Whatever Floats your Boat

 

 

A little over a week ago, Paige notified me she was awake and ready for the day. When I got in there, she told me not to touch her she was on a boat. I have no idea where this idea came from, but it is safe to say it is a new obsession. In fact, I am typing this post from one of her boats. She's fairly insistent on who rides, where they sit, and when you can get off. Most of the time I am on driving duty, but you can only drive so many boats to the cookie store in a day. I've convinced her to let me type while Puppy drives.

 

 

Fortunately Dad comes home from work and takes a turn on the boat.

 

 

Besides boat riding, I've been mourning Paige's third birthday. She is growing up so fast. She is doing all she can to savor her terrible two's. Since Thanksgiving my sweet little one has been slightly possessed. We have had stages like this before, a week or two of sheer terror. She can throw one nasty fit and lately everything has been a fight. Getting into the car, getting out of the car, going potty, not going potty, eating, brushing teeth, putting on socks....you get the picture. I'm hoping teeth are the culprit because I can not figure out why the sudden shift in demeanor. I've had some less than proud mommy moments as I have tried to learn some patience and how to better handle her screaming into my face multiple times a day. I will say that I feel like I have shown signs of improvement. Yesterday, she spent some quality time in her room beating her legs against the floor while I managed to zone out and eat my lunch in relative peace.

 

Her birthday is always a time of reflection for me. Each year as she grows, I wonder if this will be the last kid I watch learn to walk, talk, and grow into their own little person. The time goes so fast. It feels like sand between my fingers and I hope that I treasure my time with her enough. There are hard moments, but oh so many good ones. She is getting big and changing so fast. Paige has taught me so much, and I love experiencing life through her point of view. I feel like I get to be a kid all over again because of her. I get to color, watch cartoons, get excited about things like the moon, see Santa, and recognize the magic still left in the world. It seems like time has flown by, but it also seems like she has been a part of our family forever. I can't imagine my life without her, and I am beyond blessed!

 

We did see Santa this week and Paige did pretty well. I prepped her all day and got her pretty excited. When it came right down to it, she was shy but willingly sat on his lap and snuggled up close. She really just wanted to snuggle with Santa and I don't think he realized she was trying to be loving. Pretty sure Santa thought she was scared. She managed to mumble "presents" when he asked what she wanted for Christmas. Paige apparently is only particular about her food, presents are presents! I was personally very impressed with Santa. He was a good one!

 

 

The other event of the week was a new cast. I have another month and a half to go, but I'm halfway through! I requested black again, but they were out. From there, there really wasn't a "good" choice. White gets too dirty, navy blue doesn't look navy blue and looks very hospital-ish. The rest are all very colorful and scream, "look at me!" In my head I thought, "purple is like black, let's do that." Hmmm. Purple does NOT look like black!  At least Paige is a fan. She has been pretty excited about my  purple "owie" and how it matches her fingernails. I, however, feel like I'm five. If it would only light up when I shook it things would be perfect. I took a picture of my skin during the short lived freedom I experienced, but I will spare you. Disgusting, smelly, and itchy. I tried my best to exfoliate while I had the chance, but don't think it was too productive. I did leave a pretty pile of skin behind. Embarrassing.

 

 

Mark's mom watched Paige last Saturday while we did some Christmas shopping. Her cousins were in town and Paige loved every moment. Madison is 15 and was snap chatting with some friends. She caught Paige in the background copying her every move. Kind of hilarious.

 

 

Paige took our orders the other night at Texas Roadhouse. She took it very seriously. She even suggested I put cheese on my hamburger. I like the way she thinks.

 





 

I walked into the piano room the other night, flipped on the lights, and found my spot on the bench occupied. Made me laugh.

 

 

Random things she has said lately:

 

After putting on her coat, she saluted me and said, "Thank you sir"

 

"Hey, I have an idea. I think I need something yummy"

 

"I want to be naughty and go to time out."

 

"I don't want to be sad, I just want to be happy."

 

"I don't like to walk on the snow. It's gross and a huge mess."

 

"Dad, let's sing bird" (My Heavenly Father Loves Me) "Paige, I don't know that one." "You should learn it---it's fun." Mark says they have this conversation every night.



