Change is Good

Mark and I have felt that this year hasn't been exciting enough, so we are going to cram a few more things in before 2011 rolls through. For various reasons, we felt it was time to leave the starter home behind and start a new chapter in our lives. It has been a very bittersweet experience. This house, hmmm. Well let's just say it has been a little bit of an adventure. When we bought it, we thought we would fix it up and flip it quick. Little did we know that first, there is nothing easy about fixing up an older home, and second, we had no idea we would love the area so much. If you ever feel a lack of faith in the human race, travel out to Parker and your faith will be restored. Amazing people live out here and they have been a tremendous blessing in our lives. Many prayers were said this year thanking our Heavenly Father for wonderful friends and neighbors that lifted us through some hard times. Their goodness will never be forgotten. It will be hard to leave, but we have reminded ourselves and others, that we are not moving to Africa, or even out of the immediate area so there is no good reason to not keep in touch.

Our first home--wish I had a "before" picture. We often ask ourselves what possessed us to buy it in the first place. It was basically hideous. We were both still in school and had zero time or money for such an undertaking, but we made it work and made it home. It has been right where we needed to be and many memories were made here.

I am trying to be excited about the actual moving process. I feel like I have an exceptionally good game plan, but I also know that none of my plans, ever, never, ever, work out the way I think they will. I am so excited to have some things I haven't had yet in my married life: a garage, a garbage disposal(o boy), central air, garbage service(this is super exciting), a utility sink, and a big tub. Really, really excited about these things. There was a moment earlier this year that I thought I would never ever be able to move into a newer home, I feel this is a huge blessing! I also feel a little spoiled, slightly guilty, but extremely blessed and excited. I have actually never bought a decor item--ever. Seriously! It was almost impossible to hang pictures or decorate this old home, so I never did. Things I had were things that were handed down or given to us for our wedding. I told Mark that will change. I am trying to reel myself in, but my small creative side is bursting with ideas. I feel like I have saved up six years worth of decor allowance and should be allowed to let loose. We shall see.

This past week was my last week working--for awhile. I finished teaching first block soccer classes. This fall made it hard to leave. I have never had such wonderful weather. I had great classes and wonderful, warm sunshine. It made for a perfect last semester. Working at the college has been a life saver. Once again, it was not part of the plan. Heavenly Father definitely looked out for me, because it became my saving grace. I got to do something I enjoyed and get paid for it. It made some dark times bearable. I am ready to move on--change is good, and in my case--really, really good. However, it was extremely hard to say goodbye and clean my office out. It felt very real and final. I had the opportunity to work with wonderful people and mentors. Honestly, it changed my life. No matter what is on the horizon, it is always hard to say goodbye, especially for me. I feel like the last 7-8 years have revolved around the university, going there and working there, it will be strange to not be a part of campus anymore. But, its time for something new.

Mark and I celebrated our 6 year anniversary on Friday. Six years ago was the scariest day of my life. I was not a good bride, but 6 years later, I realize that it was the best decision I ever made. I am sure grateful for my sweet husband. I feel blessed to be celebrating our 6th year, a part of me didn't think that was going to happen ever either. So glad it did, and here is to many more years to share with my better half, my best friend.

Good news is good news--even when late....right?

My blogging has not been great, but I have had problems remembering my own name, let alone remembering to post. I hope Mark has had better luck remembering things, or my power might be turned off at any moment. We have been enjoying fall this year. The picture above was taken about two weeks ago at Mesa Falls. I have been to Mesa Falls numerous times, and have always thought it was cool, but I didn't gush over it or appreciate it. This time, I seriously gushed. It was so beautiful on a warm day with a thousand different colors.  I have in years past, been a fall hater. Only because it seems to last a week before it welcomes in a 9 month winter. Working outside the past few years, fall has really climbed the bitter charts. That has all changed this year. I am half-way through first block, and I have yet to wear warm-up pants to class. Last year, I was putting toe warmers in my cleats. I have loved the scenery, the smells, and most of all the fall sunshine. This semester has been warmer than summer semester, go figure!

