Reality

 

Oh where to start. It has been a crazy few weeks. Mark has been traveling, we have been trying to get settled, and we have been busy with every day life. January seemed to fly by, which is fine by me. I hate the cold, and this January was just plain bitter. I have been hesitant to post any house pictures, because frankly, it still is a work in progress. Nothing is quite finished, and nothing is decorated. I have not hung one picture. It seems like there is quite a list of "to do's" and I haven't really been inspired to tackle it. I want a few more things to be finished before I dive in head first. I snapped all of these really fast, with my trashy camera. I didn't even bother to make sure the picture was straight or things were picked up, but they will have to do for now! I figured if I waited until everything was perfect, finished, and clean I would never have any pictures.

 

Our entry--the only room finished.

Looking from the entry into the living room. We just bought this couch a week or two ago. I love it! Unfortunately we never sit in it, we all love being in the bonus room too much. I love my big windows and the view out the back. Gorgeous!

Paige's room

Living room to kitchen. The built-ins are not finished obviously. Still need tile around the fireplace, shelves, and crown molding across the top. Through the door is Paige's room, the main bath, and another bedroom.

Main bath

Laundry/mud room.  I love this drop zone!

Kitchen to laundry/mud room.

 

Laundry to kitchen. Ignore the dirty bottles and dishes in the sink. Like I said, I literally snapped these shots during Super Bowl halftime.

Living room to kitchen

My pantry, in need of food storage and organization

Master bath

Close up of master shower tile

Master bedroom. I really need a headboard. My bed makes me sad. It looks half done all the time!

I took a few picture of the upstairs bonus room, but it is currently a disaster and Beyonce was performing on the TV. I just couldn't bring myself to advertise our lounging selves. We are really loving our house and feel very blessed. I look forward to making it a home and I am waiting for some of my more creative friends to offer to help me decorate. Just kidding---kind of! I have a few ideas, I just need more time and money to pull it all together. It may be awhile, which is fine. I am sure we will be here for awhile.

In my last post I alluded to our big life change in June. The cat has pretty much been let out of the bag at this point, so I feel pretty comfortable sharing that my dad has been called as a mission president. We don't know where yet, but he and my mom will be serving for 3 years in an English speaking mission. They will do an amazing job, but I will sure miss them. I have been blessed to have them close. I've been spoiled having them around. They help me so much! I love the relationship they have with Paige. It hurts my heart a little to know that will change. Paige really loves her grandpa and she asks for him everyday. They are best buddies and it will be hard to see him go, but we know it's the right thing to do. In addition to leaving, they are planning on selling their house, a house I still very much consider my home. I spent a majority of my life in that house. It's hard knowing that once my parent's leave, they really are leaving the area for good.

January also brought some new, unexpected news. There are honestly times where Mark's cancer feels like a dream. As time passes, we have less follow-up appointments and it's easy to think of it as a trial firmly planted in the past. I have read many blogs and posts from other cancer families, and they reference all the things that cancer cannot do---which is very true. It can't do a lot of things, but there are times when it CAN do enough. We have been very open about our infertility woes, and they aren't new. Before cancer, there was really no defined reason explaining why we weren't able to conceive. I personally feel like it was me, I know it was me. We knew adoption was the right path, and in the middle of the process, Mark was diagnosed. At that moment, we knew why adoption felt so right. Paige's arrival was an absolute testament that we had made the right choice. No doubt in my mind she was meant for our family and we feel so blessed to have her. We love adoption on a very real and personal level. With that being said, adoption cannot cure the feelings associated with infertility. It's hard.

We have been trying to grow our family for awhile now, and I do feel an unknown sense of urgency. I don't know why. Maybe because Paige is two and I want her to have a sibling decently close in age. Maybe I feel like I am only getting older. Maybe I knew it was going to be a journey and we might as well get started. After all, it only took us 4 years the first time around. Maybe I subconsciously wanted something to happen while my parents were still close. When I first got their news, that was my first thought. I needed my mom!  Whatever the reason, I felt I needed to up the ante and start talking some infertility treatments with my doctor. Since we didn't know where we stood after the whole cancer thing, it was obvious we needed to address that issue first. I was confident it wouldn't be an issue, and was working through some of my own fears and questions regarding the next steps in treatment. Mark, however, wasn't as optimistic, and once again---Mark was right. He always seems to be right. I need to learn when Mark has hunch, it's best to plan on it. Even though we knew it was a very real possibility, the news was crushing. Before, there was always hope and a chance we would have biological children. None of our tests were conclusive, or negative for that matter. We experienced unexplained infertility.  Hearing the finality that chemotherapy and radiation ruined any chances for us to have children was a blow I didn't think we would have to deal with. I thankfully do not know what it is like to lose a child, or to miscarry, and I hope I never have to know what that feels like. I do feel a huge sense of loss, mourning a child that will never come. As scary as pregnancy and labor and all that entails was to me, I will always wonder what it is like to see a positive pregnancy test, to go to an ultrasound, to feel a baby kick, to compare Mark and I's baby pictures to our new bundle of joy. Like I said, it hurts.

I hate saying those things and seeming ungrateful, because we do love adoption. And even though it is incredibly difficult, it provides experiences that pregnancy does not. It was exciting to be matched, to get to know and love somebody in a very new a different way. Having a relationship with Paige's birthmom is something I can't explain. She allowed us to be a part of so many things that she didn't have to let us in on, and I feel grateful to her for allowing us into her life. The adoption process isn't easy, and I am overwhelmed and scared to start it all over. I have to remind myself that things will happen as they should and have faith in that, but I am sure there will still be hard days, and days that we doubt. Our first adoption was amazing--textbook. We were so lucky and blessed. Ours was the antithesis of the horror stories people like to pass around. We are just beginning the journey, but we hope by being open and sending out the vibes that we are ready to adopt again, that it will spread like wildfire and maybe, just maybe, we can have another success story. If we are meant to be a family of three, then we will be grateful for our little miracle family.

This post is quickly becoming a novel, but I wanted to share some fun photos of our seemingly normal days.

I found my old "My Little Ponies" and Paige has enjoyed them. I enjoy watching her play with them. It's fun to watch your kids love something you loved.

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This picture concerns Mark. He is fairly certain I have ruined our child and am turning her into a clean freak. He may or may not be right.

Paige's very favorite toys are her dishes. She grabs them out of the cupboard multiple times a day and sets them up like this all over the house. I find dishes in strange places. On this particular day, she found her way into the pantry and into the soup cans. She makes me smile.

Paige and I have a lot of similarities, but we are also very different. Paige is a girly girl. She doesn't get it from me that's for sure. She was so excited about her bright pink nails!

We didn't have many free Saturdays, but we were itching to get back in the saddle after a very long hiatus. Scout is at pony camp, and his teacher let's us come out and use the indoor facilities whenever we want. Scout is not ready to ride, so this isn't him, but a very fancy pony we only can wish was ours! It was about 5 below, and being inside didn't make it warmer. Paige has never really ridden, and with it being freezing I was skeptical we would have fun at all. Paige was a trooper and totally in love. We rode in the bone chilling cold for 2 hours. Paige laughed and laughed. I learned that one of the greatest blessings of parenthood is sharing something you love with your child, and seeing her love and experience it for the first time. I can't wait until we are consistently spending time with our horses as a family.