Thanksgiving Adventures

 

How is it already the holidays? HOW?! This year flew by. A year ago, Mom and Dad shared the news of their mission call and I was kind of sad all last season knowing things would forever be different. We will officially be spending all holidays with Mark's family for the next three years, but I'm glad we have some family around to share it with. In true Thanksgiving spirit, we convinced Mark's parents that eating out is way better than working for days on a meal----especially a meal centered around turkey. I have yet to have a turkey that I actually enjoy. Just not my thing. Yes, you can now "boo" me for destroying the holiday. Does it count that I was really thankful we didn't have to cook or clean? We met Mark's parents and his brother's family at Tucanos. Delicious! We showed up, ate, and left a mess for someone else to clean up. It was really quite fabulous. We stayed at the City Creek Marriot so we could enjoy downtown SLC. After lunch, Mark, Paige, and I went  to Frozen. It was great and captivated a very tired little girl. Afterwards, we visited Paige's birth family. So great to catch up! Have I mentioned how much we ADORE them? Wish life wasn't so busy and we could get together more.

Paige convinced the makeup queen to give her a makeover, and Olivia was nice enough to let Paige loose with a brush and very nice makeup. Paige also managed to "put her socks away" in a spot where nobody could find them. I did get a text a day later that they were found in a file cabinet drawer. I will take responsibility for Paige wanting things to be in order.

 

Paige loves grandpa's!

 

 

Lunch was during naptime so we got a little creative trying to keep Paige entertained. She also wouldn't eat one single thing besides the peanut butter and jelly sandwich I brought all the way from home--yet another reason why lots of time in the kitchen is usually wasted. Paige will currently eat yogurt, sliced cheese, instant oatmeal, and PB&J's

 

The cast is a beautiful accessory don't you think?

 

 

Two of my most favorite girls in the world! Paige took the makeup tips very seriously.

 

Friday we had a lot of time to kill waiting for the Christmas lights to come on at Temple Square. Nothing we wanted to do less than shop on Black Friday, but since we had never been to Scheels, we thought we would give it a go. It's huge, so despite the fact it was packed, we didn't really notice. Paige begged and begged to ride the Ferris Wheel and actually liked it. Mark was initially nervous because Paige wanted off while they waited at the top for all the other riders to load and unload. Once the thing got rolling, Paige squealed with glee the entire time and I got lots of excited waves. Worth the buck for sure!

 

 

After two days without naps, and a late night, Paige was in rare form. We went on a scenic drive up to Alta and Snowbird while she snoozed in the car. It turned out to be a great drive. There was not a lot of snow, so I'm not certain why people were insisting on skiing, but it was fun to see the massiveness of the mountains. I lived in Utah all those years and didn't touch skis or a snowboard until we moved. Go figure. Paige was only more fussy post nap, and pretty much ruined the Temple Square experience for all of us. We had talked it up for so long and she talked like she really wanted to go, but really it was awful. If she had been more refreshed, I think she really would have enjoyed it. She really just wanted to sit in the Tabernacle the whole time. Mark and I were shocked with how small the old Tabernacle felt. I actually remember attending General Conference there once with my dad, one of the last ones before the Conference Center was dedicated (an event I also witnessed first hand).

 

 

Cute faces. Paige refused to smile, and yes we may need to have surgery down the road to correct the forehead issues. Poor thing needs to learn to stick out the hands when she falls! Well, hmm, that didn't work too well for me. Maybe tuck and roll?

 

 

We got home late Friday night, we couldn't take much more vacation without naps. This ended up being a huge blessing....more to come on that. Paige woke up Saturday bright eyed and ready for action. She persistently requested I take this picture of her and all her friends.

 

Saturday was catch up day and after a two year hiatus due to moving multiple times around Christmas, I convinced Mark we had to put up the Christmas decorations without waiting one more day. Also a blessing in disguise. Mark went down into the crawlspace to grab our decorations and discovered water. Yay. Our furnace is super fancy and heats the house by using water from our well. Long story short, the soil outside the house was saturated and the excess water was draining back into our  basement. There wasn't too much water since we caught the problem the day it occurred. We can be grateful we came home from our trip early and that I insisted on decorating. Only our entire storage and everything my parent's own is in our crawlspace. No biggie. The water was isolated in a bare area and nothing was damaged. 

 

Our living room. I am not too fancy. Someday I would like to fill my shelves full of Christmas décor I love and matches. I have a few things smattered in there with my normal, everyday stuff. Most of my stuff is from my mom who has great taste. My parents sent me a Kneeling Santa sculpture for Christmas this year.  It is a favorite of mine and completely reminds me of my childhood and them. I need more things of that nature, but I think it will take many years to build a great collection. I think that stupid glass on the counter is a nice addition and adds to the ambiance. Wish I would have noticed that before taking the picture and downloading it to my computer.

