A Good Day

Today was exciting, yes exciting. Mark and I went on two field trips. The first was to get his shot to help boost his immunity system. Dr Hancock told us Mark could stop taking the antibiotic that was causing vomiting. It was great news! Mark celebrated by eating two plain cheeseburgers from Artic Circle. They had to be from Artic Circle, that is what sounded the best. Mark's next chemo will be Thursday February 25th. The office is very thoughtful and they figured if we went in on Thursdays, Mark would feel good enough to go to work on Mondays. We ran a few errands, went to his orthopaedic appointment, and then Mark decided he had had enough and slept for a few hours. He thanked me for taking him on errands, ha, that was a first! It felt good to get out of the house. The only real symptom today besides fatigue was a rotten taste in his mouth. We searched our "cancer" bag and the Blo Pops did the trick. Thanks Ironman!

After eating dinner, (yes dinner!!) Mark felt good enough to go to the ward talent show. When you are stoked, totally stoked, about going to the ward talent show, you know life's enjoyments have been re-evaluated. Since the place would be seething with kids, Mark had to go with a mask and some hand sanitizer. I was hoping that Mark would pull out a sweet talent, like the moonwalk or something since he totally looked the Michael Jackson part. He disappointed and didn't dance at all; he sat hidden in the back and just scared a few little ones who didn't recognize him.  The bishopric, high priests, and elders quorum finished the night with a bang performing a stirring rendition of "Pants on the Ground" Thanks guys, it felt so good to laugh and smile:) and now you get a special place on our blog. At least no one can recognize ya!

Our President's Day

Oh the holidays in our lives. This one never meant that much to me. I always looked at it as one of those sweet Mondays off. Nothing like a 4 day weekend! Today was no exception. Mark and I had a pretty amazing day off.

Mark's President's Day

Haha. I am sure there will come a day when I tire of taking pictures of Mark passed out. Today is not that day. You all might wonder why I keep posting sleeping pictures. I, however, think this picture says a thousand words. This kid is tired. Really tired, can you tell? He hasn't had much of an appetite. I did have a fleeting thought that I should shove something nutritious down that open mouth, but I fought the urge. That nice ensemble to the right is his throwup bucket and towel. Fortunately, he did not have to use it once today. When you sleep all day, you don't have the oppurtunity to feel all the awful side affects. We got a VERY helpful tip on how to best take the Prednisone and it worked like a charm. Slid right down! I cheated and did not give him his antibiotic. I think the antibiotic makes him throw up, the chemo just makes him nauseated. I told him if he would eat, I wouldn't make him take his antibiotic and we would just lie and say we did.....

Jenny's President's Day:

I had a slight freak out, OCD moment today when I realized my house was probably a disgusting place and Mark's immune system shouldn't have to be on high alert at home. I cried and panicked, but calmed down and spent the entire day scrubbing, disinfecting, and doing laundry. I still worry that my lack of absolute cleaning knowledge has left a little to be desired, but it did help resolve the panic attack and divert my attention to something else. I have always loved Clorox wipes, today I might write the Clorox Company a little note of appreciation. I love them even more.

Thanks to all who stopped by today. It was nice to have company and some sort of fun. We had an amazing dinner and Mark even was able to eat a little bit. He is still super sensitive to smells and not having to make something in the kitchen that will stink up the whole house was an absolute blessing. The Snow Fairy visited my house today, I don't when. I didn't hear anybody and I have been home all day. Mark had a craving for raspberry dressing on his salad and mine expired about 2 years ago. I drove to the store and when I came home I noticed that the front walkway looked a little less treacherous. Thank you Snow Fairy! Now visitors can come to the front door instead of through the laundry room. It's more inviting that way I am sure. I am beginning to think of all the special mystical people, Santa, the tooth fairy, the Easter bunny, etc, the Snow Fairy is becoming a fast favorite! Once again, thank you all for the comments, thoughts, prayers and concerns. We love you all!

Home at last

This post won't be as long, I am running out of insightful remarks. Right now Mark and I are witnessing reality setting in right before our eyes. I will start with the good news.

The good news is we came home today. He had a good morning and kept his oxygen levels above 90. We even took a cruise around the hospital without shortness of breath. Dr Hancock came to discharge and went over Mark's abdomen CT scan. It looks good overall. There is a lesion in Mark's kidney, but having a kidney cyst of even a small stone he will never feel is very possible. He believed it was probably benign, but we will see in a few weeks if it has changed when we do the PET scan. If it has, it is likely a lymphoma. Either way it doesn't matter, the chemo treatment is the same no matter where the cancer is. There also was a spot on his hip bone, EXACTLY where the Dr Hancock did the bone marrow biopsy so it is pretty much from the biopsy and not a lesion. We will not get the bone marrow tests sometime next week, but there is a very slim chance, one in a million, that will come pack positive. He also had a lump on his scalp that went away after chemo which makes us believe it was also a lymphoma. Once again, it won't change anything, just help stage Mark.

