Reality

 

Oh where to start. It has been a crazy few weeks. Mark has been traveling, we have been trying to get settled, and we have been busy with every day life. January seemed to fly by, which is fine by me. I hate the cold, and this January was just plain bitter. I have been hesitant to post any house pictures, because frankly, it still is a work in progress. Nothing is quite finished, and nothing is decorated. I have not hung one picture. It seems like there is quite a list of "to do's" and I haven't really been inspired to tackle it. I want a few more things to be finished before I dive in head first. I snapped all of these really fast, with my trashy camera. I didn't even bother to make sure the picture was straight or things were picked up, but they will have to do for now! I figured if I waited until everything was perfect, finished, and clean I would never have any pictures.

 

Our entry--the only room finished.

Looking from the entry into the living room. We just bought this couch a week or two ago. I love it! Unfortunately we never sit in it, we all love being in the bonus room too much. I love my big windows and the view out the back. Gorgeous!

Paige's room

Living room to kitchen. The built-ins are not finished obviously. Still need tile around the fireplace, shelves, and crown molding across the top. Through the door is Paige's room, the main bath, and another bedroom.

Main bath

Laundry/mud room.  I love this drop zone!

Kitchen to laundry/mud room.

 

Laundry to kitchen. Ignore the dirty bottles and dishes in the sink. Like I said, I literally snapped these shots during Super Bowl halftime.

Living room to kitchen

My pantry, in need of food storage and organization

Master bath

Close up of master shower tile

Master bedroom. I really need a headboard. My bed makes me sad. It looks half done all the time!

I took a few picture of the upstairs bonus room, but it is currently a disaster and Beyonce was performing on the TV. I just couldn't bring myself to advertise our lounging selves. We are really loving our house and feel very blessed. I look forward to making it a home and I am waiting for some of my more creative friends to offer to help me decorate. Just kidding---kind of! I have a few ideas, I just need more time and money to pull it all together. It may be awhile, which is fine. I am sure we will be here for awhile.

In my last post I alluded to our big life change in June. The cat has pretty much been let out of the bag at this point, so I feel pretty comfortable sharing that my dad has been called as a mission president. We don't know where yet, but he and my mom will be serving for 3 years in an English speaking mission. They will do an amazing job, but I will sure miss them. I have been blessed to have them close. I've been spoiled having them around. They help me so much! I love the relationship they have with Paige. It hurts my heart a little to know that will change. Paige really loves her grandpa and she asks for him everyday. They are best buddies and it will be hard to see him go, but we know it's the right thing to do. In addition to leaving, they are planning on selling their house, a house I still very much consider my home. I spent a majority of my life in that house. It's hard knowing that once my parent's leave, they really are leaving the area for good.

January also brought some new, unexpected news. There are honestly times where Mark's cancer feels like a dream. As time passes, we have less follow-up appointments and it's easy to think of it as a trial firmly planted in the past. I have read many blogs and posts from other cancer families, and they reference all the things that cancer cannot do---which is very true. It can't do a lot of things, but there are times when it CAN do enough. We have been very open about our infertility woes, and they aren't new. Before cancer, there was really no defined reason explaining why we weren't able to conceive. I personally feel like it was me, I know it was me. We knew adoption was the right path, and in the middle of the process, Mark was diagnosed. At that moment, we knew why adoption felt so right. Paige's arrival was an absolute testament that we had made the right choice. No doubt in my mind she was meant for our family and we feel so blessed to have her. We love adoption on a very real and personal level. With that being said, adoption cannot cure the feelings associated with infertility. It's hard.

We have been trying to grow our family for awhile now, and I do feel an unknown sense of urgency. I don't know why. Maybe because Paige is two and I want her to have a sibling decently close in age. Maybe I feel like I am only getting older. Maybe I knew it was going to be a journey and we might as well get started. After all, it only took us 4 years the first time around. Maybe I subconsciously wanted something to happen while my parents were still close. When I first got their news, that was my first thought. I needed my mom!  Whatever the reason, I felt I needed to up the ante and start talking some infertility treatments with my doctor. Since we didn't know where we stood after the whole cancer thing, it was obvious we needed to address that issue first. I was confident it wouldn't be an issue, and was working through some of my own fears and questions regarding the next steps in treatment. Mark, however, wasn't as optimistic, and once again---Mark was right. He always seems to be right. I need to learn when Mark has hunch, it's best to plan on it. Even though we knew it was a very real possibility, the news was crushing. Before, there was always hope and a chance we would have biological children. None of our tests were conclusive, or negative for that matter. We experienced unexplained infertility.  Hearing the finality that chemotherapy and radiation ruined any chances for us to have children was a blow I didn't think we would have to deal with. I thankfully do not know what it is like to lose a child, or to miscarry, and I hope I never have to know what that feels like. I do feel a huge sense of loss, mourning a child that will never come. As scary as pregnancy and labor and all that entails was to me, I will always wonder what it is like to see a positive pregnancy test, to go to an ultrasound, to feel a baby kick, to compare Mark and I's baby pictures to our new bundle of joy. Like I said, it hurts.

