Saying Goodbye to Insecurities

We all have our insecurities, and if someone ever points them out to us, it sticks with us for a long time. One day during high school seminary, a girl (not me) told Mark his head looked like an odd shaped grape. I am sure that she didn't think twice about it, and we all say things like that. Little did she know that that comment would stick with Mark forever. I have had to live married life constantly consoling Mark that his head wasn't deformed and that I didn't think it resembled fruit. He was so worried that one day, when he was a little older than 27, he would go bald and the world would see how ugly his head was. I know when he learned he was going to lose his hair, he was scared and self-conscious.

I dreaded the day his hair would start to fall out. It was easy to ignore the cancer when Mark looked the same and felt good. The idea of him being bald meant that everytime I looked at him, I would know he was sick. I couldn't pretend anymore that things were just fine. I am not going to lie, after hearing about his head for a few years, he got me a little nervous about that too. Starting Thursday night, every time Mark scratched his head, a few hairs would come out. It started rubbing off on everything, and while he still had most of it, it was depressing and uncomfortable. Today, we decided to just get rid of it. His spinal headache came back, and our wonderful friend down the road offered to not only shave his head, but give it a massage to try to help the headache. Mark said it felt wonderful! We waited with baited breath, wondering what we would find when all the hair was gone....lumps, moles, divets, seeds, grapes, small children? Here is the before picture, notice his cheeks are starting to get a little bit round from the steroids.

Uncovering the monster....

And the moment we have all been waiting for.....the big reveal!

I think we were all pleasantly surprised, he doesn't look like a grape at all! I think he has a cute head. We kind of want to hunt down that girl and show her she didn't know what she was talking about. He doesn't even have a weird mole. There is a huge red spot where a lymphoma used to be; that's a little interesting but overall Mark is loving it. He is much more comfortable. He did say it was a little colder outside than it used to be. He is beginning to agree with those that have told him hair is overrated! Mark is hoping that his buds shave their heads in support. (i.e Weston, Braxton, Coy).

"We are grateful that today is over"

That is a short segment from Mark's prayer tonight. It pretty much sums up what today was like. Today was one of those reality days, when you realize that he really is sick, and this really isn't a walk in the park. It was rough. We spent the entire day getting chemo. 9:30-6:30 straight, no breaks. Mark is very sensitive to the first drug, Rituxan. They have to infuse it very slowly, that was compounded by the fact we were having complications from his "back poke." As time goes on, this process will get shorter. Mark started the day with the lumbar puncture, and it didn't go so well. It took two tries before it worked. The spaces in between his vertebrae are small, so it made the process difficult. Next time, the best area for access will be mapped a little better so it won't be as bad. It hurt him today, I thought he was going to pass out on me. He hung in there, but later developed a spinal headache that was severe. Since the odds of getting a spinal headache from the lumbar aren't good, they weren't sure if it was the Rituxan causing the headache, so they slowed it down, even stopped it for awhile. Our nurse told us this is the first time in ten years she has seen someone in his scenario get a spinal headache. That Mark, he seems to be drawing all the lucky cards this week. He spent most of the day completely flat, it was the only way to relieve his head.  We had an incredible nurse who made our many hours very comfortable. We love our medical staff! Even the ones with large harpoon needles. Our highlight of the day? We made it into the cool kids club. Dr Hancock teased us about our lack of acceptance initially, but we kept our heads held high. We are in! Mark and I are loving our new Ironman bracelets.

Despite all the drama, his appetite was still raging and he ate more calories than any human should probably ingest in one day. He has only gained 4 lbs back of the 10 lbs he lost. Shocking really, considering his new diet. I am sure it will start showing up here soon. If not, life really isn't fair. I wouldn't mind eating that way once in awhile! The night ended with a bang as he pulled out a few clumps of hair. It is only a matter of time. Mark was in good spirits throughout it all, especially tonight. His headache lightened up and he was able to sit and visit with his good friend all evening. They were still up and having a good time when I got home late. All in all, we really are grateful that today is over. 2 cycles down, 6 to go.

Mark pre-headache

Mark mid-headache

Luck

I never considered myself to be lucky. The only thing I have ever won was a Berenstein Bear book during a Bronco Booty drawing in the first grade. I pretty much thought it was the best day ever. I got to leave class, go to the office, pick up my prize, and learn about strangers from Brother and Sister Bear. My little brother on the other hand, won a car in high school. Yes, that would be my life. Bought a new car, it got hit less than a week later. Both of our horses got out, but Mark's crossed the road safely. I won't bore you with the entire list. Mark, on the other hand, didn't seem to have luck at all. Good or bad. Most everything he has, he has gained through hard work. His life used to be quite boring. Oh boring, I miss you! The only sure thing about luck is that it changes sooner or later. For us, it seems to be sooner.