Since his nausea last night, Mark has not eaten one thing. Not even water. He did take some prednisone which he coughed up. When we got home, Mark crashed on the couch and slept for 4 hrs. When he woke up, he actually felt like eating a bit. Applesauce sounded good and Gatorade to drink. We were so excited that something sounded good. He couldn't even watch food commercials so this felt like a big break through. He ate it and felt pretty good. He then took his antibiotic. Poor kid, we are going to have to try something else and a different routine tomorrow. Hopefully applesauce sounds good again someday. We forget he is sick and then, like I said, reality comes back and he can't even keep down a few spoons of applesauce.

Some of you have asked about Mark's cancer. He are a few resources we were directed to. http://www.lls.org/ and http://www.lymphoma.org/. You kind of have to poke around. Start with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, then find diffuse large b-cell lymphoma. I tried to do a direct shortcut to the pdf article on lymphoma. org but it is massive. So, if you Google diffuse large b-cell lymphoma and look at the first link after the sponsored links, it is the very first one. It says PDF right next to it. It is a very brief, small summary but paints a good picture.

Thanks again for all your prayers and support. Mark appreciates the phone calls and visits, even if he doesn't feel well enough to talk.

Angels Among Us

Once again, late at night, I find myself in deep reflection. My sleep schedule is totally messed up and honestly, I don't mind. I like the night. I find it peaceful and calming. I love to stick my ipod in, watch Mark sleep,and think about the day. There is something beautiful about the late night, even at the hospital. I drive home and back and see like two cars the whole time. It is calm and quiet.

Today, I was again overwhelmed by the great people that surround us. We were blessed with visitors and well wishes. I love when they come to our little world and bring a piece of theirs. As they came and went, I couldn't help but think of one of my favorite talks. This quote is from a Conference talk Elder Holland gave in October 2008. I can't believe it has been that long. I swear he just gave it. I can think of no better way to describe the wonderful people around us; they are angels.

"I have spoken here of heavenly help, of angels dispatched to bless us in time of need. But when we speak of those who are instruments in the hand of God, we are reminded that not all angels are from the other side of the veil. Some of them we walk with and talk with—here, now, every day. Some of them reside in our own neighborhoods. Some of them gave birth to us, and in my case, one of them consented to marry me. Indeed heaven never seems closer than when we see the love of God manifested in the kindness and devotion of people so good and so pure that angelic is the only word that comes to mind."

"God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face."

These are just two particular quotes that hit me hard tonight. Mark and I were surrounded by angels all day. With help like that, what do we have to complain about? Some special angels came and brought us a wonderful gift of experience and understanding. We were shocked and touched when they walked in the room. Thanks you guys. Mark and I went through it item by item and shared a few smiles and a few tears; the rough road has been paved just a little. The visitors throughout the day left us in great spirits. Today was a great day!

Initially, we were supposed to go home this afternoon. This is strange, but I am really grateful we didn't. It all feels a little surreal still. I am glad we haven't had to take it all "home" yet. I know when we leave tomorrow, we take the cancer and all its glory with us. I wish it would all stay here in 2015. The doctor explained to us today that Mark's pneumonia was still a little worrisome. It is secondary to the tumor, but it borders on obstructive pneumonia and he wants Mark to kick it a little more before we go. Mark continues to be on IV antibiotics and started oral antibiotics this evening. If we would have left tonight, we would have packed home oxygen and an IV. I wasn't too thrilled about the prospect. I would rather leave them here and let the nurses take care of all the specifics. What's another night?

Mark woke this morning pretty groggy. He was physically and emotionally spent. About 10 he finally started acting normal....really normal. He was great! He looked good, felt good, and was rearing to go. He didn't seem sick at all. The chemo had done its job, the tumor must have shrunk because Mark was able to breathe better than he has in weeks. His color was good, his pain was better, and his spirits were high. With Mark feeling so great, I felt even better than he did. I almost forgot he was sick. My emotions were in check and almost cheerful all day. We bragged all day long about how great everything was going, I think we spoke a tad too soon. As night came on, Mark began to feel nauseated and reality hit. He hadn't eaten much, but what he had didn't make it too far. After a few episodes, we were able to get an order for anti-nausea pills. Hearing him struggling in the bathroom with his nausea left me thinking that this is just a snapshot of how he will feel as this goes on. I do pretty good until I see him feel sick. I was VERY grateful at this point I hadn't taken him home. I can hear him snoring above my music, so I am sure his meds are calming the storm and  he is getting some rest.