I hate saying those things and seeming ungrateful, because we do love adoption. And even though it is incredibly difficult, it provides experiences that pregnancy does not. It was exciting to be matched, to get to know and love somebody in a very new a different way. Having a relationship with Paige's birthmom is something I can't explain. She allowed us to be a part of so many things that she didn't have to let us in on, and I feel grateful to her for allowing us into her life. The adoption process isn't easy, and I am overwhelmed and scared to start it all over. I have to remind myself that things will happen as they should and have faith in that, but I am sure there will still be hard days, and days that we doubt. Our first adoption was amazing--textbook. We were so lucky and blessed. Ours was the antithesis of the horror stories people like to pass around. We are just beginning the journey, but we hope by being open and sending out the vibes that we are ready to adopt again, that it will spread like wildfire and maybe, just maybe, we can have another success story. If we are meant to be a family of three, then we will be grateful for our little miracle family.

This post is quickly becoming a novel, but I wanted to share some fun photos of our seemingly normal days.

I found my old "My Little Ponies" and Paige has enjoyed them. I enjoy watching her play with them. It's fun to watch your kids love something you loved.

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This picture concerns Mark. He is fairly certain I have ruined our child and am turning her into a clean freak. He may or may not be right.

Paige's very favorite toys are her dishes. She grabs them out of the cupboard multiple times a day and sets them up like this all over the house. I find dishes in strange places. On this particular day, she found her way into the pantry and into the soup cans. She makes me smile.

Paige and I have a lot of similarities, but we are also very different. Paige is a girly girl. She doesn't get it from me that's for sure. She was so excited about her bright pink nails!

We didn't have many free Saturdays, but we were itching to get back in the saddle after a very long hiatus. Scout is at pony camp, and his teacher let's us come out and use the indoor facilities whenever we want. Scout is not ready to ride, so this isn't him, but a very fancy pony we only can wish was ours! It was about 5 below, and being inside didn't make it warmer. Paige has never really ridden, and with it being freezing I was skeptical we would have fun at all. Paige was a trooper and totally in love. We rode in the bone chilling cold for 2 hours. Paige laughed and laughed. I learned that one of the greatest blessings of parenthood is sharing something you love with your child, and seeing her love and experience it for the first time. I can't wait until we are consistently spending time with our horses as a family.

 



Behind

Wow--It has been a crazy few weeks and I am pretty much behind in everything, especially blogging. I am pretty sure 5 people read my blog, so I know it's been a huge disappointment to the masses having no updates. The move was overall successful, we have a few loose ends that still need to be tied up, but we are in and mostly unpacked. I have a junk room, mostly filled with decor that hasn't found a home yet. I have been reluctant to take pictures and give y'all the big reveal because there are quite a few things that need finishing. I lived without cabinets for a few days, I now have most of my cabinets done, but no hardware and a few key doors are gone. I have no bathroom mirrors, towel or toilet paper roll holders, mailbox,  and the main feature in my living room is currently a massive tower of plywood. It is pretty beautiful. Now that the holidays are over, I am hoping some of these loose ends will get tied up. It has been lovely being here, having a garage and a furnace and a nice big old tub to sit in when I have had enough! The cleaning process was a disaster. Mark was pretty sure it was worth saving some money and having me do all the construction cleaning. While that may be true, after 3 straight cleaning days I was ticked I agreed to do it. In the future and for anyone wondering, it may not be a waste of money having someone else do all that nitty gritty. It was awful. My hands are still trying to recover. I am still finding dust everywhere, and probably will for years. I have been maniacal when it has come to cleanliness, I want it all to be perfect. My OCD is in full swing, but no matter how hard I try, it just isn't going to be perfect. I spent HOURS on my kitchen floor, and still vacuum it almost every day, and as soon as someone walks through the door, sawdust is tracked everywhere. I am learning it is a battle I can't win, and a pretty ridiculous battle anyway.