 

 

Paige came in to my bathroom Sunday with this ensemble telling me she was all ready for "church day." That puppy was a free gift from Scheels with a $50 dollar purchase. We saw a table full on the way in and took our own sweet time to shop and play. Paige would NOT stop talking about the puppy and we assured her we would get her one. When we finally got to checking out with our qualifying purchases, Mark noticed them moving the display and we just missed the puppy handout. Explain that one to the tired two-year old! They still had some left, but they had ended the Black Friday promotion. I guess Paige gave a cute enough sad face and convinced the guy to let it slide. The puppy has been well loved since!

 

And here is our nice little pool we are putting in the backyard thanks to the furnace. Mark and friends spent the better half of the last two days fixing it and I hope it is. The 5 inches of snow from last night did nothing to help the situation. Neither did the 14 degrees and gusty winds. I just loathe winter. Exactly one week ago today, Paige and I were at the park in jackets. I knew it was too good to be true! Sigh. Inevitable, but if it had waited just a few more days life would have been easier! Oh and see there is now a completely good reason we procrastinated doing any landscaping and yard planting this summer!

 

Positivity at Work

 



This week has been a bit rough. Fortunately for me, I have been working on my positive attitude so it hasn't dumped me into complete despair. My heart has been a bit achey, but I'm still holding as tight as I can to hope and optimism.

 

First things first. At my first post-op visit I learned that I will indeed be rocking the cast for 3 months. That leaves me with about 8 or 9 weeks left since they counted the time spent in the postop club. I'm getting to be fairly proficient with the cast as long as it doesn't involve water. Dishes and hair washing are my biggest challenges. Writing is a bit difficult as well. It looks as if Paige is signing all my checks. When all is said and done, between the break and the surgery, I will have spent almost 6 months in a cast. The pins can be a bit sore at times, especially in the cold. Twisting and rotating is usually not a good idea either. Opening jars and cans are the bane of my existence. But other than inconvenience, it isn't too bad and all is well.

 

 

Thought I would document what my arm looks like since it will be a while until I see it again. The biggest incision and the one all the pins were placed through is on the side, below my thumb.

 

And my loyal friend. My thumb is immobilized and that has been tough. The cast doesn't come up as high on my hand or my arm which has been nice. I have enough of my fingers free that I can grip things somewhat.

 

 

This week started off with news that my sweet grandma was admitted to the ICU. I've been fairly out of the loop as to what actually happened, but maybe that was a blessing in disguise. We almost lost her a few times, and by the time I got a decent update, the worst was over. It's hard to see her feel so awful. She is still recovering from breaking her hip, and now has ulcers lining her entire digestive tract. We went down Friday to see her and she looked pretty good, but I couldn't help but feel how fragile life is, and how hard it is to age. Getting old just stinks, and I am convinced that one of the biggest trials of mortality is leaving it. I'm sure the rest of her days will not be without discomfort. I got to share some sweet moments with her for which I will forever be grateful. She is the most patient, loving, kind, and beautiful woman. She just radiates goodness and was more concerned about me (as usual) than herself. We were able to FaceTime with my parents and I know that meant a lot to her and to them. Grandma was grateful to see my dad's face and just said how much she loved him over and over. Technology is such an amazing thing! I regret not being able to keep my emotions in check. I am not sure it helped raise her spirits much having to comfort me, and I fear I was not comforting her a lick with the sadness and concern written all over my face. Not to mention the excess snot I shared.

 

After deciding to put adoption out of my mind to focus on the holidays and surgery, adoption once again found me. This one was particularly difficult. I feel like the situation completely came to us, and because of a number of circumstances, I was really thinking this was it. I tried not to get excited and tried to remain cautious, but it was so reminiscent of how things felt when we met Olivia that I was sure things had a good chance of working out. Mark even expressed similar feelings. When all was said and done, the expectant mother chose another family that she felt was the best choice for her. That is how it should be and I hope the best for her. She is a sweet girl and I appreciated the opportunity I had to get to know her briefly. I have nothing but love for those that are finding themselves in these situations and with all the courage and bravery in the world, make a plan for themselves and their babies. Regardless, it is still hard to be so hopeful and have things not work out the way you want. Once again, I recognize I know nothing and I trust that things work out as they should, regardless of what I personally want. It has very little to do with what I want, and I am sure it is better that way. However, I feel like I am most angry with myself and doubt even more that I have any capability to discern promptings and the Spirit. I left the situation feeling confused about what I needed to learn and what my role in the whole thing was supposed to be. I let my mind wander, dream, and envision what it would be like if it all worked out. Bad idea! Even though I understood and supported her and her decision, it still just hurt and I felt consumed with disappointment. My parents were so busy all week and I wasn't able to talk to my mom about it at all. That is hard, but I have some good friends that are willing to let me cry on their shoulder when needed. Each day that passes things get better, and like I said, I feel fortunate I have been in a place where I am working on keeping a positive attitude, remembering all the things that I do have, and the many blessings I enjoy.

