More "Giving Back" and Relay for Life details

All right folks--get excited, the Relay for Life kickoff is really starting to take shape. If you haven't been involved with Relay for Life, now is your chance! Last year, Mark decided at the last minute that he wanted to participate. Not being one for fanfare, Mark was really leary about the whole thing. The day of the event, curiosity got the best of him, and knowing Ironman was going to be there, Mark gave in. It was an amazing oppurtunity and we are glad we didn't miss it! It exceeded our expectations. In the words of the Relay for Life coordinator Lisa-Marie, "Everyone needs hope, not just cancer patients, everyone needs a little hope!" That is exactly what Relay for Life gives. There is something overwhelming powerful about a group of people who gather to champion a single cause. In a time where the news is dominated by shootings, violence, and anger, events like these help to restore my faith in humanity and the overall goodness of people. During our little trial, I was constantly amazed at the support we received, not just from family and friends, but from complete strangers. Relay for Life helped Mark and I see how big the "cancer family" really is and that we were never alone in our journey. It is beautiful having such a strong bond and instant connection with someone because you know they understand the physical and emotional challenges you are going through.

Here is a perfect example of lives weaving together by cancer. As you know, a few days ago I introduced our "giving back" project. The first response I got was from an old friend I met at a college ward. It has really been years since we have seen each other or even talked much for that matter. It is great how Facebook allows you to keep in contact with people that never would have been possible before. Here is a little excerpt from her message:

       "My father in law was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer Feb 2010, He went through 3 surgeries    including having 65% of his liver taken out, 11 rounds of chemo, a fierce infection and 5 hospital stays adding up to 45 days total. He is finally well and back to himself. At his intial diagnosis they gave him a year to live, we have almost hit that year mark and his last scan a month ago his body was completely clear of cancer. We are cautiously optomistic that he will continue on the wellness path! So on a small scale our family can relate to what you both went through. I'm sorry you had to experience something so hard with your husband (we are all to young to deal with that kind of stuff)."

What an amazing survivor story! I got chills reading Anna's message, and it brought tears to my eyes. Anna's father-in-law's birthday is today. Congratulations! I know he and his family have a new appreciation for celebrating life today. In honor of his birthday, they are sending us a package to donate to the project. I love it! I love how projects like these unite people and bring hope to everyone invovled. Hopefully the end result will bring a few smiles on a few faces. No matter what your age, I am with Anna, we are ALL to young to deal with this kind of stuff.

The big kickoff event is slated for Thursday, February 3rd. The event will be at the new Marriot Hotel in Rexburg. It is at 1177 South Yellowstone Highway. Time: 6:30-7:00 Team and Survivor Registration, 7:00-8:00 Program and Service Project, 8:00-8:30 Team and Survivor Registration. We are hoping this will be a family event, so bring your kids! They are working on refreshments through Jamba and Great Harvest bread.  Hopefully, we will PACK that room and having standing room only! There will be so many ways to get involved this night.
1.Remember, Mark will be one of the speakers during the program, and there will also be some entertainment.
2. The service project will encompass our "giving back" project. We are asking those who come to bring a toy or dvd to donate if they are willing. We will be sanitizing the toys that night so they are ready to go to the oncology clinic. I would hate to dump them a whole bunch of germs! If you would like to donate Clorox wipes to the cause, that would be great as well. I will be providing bins and boxes, but I am sure if you have extra of these we could use them as well. Hopefully we will fill them! I really feel like there can't be too much. Perhaps with excess we can spread the joy to the hospital, or let kids take them home after rough treatment days. Anyone out there who has had a "chemo day" knows that it is hard to get excited about it.  Maybe knowing you might get a cool toy to take home will make it a little better. The toys and dvds DO NOT have to be new, so don't feel like this is something you have to go and buy for. Look around your house, see if there is a dvd you can't stand to watch one more time, or a toy you would be glad to "hide" permanently:) The only requirement is the toys need to be easily sanitized after each use to help keep germs at bay. We don't want to distress those weakened immune systems!
3. Another aspect of the service project will be more child oriented. If you aren't familiar with Mark and I's story, start reading last years posts in February. We were in the hospital over Valentine's Day and we received a beautiful card from Rhett, a little boy we didn't know. It lifted our spirits! There will be a table set up for kids to draw pictures, cards, or valentines to give out to patients. There isn't a person out there that doesn't love a little artwork from the heart. What a great oppurtunity to allow our little ones an oppurtunity to serve.
3. Team and Survivor registration will also be held. If you have never been part of a team, now's your chance. Relay for Life teams not only physically support by walking the track for 24 hours, but they raise funds for cancer research. It all goes towards a great cause, so come out and let's enjoy each others company.