Paige's birthday fell right on moving day, so we pushed it back a week and I threw a little housewarming/birthday party for the grandparents and Paige's birth family. I didn't think moving and getting ready for Christmas was enough to keep me busy I guess. It turned out to be an awesome day and everything came together really well. I made the cake, hot cocoa, and appetizer, but cheated on the main meal and bought chicken salad sandwiches and a salad. Best idea ever---thanks Mom! Paige was so fun and pretty excited about the presents, cake, and extra attention she was getting. She wasn't spoiled at all! I was so grateful her birth family made the trek up here to be with us. They made the day super special. We love them and they really are an extension of our family! This sweet thing is starting college this semester and I feel like a proud mamma. I am SO happy for her. I knew the moment I met her she had more tenacity and gumption than almost anyone I had ever met. She is an incredible person and has taught me what it means to overcome obstacles and soar!

Gotta love this picture! If you were ever wondering why Paige is so darn beautiful, this should provide you with an answer!

 

After seeing the amazing He-Man cake my sister-in-law made for my nephew a few months back, I was feeling inspired and slightly pressured to come up with something decent for Paige. My little brother helped me quite a bit with the finishing touches. I think it turned out really cute, and it was YUMMY! I cheated and did a cake mix, but the frosting is a homemade mint frosting that was delicious. It is my grandmother's recipe and was one of the fancier things I have ever attempted to make. Not hard, but room for error for sure. I had no back up plan, so thank goodness it turned out!

Remember the part about Paige being spoiled?! Well in addition to the fabulous presents from her parents and grandparents, her birth family brought up this special gift. Her very own kitty. Paige was ecstatic and hasn't stopped! Poor kitty has had to learn some survival skills and I don't think there is a mutual love going on. Paige directs the kitty, bosses the kitty, and packs the kitty around. We tried to name the kitty Boots after Paige's other love, but everyone keeps calling it Kitty. I don't know if we can move past that. Paige was pretty excited to share her new tent, tea set, and shopping cart with the cat. The cat was less excited about all these adventures. Kitty has since been banished to the garage, where it is still being spoiled, but still tries to sneak into the house now and then. Unacceptable. You are cute Kitty, but you are not going to be a house cat on this farm! I am hoping it has some mad mousing skills!

 

 

 

 

After Paige's party, we had about three whole days before it was time for Christmas. Paige was pretty excited about this fun magnetic calendar from Grandma. It was one of the very few decorations that made it up this year. I snapped the other shot on Christmas Sunday. It was her holiday dress this year and she looked so cute!

 

Christmas morning seems to be a little overwhelming for Paige. She was pretty unsure about things and wanted some serious snuggles from Grandpa before she warmed up to the whole idea. This is becoming a Christmas tradition. Here is this years picture.....

 

And last years......

 

I don't know why she has a breakdown, but that is how we start the day. She warmed up a lot quicker this year, and was once again spoiled!

 

She LOVES this roller coaster. It is the gift that keeps on giving. In addition to the coaster, she got a stroller and bottle for her baby, which she opened first and refused to put down to open other presents. She also got a new stuffed animal (baby she says), Little People Playhouse, clothes, hat, books, and candy.

Pretty sure I have asked for a pony for Christmas since I was 3, Mark made my dreams come true and surprised me with this little guy. I was floored! I found this guy in October and fell in love. Mark seemed very disinterested and then told a few lies that put me way off track. He wrapped the AQHA papers and few pictures for me to open Christmas morning. I was so shocked and happy, I cried. Something about Scout grabbed my attention and I wasn't looking for any other horses. I was so sad when Mark said he was no longer for sale.Yay! Glad he is no longer for sale;)

 

Here are a few teasers of the new house. This light fixture caused me some anxiety. Our first choice fell through, and I loved this one in the store, but once it was hung, I was worried it was too low. You can see the box in the background waiting for a final decision. In the end, I decided I wasn't tall, and I loved the fixture too much to part with it.

 

This was our living room the night they laid carpet, we moved in two days later. That plywood monstrosity still looks that way, it just has a TV up there instead of doorknobs. I love this carpet. One of the best choices I made for sure!

 

Last Saturday, we rolled into Texas Roadhouse. I have taken a cooking hiatus over the holidays. I haven't had time to go to the store really, so eating out and over at families has been the ticket. Between that and my overindulgence in food....the last few weeks have been scary I am sure. Hopefully tomorrow we will get back into the swing of things. Paige is usually a nightmare to eat out with, but this night she did great and we had so much fun!