"Hope on, Journey on!"

 

Paige laid out her blanket the other morning and declared we were to have a picnic. She's just sweet.

 

 

She loves to help me make dinner even though it makes me a nervous wreck to have her near the stove. I usually don't let her help me at this stage, but she was so insistent and I was beyond attentive. She took a quick stir and was content to let me take over.

 

The gym emailed me this cute shot from the Halloween party a few weeks back. I sure love this little girl! Glad she is insistent we are "best friends forever."

 

 

On Thursday, Beth and I took the kids on an adventure. We were first timers but had a marvelous time! Her little boys are so fun to be around, and these three play so well together. Paige loves to follow them around and copy their every move. She did whip out a few unforgettable dance performances that I was fortunate to catch on film, all on her own. Mamma bear came out a time or two as some of the other little kids decided Paige and Beth needed to participate in dodge ball. Nothing like having a strange kid chuck balls at your 2 year old's face. I probably could have handled it with a bit more patience.

 

 

On Saturday, we took Tucker out to the trainer's for the winter. He needs a bit of a tune-up and I hope to have some lessons on him this winter. I really want to improve my riding! Tucker is such a sweet boy, especially in the arena. Paige insisted on using her reins, which are saddle strings, instead of holding the actual reins. That sure makes the process more difficult, but Tucker was pretty good about it and just followed me as I walked out in front. When we put Tucker in his stall, Paige burst into tears. I don't know if it is because she thought he was imprisoned or because he wasn't coming back home with us. She was fairly inconsolable!

 

 

Funny things Paige has said lately:

 

 

When she picks out her underwear each day: Nope, not those ones. I will pee in those and make a sad choice. Yes, these ones, I will keep them clean.

 

 

After wiping up a mess on the floor: Good as new Mom!

 

 

Telling her to eat her dinner so she won't be hungry she says: I don't want to be hungry, I just want to be Paige.

 

 

Scolding the cat: Boots, don't be naughty, don't come in the house and make a sad choice.

 

Scolding me at the trampoline park: Don't throw things at your friends (I was playing with Beth's son Parker. She may have been confused after the whole strange kid nailing unsuspecting people in the face ordeal)

Don't jump like that Mom, you will hurt your head.

 

I need to watch Buzz. Buzz Lightyear (not to be confused with other Buzz's).

 

Your car smells like poop Mom. (it kind of did for awhile--unknown origin)



 

 

 



 

Change

Earlier this year, it felt that everyone and everything around me was going through a change of sorts, and I was stagnant. I HATED it. Some people really like to coast, and I probably should too, but I am not good at it. I get anxious and crave change. I don't know what's wrong with me. If no outside forces are causing anxiety, I can conjure up some good worries all on my own. I fretted about my perceived road blocks and wished for something, anything to happen. Then a whole lot of rollercoaster rides happened, none of which resulted in anything but a good ride and I kind of wanted off! I realized that living the good life wasn't too bad and it really was possible to just be happy. Once again, I credit it to good people in my life. As my birthday neared, I was pretty darn depressed that where I thought I'd be at 30 is not where I am at all. I thought I'd have things figured out at this point. When you're 15, 30 seems plenty old to have yourself together! I do not think for one bit I have this life thing figured out. I still don't know how to dress, or how to wear make-up. I still have juvenile thoughts and tendencies. I honestly just feel slower, older, have welcomed some unflattering additions like wrinkles, sun damage (self-induced but no melanoma----yet, that's my current favorite worry btw) and unwanted hair in unwanted places (too much information you say?!).  However, I am learning that some things are just flat out of my control and I will always want something different until I learn to just accept things and choose to be happy. It's a new thing for me and I am not an expert yet. I could feel a sense of despair setting in today about something I wish and want so badly, but it is out of my hands and no sense letting the want ruin the now! So, while nothing in my life has changed much this year, I have noticed a few small differences. Mostly in myself. I'm trying and that's an ok place to be.