September has been a good month for us. I know the year isn't over yet, but when I look back on it, I am amazed at how much we have grown. I can truly say that trials are a blessing. I wonder if that is because it has turned out ok, but then, with enough trust in the Lord, I guess any turnout is ok, it all depends on our attitude. With that being said, I am so full of thankfulness that my ok and the Lord's will happened to be the same thing. Mark had his final PET scan, and it came back clean and clear. We knew that it would, but the 100% assurance was welcomed. Mark can now get his port out, and we look forward to years of monitering, but no more active treatments. If it is to return, it will most likely be within the first year. Mark will have CT scans every three months the first year, and those will gradually taper off as the years go by. I am sure this is something that will never quite be in the past, but it feels good to be moving away from it. With so many talks during Conference on gratitude, Mark and I had some moments of reflection. We are grateful for the lessons we have learned, the people we have gotten to know better, and the personal growth we have both received.  We learned that people are amazing and there are everyday angels. We recognize that where much is given, much is required and we pray that we will be more aware of those around us and how we can serve others---something we have learned from countless people providing service in our favor. One of my angles, Amy, a resurgent hero from my past, has taught me the importance of paying it forward. I hope I can continue to learn from her masterful ability to see needs around her and fill them. I feel like Mark and I have more empathy and sympathy. I have reconized that Mark is a little more sensitive and mindful of others, their challenges, and their feelings. He has shed some of that tough exterior and realizes that emotion and sharing emotion isn't such a bad thing.

This season hasn't been without its storms, some still brewing, but the rainbows are close and moving out of limbo might be around the corner. It doesn't look like BYU football will make it through the year, but Mark and I feel pretty good about our chances. Being back at school has seemed to be more exhausting, maybe the sun is zapping me, or as I get worse at soccer it becomes more difficult. Whatever the case, I am feeling pretty tired daily. There seems to be a million things going on right now, and it is manifested with my constant errors on the ward bulletin each week. I am crashing and burning as a perfectionist and I have to tell you, that is a trial in its own right. Fortunaely, the insomnia that plagued this entire summer isn't so much of a problem at the moment. I am sure has a little to do with the miracle of melatonin, but being pulled in a number of different directions seems to help.

Thank you to you all for your love, concern, help, and friendship. You all are definitely part of our greatest blessings.

Done--For Reals!

I have been somewhat of an insomniac recently and I think it has ruined my creative abilities. I have not been great at posting, but fearing ramblings, I have procrastinated it further. Also, life has been basically boring. School is out, which I am so happy about, until I realize I have no life. With Mark in Utah for a month, I realize that I really have no life! I have mowed the lawn, cleaned, not cooked, read a number of books, and watched more TV than I should have. Oh--and not sleeping. Can I just say there is nothing more frustrating than not being able to sleep? Torture. I have soared through my goal to read the Old Testament, and that hasn't even put me to sleep. We have a serious problem on our hands I think. There seems to be a few stresses that possibly contribute. If anyone knows of anyone who wants to buy a house, let me know. That could relieve at least a few of my stresses. For instance, in my last home improvement stint, I managed to not only spray paint the back door, but I left a beautiful white dust on every surface of my house. Wahoo! It took awhile, but I did get it out and off. No pictures, sorry!

So, back to the reason behind the post. Mark officially finished radiation treatment last Thursday. When he called to tell me, I cried. It is so great to have him done--with everything! However, it adds to the stress. It is hard to be confident the sneaky thing won't come back. There are great chances it won't, but I have learned I have trust issues. I suppose, unfortunately, they could be lack of faith issues. I realize that I am much more comfortable looking into the "mirror of fear" rather than the "mirror of faith" (from a talk by President Clark). My dad has been working hard on me to change my outlook. Why is it that fear is so much easier to feel? Mark will have a follow up scan in a few weeks that will show how much he has progressed. Since his midway scan was so great, I am sure it will be great, but what about the one he has next year, or the year after that? He had some pretty great nurses down in Utah and they documented the last day of his treatment. They sent like 29, so I will only favor you with a few....

By owners expense, they mean our expense. I am sure the kajillion dollars we spent to receive treatment would cover some of it. Not the easiest way to get a reserved spot, but I suppose effective.

The fancy microwave/tanning bed. Mark stays stationary, and they crazy thing rotates around. Mark had very few side affects throughout the whole thing. He has a little redness now, but he kept wondering if they were doing anything at all. That would be a funny joke--haha--or not that funny at all.

Finally--officially done! The nurses were really sweet and got a gift for Mark and I. Not a great picture, but you can see a bit of Mark's hair. It looks great.

Now, who knows. It seems like we have life back again but we aren't quite sure what is in store for us. There seems to be more questions than answers. I go back to work in about 2 weeks, but not for long.  Summer seems like it has flown by and I am not sure I am ready for fall and winter. I guess we just will enjoy the blessings we have a day at a time. Thanks again to everyone. We have had so much love and support and will never be able to repay all of it!