 

Earlier that day, Mark decided to take Paige on a 4-wheeler ride. It was darn cold outside, like 9 degrees. I tried to bundle up Paige the best I could for her first real snow adventure. I hate the snow, so we don't get out much. I leave those activities to Dad, and last year she was just too small. Mark said she loved it. She was pretty happy when she came home, but her face was frozen. Even Mark had to admit it was a little frosty out there!

 

And thus ended our Holidays. We had a great time, even if it was a little unorthodox. I feel so sad it came and went so fast and we had little time to soak it all in. I honestly hate the thought of a new year. Time seems to go so fast. I am unprepared for life to pass so quickly. I hate that I am getting older, that Paige is getting older, that the world is getting more and more crazy. Ahh! It all just stresses me out. 2013 has already promised some bittersweet changes and I am pretty much dreading June. Gah, it will be a pretty big life change for us around here. Hopefully some good things are around the corner and I can get some things figured out. I feel like I am running out of time. Does anyone else ever feel that way? I feel like time is short for so many things, but especially growing our family. I know it isn't true...kinda....but it really feels as if I am running out of time and I have no direction. I do not have a plan. I want a baby so bad, but have no plan and don't feel like I have much control. Add with the June life changer and I really feel like I am running outta time. Hopefully I can shed some light on that soon, but now isn't the time for the big blog reveal.  I hope this year isn't a stalemate for us. I honestly crave change and progress in my life. Strange I know, but I feel like I get restless pretty easy. I think that's why I hate January so much. It just feels dull and like nothing ever happens. I hope I didn't just dare karma and curse myself with something bad. It seems to happen that way right? At least for me anyways!

 

I have been reading a novel my other sister-in-law wrote (seriously I have overachieving, awesome, sister-in-laws that make me feel super untalented), and it is honestly a good story. How cool is that? She wrote a book...sheesh! I am hoping I find some confidence, drive, and niche for myself this year. I hope I can find and accomplish something fulfilling and self-improving. If I could only discover what that might be, I could actually make a resolution to do it!

 

Well 5 readers, thanks for sticking it out to the end of my really long post. It feels good to catch up and journal a little bit about our last few weeks! We feel very blessed and humbled by our blessings. I hope we can be deserving of them and look for ways to lift those around us. Happy New Year to all our friends and loved ones, we hope it's a good one for us all!

Calm Before the Storm

This week is going to be a nightmare. I am chilling this Monday morning and thinking of all the things that have to happen before Sunday rolls around, and it is pretty overwhelming. I can't even get a jumpstart on it. It is hard to believe that in one week from now, we will actually be in our new home. I told Mark the other day that it doesn't seem like our house, it seems like a project and I can't even imagine myself living there. Is that strange?! Maybe it has been a type of defense mechanism to keep from getting my hopes up. There is a lot of cleaning and packing to be done, in both rental and new house, but I can't really do either until later this week. And Mark will conveniently be gone. That kid has a special talent for avoiding moving. In our last three moves, yours truly has done essentially all of the cleaning and packing. I even loaded most of our stuff in the trailer last time. Mark had a hernia so all the real heavy lifting was done by his brothers. I wish I could go for a week and come home to a clean, unpacked, new home!

In the next 3 days, the house should be completed. It will be a blitz, but I think it is doable. Electrical is done and inspection is passed. Today is plumbing, tomorrow is carpet. Hopefully my cabinets and fireplace will also be done today and tomorrow. That really is all that is left. Mark is pretty tired of buying annoying things like hardware and blinds...all the fun details you don't have to deal with when you buy an existing home. The backsplash situation is causing me serious anxiety. I had NO idea how expensive they are! I feel like it is the most expensive part of the house, which I know is not true, but it feels that way. Especially since it comes at the end when our wallets feel a bit lighter. I was hoping it wasn't going to be a necessity right away, but I can tell it will be, especially in the bathrooms.

It has honestly been a pretty insane few weeks. I feel like we have been super busy doing nothing. Everyday is full of lots of little errands, combined with nap time and wham! Another day spent with not a lot to show for it. We have managed to have a little fun, highlighted by a trip to see family, including Paige's birthmom and her family. I always love seeing them! It had been much too long, and we had a great time, even despite waiting in traffic for an hour only to find that we arrived at the wrong mall. GRRRRR. I have no one to blame for that mistake but myself. Even though I really wanted to blame Mark:) We had our first ever hotel experience with Paige, and I have to say she did really good. She was fascinated by the elevator, and I think I am the only one that didn't get any sleep. Paige climbed into bed with me in the wee hours of the morning and I enjoyed a very rare snuggling moment, which was enjoyable but not restful. Paige is not a peaceful sleeper. Between Mark and Paige, I was hanging on the edge of the king sized bed, freezing cold.  How do those family bed people do it?!

