Positivity at Work

 



This week has been a bit rough. Fortunately for me, I have been working on my positive attitude so it hasn't dumped me into complete despair. My heart has been a bit achey, but I'm still holding as tight as I can to hope and optimism.

 

First things first. At my first post-op visit I learned that I will indeed be rocking the cast for 3 months. That leaves me with about 8 or 9 weeks left since they counted the time spent in the postop club. I'm getting to be fairly proficient with the cast as long as it doesn't involve water. Dishes and hair washing are my biggest challenges. Writing is a bit difficult as well. It looks as if Paige is signing all my checks. When all is said and done, between the break and the surgery, I will have spent almost 6 months in a cast. The pins can be a bit sore at times, especially in the cold. Twisting and rotating is usually not a good idea either. Opening jars and cans are the bane of my existence. But other than inconvenience, it isn't too bad and all is well.

 

 

Thought I would document what my arm looks like since it will be a while until I see it again. The biggest incision and the one all the pins were placed through is on the side, below my thumb.

 

And my loyal friend. My thumb is immobilized and that has been tough. The cast doesn't come up as high on my hand or my arm which has been nice. I have enough of my fingers free that I can grip things somewhat.

 

 

This week started off with news that my sweet grandma was admitted to the ICU. I've been fairly out of the loop as to what actually happened, but maybe that was a blessing in disguise. We almost lost her a few times, and by the time I got a decent update, the worst was over. It's hard to see her feel so awful. She is still recovering from breaking her hip, and now has ulcers lining her entire digestive tract. We went down Friday to see her and she looked pretty good, but I couldn't help but feel how fragile life is, and how hard it is to age. Getting old just stinks, and I am convinced that one of the biggest trials of mortality is leaving it. I'm sure the rest of her days will not be without discomfort. I got to share some sweet moments with her for which I will forever be grateful. She is the most patient, loving, kind, and beautiful woman. She just radiates goodness and was more concerned about me (as usual) than herself. We were able to FaceTime with my parents and I know that meant a lot to her and to them. Grandma was grateful to see my dad's face and just said how much she loved him over and over. Technology is such an amazing thing! I regret not being able to keep my emotions in check. I am not sure it helped raise her spirits much having to comfort me, and I fear I was not comforting her a lick with the sadness and concern written all over my face. Not to mention the excess snot I shared.

 

After deciding to put adoption out of my mind to focus on the holidays and surgery, adoption once again found me. This one was particularly difficult. I feel like the situation completely came to us, and because of a number of circumstances, I was really thinking this was it. I tried not to get excited and tried to remain cautious, but it was so reminiscent of how things felt when we met Olivia that I was sure things had a good chance of working out. Mark even expressed similar feelings. When all was said and done, the expectant mother chose another family that she felt was the best choice for her. That is how it should be and I hope the best for her. She is a sweet girl and I appreciated the opportunity I had to get to know her briefly. I have nothing but love for those that are finding themselves in these situations and with all the courage and bravery in the world, make a plan for themselves and their babies. Regardless, it is still hard to be so hopeful and have things not work out the way you want. Once again, I recognize I know nothing and I trust that things work out as they should, regardless of what I personally want. It has very little to do with what I want, and I am sure it is better that way. However, I feel like I am most angry with myself and doubt even more that I have any capability to discern promptings and the Spirit. I left the situation feeling confused about what I needed to learn and what my role in the whole thing was supposed to be. I let my mind wander, dream, and envision what it would be like if it all worked out. Bad idea! Even though I understood and supported her and her decision, it still just hurt and I felt consumed with disappointment. My parents were so busy all week and I wasn't able to talk to my mom about it at all. That is hard, but I have some good friends that are willing to let me cry on their shoulder when needed. Each day that passes things get better, and like I said, I feel fortunate I have been in a place where I am working on keeping a positive attitude, remembering all the things that I do have, and the many blessings I enjoy.

"Hope on, Journey on!"

 

Paige laid out her blanket the other morning and declared we were to have a picnic. She's just sweet.

 

 

She loves to help me make dinner even though it makes me a nervous wreck to have her near the stove. I usually don't let her help me at this stage, but she was so insistent and I was beyond attentive. She took a quick stir and was content to let me take over.

 

The gym emailed me this cute shot from the Halloween party a few weeks back. I sure love this little girl! Glad she is insistent we are "best friends forever."

 

 

On Thursday, Beth and I took the kids on an adventure. We were first timers but had a marvelous time! Her little boys are so fun to be around, and these three play so well together. Paige loves to follow them around and copy their every move. She did whip out a few unforgettable dance performances that I was fortunate to catch on film, all on her own. Mamma bear came out a time or two as some of the other little kids decided Paige and Beth needed to participate in dodge ball. Nothing like having a strange kid chuck balls at your 2 year old's face. I probably could have handled it with a bit more patience.

