Families are Forever

Saturday, March 26th, we became an eternal family! I haven't got any of my pictures back, but as soon as I do, I will post them. Everyone says this day is incredible, and it didn't disappoint. I single handily ruined my wedding day. I was more than nervous. I wasn't a fun bride, nor was I a bride who imagined her wedding for years. The best way for me to describe my wedding day is this.....standing on a platform diving board kind of wanting to jump, but just looking down and thinking no way. Fortunately, I had a couple people behind me that just pretty much pushed me off. Don't get me wrong, I am continually grateful those people were there to push! 

Saturday felt like a second chance, an amazing re-enactment without any bells and whistles--just a chance to enjoy being in the temple as a family and with so many of our wonderful friends that I consider family. Even Mark's cancer doctor was there to celebrate with us. I remember wanting to throw in the towel when we found out Mark had cancer, and this doctor told us that we should push onward with our adoption. And here we were, coming full circle. It was special...beyond words! I was treated like a bride all over again, this time with no hesitation. I got to sit with my husband in the temple in peace and quiet, enjoying the spirit and anticipating our big moment. We were so blessed to have Paige's birthmother, Olivia, and her birth grandmother, Melissa, there with us. Melissa held Paige for the ceremony. I hope I never forget the moment she walked into the room with Paige. Paige looked like an angel! It took my breath away and brought some serious tears to my eyes. The hardest part of the day was leaving Olivia in the waiting room while the rest of us got ready. It felt like I was leaving her out or behind. I hope she knows she was in my heart! I made sure Paige wore her bracelet given to us by Olivia with the letter stating we were to be the parents. Whenever I saw that little wrist, it made me feel Olivia was right there with us. We also used the blanket Olivia wrapped her in at placement. I hope she knows these little things weren't by accident. I hope someday, we are worthy of receiving all the blessings promised and becoming an eternal family, and none of my loved ones are ever left behind! I want all of them right there with me.

Adoption is so hard, and there are so many different feelings and emotions that come along for the ride. One I wasn't expecting was guilt. I have had issues in the past and trying to get pregnant really exposed a lot of them and forced me to deal with them--but that wasn't easy and I can't say I conquered them all. For some reason, the option I was most comfortable and felt right was adoption, but I hoped I wasn't being selfish in taking that route. I doubt that makes sense, but it does to me. At the temple, I couldn't help but recognize the Lord's hand in my life during this process. It isn't by chance this all worked out this way. Olivia was the first to tell us that not only did she choose us, but Paige did as well. That helped reassure me that I was doing the right thing. Since Paige has entered into our lives, along with her wonderful birth family, it feels even more right. The temple solidified all that and I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to be a mother. It isn't easy, it is scary and overwhelming and I have so many weaknesses that I hope to improve and become a better mom, but I feel so blessed to have this chance and this baby girl!