If you can't come that night, but would still like to donate to our little project, feel free to email me at jsteiner18@gmail.com and I can give you some more information. Beehive Federal Credit Union in Rexburg has been generous enough to allow donations to be dropped off to either of their locations:

Rexburg Locations:
65 S Center
1087 Erikson Dr
Lobby Hours: 9:00 am - 5:00 pm

Our Valentine from Rhett, and a few get well card's from Mark's nieces.

Mark and I taking part in the survivor lap during last year's Relay for Life.

Come spend a night with us celebrating all those who are touched in someway by cancer. I promise you won't regret it! Service is infectious and is certain to bring a smile. It is dark, gloomy, and winter, let's brighten the mood by strengthening each other and by giving back!

4 Weeks---and Time to Give Back!

My little one is four weeks old today! I can't believe it! What also blows my mind is my sweet thing went to bed at 10, woke up at 3:30, woke up at 8:30! She must have wanted to give me a present for her big day. I feel like I am in a time warp where it doesn't move, but flies by all that the same time. So crazy! Strange that no matter how much I sleep, I often feel tired and no matter how much lotion I use, my skin is still falling off. It is the third dimension over here or something.

Paige is more alert each and everyday. She will have nothing to do with baby music and sounds, but totally relaxes back to my playlist on itunes. I really think she is 15 trapped in this teeny tiny body. She thinks she can hold her head up and hold her own bottle. She refuses nap time during the day claiming 15 year olds don't take naps. She is still wearing newborn diapers and will be for at least another week. Newborn clothes are on the verge of the wayside......for now they fit, but I can see that changing quickly. Looks like I am going to have to go shopping:)

Now for giving back---Mark was diagnosed with cancer February 11th 2010. His one year anniversary is quickly approaching and we want to celebrate it in a good way, following the lead of our very favorite fellow cancer survivor Ironman and his family. Since Mark's cancer journey was based at Teton Oncology, I called our favorite nurse Linda to see if there was a need that could be filled at the clinic. The clinic means a lot to us and we want to help anyway we can. After discussing some ideas with the nurses and doctors, Linda suggested the following:
   1. Toys that are easily cleaned after each use for the pediatric kids to play with during treatment. Mark was a pediatric patient, and let me tell ya, they do need some more toys! We were bored rather quickly;)  Treatment often takes a few hours, and their toy selection is pretty slim, giving the kids little option to entertain themselves in the office. For any parent out there, imagine trying to keep a happy child for multiple hours while getting some pretty serious treatment, and you can see why this would be a priority need!

2. Not just kids have to burn hours at the clinic, adults need entertaining too! When Mark would receive treatment, it would usually take about 6 hours. That is a really long time to be sitting around. The clinic has 3 portable dvd players and just a few movies to choose from. There wasn't a day we were there that each chair was filled with a cancer patient receiving chemotherapy. The clinic would love to add some more dvd's to their collection, giving patients a bigger selection.

I feel like these two requests are so simple, toys and dvds! They don't even have to be new.  Now, this is where I beg my readers for help. Mark and I could probably fill a few orders, but with the support we have had this year, I know we have an awesome network of supporters out there that could really make this anniversary gift to the clinic amazing. I have noticed a few of you are even cleaning out the toy rooms to make room for the new duds from Santa. If they are easily sanatized, why not donate them to the clinic rather than the trash? If you would be willing to donate to this project, please contact me! We would like to give this gift back around the 11th of February, so it gives us just a few weeks. We love our cancer family at Teton Oncology and would love to help those current patients. These requests might be small, but trust us, they would make a big difference. Through this experience, we learned the small things really make someones day.

In addition, Mark has been asked to speak at the big kickoff to the Relay for Life season on February 3rd. It should be a really fun night, the details are still being ironed out. I will keep you posted about the event. Stay tuned! There might be a possibilty we can tie our project or help with another one this evening. Plus, you get to hear some talks from some pretty amazing people---not just Mark! There will be entertainment and it will be a fun night celebrating those who brave the fight against cancer.

Thank you so much for keeping tabs on Mark and I. It feels so good to know people out there care about us and care about what is going on in our lives. We love little Paige and can't believe how much she is changing already. We know this February 11th will be a much better day than it was last year; we have so much to be grateful for.

Story Continued.....