On a side note, my sweet boy gave me these flowers for Valentines day. What a guy:)

Answers or Questions

I have spent basically every waking moment in Mark's room. At night, I go home, shower, feed the dog, and gear up for another day at the hospital. Tonight, when I came back, this is what I found. Mark peacefully sleeping. He is currently on his last chemo med and hopefully will stay this peaceful throughout the night. It is currently midnight, and has been a long day. It is crazy to think those tubes are delivering poison that will shrink his tumor to half its size, possibly by tomorrow. Go poison go!

I used the few seconds of downtime at home to check my Facebook. I knew it would be bombarded, we have had so many people call and text us at the hospital. (On a side note, whoever shoveled snow at my house is my current hero, it was nice not to have to trek through the snow late at night to get my mail, and to get into my house, bless you!) We are so grateful for everyones thoughts and prayers. We can feel them and are relying on them. Honestly, it is the most comforting feeling to know we are not alone in this. I have to give a shoutout to Ironman Jace and his family.  After reading his blog for months, it has always been fresh on my mind. Especially now. Through these crazy days that wonderful blog has answered questions, led to questions, and helped us find comfort. I feel like it has perfectly described my many different feelings and helped me formulate them into words. I have reflected on it often. It is my current Bible:)  This has happened so fast and has been incredibly overwhelming and life changing. Because of this, I recognize that many of you have questions and are wondering how and when this all happened. I feel like I owe it to all of you to let you in on the situation. If you are hoping for this to be as well written as some other blogs, you might be slighly dissapointed. You can blame my high school English teacher;) My last post was quite brief and in the moment. At that time we really did not know much. The picture is much better at this point.

I suppose the beginning is the best place to start. Mark has not felt quite right for about 2 months. December was a rough month, he started off the Christmas season with ACL surgery. Shortly following the surgery, he began to get a nagging cough and cold symptoms. He wasn't sleeping well and felt fatigued frequently. We contributed this to his recent surgery and cold and flu season. I got a little impatient with him at times because he seemed to complain of every symptom he could think of. He had an itching bout with no rash, chest congestion, sinus congestion, arm pain, calf pain, back pain, rib pain, night sweats and yadda yadda. Nothing seemed to be consistent and symptoms would come and go. As soon as he felt like he was turning a corner, the "cold" would sit in again. He finally went to the doctor and received an antibiotic. It didn't make any difference. A week later, he and I went in for our adoption physicals. He once again asked for a different antibiotic and something to help him sleep. Another week went by and his chest and head congestion got much worse. Last Saturday and Sunday, his breathing started to become labored and shallow. He got up early and went to physical therapy for his knee and came home exhausted. He put in a few hours of work and came home wheezing. We knew at that point whatever "cold" he had decided to settle in his chest and we were worried about pneumonia.

Tuesday morning, Mark made an appointment to go see the doctor yet again. They took a chest xray and it was pretty obvious he had pneumonia. He came home with a new antibiotic and some breathing treatments. The doctor told him that they would make a difference right away, but if he lost strength to come back quickly. Wednesday, Mark started to complain of back and chest pain. He felt better Wednesday night and asked for a priesthood blessing so that he could finally turn the corner and get back to work Thursday or Friday. About 4 that morning, Mark woke up and told me it felt like a cinderblock was sitting on his chest. I asked him if it was new, and he said no.  He told me to go back to sleep and he would be fine. At 9, I called the doctor and left a message to see if this was normal, maybe the pneumonia was working its way out. When we didn't hear back right away, I decided it would be easier just to make an appointment. The doctor wasn't in, but the PA could see us at 11. The PA took a look at the xray taken Tuesday before he visited with us. He had a fresh look without knowing any of Mark's complaints or symptoms. When he came in, he told us that we would definitely need a CT scan because the xray didn't look quite right. We rushed straight to the hospital, did the scan, and were sent immediately back down to the medical center. Mark said the xray tech had a look in her eyes that suggested something wasn't quite normal. He said he felt at that moment, this might not be just a bad case of pneumonia.