 

 

On Saturday, we took Tucker out to the trainer's for the winter. He needs a bit of a tune-up and I hope to have some lessons on him this winter. I really want to improve my riding! Tucker is such a sweet boy, especially in the arena. Paige insisted on using her reins, which are saddle strings, instead of holding the actual reins. That sure makes the process more difficult, but Tucker was pretty good about it and just followed me as I walked out in front. When we put Tucker in his stall, Paige burst into tears. I don't know if it is because she thought he was imprisoned or because he wasn't coming back home with us. She was fairly inconsolable!

 

 

Funny things Paige has said lately:

 

 

When she picks out her underwear each day: Nope, not those ones. I will pee in those and make a sad choice. Yes, these ones, I will keep them clean.

 

 

After wiping up a mess on the floor: Good as new Mom!

 

 

Telling her to eat her dinner so she won't be hungry she says: I don't want to be hungry, I just want to be Paige.

 

 

Scolding the cat: Boots, don't be naughty, don't come in the house and make a sad choice.

 

Scolding me at the trampoline park: Don't throw things at your friends (I was playing with Beth's son Parker. She may have been confused after the whole strange kid nailing unsuspecting people in the face ordeal)

Don't jump like that Mom, you will hurt your head.

 

I need to watch Buzz. Buzz Lightyear (not to be confused with other Buzz's).

 

Your car smells like poop Mom. (it kind of did for awhile--unknown origin)



 

 

 



 

Change

Earlier this year, it felt that everyone and everything around me was going through a change of sorts, and I was stagnant. I HATED it. Some people really like to coast, and I probably should too, but I am not good at it. I get anxious and crave change. I don't know what's wrong with me. If no outside forces are causing anxiety, I can conjure up some good worries all on my own. I fretted about my perceived road blocks and wished for something, anything to happen. Then a whole lot of rollercoaster rides happened, none of which resulted in anything but a good ride and I kind of wanted off! I realized that living the good life wasn't too bad and it really was possible to just be happy. Once again, I credit it to good people in my life. As my birthday neared, I was pretty darn depressed that where I thought I'd be at 30 is not where I am at all. I thought I'd have things figured out at this point. When you're 15, 30 seems plenty old to have yourself together! I do not think for one bit I have this life thing figured out. I still don't know how to dress, or how to wear make-up. I still have juvenile thoughts and tendencies. I honestly just feel slower, older, have welcomed some unflattering additions like wrinkles, sun damage (self-induced but no melanoma----yet, that's my current favorite worry btw) and unwanted hair in unwanted places (too much information you say?!).  However, I am learning that some things are just flat out of my control and I will always want something different until I learn to just accept things and choose to be happy. It's a new thing for me and I am not an expert yet. I could feel a sense of despair setting in today about something I wish and want so badly, but it is out of my hands and no sense letting the want ruin the now! So, while nothing in my life has changed much this year, I have noticed a few small differences. Mostly in myself. I'm trying and that's an ok place to be.

 

This little bug is constantly changing. Doesn't she just look so grown up? She is getting big and smart and just blossoming into her own little person. We got our flu shots and she handled it like a champ! Mine hurt like a bugger and I had a sore arm for a few days. What gives?!

 

 

Paige gave me the sticker she got for being so brave at the doctor. She placed it there herself and said my "owie" was all better. It did make me feel pretty good and I'm sure drew even more attention  to the club. I go in tomorrow and hope to say goodbye to this thing and learn the game plan for the next 3 months.

 

 

Mark and Paige gave me this beautiful picture for my birthday. I've wanted it for years but couldn't bring myself to purchase it. I love it, and it looks great in our living room. And of course what's a day without some tea from a pink cup?

 

 

And just to make Monday a bit more bearable, we met up with Beth and her cute boys for some playtime. I'm thinking an arranged marriage might be in Paige's future, and Beth has two good options! Paige had a great time sitting there with Parker until we actually put a token in the ride. At that point she was done.

 

 

 

Blessed

Despite the lack of an opposable thumb, this week has been beyond amazing and I have had an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the people in my life. There have been times in the past where I have felt so alone, down-trodden, and down right miserable. I am trying to understand why I felt so isolated in those moments, because I am surrounded by good people! I must have had blinders on. Watching my parents leave on their mission was a challenge, and I miss them, but my Heavenly Father has blessed me in their absence with wonderful friends. Your mom has to love you, friends choose to!