I believe I left off making plans to meet our sweet angel birthmother.  Have you ever met someone and felt like you have been forever friends? It had only been about two weeks since we had been corresponding, but it seemed like we had been talking to each other for years, and that we knew each other so well. I was so nervous, but very excited to meet our angel. Mark and I had been glued to our email account and loved any piece of information we got. Mark was basically living in Utah at the time for radiation treatments. Funny that this ended up being a huge blessing for us. When we first learned insurance coverage was going to force Mark away from home, we were really upset. However, in the long run, it allowed us to spend a lot of time with our birthmother, Olivia.

The day was a Friday. I worried about my first impression, I was worried about saying something stupid because that is one of my many talents. I was worried about a lot of things. We sat in the boardroom at the agency waiting for our time together. The social worker came in and prepped us with a list of questions Olivia wanted to ask us. We in turn gave her a list of questions for her. I had spent the last few days making a gift for Olivia, and was really excited to give it to her, but nervous she would analyze it too much. I am really good at worrying--one of my greatest talents in fact. The awesome part? All my fears were so unfounded and as soon as Mark and I walked into the room, Olivia and I wrapped up each other in a huge hug, like long lost friends being reunited. I felt like we could have talked for hours and conversation flowed great. I was a little nervous still, but a good nervous. I love that she wasn't nervous at all! It is so her, strong, brave, bold, and unafraid about being herself. She is such a great example to me! At the end of the 2 hours, we had to say goodbye, but she blessed us by inviting us to her upcoming ultrasound--just a few days later. An ultrasound to confirm the gender. We were so excited!

The following Wednesday, Mark and I met Olivia and her mother, Melissa at the doctor and experienced one of the most amazing things ever, seeing our little GIRL for the first time. We felt so privileged to be invited there, to be allowed  there. It was incredible to see feet, hands, a cute little face, and a healthy baby. Afterwards, Olivia gave us an infant bracelet and a letter I will never forget. It is one of my most prized possessions. She wrote Mark and I the most amazing letter, explaining why she chose us to parent her baby. I bawled reading words I really never thought would come, Mark was driving and asked me to read it aloud. Yeah right! Somehow, I was able to get through it enough for him to get the picture. We were on our way to meet Olivia and Melissa for ice cream. I had to compose myself enough to see her, but Olivia could tell I was a mess and just gave me a hug. We had a wonderful visit, without a social worker, and just enjoyed all being together. It was absolutely one of the best days of my life. I believe that open adoption is an incredible blessing when it works out this way. I feel like we got a two in one deal and I have not only a beautiful daughter, but a forever friend. We feel so much love and admiration for her and it makes us want to be even better parents for Paige.

Since those first meetings, we emailed at least weekly, and ended up texting a bunch too. It was hard if a few days went by without contact, it felt like there was a void. I began to feel like Meg Ryan in "You've Got Mail" and loved anytime I saw her name flash across my computer screen or my phone. For 6 months, we shared a common interest, the baby, as well as tons of personal facts, insights, goals, dreams, anything you could imagine. One particularly fun email exchange transpired as we came up with the name "Paige Ryann," a mix between our favorite and Olivia's favorite names. I had found the most perfect pen pal. I have over 60 pages of correspondence that will serve as a wonderful journal for  Mark and I, but also for Paige. It will be so awesome for her to read someday.

We usually met up at least once a month, we spent Mark's birthday together, a few more appointments, and were blessed to welcome Olivia into our home and see our lives first hand. She got to meet our family, our dog, our horses, and we ate at our favorite local joint. It was fun to share our lives with her and show her what things would be like for Paige. As the due date neared, Mark and I were wondering what things would be like at placement and after placement. Adoption isn't easy. Even though our experience had been so positive, there were no promises on how things would turn out. We knew that once that baby was born, things would become incredibly difficult. Adoption is emotionally draining and full of uncertainty. You are constantly on edge, evaluating every move, reading into what she says, what you say. That of course lessened a bit as things went on, but sometimes you can't help it. About a week before the birth, I received an email stating that after placement, Olivia would need time and space, and essentially wanted a closed adoption. While I understood this, I was really upset. I knew I would miss her. She had become a HUGE part of my life. I assumed that things would continue afterward. I understood why she felt that way, but it was still hard to hear. Mark and I told her we would support her in any way that we could and that we would always do what she needed us to do, no matter what that might be.