After waiting what seemed like forever, the PA came in and said, "Well Mark you have a mass in your chest. It is about 14 cm x 10 cm." At that point, Mark and I both gasped. I started to cry, Mark followed pretty close behind. It felt like a bad joke or a bad dream. That seemed massive to me. The PA started to throw around words like chemo, oncology, and biopsy. He signed admit papers and we rushed back to the hospital. I dropped Mark off and went to park the car. I made a few calls to family and friends to let them know. When I got inside, Mark was already back getting blood drawn. They did the biopsy right away. The radiologist came in and showed us the CT scan and we became very scared. It was massive and wrapped around his airway, esophagus, major blood vessels, and into his lungs. It was blocking the vessels from getting blood to his lungs (hence the pneumonia) and to his head (hence the severe head congestion). There were a few nodules in his lungs, so despite the fact we did not have biopsy results yet, it was pretty obvious it was lymphoma, we just didn't know what kind.

We have been furiously working on our adoption papers for a few weeks. Since I was home with Mark all this week, I had gotten quite a big chunk of it done. We had worked on it all day Wednesday and were excited about the prospect of getting a baby in the near future. We were excited after a few failed fertility things. We were very optimistic. How quickly our future changed. In less than 24 hrs, we knew we were facing months of chemo and who knows what else. Everytime a baby is born at the hospital, they play a song and it reminds me that that will not be us for awhile. Dumb song. We waited a few hours before we were able to talk to the oncologist. Those were an awful few hours. We were trying to figure out how they were going to surgically remove a ginormous tumor that was literally "hugging" so many important things. Once the oncologist explained that it would not be removed, but shrunk by chemo, things looked a little more optimistic. Dr. Hancock explained things so well and gave us a roadmap without knowing exactly what kind of lymphoma we were facing. We came out of that meeting feeling very positive and optimistic. The faster growing the tumor was, the faster it would respond to treatment. We figured that with the size, that it was definitely fast growing. Early Thursday I was trying to decide whether or not to play in a bowling league and in my soccer game that night. I thought I would be able to make the late game. Thursday morning and Thursday night were two different worlds.

Today, Friday, Mark started the day with preop questions and tests. He had an ultrasound of his heart and neck area to see if there was anything going on, more nodes, or the tumor affecting his heart. He had surgery at 11:30 to place a port, draw spinal fluid, and take a bone marrow biopsy. At 2 we learned from Dr Hancock that the pathology from Thursday's tumor biopsy was back. Mark officially has a form of NHL known as Diffuse Large B-Cell Lymphoma. From what we are told, if you have to have cancer, this isn't a bad one to have. It responds well to treatment. The spinal fluid came back with no cells which is good. The bone marrow results will come tomorrow. He started response based treatment, beginning with the first of three cycles of chemo. They also did a CT scan of his abdomen with contrast to see if there is any evidence of nodes in his abdomen. We feel like we caught this pretty quick. He is "lucky" it was affecting his airway and caused pneumonia, if it were in his abdomen he might not have had an onset of symptoms and would not have found it as soon. If we would have waited a few more days or a week, he risked the chance of having a stroke since the tumor was affeting blood flow. Finding a good artery for the port proved to be a small challenge since some of his arteries were completely blocked off. They did some "electrical" fishing to get the line squared away correctly.

Dr Hancock was great to spend a lot of time with us explaining the drug cocktail Mark will receive and its side affects. It won't be easy and it won't be fun. He should begin to feel better initially as the medicine will shrink the tumor very quickly, as soon as tomorrow. This will help him breathe and relieve the pressure and pain in his chest. Since it is response based, duration will be based on how well he does. He will probably have radiation therapy once the chemo is done. He will be given meds to counteract the chemo meds. With these, we hope that he feels good enough to get back to work soon and back to our "new" normal life, as was eloquently described by a post on Jace's blog.

Despite the shock and awe of the last two days (which seemed to have gone so fast, but seem so long, our old life seems like a memory), we have been so blessed. We have felt the power of the priesthood through blessing of worthy holders. Mark is a trooper and his spirits are good. He says he has been very calm since a blessing givin by his dad. Dr. Hancock also helped to calm us down. At least now there is a game plan and it has already started. I am doing ok. I have been freaking out and worrying about things that probably don't matter and will come with time. I am learning to take things an hour at a time. I can't put into words how grateful we are to all of you who have sent wishes. It makes me wish I was more vocal when I heard others struggling. I felt concern prayed, but never told them I was. We are buoyed up by the bombardment of support. We feel so blessed for competant doctors who are amazingly caring. We have had many visitors and appreciate them! We have a lot of thank you's to give and if we have missed some of you, we don't mean to. It is hard to keep up with it all. We live in a wonderful community and are blessed with wonderful family and friends. Thank you all! We love and appreciate you more than you know! I want to especially thank the many doctors that have showed concern and have taken to the time out of their busy days to come and check on us, spend time with us, comfort us, and answer questions. The nurses and other hosptal staff have been equally as great and are taking incredible care of us. Those nurses will always have a special place in our hearts. Mark even received a valentine from some mystery kid name Rhett. The small pack of Skittles were a huge blessing. They kept the nasty taste from the chemo drugs at bay. Thank you Rhett! Mark's first official craving...Skittles. I went to Maverick to buy some at 11:30. The lady kind of looked at me funny when I told her that it was all I needed. I told her I just really needed a late night Skittle fix:)