Lovin' Summer

Summer is the best time of year hands down, especially in Idaho. After the long and painfully slow start, the last two weeks have been lovely. I am loving the heat, the cool nights, and the occasional thunderstorm. I can't believe it is already August. With Mark receiving treatment, the weeks seem to fly by as I wish them away for weekends so we can be together. Sadly, since life has been crazy busy, running has taken a dive, and I realized tonight that there is no way I will be ready for the marathon in September. If anyone wants to pretend to be me, your fees are paid!

My brothers have been up the past week or so and it has been so good to be together as a family. It seems few and far between that we are all together. I have had a great time getting to know my nephews better. They are at a fun age. Family truly is where happiness lies. I just wanted to jot a quick post with some pictures to let everyone know we are alive and well. Mark is a champ and has had no sideaffects yet of radiation. It has been great. His hair is growing back and there is a light at the end of this tunnel!

My new baby Chula and Mark's adorable niece. It was a little hot this day, but lovely none the less.

Chula is so much smaller than Sonny. These two horses were angels letting the kids ride them all over.

The cute grandbabies loving family picture day.

Mark loving family picture day. I love how the sun is only shining on me and making my hair look pretty much not good.

I love these handsome boys! I used to hate being the only girl when I was a little one. As I have grown older, I realize I wouldn't want it any other way. These brothers are the best out there.

I must have won the lottery and got stuck in between Mess 1 and Mess 2. Seriously was surprised I came out of there alive with no ketchup splatters. See what happens when Mark leaves me to ride solo?

That is just a smidge of current life. I just wanted to let everyone know we are alive and well. The clouds seem to have lifted and Mark and I are feeling so joyous and so blessed.!

Busy doing.....nothing?

I am sure by now I have lost my faithful following; my posts continue to get fewer and further between. Honestly, our lives have become a little boring the last few weeks and I didn't want to bore the world with the details. For some reason, the boredom has taken up a bunch of time. I feel like my time is constantly going somewhere, but not entirely sure where. Work has kept me on my toes, and when I come home out of the sun, I crash! Between intramurals, mutual, adoption classes, and riding horses, our nights have been full as well.

As far as an update, I will start with the promised pictures. Perhaps one of my favorite days of the summer was the 25th of June, the date of my last post. The Relay for Life was better than expected. It was an emotional experience for me, I was slightly surprised at the tears I shed at this event. It seems that since Mark has handled treatment so well, I often place him in his own category--not a "true" cancer patient. I hear too many other stories that make Mark's experience seem like a cake walk. However, the Relay for Life reminded me that Mark is indeed a fighter and a survivor and cancer is cancer. Cases and treatment differ, but in the end it is a big 'ole group and we are trying to find a cure for it all. I am consistently moved by my little hero Ironman Jace. This night was no different. We were fortunate enough to camp out at his Jamba Team tent for awhile. He looked amazing! I received a Team Jace shirt and continue to wear it proudly. Ironman is a champ and a hero, and someone who has touched my life forever. These pictures are just too cute:

This last picture is like my personal "cancer cool kids club" shot. My big hero, my little hero with his amazing dad, and our incredible hero doctor. Words can't describe!

Mark and I walking the survivor lap together.

I loved seeing members of our ward and the community supporting cancer research and cancer patients. Heartwarming! I love living in a place where people care about each other. Selfless volunteers who braved the lightning storm and walked all night. Thanks to you all! I even had a cousin who walked in behalf of Mark and other Lymphoma patients specifically in her local Relay for Life in Arizona. Amazing! She sent Mark and I special shirts with green writing. Green apparently is the color representing Lymphoma. Never knew until she pointed it out to me. As an avid t-shirt collector, I appreciate my new special collection of cancer shirts. Love 'em.

That night my favorite little buddy made it home from Poland. BJ is one special kid, I think all who know him would agree. He makes me laugh and we have the best time together. I am glad I have a movie and treat partner back. Our family is pretty low-key and we never got into the whole airport display fiasco. As this was our last returning missionary, I felt a little bummed about our lame production. I decided to hit the Budget Car Rental counter to make things right and made this beauty. I wanted a post-it note to make it really special, but this was the best they had:

You can't read it, but it says "Welcome Home Chubbs" ( a nickname given to BJ for obvious reasons;) )

This isn't a great picture, but this little guy has been one of the reasons the past month has been a blast. His name is Chula's Short Dual, but we just call him Chula. He is only 4, but has had a great start to him. I am a little afraid my riding inabilities might ruin all he knows, but so far he has been a great horse. The best part? He loves to be spoiled and loved on, which honestly ranks pretty high on my must have list. He will eat the treats I bring him, and he loves to be groomed. I was pretty much hooked after that. He isn't a bad ride either. He has great bloodlines and might be one of the fanciest things we own. I feel like he is Cadillac and I should only be allowed to touch Geo Metros.