On Thursday the 12th, I got a call from Olivia. I was in the middle of a department meeting and was shocked to see my phone ringing--she isn't a caller but a texter, so I knew something was up. The original induction date was set for the 21st, unless she went on her own. I thought for sure she was calling to tell me she was in labor. I ran out to give her a call and she asked me what I was doing the following week. Silly girl, "My life revolves around you," I told her. She said they moved her induction date up to the 14th and we would have a baby on the 15th. I was floored, all the sudden it seemed so close and so real. We knew we had a baby coming, but now it was less than a week and I felt so unprepared. The days crept by and finally it was Tuesday and time to head down. She was being induced late, so we just wanted to get there early enough to wish her luck and give her our best wishes. The weather was terrible, and the agency decided they needed some things from us that day and wanted us to pick some things up, which they ended up not having when we got there....ugghh! It made us late and we had 5 minutes to give our well wishes. I didn't even have time to get her the flowers I wanted. We showed up empty handed, and she gave US a gift. Really?!?! Gosh, made me feel so terrible. She made wooden "P" for Paige's nursery, so cute and so sweet.

Her mom told us they would call in the morning to keep us updated, but they were planning on breaking her water at 9. I didn't sleep at all, and when I got a call at 9, she told us Olivia was dilated to a 5. She said she would let us know when things got closer. The next few hours were TORTURE. I thought she was progressing faster, it ended up being a raw deal and she was progressing fast until a nurse stopped her labor... long story, but yeah. Mark and I killed time at Temple Square and decided to eat lunch at the Lion House. My aunts happened to be working and their sweet boss treated us to lunch since it was our lucky day. Right after sitting down, I get a call to hurry fast, the baby was coming. Mark and I ran to our car, which almost killed Mark, it was a good thing we were going to the hospital. Mark's poor lungs aren't quite what they used to be. We got to the hospital and were put in an extra room, and waited. We had no idea what was going on, if she was here. Finally, her mom and close family friend came in and told us we had the most beautiful baby. It was really emotional. We all hugged, and I cried. It just seemed too good to be true. It was a crazy feeling. They told us Olivia needed some more time, but then we would be invited in. Walking down the hallway to meet our baby was surreal. We walked into the room and our two angels were there, together. Olivia asked if I wanted to hold Paige and I was scared. She was soooooo cute. It was love at first sight. Mark held her and said, "She is the most amazing thing I have ever seen." It was true!

We didn't stay too long, we didn't want to overstay our welcome and knew Olivia needed rest. We planned to bring her dinner later that night. It was so hard to burn those few hours, we couldn't wait to get back. We brought her dinner and had the best time visiting with some of the greatest people you could ever imagine, but only stayed about an hour. It was so hard to leave that night, and I couldn't help but think how hard it would be to "leave" permanently. My heart ached for Olivia and the thoughts she must be having. Later that night, we got a text that said they needed space and if it was ok, could we stand to wait until placement to come back to the hospital. This was different than the original plan. Once again, I understood, but it really didn't make it easier. Thursday was one of the hardest days of my life. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, and I had a million thoughts going through my head. I never want a day like that again! After a full day of uncertainty, I got a call from a social worker saying things were ok and placement would be Friday at 2. That was a good phone call.

Friday ended up being the hardest day ever. It was nerve wracking to know we would start out the day with the two of us, and end it with the three of us. It was still a little nerve wracking, but we got a call at 11:30 AM saying she had signed the papers. Once again, my heart ached for her. I prayed she would be comforted and that she was doing ok. When we got to the hospital to sign our papers, we could see how upset her mother and close friend were, and we knew we were in for a ride. Placement was the hardest thing I have ever done. I will never forget that moment. It was gut wrenching and so emotional. It didn't go as planned and was honestly terrible. We felt so happy, but so, so terrible. Bittersweet doesn't even begin to describe it. I hope Paige never ever doubts how much Olivia loves her, it was evident that there could not be a more loving mother. She loves Paige, so much she wanted to give her more than she could give. She wanted Paige to have a father in her life among other things, but I know this was a big one. Paige is one lucky little girl, there are A LOT of people out there that love Paige and look out for her daily. I was sad that things were this tough, especially knowing I wouldn't hear from Olivia and I wouldn't know if she was going to be ok. At that moment, I wasn't sure if she was going to be. After a rather ridiculous debriefing that was somehow supposed to help Mark and I know what we were doing, we were discharged and we made our way to our hotel---with a screaming, poopy, hungry newborn. We were thrown right into the fire--but we figured it out.