I went to bed thinking how amazing and mindful people can be. I hope I can follow their lead and look outside myself more. Let me share a few examples of what I'm talking about:

First, my sweet husband has been so good to make beds, wash dishes, and bathe the baby. These aren't normal tasks for him, and he has really stepped up to the plate. His sweet mom watched Paige on surgery day and took us all out to dinner last night for my birthday. She's a doll!

Second, we have had more meals and treats than we know what to do with. Sunday was a night of good friends and food. It was fun to get together with two families in our ward and enjoy each other's company. Lots of laughs-- the best medicine for sure.

Third, a good friend brought my favorite salad for dinner, and personalized dishes for my significant others on Monday. She is so service oriented and is always so mindful of me and my needs! I also had a wonderful neighbor bring enough potatoes over to serve as a side for all our dinner meals this week.

Fourth, another good friend invited Paige and I over for lunch on Tuesday. We had such a fun visit and our kids played so well together. She didn't laugh at my irrational worries, and listened as I poured out some embarrassing challenges and weaknesses, all without passing judgment. Her children are so sweet. I feel like they were my substitute kids during those infertile years and they just melt me. They are growing so fast, but still let me give them hugs. They are great kids!

Fifth, a friend from high school and I have recently become reacquainted. I feel like we missed some valuable years I can never get back. She just might be my other half, my MUCH better other half. I want to be just like her when I grow up. She brought  Paige and I lunch and then proceeded to wash my hair, put gel in it, and blow it dry. This brings tears to my eyes. Such a silly thing, but while I can manage those things, it isn't easy and only half my hair ever gets clean. Applying gel with one hand evenly throughout your hair is impossible in case you were wondering. Anyway, it kind of surprised me when she offered, like she really thought about what might be a huge deal when you have one usable limb. She didn't even put gloves on as she washed my disgusting mop of a head. It was so kind and thoughtful, and to be able to go to a restaurant looking halfway decent was a treat. She has unflappable optimism and the best sense of humor.

Sixth, one of my most favorite people ever stopped by today for a visit bearing treats and gifts. We had such a wonderful visit. She is my hero! We used to work together and she inspires me live life to the fullest, to find your passion and live it. She is 60+ years old, retired, and literally runs the Grand Canyon. She's a blessing in my life!

Last but not least, I've had a few calls from my long distance bestie/personal nurse. She's my rock and knows me better than I know myself. I've also had a few surprise calls from longtime family friends. I'm overwhelmed by their thoughtfulness. It is humbling to know people are mindful of your circumstances. Heavenly Father blesses us through other people. It's true.  I've got some stepping up to do. I can definitely look outside myself and serve other people more. I hope I am as good as friend to these people as they are to me. I'm so very blessed.

Spooky

 

This post is dedicated to all things scary. Honestly, Halloween is my least favorite time of year, but there seems to be a whole lot of spookiness circling around this year so I might as well document it all. What's this you say? This adorable blue-eyed blonde isn't spooky? Her love for make-up and the over the shoulder, model serious pose at 2 freaks Mark and I out just a bit!

 

 

The amount of "tea" we have been drinking lately is somewhat scary and the king of the jungle is always invited. So is Olivia the Pig, but she is a miniature sized doll and is awfully hard to work with.

What scares us most are the times we can't find "Yivia and Yion" and it's time for sleep. Not gonna happen without them!

 

 

I literally couldn't remember the last time I had carved a pumpkin before this year. We had Mark's parents over for FHE and we had a really fun time. We were pretty amateur and I only bought one carving set, most of the time we used kitchen knives and I was fairly certain the ER was in our future. We came out unscathed with three scary jack-o-lanterns that Paige has enjoyed lighting each night.

 

 

Paige attended her first real party, and was awfully scared. I don't normally classify her as a shy child, but she really hates being the center of attention or "big to-do's". Needless to say she didn't enjoy the party as much as I hoped she would. She clutched her bag that housed "Yivia" and kept to herself.

 

 

Striking a dainty pose in a pig costume. Spooky. The bump on her forehead that refuses to go away is scaring her mom a bit as well!

 

 

The amount of adorableness in this picture is truly frightening!

 

 

She accessorized this picture herself. The size of the diva in that tiny little frame is a bit terrifying. That's a whole lot of personality to love! But I can't help it, I fall for it time and time again.

 

 

I'm a little scared this is the last game I'll be playing in for the year. This picture wound up on the front page of the paper which was a little surprising, but kind of fun too. Nice to have proof that I actually do play, just not very well! It was a good article about the popularity of indoor soccer in the area and the need for bigger facilities--very true!