If you look back at one of my earlier posts, I mentioned a CT scan Mark had done the second day he was in the hospital. The scan went well overall, nothing too serious.  There was a benign looking blemish in his kidney, and a lesion on his hip bone. The lesion was EXACTLY where Dr. Hancock took the bone marrow biopsy, so it seemed too coincidental that the one lesion that showed up happened to be the one place biopsied. Literally, there was a one in a million chance that Mark's bone marrow biopsy would come back positive. We felt assured, and put it out of our minds. Fast forward about two weeks, and as luck would have it, Dr. Hancock indeed took a biopsy of the one lesion Mark had. Yes, Mark's biopsy came back positive. GRRRRRR.

Before I could get too down on our luck, our amazing doctor put it into a new perspective for us. Had he taken the biopsy from Mark's right hip, the results would not have been the same. We would not have had  the entire picture or location of the cancer. Mark would have done 6 cycles and we would have called it good. Sometime later, the cancer would have come back. Honestly, I can't think of anything more depressing than thinking you were done, only to have it come back later. We want this gone--for good. So, this does change Mark's treatment plan. His cancer went from a stage 2B to a stage 4B. We have learned the numbers don't matter much, just Mark's response to treatment. Since his cancer is  fast growing, it also responds quickly and correctly to chemo. That doesn't change with the new development. However, we jumped immediately to 8 cycles. Mark will also receive chemo directly into his spinal fluid affectionately known as a 'back poke". He will get this each time he goes in for his regular chemo treatments. With good advice and reasoning from the doctor, these lumbar punctures will make sure the chemo gets into the central nervous system, a sneaky place where sneaky cancer cells like to lurk undetected, only to manifest themselves at a later date. The bone marrow bridges a nice pathway for cancer cells to infect the central nervous system, even though Mark's initial spinal fluid test came back negative. As I said before, we would rather go overboard and be sure we sought out and killed every possible cell, than leave some of them hanging around to haunt us later.

I told Mark we should think about buying a lottery ticket tonight since we seemed to be the "one' in the one in a million chance. I guess this luck thing has two sides. It is bad that Mark's cancer is further reaching, but how lucky are we that Dr. Hancock biopsied the EXACT location of the lesion? How lucky are we that we caught it now rather than later? How lucky are we that we have a great clinic here in the sticks with amazing physicians and staff? How lucky are we that we are surrounded by amazing family and friends? I won't consider us cursed with bad luck quite yet. In fact, each day Mark and I realize more and more that there isn't much luck in life at all. I remember when I was little, I used to think how lucky that Samuel the Lamanite guy was that not one of those arrows hit him...I missed the boat on that one for awhile (this was around the same time that I thought  "By this 'shalmenno' --ye are my disciples " was some special one word scripture phrase and the coolest part of the song.) Heavenly Father is pretty mindful of us and miracles happen everyday.

Speaking of amazing friends and miracles, we had few brighten our day. One woman, who is struggling with infertility and just got back from her second round of invitro, brought us an amazing care package. How thoughtful considering she has enough on her plate. We also had some special visitors, whom we love, bring both Mark and I our own packages. Don't tell Mark, mine is totally cooler, but his IS special. How many people can say they have a personalized throw-up bucket complete with a handle.

As you can see, the inside even has instructions. I am considering putting a similar message in the bottom of the toilet.  My favorite part was the liter measurements on the side. If Mark starts hitting those numbers, we might be in big trouble. There are even perfect little bags we can use to line the bucket. How clever is that? We hope he doesn't have to use it too much. We will see how this second round goes.

On a completely random note, when I went to get the mail yesterday, I heard some commotion behind me. When I turned around this is what I saw:

That would be my totally cute dog wondering when I was going to come and let her out of her kennel. The snow falls off the roof and piles up so she can reach. She usually isn't tall enough to peek over like that. It made me laugh just a little. I wish more people got that excited to see me. If Mandi had a dog as cool as mine, she wouldn't hate them so bad:) AND she would let it sleep in the laundry room if it was super cold and had arthritis. Mandi, I am just sayin!

Who Doesn't Like a Makeover??

Today, once again, was a pretty normal day. Mark spent most of it at work. He just woke up from his post-work nap, ate some ice cream, and groaned to see that ice dancing was the highlight of the olympic night. But, for me, today was totally exciting!