 

This little bug is constantly changing. Doesn't she just look so grown up? She is getting big and smart and just blossoming into her own little person. We got our flu shots and she handled it like a champ! Mine hurt like a bugger and I had a sore arm for a few days. What gives?!

 

 

Paige gave me the sticker she got for being so brave at the doctor. She placed it there herself and said my "owie" was all better. It did make me feel pretty good and I'm sure drew even more attention  to the club. I go in tomorrow and hope to say goodbye to this thing and learn the game plan for the next 3 months.

 

 

Mark and Paige gave me this beautiful picture for my birthday. I've wanted it for years but couldn't bring myself to purchase it. I love it, and it looks great in our living room. And of course what's a day without some tea from a pink cup?

 

 

And just to make Monday a bit more bearable, we met up with Beth and her cute boys for some playtime. I'm thinking an arranged marriage might be in Paige's future, and Beth has two good options! Paige had a great time sitting there with Parker until we actually put a token in the ride. At that point she was done.

 

 

 

Blessed

Despite the lack of an opposable thumb, this week has been beyond amazing and I have had an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the people in my life. There have been times in the past where I have felt so alone, down-trodden, and down right miserable. I am trying to understand why I felt so isolated in those moments, because I am surrounded by good people! I must have had blinders on. Watching my parents leave on their mission was a challenge, and I miss them, but my Heavenly Father has blessed me in their absence with wonderful friends. Your mom has to love you, friends choose to!

I went to bed thinking how amazing and mindful people can be. I hope I can follow their lead and look outside myself more. Let me share a few examples of what I'm talking about:

First, my sweet husband has been so good to make beds, wash dishes, and bathe the baby. These aren't normal tasks for him, and he has really stepped up to the plate. His sweet mom watched Paige on surgery day and took us all out to dinner last night for my birthday. She's a doll!

Second, we have had more meals and treats than we know what to do with. Sunday was a night of good friends and food. It was fun to get together with two families in our ward and enjoy each other's company. Lots of laughs-- the best medicine for sure.

Third, a good friend brought my favorite salad for dinner, and personalized dishes for my significant others on Monday. She is so service oriented and is always so mindful of me and my needs! I also had a wonderful neighbor bring enough potatoes over to serve as a side for all our dinner meals this week.

Fourth, another good friend invited Paige and I over for lunch on Tuesday. We had such a fun visit and our kids played so well together. She didn't laugh at my irrational worries, and listened as I poured out some embarrassing challenges and weaknesses, all without passing judgment. Her children are so sweet. I feel like they were my substitute kids during those infertile years and they just melt me. They are growing so fast, but still let me give them hugs. They are great kids!

Fifth, a friend from high school and I have recently become reacquainted. I feel like we missed some valuable years I can never get back. She just might be my other half, my MUCH better other half. I want to be just like her when I grow up. She brought  Paige and I lunch and then proceeded to wash my hair, put gel in it, and blow it dry. This brings tears to my eyes. Such a silly thing, but while I can manage those things, it isn't easy and only half my hair ever gets clean. Applying gel with one hand evenly throughout your hair is impossible in case you were wondering. Anyway, it kind of surprised me when she offered, like she really thought about what might be a huge deal when you have one usable limb. She didn't even put gloves on as she washed my disgusting mop of a head. It was so kind and thoughtful, and to be able to go to a restaurant looking halfway decent was a treat. She has unflappable optimism and the best sense of humor.

Sixth, one of my most favorite people ever stopped by today for a visit bearing treats and gifts. We had such a wonderful visit. She is my hero! We used to work together and she inspires me live life to the fullest, to find your passion and live it. She is 60+ years old, retired, and literally runs the Grand Canyon. She's a blessing in my life!

Last but not least, I've had a few calls from my long distance bestie/personal nurse. She's my rock and knows me better than I know myself. I've also had a few surprise calls from longtime family friends. I'm overwhelmed by their thoughtfulness. It is humbling to know people are mindful of your circumstances. Heavenly Father blesses us through other people. It's true.  I've got some stepping up to do. I can definitely look outside myself and serve other people more. I hope I am as good as friend to these people as they are to me. I'm so very blessed.