 

 

I am three days post-op now and the road to recovery is a bit daunting. The pain has been much less than anticipated, and doesn't come close to what I experienced earlier this summer with the break. The size of the bandaging has been a bit of a challenge, however. It comes off in another week, but with three pins in my wrist, I fear I maybe in a cast of sorts for the long haul. I was incoherent for most of the hospital stay and Mark didn't take detailed notes. I'm not entirely sure what happened or what the game plan is. I hope to have those questions answered on the 12th. Mark has been so helpful and I've been able to rest. I curse the time change and the fact Paige is waking up an hour earlier. We are on our own today, and I know by the afternoon I will be looking forward to a nap. I hope she is too! The spookiest event ever looms on the horizon, the dreaded 30th birthday. Ewwwww. Why?! How?! Sigh. I am not prepared for this!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Riding the Waves

Sometimes I struggle knowing what to share on a public blog, even if my public is my small circle of family and a few friends who read consistently. Usually I find myself posting pictures and a day to day rundown of our lives. I hope to journal for myself, and share with my family and Paige's birth family what we're up to. Sometimes I turn to writing when I need a good vent or rant, painting a pretty ugly and depressing picture of myself and my attitude. I think sometimes I shy away from posting anything more than a travel log because I do fear how I may be received otherwise. However, maybe writing the ups and downs of my life will help someone in some way. Lately, much of my free time has been spent working on our adoption, and I very rarely share what is exactly going on. I probably will never be completely transparent when it comes to a behind the scene look into our adoption journey, but by showing a glimpse of it, hopefully I can shed some light on why adoption is difficult---and I have it easy by comparison!

Our first adoption fell into our laps. It was the last thing I expected to happen, and maybe that's why it did. It always felt right. Everything clicked right away, and even though it was nerve wracking at times, overall it was wonderful. I knew when we decided to adopt again, the chances of it happening as easily were slim. That's ok. One reason adoption is so beautiful is because each story is so unique, just like the children involved. No one adoption story is alike. Waiting patiently isn't one of my best qualities, and most adoption classes I attended encouraged being proactive and "networking" ourselves. Not a comfortable thing for me. While sending out business cards with our profile information, calling OBGYNs, and publicly advertising scares me, researching facilitators, consultants, agencies, and attorneys from the comfort of my home is something I can do.

Fun fact about adoption, EVERY state's laws are different. Completely different, in all facets. From the time birth parents can relinquish rights, if consents are revocable, when/where adoptions can be finalized, what can be considered birth parent expenses, how much can be paid in birth parent expenses, and the list goes on. Even the route you take to find your baby depends on the state. Some do not allow advertising, facilitators, or consultants, and don't ask me the difference between those last two groups, still trying to figure that one out. I am NO expert in any of these things and often have more questions than answers. But I am getting a good flair for states that are adoption friendly and states that are pretty scary. There is just so much to know and it is daunting. I can't tell you how many times I wish there was a standard across the board. Just to illustrate my point, a situation we had found earlier this summer and expressed interest in ended up not working out. We went as far as talking to the birth family and were cautiously excited. However, something didn't sit right with us, and for others this wouldn't have been an issue, but for us it was. We were crushed and decided we couldn't go forward with the match. Hindsight is 20/20 and we just found out this week that this adoption legally was not an option for us. Our state caps birth mother expenses at "x" amount, and as adoptive parents, we aren't allowed to pay over that and finalize in our state. The state where the baby was born had a cap as well, but a judge can decide if there are legitimate expenses and can raise the cap. Initially we were told we could finalize in the sending state and use their laws. The attorney involved told us this week that the situation we passed on had some crazy unforeseen legal issues and the couple had to finalize in their home state vs. the sending state. Since our state would not have let us finalize here because the expenses exceeded our state cap, we would have a baby we could not legally adopt. Can you imagine the legal mess we would have been in? Not to mention committing emotionally and financially to a baby that legally we could not have. Wow.

That is just one reason why adoption is crazy and heavy. I feel like I spend hours talking to adoption professionals and am weighing the pros and cons about how they handle their adoptions, their contracts, the finances, my financial risk among my ability to afford (I am learning that 30-40k is pretty much the norm) and it is beyond stressful. What I have found to be even MORE stressful is finally finding a situation we might be interested in and trying to decide if it is the right situation for us. I can say that in the last few months we have had quite a few situations we could have presented our profile to, and even a slim few where we had the final say as to whether or not we wanted to proceed with the match. Finding a situation stresses me, trying to decide if a particular situation is the right situation for Mark, Paige and I is far worse. I will try my best to illustrate why.