How cute is this blog?!? I feel like I was treated to a day at the spa. My good 10th Ward, high school pal Kassie totally hooked me up. I have faithfully blog stalked her for years. Her blog is always amazingly cute and she gets to live in a nice warm place. I am jealous of her in many ways:) I am glad that she counts me as one of her friends. She does great digital scrapbooking and blog designs. She is very talented and has extended her work to all sorts of things, invites, cards, the works! As you can see, she is incredible. I was so excited that we were able to hook up. My blog was a little sad before, which was fine with the ten people that knew about it and read it. I have noticed a few more people have been stopping by, and I was starting to get a little embarassed. I am still figuring out this computer thing, and I was impressed I was able to blog at all. Kassie takes blogging to a whole new level. It felt like Christmas, I couldn't wait to see what she came up with. I gave her a photo, some color options, and away she went! I didn't have to do a thing. Finally, the wait was over and I couldn't have imagined a better result. Thanks Kassie! It is amazing and seriously made my day! Mark also gives his stamp of approval:) If you want a cute header, background, ANYTHING check out Kassie's blog:  http://designsbykassie.blogspot.com/

We have appointments Wednesday and Thursday this week. Wednesday is just a visit to talk about the treatment plan and get a few questions answered. They called Mark today and asked if we would come in to talk to Dr Hancock, but that it was nothing to be alarmed about. I am sure that is true--but I still feel slightly alarmed haha. Thursday is really the big day, but I am sure it too will be fine. We are excited to get the royal treatment from the nurses at the office. We have heard nothing but good things about them. Once again, thank you to everyone who continues to read and send comments our way. We look forward to them and read them together everyday. We continue to gain strength from all of you. God bless you all!

Rekindling Hope

Sorry it's been a few days, but there really wasn't much to say. Mark has felt better than he has in weeks. I have been trying to figure out if Mark is a kid, an elderly person, or a pregnant woman. I am beginning to think he might pregnant. It is great someone at our house can relate to that situation. If any of you have been pregnant, or have taken care of a pregnant woman, then you know what it has been like living with Mark the last few days. He is tired, has morning sickness, has strange cravings, and a serious case of the munchies. He woke up in the middle of the night craving Eggo waffles; he hasn't had some of those since he was a kid.

Saturday, Mark woke up and had a strong desire to play with a puppy. Strange I know, but since I love puppies, I was an easy sale. He decided he wanted a puppy and he wanted to name it Chemo. Since we already have a dog, I told him we couldn't have two, but someday when I get a new horse I promised him I would name it Chemo. Mark thought it was perfect, since some days we would love and appreciate it, and other days we would feel like beating it with a stick. We went to Sportsman's Warehouse and as luck would have it, the parking lot was seething with adorable puppies. After getting our fix, Mark ate all the chips and salsa Garcia's felt like bringing out. It was a fun day out. Since he has treatment this coming Thursday, we felt we better make this weekend a good one, next one might not be as fun.

Tonight, I have decided to repost our adoption ticker. The Thursday Mark was diagnosed, I took it off and kissed that dream goodbye. I felt that was one thing we would never be able to do. It was so hard since we are so close to getting our home study done. The doctor told us we still needed to go on with life as planned, but I could not see how that would work. I was so upset and emailed our caseworker the next day to tell him our plans had changed. Our caseworker said the same thing, and told us that with a note from the oncologist we could move ahead. I decided to put it out of my mind; it was too depressing. During church, I couldn't help but think I was making a mistake.  After all, we had already paid our fees, and the study is good for a year. Who knows where we might be in a few months?  Once you have a study done, it is much cheaper to update it as needed rather than starting all over. I figure we might as well finish it and see what else the Lord might have in store for us.

I submitted our profile and paperwork online tonight. It was already done, just waiting for me to click send. I was scared to do it. Mark and I went from being great candidates to "damaged" goods pretty quickly. Initially, we figured nobody would want to place a child with us anymore. After deciding today to go ahead with it, a new thought came to mind. Perhaps some might be wary, but rather than being "damaged," Mark and I feel like this will only make us stronger in the end. With the right attitudes, we will be better off because of this trial. I suppose, if we let it, it could tear us down, make us bitter, and angry. Hopefully we make the right choices and come out on top. So far so good. That ticker might be on longer, it might count higher, but someday, we still hope it happens.

One Week Later

It is strange to think that one week ago today I was an emotional wreck. Today I am feeling too blessed to be as angry as I was that night. After the initial shock, Mark and I have felt so positive and so grateful. The young women in our ward are working on reading the Book of Mormon all the way through so that they can earn a trip to the General Young Women's meeting in March. I just got put in, so I have a long ways to go, so I only just got through Mosiah a week or two ago.  I love Mosiah 24, and I couldn't have read it at a better time.  It is about Alma and his people who are suffering through bondage at the hands of Amulon. The Lord promised that he would ease their burdens so that they might later stand as witnesses that the Lord does visit his people in their afflictions.