The next month is looking pretty up and down at the moment. I have one more week of work and then summer break. All my brothers are coming home with their kids and I am so excited for some quality family time. I finished our paperwork and profiles for another adoption agency (in addition to LDSFS), and things might work quicker down this road. I seriously can't wait! The big downer is that Mark starts radiation on Monday. I have liked not having to see the inside of a doctor's office. Last Friday we spent a good 5 hours at Huntsman's getting Mark ready to go. He will need to have 20 treatments, 5 each weekday until finished. He has an amazing assortment of tatoos, none of which are cool. I tried to tell the people to make little hearts or stars but apparently wasn't listened to. The radiation oncologist decided to radiate his chest and his hip, initially it was only going to be his chest. Huntsman's seems to be a little more thorough and aggresive, which is fine by us. We are ready to be done for good and forever. It stinks that Mark's energy level will sink again and we are back to the cancer world, but at least we can see the finish line.

On a complete side note--my thoughts and prayers have been with the Sullenger family. Once again, I am grateful for a community who cares about each other, and the internet with its amazing ability to connect people and make miracles.

I will try to make life exciting and useful so I can update my blog more readily. I will work hard to earn you faithful readers back!

An Exciting Day!

Aside from being a summer Friday, today is even more exciting than usual. My little brother gets home from Poland late tonight and I seriously can't wait! If he misses a flight connection, I might love him less--just kidding, but I will be dissapointed. Also, tonight is the Relay for Life. We didn't think we would be able to participate, but because BJ's flight comes in so late, Mark is hoping to make it into the survivor lap at 6:00. I am looking forward to being a part of things tonight. I hope it isn't too late to find a way to be involved.

Now, for the most exciting part (insert drum roll) We are officially approved for adoption!!! I know the journey is ongoing, and is sure to be challenging, but can I just say that being approved seems like a giant, liberating leap? I basically finished all of our paperwork and questionaires in January, before life flipped us out of the boat. It was crazy getting on the internet this morning and seeing all the work we had done 5 months ago. I had to fight every urge to change everything. It is scary writing something knowing what a huge difference it could possibly make, or not make for that matter. Writing our birth parent letter was so difficult. I felt it was so genuine and exactly how Mark and I felt. With that being said, when I read it now, I worry about how it comes off to others, since they don't know my mind as well as I do. Since I want it to remain active, (if I change it, it deactivates) I am refusing to make changes so it can remain available, for at least a few days before I can't take it anymore. I saw one or two silly errors that will probably add to some sleepless nights. Oh grammar and proof reading--when will the day come that things are just perfect the first time?!?!

I, for the most part, am a selfish person. This blog has been so great and uplifiting for Mark and I. We have loved sharing our story because of the outpouring of love and support we receive from all of you. It is a selfish vehicle. Do any of you feel used yet? We have come to lean on all of you so much and appreciate words of kindness, support, and love. If you didn't feel used before, maybe you will now. Please help spread the word that Mark and I are looking to start our family through adoption. Share it far and wide, yell it off of mountains. Spread it like wild fire! If anyone knows anyone, who knows anyone, who might be considering an adoption plan, tell them about Mark and I. We have been attending adoption classes, and each week we are taught the importance of networking and being proactive. This is my first feeble, possibly cheating, effort at it. I have posted our adoption profile number above our ticker, and in our information. For the record, our profile can be seen at itsaboutlove.org. Our profile number is 24368592. I should see if I can make the number attention grabbing like all those infomercials,  1-800-Jenny or something. 2gently2 is the best I could come up with...not so much...Regardless,  if anyone is interested, refer them to the blog or itsaboutlove.org.