First, there is the initial excitement that there is a possible baby out there for us. I will see a posting about an expectant mother making an adoption plan. The amount of information we get varies. I have gotten as much as entire medical and social history to only knowing the gender and due date. I consider where this information is coming from and try my best to know if it is a legitimate situation with a reputable adoption professional or a big 'ole scam. Second, we begin analyzing the situation beginning with the expectant mother: her age, health, drug or alcohol use, other children, reasons for considering adoption, level of openness, (does she want letters, pictures, visits?) due date, what are her preferences for an adoptive family? Often, we don't fit her preferences. Third, birth father and legal risks. Is he involved? Will he sign? Fourth, state. Can we adopt from there? Can we finalize there? Fifth, cost, and sadly sometimes this is first. If it is a 40k plus adoption I don't even bother reading the fine print, we can't afford that! Along with the price, how much of our funds are at risk and when are they due? How much do we pay at match and how much will be due at placement? This is only a snippet of things to consider. Think of all the risks or questions you could possibly want answered, times it by ten, then figure you won't ever know the answers to most of them. Then decide if you at least know enough to want to take the leap of faith. I realize that nothing comes without risks, even your own biological pregnancy comes with risks and unknowns. BUT, you get to be there for the journey. You get to hear what the doctors are saying, what they are recommending. You have some control over how you are taking care of yourself, what you can do to minimize risks, what your own history is, whether you are consuming drugs, alcohol, or smoking, what tests the doctors are running, what they say, what the ultrasound shows, etc. I feel like I have to know enough to know if I can make the calculated risk. Not to mention I know nothing about being pregnant, what tests are done, what they should say, what they mean. I constantly feel like I am in the dark. I remember going to an ultrasound appointment with Paige's birth mother and feeling very stupid that I had no idea what was going on. Thankfully, she was sweet enough to coach me through it!

Once we get past the initial process and want to proceed, we ask to be presented to the expectant mother. A few weeks ago I felt very excited and at peace with a situation. Peace is not a usual feeling in this process for me so I truly felt like it was a good route. Mark was on board as well. I waited on pins and needles for a week and half for any word on the situation. Finally, the dreaded rejection email. The expectant mother had chosen another family. That is her choice and I respect that. It is her child and she needs to feel like she is placing it with the right family for her baby. However, it still hurts to know that you weren't the ones. You immediately ask why, wonder what she liked or didn't like about your profile, why weren't you a fit? I hope for the best. I know that she knows more than me, and Heavenly Father knows more than all, and it just wasn't right. Sometimes I like knowing it is out of my hands.  We have had situations where it is in our hands, and I find it worse at times. I feel judgmental as I fret about the situation and the information I have. Am I ok with the history given? Am I ok with the risks? Ahhh! It stresses me. Sometimes Mark and I feel at opposite ends of the spectrum. I will feel good about it and he feels entirely uncomfortable with it. That's always fun. The entire thing is an emotional rollercoaster, and the hardest part is knowing it is a no, and you have to turn down the situation--acknowledge that you are potentially turning down a baby. Guilt. I always have a lot of guilt that I am not willing to pay that much, or that I am not willing to accept those risks and health challenges. Lots of guilt. On a side note, sometimes it totally freaks me out that it may all work out and that I could have a baby in month. That's a whole new road of stresses!

My "favorite" moment in the journey so far came last week. We had been in contact with an attorney for a few months and he had sent out a few situations. He was never great at giving much information about any of them, there was always a lot of emotional and financial risk involved, and most of his matches were very far out and the expectant mothers were only a few weeks along. Though you have more preparation time, there is SO much at risk with that much time. He was very good about applying pressure and making sure we knew things needed to happen fast, meaning he would need money fast. I know he has facilitated a lot of adoptions, and a lot of people really like working with him. Most of the time I would get a mass text about a new opportunity--they would largely be ignored because they never fit our preferences. Some risks are just too big for us. One situation we agreed to, only to have the expectant mother never make contact with the attorney again. In the middle of all this, I found out that I needed surgery. Since we had had no promising leads for a month, we decided to go ahead with the surgery and get it out of the way before a promising situation arose. Solve it and move on with life right?! Sure enough, after weeks of silence, I got a text about a potential situation due two weeks after my surgery. I got a gender and a due date--NO other information. Mark and I just felt like it wasn't a solid situation and the timing was awful. I potentially would be casted and taking care of a newborn, alone, while Mark travels (year end is his busiest), among other things which confirmed this was not the right situation for us. What if she gave birth early? We couldn't see how we could spend the required two weeks in the sending state right now! I sent a message back politely declining the situation--which is always hard. It stinks to say no! I got an UGLY text back. I was accused of wasting time waiting for the "perfect" situation and not really, truly wanting to be a parent. Add to the list of fears the judgment that comes because you have declined a situation or because you ask too many questions you are now a hard to place family. You are 'high maintenance and unreasonable" and blacklisted. Needless to say we closed the door and so did the attorney.