We spent the first night at a hotel, and the next few nights at my aunt's waiting for ICPC. It was so hard those first few days. We had promised to send daily updates to Olivia the first week, and I was nervous about the first one, hoping I had delivered what she had wanted. I got an email from her mom saying that maybe the semi-closed adoption wasn't what was wanted anymore and if it was ok, could we change that up? Olivia was hurting and needed to heal differently than originally planned. I was so glad and responded with a resounding YES! After a few days, I heard from Olivia, and let me tell you, I felt so much better. I needed to hear from her, I needed to know that while she wasn't ok yet, there was hope she would be. Mark and I had some guilt and felt incredibly bad. We love Paige, but we love Olivia too, and it isn't fun to know someone you love is hurting deeply. Like I said, there really isn't anything easy about adoption. It is beautiful and I am so grateful for our situation and things couldn't be better, but it hasn't made it easy. Mark left on Sunday to go back to work, and fortunately my mom and little brother were with me at this point. Getting ICPC passed was a great feeling, and knowing we would be together, as a family, home for Christmas, was the greatest feeling ever! We couldn't have asked for a better Christmas.

I invited Olivia to come up to visit and spend the day with us at Paige's newborn shoot. I once again realized how wonderfully blessed I was. Olivia is so special and being together, with Paige, was so perfect. I loved spending that day together, and documenting it forever with a wonderful photographer. It was a magical day! I am so grateful things are the way they are and that Olivia changed her mind. It has been better for all of us. And there you have it, that is our story in a nutshell. I know it is long and I am sorry if it bored you. I wanted it down for my own journal purposes, and someday for Paige. There are even more ins and outs, but at least the basics are there. Adoption is part of Heavenly Father's plan, and I have seen His hand in this from the beginning. We all know that Paige is where she is supposed to be, and I am so grateful for a courageous birthmom who turned a hard situation into a wonderful miracle. Birthmothers deserve so much respect and often do not get it. They are brave, loving, incredible women who make some heart-wrenching sacrifices because they love their children. What a selfless act! I will forever be indebted to my special angel. She gave us the greatest gift and did something for us we could not do for ourselves. Words really can't express what she means to us. She is our hero, she is Paige's hero, and Paige's guardian angel. Paige will always have two mother's who love her. She also has an amazing birth grandmother whose hands will not be forgotten in this process. Already this little girl has touched countless hearts, and hopefully her story will inspire others and help shed a positive light on adoption.

We have so much to be grateful for at the close of this year and the beginning of a new one. We have wonderful family and friends who have been with us every step of the way and have made this possible. Writing last year about 2009 being a cruddy year is just insane now. I never imagined on that post, wishing 2010 to bring progress into my life, that I would get so much progress in such a hard fought way. Be careful what you wish for right? But I wouldn't change a thing. I have never grown so much and adversity has its benefits. It is a wonderful teacher. The Lord sometimes asks much, but he gives so much more in return. His hand has been so evident in our lives, it is astounding. He is mindful of each one of us personally. I know that. The adventure is just beginning for us and we can't wait to see what else we have in store. It is hard to see Paige changing so fast, but like her birthmother said, she has a special mission in this life, and I can't wait to see her grow up and see what an incredible woman she is sure to become.

My little angel sleeping in her crib for the first time. She is a champ and actually loves it. Hurray!

New Pictures

I wish there was a faster way to upload pictures on the blog, we take a million and I don't put too many up on here. I can't believe how fast Paige is growing and changing. She was 7 lbs 6 oz at her appointment on Wednesday, and is on track with growing about an oz a day. It makes me so sad to think that things change so fast, but I have had to make a list of all the postive things that comes with her getting a little bit older. Sometimes I feel so bad for her, she has this rookie mom that usually has no idea and she is like the guinea pig as I try to figure out what I am doing. Hopefully if I just love her enough, she will forgive me for all my shortcomings!

Roxy thinks she is the nanny and is always close to the baby. She likes to lay in front of the cradle, and becomes very concerned when Paige cries. I wish she was more like Nana on Peter Pan and could help with the bottles and such, the extra set of hands would be nice on occassion! Roxy is getting away with a lot more since I feel so bad she is pretty much neglected with baby around.

Paige with her Christmas stash, which she could pretty much care less about at the moment.

Awwww, so sweet. Nothing like a sleeping newborn. Makes the awake, screaming newborn so worth it!

Her cute new hair bow from Aunt Kirsten, Uncle Max, and the boys. It is a little ladybug and so unique. I love it!

Trying to decide whether or not she likes the bouncer seat. She totally scratched her face and it looks liek she gave herself a black eye. Makes her mom feel terrible! She is so alert at times, and can't figure out what to do with herself. She must get bored or something and moments after this, she becomes rather unhappy.