Sorry for the advertising, but honestly, we appreciate it! We are so excited to move ahead. Hopefully, in the next few days  I will have some good pictures to post of BJ, the Relay for Life, and the new toy Mark and I have been riding all week. It was about a year ago that my mare got hit by a car,  and I finally think I found a legitimate bandaid. We love our new gelding! Pictures to come:)

Crossing the Finish

Why is it that life and running share so many similarities and lessons? Finishing is always sweet, so why the tears and mixed emotions every time I finish a race?  I don't believe we finished this race this majestically. We are actually not pictured in this photo finish, we are just out of view behind those white dashes. Mark and I have been crawling from behind for the last two months. To be honest, this trip has flown by. It seems like only yesterday we were dumped on our heads, but we knew this day would come. It went fast, but it wasn't always easy. There were many lessons and uplifting moments, followed by despair and frustration. I had a lot of shameful moments and shameful thoughts, times where it felt like life was unfairly picking on us. I played the blame game on occasion and wanted to quit a time or two. A wise mother told me on one of these bitter days, that I needed to recognize A positive, just one; look at ways help was being sent from above. I have come to the conclusion that finishing the journey was made possible only by flying on the wings of others, angels among us that carried Mark and I when we needed it the most. We have greatly appreciated the love, thoughts, prayers, well wishes, dinners, surprises, phone calls, notes, donations, listening ears, friends, and countless other ways we have been blessed by service. Honestly, we have leaned so heavily on others, in a way, I am sad to see it end. I hope we can remember how to stand on our own.

This picture was taken by Mark, from his hospital bed, the day he was diagnosed. I hope we never forget the feelings we had that day. It was a day when nothing mattered but each other, our families, our friends, and our faith. Not that I want many similar experiences, I will say that this was a humbling experience and maybe something we needed to re-evaluate our priorities and teach us to rely on Heavenly Father and those around us. It was this day, that I realized I loved and cherished Mark more than I thought capable, and I was grateful that if I had to walk through a storm, it was with him.

The first dose of chemo

The empty bag of his final chemo drug, for the last time:

Getting meds before his last lumbar puncture:

It was a little bitter sweet to walk into the clinic today knowing we wouldn't be as close with our special friends. Cancer nurses are incredibly special people and will hold a piece of our hearts forever. We have met and built bonds with so many others; it has been an incredible blessing. There is an immediate connection when you know someone else is currently waging a war of their own. The nurses pulled out all the stops today and definitely brought tears to my eyes as they presented Mark with a completion certificate and sang a song of celebration. Seriously, they sang! They claimed they didn't know how to dance. Mark and I should have pressed and held out for the dance. I think we could have urged it out of them in time. When we come back, we will expect some actions or something Linda:) Oh, and we love you!

This is Linda presenting the certificate of completion:

We love everyone at Teton Oncology. Everyone from the front desk, to the nurses, to the doctors, to the other patients. I don't want to wish anyone to have to go there, but it is an upside if you find yourself in a similar predicament. Maybe we should convince them to provide a different service like a good car wash. Everyone likes a good, reliable car wash now and then.

Even though chemotherapy is done, Mark has a good cooling down period before we are officially done. In a few weeks, he will start radiation which will continue for thirty days. We will think of this as a good cool down and stretch. There will be a few side affects, but it should be "easy" compared to what he has already gone through. He does have a few whiskers on the top of his head. Hopefully these will multiply and his eyelashes will come back soon. After radiation, he will have his final PET scan to ensure everything looks as good as they did halfway through treatment. Then, the port will come out and he will be continually monitored and having CT scans for a few months. Over time, these will fade out and we will go in less and less. Here's to hoping we have beaten good once and for all. I don't know how optimistic I would be about a round 2.

In other news, I decided to ugly up my dog. Mark hates the excessive hair and wished that Roxy would follow the example of other friends who have shown support by shaving their heads. So, today Roxy went in for a shave down. At least she now matches the patch of missing hair she was supporting after the attack. She once had a beautiful, flowing coat. She now looks like this:

She is still cute in the eyes of her mother. And she has a cute handkerchief. She does seem to be sulking about being bald though. However, I think she will find this to be much cooler. Her long coat tended to collect the assortment of goods when we took her horseback riding and exploring. Mark suggested we tell her she is a good dog more often and give her more food and we will shortly be forgiven. I am sure he is right.

We are still waiting to for our adoption home study to be completed. If anyone wants to urge LDSFS along, feel free. The, "It will be done next week" has been going on for about 5 now. Another lesson on patience I suppose. I guess it is preparing us for the amount of waiting we will do once we are actually approved. I start a whole bunch of classes Monday, outside, so pray for warm weather. It was supposed to be summer by second block so I wouldn't freeze all day every day. Thank you all again for your love and support. We send it right back! I will try to post a little more regularly. I take a hiatus if I can't say anything nice. I would rather not display my crappy attitude. We hope the ride is only up from here!

This final picture is of our front door. Wonderful friends braved the wind to hang balloons and these encouraging stars. Thanks guys! Hopefully they stay on for awhile. They are too cute and bring a smile:)