I am sorry for the long post. I honestly just wanted to describe what the adoption journey can be like and why I am insane at times. From first hand experience, I believe that the right baby comes to the right home. I take every situation to my Heavenly Father and pray--- a lot!! I want it to be right for everyone involved. All the pieces have to fit, and I know they can and that they do when it's meant to be. Despite knowing that, sometimes it takes its toll on me. I question my sanity and my ability to discern between my emotions, promptings, and answers to prayers. How can I feel so good about something only to see it crash and burn? Why do so many "coincidences" happen only to have it come to a screeching halt? Do I read to much into it? Am I trying to force something? Was it really not a prompting just my excitement? Do I sit and wait for our baby to find us or do we actively search for our baby? Is faith waiting and trusting or actively pursuing? Why am I jealous of other's successes? Why do I get mixed emotions when I read about someone going to church and randomly finding an expectant mom due with twins a week later and having to expedite their home study so they are ready for the babies in two weeks and then they post this wonderful picture of their seamless journey. I always feel really bad about having those feelings--they are deserving, hopeful parents as well. Mark and I were just as lucky the first time around--I have no room to complain about tough journeys. We have had it easy compared to so many. I recently learned of a family who has had 10 failed matches and has lost 40k over three years and is still waiting. Ouch.

I hope that this post doesn't come across as a big, huge, complaint. That is not my intention. I am not at my wits end or without hope. I know this is just how adoption can be sometimes. It is just HARD. And I've only shared my viewpoint. I can't begin to imagine how hard adoption must be for the potential birth family. However, the end result is WONDERFUL! When you are finally holding that special baby you know is meant to be in your arms it is ALL worth it. Building a relationship with Paige's birth family has exceeded all my expectations and has been more than worth it. I have hope that it will happen again. For now I count my blessings, I have so many. One incredibly beautiful blessing in particular makes each day of mine worth living. I have really enjoyed my one on one time with Paige. This point in my life will never happen again. I am happy and hopeful about what the future might be.

Soaking in Life's Little Moments

Life has been busy lately...in a good way. I like having things to look forward to and things to keep my mind occupied. General Conference was fabulous, and so was the weather for the first time in what seemed like forever. Mark left Sunday for business, and Paige and I enjoyed the most beautiful fall walk. The sun was warm, the colors were perfect, and it was a peaceful time to reflect on all my favorite talks. It felt like one of those rare moments where you just soaked up living in the now. I was a little sad Mark and my parents weren't there to enjoy it with me, but I had some pretty good company.

 

The dog, the baby, the cat. This trio is my usual posse. Does this make anyone else laugh? And does anyone else feel like it got cold FAST!? I swear one week I had my AC on, and the next the heater. There was no slow temperature decline, fall came fast and abruptly.

 

 

One last attempt to capture the moment. It was just gorgeous and it felt like Paige and I had our own private forest. Roxy about ruined the magic when she found a ginormous porcupine at the end of our rendezvous. Fortunately for her, and for us, the porcupine huddled in the fetal position and ignored us all.

 

 

When I see this picture, all I can think of is Olivia! This little girl of mine isn't afraid of a little dirt, and she loves to play ball, but deep in that little soul is a diva. She has some serious girly-girl tendencies, which I can assure you do NOT come from me. She looks so much like her beautiful birth mom and she definitely loves to primp. I wish you could see all the blush she applied so carefully, but in ridiculously large amounts. Less is more Paige! I think Olivia needs to give us both a makeup tutorial.

 

 

Paige was particularly proud of this outfit she helped pick out. She loved that skirt and kept telling me how pretty she was. Seriously, for those of you who know me at all....how?! Nature vs nurture right there. Sometimes you are just born to love tulle and play ball at Kids World in your Mary Jane's. I feel like if she can successfully kick in those babies, she is gonna be a whiz with the cleats.

 

 

I can't adequately express how much I LOVE this picture. Love, love, love. Here is a glimpse of where my beautiful, sweet, girly-girl comes from. Paige has one heck of a gene pool folks. These two ladies mean SO much to me. I love that I get to lay claim on them. And seriously....could they be more beautiful?! Not fair. Melissa is on the left and Olivia is on the right. I am hoping Melissa shares her youthful secrets with me. She looks like she is her daughter's twin, not the mom! Their beauty isn't just skin deep either. They are angels. Their souls are just full of goodness. I think it radiates in this picture. Oh they just make me happy. I miss them. I hope we can get together soon. Paige is one lucky girl to have so many people in her life who love her so much. She has some pretty amazing role models to look up to and who will help her at the drop of a hat. We are so blessed to have an open adoption---it's a wonderful thing!