Spooky

 

This post is dedicated to all things scary. Honestly, Halloween is my least favorite time of year, but there seems to be a whole lot of spookiness circling around this year so I might as well document it all. What's this you say? This adorable blue-eyed blonde isn't spooky? Her love for make-up and the over the shoulder, model serious pose at 2 freaks Mark and I out just a bit!

 

 

The amount of "tea" we have been drinking lately is somewhat scary and the king of the jungle is always invited. So is Olivia the Pig, but she is a miniature sized doll and is awfully hard to work with.

What scares us most are the times we can't find "Yivia and Yion" and it's time for sleep. Not gonna happen without them!

 

 

I literally couldn't remember the last time I had carved a pumpkin before this year. We had Mark's parents over for FHE and we had a really fun time. We were pretty amateur and I only bought one carving set, most of the time we used kitchen knives and I was fairly certain the ER was in our future. We came out unscathed with three scary jack-o-lanterns that Paige has enjoyed lighting each night.

 

 

Paige attended her first real party, and was awfully scared. I don't normally classify her as a shy child, but she really hates being the center of attention or "big to-do's". Needless to say she didn't enjoy the party as much as I hoped she would. She clutched her bag that housed "Yivia" and kept to herself.

 

 

Striking a dainty pose in a pig costume. Spooky. The bump on her forehead that refuses to go away is scaring her mom a bit as well!

 

 

The amount of adorableness in this picture is truly frightening!

 

 

She accessorized this picture herself. The size of the diva in that tiny little frame is a bit terrifying. That's a whole lot of personality to love! But I can't help it, I fall for it time and time again.

 

 

I'm a little scared this is the last game I'll be playing in for the year. This picture wound up on the front page of the paper which was a little surprising, but kind of fun too. Nice to have proof that I actually do play, just not very well! It was a good article about the popularity of indoor soccer in the area and the need for bigger facilities--very true!

 

 

I am three days post-op now and the road to recovery is a bit daunting. The pain has been much less than anticipated, and doesn't come close to what I experienced earlier this summer with the break. The size of the bandaging has been a bit of a challenge, however. It comes off in another week, but with three pins in my wrist, I fear I maybe in a cast of sorts for the long haul. I was incoherent for most of the hospital stay and Mark didn't take detailed notes. I'm not entirely sure what happened or what the game plan is. I hope to have those questions answered on the 12th. Mark has been so helpful and I've been able to rest. I curse the time change and the fact Paige is waking up an hour earlier. We are on our own today, and I know by the afternoon I will be looking forward to a nap. I hope she is too! The spookiest event ever looms on the horizon, the dreaded 30th birthday. Ewwwww. Why?! How?! Sigh. I am not prepared for this!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Riding the Waves

Sometimes I struggle knowing what to share on a public blog, even if my public is my small circle of family and a few friends who read consistently. Usually I find myself posting pictures and a day to day rundown of our lives. I hope to journal for myself, and share with my family and Paige's birth family what we're up to. Sometimes I turn to writing when I need a good vent or rant, painting a pretty ugly and depressing picture of myself and my attitude. I think sometimes I shy away from posting anything more than a travel log because I do fear how I may be received otherwise. However, maybe writing the ups and downs of my life will help someone in some way. Lately, much of my free time has been spent working on our adoption, and I very rarely share what is exactly going on. I probably will never be completely transparent when it comes to a behind the scene look into our adoption journey, but by showing a glimpse of it, hopefully I can shed some light on why adoption is difficult---and I have it easy by comparison!

Our first adoption fell into our laps. It was the last thing I expected to happen, and maybe that's why it did. It always felt right. Everything clicked right away, and even though it was nerve wracking at times, overall it was wonderful. I knew when we decided to adopt again, the chances of it happening as easily were slim. That's ok. One reason adoption is so beautiful is because each story is so unique, just like the children involved. No one adoption story is alike. Waiting patiently isn't one of my best qualities, and most adoption classes I attended encouraged being proactive and "networking" ourselves. Not a comfortable thing for me. While sending out business cards with our profile information, calling OBGYNs, and publicly advertising scares me, researching facilitators, consultants, agencies, and attorneys from the comfort of my home is something I can do.