Tomorrow we will get results from the bone marrow biopsy and the CT scan. He will get to go home hopefully sometime Saturday afternoon. I am nervous to be the care giver. It has been nice to let the nurses do it and just be an emotionally supporter (or wreck depending on the moment). Tonight, we are grateful for a loving Heavenly Father, a Savior who atoned for not only sin, but all pain and suffering. We are grateful for doctors, nurses, and modern medicine. We are grateful for Mark's great job, bosses, co-workers, and insurance. We are grateful for nearby families and their incredible support. We are grateful for friends and those of you coming out of the woodwork. We are grateful for mission presidents, stake presidents, our bishop, and ward family. We are grateful for Skittles and valentines.  I am grateful for the internet and social networking. It is so much easier than trying to text and man two phones! I am grateful for snow removal, a dog who somehow understood I was a little down,  and a little boy's blog that prepared me for the scariest day of my life!

The scariest day ever

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers. This is truly a day that I thought would never happen to Mark and I. I think we are still both in a little bit of shock. We don't even know the whole story yet, just that Mark does have some sort of cancer and will be starting treatment tomorrow. He has a mass in his chest that is 14cmx10cm. It was slowly cutting off his airway, which we are now grateful for because it led to its discovery. Right now, all we know is that it is a lymphoma. More tests and results await.

We are optimistic and know that things will work out. Mark is the most amazing person I know. I feel like he carried me through today instead of the other way around. It is crazy how fast your life tips upside down. It was just a month ago that we were struggling with 09 and infertility, I think I will take that back now. Mark said before I left that this is a trial that we are having for a reason and we are supposed to learn something from it. So tomorrow, the journey begins, the learning begins, the figthing begins, and whatever else might be waiting for us. We hope the biopsy comes back with news we want to hear. Thank you again for your thoughts, prayers, and faith. I know Mark appreciates it, as do I!

January in a Nutshell

I can't believe how fast time flies by. I am hoping it keeps going; I am totally sick of winter. I can hear Mark shoveling the foot of snow off the deck. Yuck. Seriously wanting spring. We tried to go for a ride yesterday, and decided after trying to unbury the horse trailer that it was in no way worth it. I was cold sitting in the pick-up. Yes, I am a baby. Now many of you will ask why I live here since I love snow so much, ask Mark. I feel like I used to like winter when I could actually afford to go snowboarding and Mark had knee capable of it. Now I am thinking life would be much happier in a warmer climate.

Despite the joys of winter, January has been a pretty good month. Mark and I officially started our home study for adoption. We are about half way through it. We will get fingerprinted tomorrow for our background checks. I am so excited, not specifically for the background checks, but the adoption. I get nervous once in awhile, just because we have heard that we could actually get a baby pretty soon after are study is complete. That is not so far away. I think the unknown is also a bit scary, but I know it is the right thing so I guess you move ahead. We are trying to get pictures together for our adoption profiles, so we have had to take the camera everywhere. I am sure people are quite annoyed by our new paparazzi status. Here are a few of last months activities:

We rented a cabin with some friends over New Years. It was really fun to watch a bunch of football and eat a bunch of food.

Mark got sworn in as a city council member. It is pretty funny. This picture shows everyone there pretty much. Mark is officially a politician.

At a S.F high school basketball with some friends. We go for the nachos.

I had to take some pictures of me playing indoor soccer for our adoption profiles. Last nights game was a women's league game. It was so much fun! I play so much better when I am not worried about playing good. It was one of my best games. The first picture is of me and my friend Ashlee. We have played together since I was 15-16. I met her playing for a club team in Idaho Falls. I was the new girl and she was one of the few that were nice to me from the beginning. Now, here we are, 10 years later, still playing together. I owe this girl a lot. Her family used to let me stay with them on every soccer tournament trip. I am glad we are still friends! January was good, hoping February is even more exciting!