So long '09

2009--I wish I could say I hated to see you go. The only thing that saddens me about leaving you behind, is how fast you went! I am another year older, and another year is down in the books with little to show for it. I know that blogs usually have some bragging, happy, larger than life moments; I am afraid this post probably won't be that uplifting for anyone. I suppose in these last few hours of 2009, I am feeling a little bit pessimistic and a little bit of a realist. Regardless, overall Mark and I are very blessed. We have each other, a home (for the most part haha), jobs (once again, for the most part), and our health (for the most part). Things are, overall, great. For me, life seems to be on cruise control, in Kansas, where nothing is happening, and if something does, it isn't the end of the world, but it isn't great either. Much like getting a flat tire, but knowing you have a spare. If you have never driven through Kansas and Oklahoma, do it, especially the western parts. It is amazing how much there isn't. Then, you will understand my life in 2009.

The year started off with never ending winter. Do any of you remember a summer? I teach soccer and some other sport classes at the college. I am just part time, so no, I am not a professor. It is a great job, unless it is Mayish--June and there is still snow and freezing temperatures. At 7:45 am, Idaho is cold no matter what month. When summer never comes, working outside has some disadvantages. Basically that is all I remember from the first half of the year, like I said Kansas.

Summer (in the loosest sense of the word) did eventually come. It is by far my favorite time of the year. Why? Because finally I get to do some of this:

And this:

Notice the various layers...summer really struggled. In its defense, I believe this is May. Now comes the flat tire. I feel that the hardest part about growing up is the realization that many of the things you dreamed about as a kid, are never going to happen. How many of us become astronauts, play college sports, or live in a dream house? Overall, that is ok. I decided I was too afraid to be an astronaut, too small to play college sports, and maybe I will live in my dream house someday. Right now, I can't even be a stay at home mom, my dream profession. I feel like very few things in my life have turned out they way I thought they would. One dream, however, actually happened. For as long as I could remember, all I ever wanted was to have a horse and be a cowgirl. I am far from being a cowgirl, but I did get a horse. Maude was a dream come true! I honestly can't believe that I picked out such a great horse. I knew nothing when I found her on the internet. I rode her a few times and I fell in love. Mostly, because I trusted her. When you know nothing, and you jump on a 1200 lb animal, trust becomes pretty important. I can remember the day I got her. It was pretty surreal. Bought all new tack and headed to Roberts. I visited her every day and we got to be pretty good friends. She was pretty much a basket case once in awhile, but even the bad times helped me to learn. Like the time she lost all her hair, no she wasn't dying, she had worms. Or when she would freak out trying to bridle her--because she had bugs in her ears. She taught me a lot about horse and riding; basically everything. She was a symbol to me that yeah, some dreams really do come true, not many, but some. Funny how even that can be messed up.

On June 30th, my horse followed Mark's horse out of the corrals, looking for water. We still don't know how they got out, but they didn't get far. We got a call in the middle of the night from the police and Mark rushed down. I knew I shouldn't go. Mark got down by Mother Hibbard's and a car had collided with my horse. The car won. Fortunately the driver was ok, Maude didn't make it long enough for Mark to get the vet there. I am really glad I didn't see it, but the mental pictures are bad enough. I feel like I didn't do a good job at keeping her safe. I often worry about my dogs getting hit by cars, but not my mare. That night really stunk. It hasn't gotten much easier. I am still horseless, and will be for awhile. We got suckered into buying this guy

and sold him for a loss after finding out he was basically unrideable. He was a big mistake that we will be "learning from" for awhile. Part of my summer of finding myself I did experiment with this:

I loved it but keeping up with the blonde roots got pretty old. So after the hair change and the horse dying, I decided to turn my focus to starting a family with more urgency. We have been trying for a long time to have kids with no luck. I thought I was basically at the adoption or invitro route. I switched doctors and Dr. Barton suggested we try a few more things. I was excited to have options again. I ended up having a few more tests done, all came back fine. After lab-ratting it, we decided to do IUI or artificial insemination. It was super fun (is that the word?) taking hormones, and doing various procedures, and finding out they all didn't work. I think 2009 went so fast because I counted days a lot. Weeks, days, months, yadda yadda. When you are always looking ahead to a certain day of your cycle, you miss out on many moments. Mark had surgery just to frost the cake. On a happy note, we have met our medical deductible times five. Too bad car insurance doesn't work that way... the car could use some surgery. And my stove, and my floors, and my windows. When it rains....it pours!

The months flew by and before I knew it, it was winter once again. For obvious reasons, my sports classes really take a dive in the winter. What I found out was that my classes were really cutting back this year, as in none. I won't be working again until April. That is fine, if I had any thing else to do. It is winter, I am not pregnant nor will I be, and I am at a huge standstill. It isn't a great feeling to see life pass you buy and to feel like everyone is progressing all around you. Mark is on the high council and loves his job. He progressed a lot in '09 as I watched. My future is lookin just as bleak. I could go back to school, but that costs money, money we need for an adoption, or in vitro, or physical therapy, or a house where it doesn't snow inside. I could focus on my hobbies, but they are all outdoor type stuff. I suppose I need to find some new hobbies and maybe volunteer somewhere. I should, and I plan on serving more, but at the end of the day, I can't help but think that my life is really not where I thought it would be. The hardest part is I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, and I am up! I do have a new calling, so I have something to push me. I know I shouldn't feel sorry for myself, but I do get down sometimes. It is hard to see so many others having families, having careers, and increasing their talents. I guess I have some work to do. I feel like I wasted 2009. I have no one to blame but myself for that. Hopefully I can make something out of 2010. I know I need to make the most out of everyday, but that is hard when it feels like nothing you do works out. I need more faith that someone has plan for me and that He knows better than I do. My new year resolution...be more proactive in 2010. I don't want another year to pass me by. I am sick of feeling stuck!

Sorry for the really long blog, if any of you made it to the end....congratulations! The sad thing is it really did sum up an entire year, and it wasn't THAT long. If any of you wishes you had some help, I am ready to serve someone else. Let me know what I can do for you. I am grateful that I have a chance to journal once in awhile, at the expense of all of you:) I am still blessed and still grateful. I have this

and this

I have family, friends, and a testimony. I guess at the end of the day, that is all you really need.