Fun fact about adoption, EVERY state's laws are different. Completely different, in all facets. From the time birth parents can relinquish rights, if consents are revocable, when/where adoptions can be finalized, what can be considered birth parent expenses, how much can be paid in birth parent expenses, and the list goes on. Even the route you take to find your baby depends on the state. Some do not allow advertising, facilitators, or consultants, and don't ask me the difference between those last two groups, still trying to figure that one out. I am NO expert in any of these things and often have more questions than answers. But I am getting a good flair for states that are adoption friendly and states that are pretty scary. There is just so much to know and it is daunting. I can't tell you how many times I wish there was a standard across the board. Just to illustrate my point, a situation we had found earlier this summer and expressed interest in ended up not working out. We went as far as talking to the birth family and were cautiously excited. However, something didn't sit right with us, and for others this wouldn't have been an issue, but for us it was. We were crushed and decided we couldn't go forward with the match. Hindsight is 20/20 and we just found out this week that this adoption legally was not an option for us. Our state caps birth mother expenses at "x" amount, and as adoptive parents, we aren't allowed to pay over that and finalize in our state. The state where the baby was born had a cap as well, but a judge can decide if there are legitimate expenses and can raise the cap. Initially we were told we could finalize in the sending state and use their laws. The attorney involved told us this week that the situation we passed on had some crazy unforeseen legal issues and the couple had to finalize in their home state vs. the sending state. Since our state would not have let us finalize here because the expenses exceeded our state cap, we would have a baby we could not legally adopt. Can you imagine the legal mess we would have been in? Not to mention committing emotionally and financially to a baby that legally we could not have. Wow.

That is just one reason why adoption is crazy and heavy. I feel like I spend hours talking to adoption professionals and am weighing the pros and cons about how they handle their adoptions, their contracts, the finances, my financial risk among my ability to afford (I am learning that 30-40k is pretty much the norm) and it is beyond stressful. What I have found to be even MORE stressful is finally finding a situation we might be interested in and trying to decide if it is the right situation for us. I can say that in the last few months we have had quite a few situations we could have presented our profile to, and even a slim few where we had the final say as to whether or not we wanted to proceed with the match. Finding a situation stresses me, trying to decide if a particular situation is the right situation for Mark, Paige and I is far worse. I will try my best to illustrate why.

First, there is the initial excitement that there is a possible baby out there for us. I will see a posting about an expectant mother making an adoption plan. The amount of information we get varies. I have gotten as much as entire medical and social history to only knowing the gender and due date. I consider where this information is coming from and try my best to know if it is a legitimate situation with a reputable adoption professional or a big 'ole scam. Second, we begin analyzing the situation beginning with the expectant mother: her age, health, drug or alcohol use, other children, reasons for considering adoption, level of openness, (does she want letters, pictures, visits?) due date, what are her preferences for an adoptive family? Often, we don't fit her preferences. Third, birth father and legal risks. Is he involved? Will he sign? Fourth, state. Can we adopt from there? Can we finalize there? Fifth, cost, and sadly sometimes this is first. If it is a 40k plus adoption I don't even bother reading the fine print, we can't afford that! Along with the price, how much of our funds are at risk and when are they due? How much do we pay at match and how much will be due at placement? This is only a snippet of things to consider. Think of all the risks or questions you could possibly want answered, times it by ten, then figure you won't ever know the answers to most of them. Then decide if you at least know enough to want to take the leap of faith. I realize that nothing comes without risks, even your own biological pregnancy comes with risks and unknowns. BUT, you get to be there for the journey. You get to hear what the doctors are saying, what they are recommending. You have some control over how you are taking care of yourself, what you can do to minimize risks, what your own history is, whether you are consuming drugs, alcohol, or smoking, what tests the doctors are running, what they say, what the ultrasound shows, etc. I feel like I have to know enough to know if I can make the calculated risk. Not to mention I know nothing about being pregnant, what tests are done, what they should say, what they mean. I constantly feel like I am in the dark. I remember going to an ultrasound appointment with Paige's birth mother and feeling very stupid that I had no idea what was going on. Thankfully, she was sweet enough to coach me through it!