In verse 15 it reads, "yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheefully and with patience to all the will of the Lord." I am not there yet, but I do feel like the Lord has blessed Mark and I with peace of mind and strength. I don't know how patient I am, and I am not grateful for this trial completely yet, nor am I always cheerful about it,  but I do feel blessed. I do feel like I can testify that yes, the Lord does visit us in our afflictions!

Tonight was a night where we totally did feel cheerful. One of the great blessings of this trial are the relationships Mark and I have been able to start, develop, and the ability to strengthen existing ones. We love people! This world is full of amazing people. We had such a great time at dinner with a sweet family and a very strong little boy. Mark and Jace seem to be kindred spirits and share many things in common, one being their love for baseball. Mark and his family are avid Boston fans, so we decided we wanted to give something to Jace to help forge a link and a friendship, start a new relationship. When Jace walked in and saw Mark in his Red Sox coat, he told us it was his favorite team too. I think Mark was relieved he didn't say Yankees! I hope they don't mind me posting these, I forgot to ask, but they are just too darn cute and I can't help myself. Have you ever seen such handsome boys? They almost look like an advertisement for the majors. I told Jace he was ready to hit spring training!

"Normal"

All in all, today felt pretty normal. Mark felt good and even put a few hours in at work. Oddly enough, that was harder on me than him. For the first time in a week, I was alone. I sat on the couch and thought, "Hmm, now what. Maybe I can watch a show that Mark hates." I couldn't relax, I was worried Mark would get to work and not feel well. Since I had purged the house on Monday, I didn't have much to do to keep my mind and hands busy (with that being said, I am not looking for something to do, especially if it is something bad, so know that it was ok to be bored for a minute, don't assign me anything:)). My mind slowly drifted down the path of feeling sorry for myself, so I livened the mood with various songs, including the theme from Schindler's List. Sitting in my melancholy mood, feeling slightly alone, and a little guilty that the person with cancer was being more productive, I thought of something my wise little brother wrote to me on Tuesday. He told me that his favorite part of the Gospel is the knowledge we never have to face anything alone, not ever. Even when we think we are, we are not. The Savior was the only person that ever had to face a trial truly alone, and he did it so we would never have to know how it felt. Pretty insightful for a kid I like to call Chubbs. I guess he has grown up on the mission even more than I thought. I hate admiting this considering we have been blessed by a tremendous outpouring, but once in a while, when things get quiet, fear has a way of creeping in. It doesn't last long.

On a happier note, I learned something today. First and foremost, another embarassing confession. My family will laugh because they already know this, but despite my "tomboy" exterior, I am a total drama queen. I guess it is one feminine quality that I have always embraced and will probably continue to do so. I have always loved a good romance, a chick flick, a great story. Since Valentine's was a wash, I am now reflecting on love on Ash Wednesday. Bet most of you didn't know it was Ash Wednesday. My grandpa told me it was, so it must be true. Anyway, back to the good part, the drama-- I always wanted a really exciting love life, movie worthy. If you know Mark, he is no Casanova, (sorry babe) but he has plenty of other endearing qualities. When we were trying to decide whether or not to get married, I struggled. I am not a decisive person and I hate to admit this, but I was slightly disappointed that nothing incredibly romantic happened. No songs, no dances, no fireworks, just a good guy. I was so afraid of the eternal commitment and my dad really helped me to realize what love is all about. He told me a million times that I needed to be more selfless. I needed to serve Mark. If I was feeling rotten, I needed to make sure I did some sort of service for Mark, even if it was small. Even after I was married, if I struggled with a marital problem, this was the answer I got. It wasn't always the answer I wanted to hear. This was not as fun as picturing Mark chasing after my car after I stormed out in a huff.

The longer we are married, the more I understand the work and effort it takes to build an eternal marriage. It doesn't just happen. Love's magic comes more often through choice than actual "magic." A lot like happiness. I have listened to my dad's advice and tried to put it to good use. It has come apparent to me in the last few days how much I love Mark. A lot of it has to do with the fact we care more about the well being of each other and are mindful of each other. We aren't the most lovey dovey people, especially in public, but we rarely fight and we always say that we love each other before we part or got to bed. Today, I was packing a lunch for Mark, it made me feel like my mom. She packs a lunch everyday for my dad, isn't that romantic? Anyway, I was making Mark a sandwich to take to work. He was getting some stuff together and he said, "I know you love me." I thought he said, "I love you" so I said "Love you too." He corrected me and said, "No, that isn't what I said. I said I know you love me." He took his lunch and left. I thought about that all day, and I realized that meant more to me then anything else he could have said or done. It was an interesting thing for him to say. I am grateful that Mark knows that I love him. I am grateful he knows that I will happily disinfect the house, remind him to double flush the toilet and sanitize his hands, and that I will happily take care of his throw-up bucket. I don't mind it at all because I love him, and he would do the same for me. Now, if that isn't romantic I don't know what is!