So cute and tiny with Grandma Steiner

Getting a bottle from Daddy. Mark saves me. He is such an amazing husband and father and is so good to help, even at night, even when he knows he has work in the morning. I am constantly finding dishes are done, or laundry is put away. He finishes things I only had time to start. It is funny how much my love for him has grown seeing him as a dad.

Sneak Peak

Paige is asleep, and there are so many things that need to get done that in no way should I have opened up the computer to write! However, I am so full of emotion this morning and touched by the beautiful day that was yesterday. Yesterday was Paige's newborn shoot. It was something we have all been looking forward to since October. I had picked Katie to do our shoot and felt strongly about it. I wanted this to be special and while I have so many wonderful friends who happen to be great photographers, I was really drawn to Katie. Come to find out, Katie has a SERIOUS soft spot for adoption and ended up being just the right medicine for all of us. If you would like a sneak peak of our shoot....visit her blog at http://kwellsphotography.blogspot.com/ Brings tears to my eyes! I love my "sweet smile" Not so great at doing various kinds of smiling and closed mouth is pretty much not my forte, but look at the baby not me:) Really though, it just strikes the right cord and in a minute and thirty seconds kinda shouts to the world how this has felt and been for us.

I suppose I am going to have to share this adoption story in blocks, since it starts back at the first of the year. I won't have time to edit, I just need to spit it out, so ignore miss spelled words and bad grammar. Mark and I completed most of our paperwork in January/ first of February. We actually finished it all on a day that Mark stayed home sick from work with pneumonia.....ahem. Ya, pneumonia. Two days later we found out that dreams were dying. We immediately put adoption on the back burner and I took our adoption ticker off. Even though the dr said to keep going, it seemed insane to me. Once we got further along in treatment, Mark and I realized things would be ok, and we needed hope in our lives; something to look forward to. We quickly scheduled our last remaing step, our homestudy. Our worker visited us in April and from there, it took a long time for them to complete it. They must have been really busy. We started attending adoption classes in June, and finally we got notice we were officially ready to adopt and our profile was up on itsaboutlove.org. Mark started radiation and I was soon left to go to class alone, or with my mom.

About four weeks after being up and running, I was sitting in an adoption class with mom and the instructor was going through a bunch of legal stuff. It was really the unfun side of adoption, but they said two things that struck me. One had to do with questions we answered on our profile and how if we checked one particular box "no," it would limit our views by at least half. With thousands of family on the website, we needed all the views we could get and it was important to answer "yes" to this question. I couldn't even remember filling that part out, so I was nervous I had been an idiot and checked no. The other thing that stuck out was a lady saying that when she was matched with a birthmom, her profile was removed from the site, and was placed back up when requested after the adoption fell through. So seemingly unrelated....until that night. I was alone, Mark was in Utah getting treatment. It was late and I wanted to make sure I put "yes" on that question. I jumped on our website building site, and found out I had indeed put yes. Whew. I noticed a spelling error, and my ocd side wanted to change it. I went to change it, but I decided not to save my changes. It was a holiday week, and if you change your profile, you have to call the angency to reload it. I decided I would rather have the error than having my profile down for a whole week. I noticed for the first time a place where I could look at our profile statistics, like how many times it had been viewed. I was curious and it said a bunch of random facts like how many times our main page had been viewed, how many times our intro had been read, etc etc, and then there was a number of times our contact page had been viewed. All that page shows is an email, that is it, maybe one little couple picture. I noticed 17 people had looked at it. I thought it was strange that 17 people had gone out of their way to look at a boring page and no one had even contacted us to ask a question.

I took a bath, and freaked out mid tub, thinking that I had inadvertently taken off our profile with my "almost" spelling page, so I decided to check itsaboutlove.org to make sure it was there. I looked and sure enough, it was gone. I freaked! I knew I hadn't saved it so what the heck?!?! Where was it and how long had it been gone? I could find it on bluestep.net, but our profile was not up on the official website. I was so angry and made mental note to call the agency asap to ask what was wrong. I went to brush my teeth and thought, "wait, that lady said hers was not up when matched....no way!" I checked my email and there was nothing. I went to bed and stirred thinking....."wait, what email did I put on my contact page!?!?" I ran to the computer and looked at our profile info, sure enough I put my sweet cat high school, Robert Redford crush email. I hadn't checked it in MONTHS. Why did I put that one? Well, we couldn't have any identifying info and all our grown up accounts had portions of our names. I panicked thinking that email might not even work since I never check it. I signed in, putting every password in I ever had, the third one worked, and nothing was in my inbox. Shocker. Left, came back when I realized that my settings were on high security and an unknown sender would go to JUNK mail. Amid the swirling crap and solicitation, was a random "Couple Contact" email. I clicked on it, and couldn't see when it was sent or what it said until I moved it to my inbox. I was freaking, hoping that she hadn't sent it weeks earlier. The miracle? She had sent it the EXACT same time I was  in class learning about the legal jargon and how we needed to put "yes" on a certain question. What a coincidence....