Once we get past the initial process and want to proceed, we ask to be presented to the expectant mother. A few weeks ago I felt very excited and at peace with a situation. Peace is not a usual feeling in this process for me so I truly felt like it was a good route. Mark was on board as well. I waited on pins and needles for a week and half for any word on the situation. Finally, the dreaded rejection email. The expectant mother had chosen another family. That is her choice and I respect that. It is her child and she needs to feel like she is placing it with the right family for her baby. However, it still hurts to know that you weren't the ones. You immediately ask why, wonder what she liked or didn't like about your profile, why weren't you a fit? I hope for the best. I know that she knows more than me, and Heavenly Father knows more than all, and it just wasn't right. Sometimes I like knowing it is out of my hands.  We have had situations where it is in our hands, and I find it worse at times. I feel judgmental as I fret about the situation and the information I have. Am I ok with the history given? Am I ok with the risks? Ahhh! It stresses me. Sometimes Mark and I feel at opposite ends of the spectrum. I will feel good about it and he feels entirely uncomfortable with it. That's always fun. The entire thing is an emotional rollercoaster, and the hardest part is knowing it is a no, and you have to turn down the situation--acknowledge that you are potentially turning down a baby. Guilt. I always have a lot of guilt that I am not willing to pay that much, or that I am not willing to accept those risks and health challenges. Lots of guilt. On a side note, sometimes it totally freaks me out that it may all work out and that I could have a baby in month. That's a whole new road of stresses!

My "favorite" moment in the journey so far came last week. We had been in contact with an attorney for a few months and he had sent out a few situations. He was never great at giving much information about any of them, there was always a lot of emotional and financial risk involved, and most of his matches were very far out and the expectant mothers were only a few weeks along. Though you have more preparation time, there is SO much at risk with that much time. He was very good about applying pressure and making sure we knew things needed to happen fast, meaning he would need money fast. I know he has facilitated a lot of adoptions, and a lot of people really like working with him. Most of the time I would get a mass text about a new opportunity--they would largely be ignored because they never fit our preferences. Some risks are just too big for us. One situation we agreed to, only to have the expectant mother never make contact with the attorney again. In the middle of all this, I found out that I needed surgery. Since we had had no promising leads for a month, we decided to go ahead with the surgery and get it out of the way before a promising situation arose. Solve it and move on with life right?! Sure enough, after weeks of silence, I got a text about a potential situation due two weeks after my surgery. I got a gender and a due date--NO other information. Mark and I just felt like it wasn't a solid situation and the timing was awful. I potentially would be casted and taking care of a newborn, alone, while Mark travels (year end is his busiest), among other things which confirmed this was not the right situation for us. What if she gave birth early? We couldn't see how we could spend the required two weeks in the sending state right now! I sent a message back politely declining the situation--which is always hard. It stinks to say no! I got an UGLY text back. I was accused of wasting time waiting for the "perfect" situation and not really, truly wanting to be a parent. Add to the list of fears the judgment that comes because you have declined a situation or because you ask too many questions you are now a hard to place family. You are 'high maintenance and unreasonable" and blacklisted. Needless to say we closed the door and so did the attorney.

I am sorry for the long post. I honestly just wanted to describe what the adoption journey can be like and why I am insane at times. From first hand experience, I believe that the right baby comes to the right home. I take every situation to my Heavenly Father and pray--- a lot!! I want it to be right for everyone involved. All the pieces have to fit, and I know they can and that they do when it's meant to be. Despite knowing that, sometimes it takes its toll on me. I question my sanity and my ability to discern between my emotions, promptings, and answers to prayers. How can I feel so good about something only to see it crash and burn? Why do so many "coincidences" happen only to have it come to a screeching halt? Do I read to much into it? Am I trying to force something? Was it really not a prompting just my excitement? Do I sit and wait for our baby to find us or do we actively search for our baby? Is faith waiting and trusting or actively pursuing? Why am I jealous of other's successes? Why do I get mixed emotions when I read about someone going to church and randomly finding an expectant mom due with twins a week later and having to expedite their home study so they are ready for the babies in two weeks and then they post this wonderful picture of their seamless journey. I always feel really bad about having those feelings--they are deserving, hopeful parents as well. Mark and I were just as lucky the first time around--I have no room to complain about tough journeys. We have had it easy compared to so many. I recently learned of a family who has had 10 failed matches and has lost 40k over three years and is still waiting. Ouch.

I hope that this post doesn't come across as a big, huge, complaint. That is not my intention. I am not at my wits end or without hope. I know this is just how adoption can be sometimes. It is just HARD. And I've only shared my viewpoint. I can't begin to imagine how hard adoption must be for the potential birth family. However, the end result is WONDERFUL! When you are finally holding that special baby you know is meant to be in your arms it is ALL worth it. Building a relationship with Paige's birth family has exceeded all my expectations and has been more than worth it. I have hope that it will happen again. For now I count my blessings, I have so many. One incredibly beautiful blessing in particular makes each day of mine worth living. I have really enjoyed my one on one time with Paige. This point in my life will never happen again. I am happy and hopeful about what the future might be.