Can't wait for some summer evenings on this front porch!

Even though it's freezing cold, it helps keep the mud at bay.

We are still waiting for cabinet doors and drawers, hopefully soon. I didn't notice until I posted this picture that Paige had sneaked herself into it. She pretty much thinks the new house is a fun playground.

My awesome wood floors in Mark's office and the foyer.

 

Cool tile around my tub, I forgot to take a picture of the shower, it looks amazing!

LOVE our granite, we changed our minds at the last minute to go with this particular slab, but I am glad we did. The colors are perfect for our home.

Cabinets before the granite. We even have appliances now.

This little girl is as baby hungry as her mamma. She always has a friend by her side. Last night she changed the diapers of two plush snowmen. I have to say she did a pretty good job. She insisted these two babies eat with her. I love her bib that proclaims her love for a mysterious big sister. Pears and chicken nuggets are 2 of 4 foods I can get Paige to eat regularly. And of course......ranch!

This picture was taken by Paige's birthmom. I love that Paige is sharing her sucker and that as Mark licks it, Paige sticks her tongue out.

 A good cheese moment.

Hats and babies are the current obsession around these parts. We bought this hat for her last Christmas, but she has only recently decided it was cool.

 

 

Can't believe this little bug of mine will be 2 this week. AHHH! Time flies. We will have to postpone the big party for a week since her actual birthday will be one busy moving day. We are so blessed to have her in our home. She makes our lives  a lot more exciting. 

Thankful

I have always tried to be a thankful person. I try to make a special effort to recognize the blessings I have. There are times in my life where it has been harder to be grateful, and then there have been times where I am bursting at the seems with gratitude and wonder how I will ever be able to repay the debt. When Mark was sick, it was extremely hard not to be angry. I truly felt we had been kicked while we were down. Whether it is right or wrong, or whether they have anything to do with one another, or perhaps I am doing better at recognizing my blessings, but this year has honestly been a year of blessing overload. I look at the trials we have had, and the blessings we enjoy, and it makes the trials more than worth it. Perhaps Mark would disagree since he was the one that had to physically carry the burden for us, but even he would have to admit that a lot of good came out of the cancer days. Like I said, maybe they aren't related at all, or the trials taught me to look at things differently. Either way, I feel like we have been richly blessed and are truly indebted to our Heavenly Father. I hope that we can live by the creed, "where much is given, much is required" and show our Heavenly Father we are grateful by blessing the lives of others.  In my last few posts, and honestly, most days, I have had a pretty bad attitude----especially when it comes to construction. I get so caught up in what isn't happening, that I have forgotten what IS happening and how blessed we are to even have the opportunity. I haven't shown a spirit of gratefulness that is for sure! I know that there will still be times I want to scream and pull my hair out, but I hope I can remember to be more positive and thankful.

I am not very good at the Christmas card thing, and with the holiday season officially underway, this year isn't looking very good for them either. I posted most of our family pictures on Facebook, but I know I have a lot of family members that aren't on Facebook, but read my blog. So, taking the lazy route, here are some of my favorite shots:

 

Family pictures were an adventure, and Paige was super grumpy, but we were still able to get quite a few shots that I can't wait to hang on the walls of our new home.

For FHE this week, we built a fort, or a pretty poor representation of a fort. I don't know if I was a better fort maker when I was a kid, or if my childhood expectations of forts were lower, but this was one poor excuse of a fort! Paige seemed to think it was pretty cool, especially crawling in and out of it. The shoddy construction didn't quite hold up to her constant movement, fortunately we were able to capture one good "cheese" moment before demolition.

Paige and Grandma Mary Lou. Paige finally discovered this is one sweet grandma and went to her on her own accord. She is usually all about Grandpa Thaylon and hangs Grandma out to dry. It was fun to watch Paige spread the wealth a little bit at our last big family party.

Mark has been living the dream this fall. Between construction and harvest, he has gotten to "work" in many different tractors and loves every second of it. Paige is definitely a daddy's girl and loves a good tractor ride. She will sit for hours with him in a tractor. She told us the other day that cows are cute. Mark has sufficiently brainwashed her!

Mark convinced me to hop in for a tractor ride. Pretty grateful to have these two in my life!

 

 

I hope this Thanksgiving finds all of our family and friends well. We love you all and count you among our richest blessings. Thank you for all the love and support you have shown us. We are looking forward to this holiday season and having a toddler around to make it even more magical!