The email was really short, just saying we were the only couple she had found that striked a cord. She was young, and delivering a baby in December. She had a good feeling about us and wanted to know more about us. That was it. I called Mark, it was the middle of the night and I woke him up. He thought something was wrong and I was so excited all I could spit out was "someone emailed us" which made little sense to his woken up brain. I read him the email and he was wide awake. He said I needed to email back. I said it was the middle of the night and that I didn't know what to say and wanted to ponder what to say back. A part of us thought it was a joke and prepared ourselves for a scam, or the fact she might not email back. We had been told in class that that happens more often than not. Mark said just to say thank you for looking at us and contacting us, what do you want specifically do you want to know? I sent it off and checked my email no less than 100 times the following day, which was a Thursday....before Pioneer Day. That afternoon, a very excited girl wrote back and said essentially, "I had been having the worst week and it culminated in the worst day, a day that I questioned why I was doing what I was doing. I was scared to contact you guys, but you were the only couple I felt anything about when I went through the profiles. I woke up today questioning things wondering how to get thru another day, and what a coincidence, I checked my email and had and email from you waiting for me.(gotta love those coincideces)  Let's get to know each other better. Before we get too deep, I to be honest with you, this will be a high risk adoption with no birthfather consent I hope that doesn't scare you off." I was floored and so happy and so not scared off! Until.....

I realized I needed to be completely honest with her and I had really big news that might scare her off. Our profile said nothing of Mark's cancer, we had done it before the diagnosis, and I didn't change it. I didn't want that to be the first thing people saw about us. I am sure it is a huge selling point, I figured if someone got to know us, then I would tell them. Or better yet, since they told us average wait time was 2 years, Mark would be healed by then. Blah, I had to tell her and be upfront and honest, after all, she was being honest and upfront with us. I quickly responded and assured her we were not scared and wanted to keep learning more about her. I then told her that Mark was currently undergoing treatment and we understood if that scared her off.

Waiting for her response was more painful than ever. We were damaged goods and who would want to place their baby with us knowing that risk? This amazing angel wrote back and said that made her love us all the more.She appreciated our honesty. She said she had a hard life and realized that trials make us stronger and shape us. She said she felt that this trial was making Mark and I better people. Seriously, a young teenage girl said that. Incredible! There was an instant connection through our emails, and while we were sort of scared in the beginning that it was too good to be true and might be a scam, we realized this girl was amazing and way too detailed and open to be weaving a web. We trusted her and we felt so good about her. At that point I was just excited to be on the ride.  We continued to correspond and soon set up a time to meet at the agency.....and that my friends is where this story must end for now. My special blessing is calling for me and yes, I didn't get a thing done:) Oh the joys!

Our Newest Miracle

I don't have the time and energy for the full story yet, but I am dying to let it all out there. I have said nothing on this blog about the adoption we have had in the works since July, because I wanted to protect the birthmother who is our very special angel. We are blessed to be so close to her and we have spent the last few months getting to know the incredible person that she is. Mark and I also didn't want to announce anything that wasn't a for sure thing. Well, things are for sure. So here is the big announcement I have been dying to make! Paige Ryann S______ was born December 15th, 2010. It was the greatest day and such a special moment. The anticipation was hard, but our hearts melted when we saw her for the first time. She is beautiful! Mark's first words were, "I have never seen anything so amazing." It was hard to keep the emotions in check. This year has been a rollercoaster, and here it was, culminating in a perfect Christmas miracle.

Paige was 7 lbs and 20 inches long. She came out fast, with a whole bunch of hair. She looked so pretty and perfect right away. She is waking up, but someday when I have more than 2 seconds, I will update you all on the incredible story that brought this little on into our home. This past week has certainly been a rollercoaster of emotions!