 

 

From the moment I found out my parents would be selling their house and moving, I was pretty bummed. My family officially would be spread out all over the country. It was hard enough knowing Paige wouldn't really know any of her cousins on my side, but now she would no longer enjoy the ridiculously close relationship she had with her grandparents. Fortunately, Mark's family is close and she wouldn't be a complete stranger to extended family, but it bothered me that my family would be somewhat of a mystery. I came across a company that sounded like a good fit for my brother and I sent it his way, mostly as a joke and maybe a subtle hint. To my surprise, he was interested and it snowballed from there. This past weekend they made the short drive over from their new home to spend some time with us. It was GREAT!  It feels good to know this is a doable thing and we can get our families together a lot more. Paige played so well with her cousin Caden. Caden loved being in charge, and Paige loved copying him in every way. The weather was pretty wet and rainy, but we had a few hours on Saturday that we could get outside. First on the list.....Spud Harvest. Courtney and Caden wanted the grand tour, and Mark was more than happy to oblige. After being out of town for business, Mark came home and took a few days off, only to volunteer to drive crossover in Harvest. It's his favorite thing to do. He and I view vacation a bit different!

 

 

I will say it is pretty fascinating to see how the potatoes get from the field to the warehouse to the restaurant. Paige and Caden were fairly impressed with the big tractors. When the dirt started to fly, Paige said, "Oh it's so pretty!" Mark was so proud.

 

 

We came home and took Caden on a 4-wheeler ride and his first horse ride. He was pretty nervous about the horse, but Paige showed him how it was done! The 4-wheeler is always a hit and both those crazy kids begged to go faster. Don't worry, we didn't!

 

 

Our s'mores party was rained out Sunday, and Caden was pretty bummed. Monday was freezing cold and it rained off and on, but finally cleared up enough for us to squeeze in one more activity before they had to go home. Here is a perfect picture of the weekend. Paige just happy to follow the big kid!

 

 

Sweet little Bennett busting into the goods. I hardly know these two little boys. I am grateful I get to see them more. They are good kids and they were pretty fun to have around. It seems awfully quiet around here with them gone!

 

 

Getting that fire started in damp conditions was quite the feat. Mark had to work Monday, but I thought to myself, "How hard can a campfire be?" Sam is an Eagle Scout after all. His skills must be a bit rusty. The three of us are also not too good at directions and took the packaging off the fire-starter log only to read the instructions that specifically said NOT to rip the wrapper in anyway. At that point, it took some creativity and ingenuity to get a fire going. It roasted marshmallows fine, but the little thing didn't produce any much needed heat.

 

 

That is a fairly good summary of the last two weeks. My oldest brother Max and his wife Kirsten welcomed their fourth little boy this week, four and a half weeks early. I got the text they would be having an emergency C-section while sitting around the campfire Monday. Everyone seems to be doing fine and the new little man is certainly as beautiful as his brothers. Max and Kirsten have the cutest babies! I am the only daughter, and Paige continues to be the only granddaughter. We have an estrogen shortage around these parts! I went to another orthodontist yesterday for a second opinion. He used the word "enigma" when referring to my teeth. Hmmm. Not looking good folks! I am trying to decide what to do. I am struggling wanting to pay thousands of dollars right now on my teeth, not to mention diving into the braces nightmare for the third time. GRRRRR. To top things off, the wrist specialist recommended surgery. My body is anticipating my 30th birthday and has chosen to fall apart prematurely. I'm having surgery November 1st. I honestly hope I am making the right decision. It doesn't bother me that much and is definitely livable and tolerable. The doctor seemed to think it was best to fix what he can while I am "young" and prevent future problems. I suppose there is wisdom in fixing something while it's easy rather than waiting for it to get worse, causing other issues, and making surgery more difficult. Right?!? He has a laundry list of things he is looking for, he believes there are more tears than the one the MRI showed, but I don't think so. I fear he will get in there and see how minimal the damage in there is and I will be scoffed at for doing surgery. Let the record show that in my defense, I told him it wasn't causing me much pain! 

 

Funny things Paige has said lately:

 

1. Mom we are best friends forever. (as she put her arm around my shoulder as we ate lunch)

 

2. Mom we are on an adventure in Gabba Land! (on our walk in the river bottoms)

 

3. Great, my friends are here! (as my friend Michelle pulls up in her suburban)

 

4. Mom I need pink "yips"  so I can be pretty (every time we go out)

 

5. "Paige it's your turn to pray" "No, I said it last night." (it's a lie, and she says this every time we ask)

 

6. Mom, I didn't pee, but it was a good try! (each time we sit on the potty with no results)

 

7. Can we _________ all together? (Fill in flush, play basketball, pray, eat, anything that can be done all together)

 

8. Hmm (as she taps her finger to her lips) I don't think I want dinner. But maybe noodles.

 

9. Oh can we see Sherman? He is so nice. He is my best friend. He must be on a mission. (After Mark asked if she wanted to go outside to get the horses. Sherman is our horse trainer and Paige loves him. And apparently people she really loves that she doesn't get to see are on missions. ie Boppa and Mamma---Sherman is not. But he laughed when we told him)

 

10. My tummy hurts. I need a burger. (I think she tells me it hurts when she is hungry. Which should be all the time since she doesn't eat.)

