks so much like his daddy---a pleasant change around these parts. Mark's family possesses some seriously strong genetics and his family all look very related. I never felt like my family looked like each other at all. None of us look like my parents or each other. Besides having blonde hair, moles, and varying degrees of bad eyes, our similarities kind of come to an end. The second generation has strongly supported this trend and I feel like all my nephews look like their moms. The only binding force is an unfortunate food allergy epidemic. Enter Bennett. This kid looks exactly like his dad and can eat most anything. Score!

 

Speaking of genetics, I think it is safe to say my parents reached deep into their genetic waste bins when creating me. Seriously. I am not sure how this happened since I am the middle child. Shouldn't the youngest get all the leftovers? Sadly, my little brother rocks some pretty stellar attributes and I am left feeling fairly robbed. While it maybe safe to say I suffer with poor self-esteem, (confession--totally battle this, always have, always will it seems) the fact that I've inherited some pretty awesome genes cannot be overlooked. We started the year off at the eye doctor where I learned my already legally blind status somehow got worse---by an entire power in both eyes. The good news is I win the prize as the most near sighted person the doctor sees. The bad news is that coupled with how abnormally large my unattractive eyeballs are, this increases my risk of retina detachment. That sounds not good. I was given a new prescription and quite shocked with how much nicer the world looked. I also felt a lot of gratitude that I was not born 100 years ago as I would not have survived being a pioneer.

 

Paige drew me this self portrait and I am not going to lie---it is fairly accurate:

 

 

All eyes people. All eyes. Totally cute coming from her, offensive coming from anyone else. Yes, I am speaking to you nurse midlife lady who announced to the whole waiting room I must have a thyroid problem manifested by my protruding eyes. Thanks, I am totally healthy (minus high cholesterol and serious mental problems).

 

 

And for the third time I am rocking these. This has been embarrassingly tragic for me. I often felt like crawling into a hole before, and now I seriously just want to hide. Between residual acne and braces I feel like I am reliving the awkward teen years, and quite honestly I wonder if I have ever left them behind. Recently, a friend posted a video from a high school homecoming date. Fortunately I had a soccer game that day and only made an appearance to eat dessert post dance. Unfortunately, as each observer poked fun at their dress, braces, and awkwardness I had to laugh as I picked food out these while rocking my high school soccer sweatshirt. I realize there are worse problems than braces, but goodness I feel ugly. And miserable. Were these that uncomfortable in high school or am I lightweight in my old age? And apparently my hygiene wasn't as important in high school because I wasn't afraid to eat and eat in public. Eating anything without collecting it for hours seems impossible. After two days, I attempted my first real meal and enjoyed some Chinese food. I then enjoyed Chinese food again for dinner 6 hours later. Eating feels like so much work anymore, and I guess in a round about way I shall exhibit more self control than I knew I had. I have discovered that frosting and cookie dough are some of the easier and cleaner menu items so touting self-control maybe premature.

 

Oh and in case you caught a glimpse of dark hair in the picture above, yes I am rocking this do:

 

 

I am currently on the 8 month hair plan. I rarely get to go into the salon anymore. I finally decided enough was enough. I took in great picture of a nice blonde with lowlights. Apparently there was some miscommunication. I was shocked at the big reveal. Mark really likes it and I was fairly grateful that while it wasn't what I envisioned, it wasn't green. My hair looks healthier dark and so it stays until it fades enough that going back to blonde won't totally destroy it. I have now posted two selfies that hide the majority of my face....I may have a few self image problems!