A Season of Miracles

I love, love, LOVE this time of year! Everyone does, but I still must profess how great the holidays really are. Christmas gets better every year. I think with age comes appreciation and maybe I feel like the true spirit of Christmas is more apparent because "things" aren't as important as they used to be. I was blessed to come from a grounded home where Christmas was so special and quite balanced. My parents were always careful to make sure Santa came, but that we understood it was Christ's birthday. Santa brought three presents, because that is all Jesus got (gold, frankincense, and myrrh) and it was HIS birthday. We lived in Utah at the time, so we always went to Temple Square and to a local production of The Christmas Carol. The first year we moved here, my parents surprised us by taking us out of school and back down to Utah so we could enjoy those traditions one more time. I love looking back on childhood memories. I used to think all the best Christmas's were those of Christmas past. I am seeing that the spirit of Christmas future can be, and will be just as bright.

Since it is rare to have the family together for Christmas anymore, I realize how special getting together as a family really is. Sam is coming this year for the holidays, and it is BJ's first Christmas back from the mission. It will be a wonderful holiday spent with most of our family together again. We will miss Max and his family, but we will find ways to connect with them as well. I feel like a kid again as I anxiously await for Christmas Eve and being together.

This holiday season, Mark and I feel overjoyed. I am starting to see that the Christmas spirit really does live all year round if we let it. This year can honestly be wrapped up as a year of Christmas. We have been loved, blessed, served, and comforted. We have seen evidence of angels and of miracles. We have felt the love of the Savior in our lives and know that he is mindful of us and loves us on a deeply personal level. We have felt the power of the atonement in many different ways. We have learned so much and have grown closer together. For the past two weeks, Mark has had a nagging cough, which is unsettling. That was one of Mark's first symptoms last year--and his wife told him to suck it up. This time around, I had a hard time convincing myself that a cold and cough are perfectly normal human ailments. Fortunately, Mark had his three month scan coming up, so we had an opportunity for peace of mind. As the scan drew near, I really psyched myself out and was really nervous. It is hard not having active treatment and trying to get back to normal life. There are times when February seems like a lifetime ago, but no matter how hard you try to compartmentalize the past, the reality that it did happen and the associated fear creeps in so easily.

I have been working on reading the Bible cover to cover. I am finally in the New Testament and was reading in St John the other night. Chapter 11 really struck me as I was struggling with my own insecurities. Mary and Martha send a message to the Savior that their brother Lazarus is sick. The apostles are anxious about going to help them because there are many people in that region angry with Jesus, and they fear that they, and the Savior will be stoned. Word comes that Lazarus has died, but Jesus still decides to make his journey back. The apostles once again voice their concerns about going, but Thomas boldy states, "Let us go, that we may die with him" (St John 11:16). I really never remembered this part of the story and I find it fascinating. Up until this year, the only thing I remembered about Thomas was his doubt. He goes down in history as Doubting Thomas. He is remembered for only believing that Christ is resurrected after seeing and feeling the prints in his hands and in his side. I, sadly, can be so much like Thomas. There are so many times when I feel strong and believing and ready for anything. How quickly that changes because I am afraid. I, like Peter, walk on water until I look around and see all there is to be afraid of, and rather than trusting, I sink. Fear overcomes me so easily--and with fear, there is an absence of faith. Leading up to this scan I was "of little faith."  Things have been going so great for Mark and I lately, that I just felt like we were on borrowed time and the world would crash beneath us at any time. As his scan came back not only clear, but "impressively clear,"  I felt such relief and happiness. I wasn't surprised, just grateful. Ashamed that I only believed after seeing, but still grateful that my unbelief was unfounded. The doctor showed us the CT scan from February 11th, and compared it to this most recent one. A seriously large, invasive, and life threatening was displayed on one side, on the other was just a small area of scar tissue to remind us of what once was. That is our miracle, shown to us by one our angels.

This Christmas season we have so much to be grateful for. We have our health back, we have a comfortable home, we have each other, we have friends, and we have family. My focus this year is not only on the Savior, but his wonderful mother, who also had to sacrifice so much. She knew that she bore the Christ and that his road was a perfect one, but not an easy one. She knew that someday, he would suffer for the rest of us. I also think a lot about Joseph--not a biological father, but an adoptive father. A father who loved a son and faced scrutiny for having a pregnant, espoused wife, but lovingly did the job he was asked to do. I loved the talk President Uchtdorf gave in the First Presidency Christmas devotional. My favorite part was when he described how joyous the heavens were that night, so much joy that it could not be contained in the heavens. The veil was parted and they sung praises to the shepherds. Amazing. The entire story is so beautiful! For me, this Christmas will be joyous, and  it will be hard to contain how I feel. 2010 is almost over, but there are still incredible blessings in store for us before it ends.