 

11. Mom, you need to get this in that hole. (teaching me to play actual basketball at the park)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Falling

 

Today we are hunkering down after a long night. Paige threw up some peaches in the night and so it begins. She seems to be better after a sleepless night, but we shall see if see if food stays down. No fun having a sick baby. Because of Mark's weakened immune system, he and I usually get flu shots. Do kids get flu shots? What are your thoughts on the subject? It's always hard to know how to keep everyone healthy. We are a medically challenged family!

 

What a difference a week makes. I tentatively proclaim Paige potty trained! She has done really, really well and we haven't had an accident in days. I am kind of hoping the tummy issues don't set us back. Things could get interesting. On Sunday, I took her out during church for a break. Paige is a creature of habit and I haven't had much success outside the house because it's different. She usually just holds it until we get home. Once we got into the bathroom, a friend of mine walked in behind us and in the stall next door. Paige was pretty excited when she overheard a successful trip. She cheered my friend on and then proceeded to follow her example. It worked out pretty well though I was mortified about Paige's commentary. She even bent over and looked under the stall and asked if my friend needed help. She then offered my services.

 

I got my MRI done and got the results, I do have a tear of some sort and I am supposed to go see a wrist specialist next week. I am not too sure I want to do anything with it at this point. It is fine for the most part, and I kind of know what it can and can't do, and I can avoid doing things that make it hurt. Seems like a recipe for success. I think I will probably go down just to make sure I am not going to make things worse in the long haul, but I think it is something that I can and will live with.

 

Paige decided to take the change of seasons literally and had a pretty nasty fall last week. The weather has been atrocious which means we have spent all our time indoors. This leads to a rambunctious baby who wants to play wild and crazy inside. Her new love is "basketball' which is a game she has made up herself with her ball. It has provided hours of entertainment, and she especially loves to "play all together." On this particular round of basketball, she tripped forward, into the wall, and cracked her head on the plug-in carbon monoxide detector. I can't decide if she was lucky it wasn't the window sill or the wall, but the darn thing didn't give much and won the battle. She swelled instantly, and Mark took the opportunity to snap a picture. Poor thing! After some consoling she was ready for more basketball so I figured she would survive. Now the bump seems to have gone down a little bit, but the bruising has drained and she has two black eyes. Very pretty.

 

Paige got to have her fingernails painted like a big girl for going in the big girl potty. She was very excited about it. This is the day after her fall, little bruising and a big ole bump.

 

 

We always have our fair share of animal tragedy and I was pretty certain we were setting ourselves up for yet another one. Boots went missing all last week. She was gone for like 6 days. Paige asked about her everyday and I finally just told her Boots went home to find her mom. It made perfect sense to Paige and I was feeling pretty good about my lie, and wouldn't ya know it.....the cat came home later that night. Even though the cat is pretty annoying, Paige loves it and it has a very unique personality, so I was glad to have her back.

 

 

Hard to see in this crappy picture, but this is how I caught Paige sleeping the other day. Both her feet are up on the rails. I have been wanting to move Paige into her big girl room, but I haven't found her a bed I like and honestly, she moves around WAY to much to be trusted in a normal bed. After seeing her thrash around, I am confident I have a bit more time to figure out her big girl room décor.

 

 

The leaves are just beginning to change down in the river bottoms behind my house. We went for a ride last night for the first time in two weeks. The weather really hasn't been good. There were multiple trees down thanks to our wind storm Monday. However, last night was perfect for a ride, and though I miss summer and hate the cold, we weren't eaten alive by bugs. Tucker was a stinker. The last two times we have ridden he has had a mind of his own. He only seems to give me grief and behaves for Mark. I think he knows he can buffalo me. Last night I handled it a bit better and even though things started rough, we ended up having a pretty fun ride. I felt like I held my own and at least attempted to be the boss. We have some work to do, and he seriously needs a butt kicking! Paige had such a great time and she holds Mark's saddle strings and calls them her reins. She is quite the vocal rider and likes to tell me what I am doing wrong. "You have to be nice and easy, Mom!" Yes I know that Paige, tell Tucker!