"I Can Do Hard Things"

I have had the blues lately--and it's been frustrating because I know I shouldn't have them. I am SO blessed and have SO many joys in my life, so why get down? I don't know if the "lovely" weather has been the culprit, or perhaps the many things that Mark seems to be up to while my days seem mundane. There have been moments where I have wanted to throw a bit of a pity party for myself, but Paige will have none of it. She is pretty good at bringing a smile to my face, even briefly to remind me of my blessings. This past week, I have tried harder to be of service to others. I have to say--it really did help! I still had some lows, but I also was able to see things clearly and I learned a little bit.

For no good reason, I am an avid "16 and Pregnant" and "Teen Mom" watcher. For the most part, these shows grate the insides of my very soul. I have violent tendencies towards the TV and the people in these stories. I want to seriously shake sense right into them! Most of the time, adoption is hardly mentioned in these episodes, and except for a slim few, it is never the chosen path. The past two weeks, 15 year olds have chosen to parent their children, convincing themselves that they can do it, their boyfriends are amazing, and you don't "give away blood." Last episode, the boyfriend's mother gave a fabulous sermon about not abandoning family--then telling her 15 year old that he needed to come right home after school because he was spending too much time away from home to be with his pregnant girlfriend. When the baby came, teen mom was frustrated that teen dad didn't support them financially, got to stay in high school, and he didn't want to help take care of the baby (umm he is 15, can't drive, can't work, and did I mention he is 15?). She cried and screamed about it not being fair that she had to sacrifice so much and take care of the baby while he lived a normal life. There are seriously so many maddening moments, but what resonated with me was her continual pleas about life not being fair.

Therein lies my lesson. I find it is easy for me to say life isn't fair, sadly, I am blessed and I have probably wound up on the fair side more than the unfair side. This isn't a new lesson, but I guess this week a light shone on it in a new way. Life is hard. It just is. Bad things happen every single day. Crime, disasters, economic instability, failed relationships, health problems, infertility, and the list goes on. As the search begins for a presidential candidate, people are looking for a superhero who is somehow going to make life fair and make it easier for all of us--take away all the hard, uncertain trials we face. That is a whole different type of post, but what I am trying to get at is that maybe we should all just accept the fact that life is hard--and find it as another challenge to the human spirit and rise above it. How many other things in our life do we choose to do voluntarily precisely because it IS hard? No one ever climbs a mountain because it's easy, or run a long distance race because it's a cinch. No one plays sports because they are simple and we all can do them the best. They are fun because they are challenging, they push us! We all watch professional and collegiate sports because we aren't good enough to be there ourselves, that's the point! Exercising, eating right, having amazing skin, hair etc, all those things are hard, take time, and consistency. When we see the model on the cover of the magazine we are in awe of her amazing body--well she does hard things! Every time I see a magazine cover of a beautiful celebrity, I think "Wow, I wish I looked like her," but not really, because I pretty much like to eat frosting out of the container and she eats fish. She has to eat fish. The day she doesn't, some camera will capture her looking bloated, swimming the ocean. Can you imagine the daily pressure they have just to look good? Enormous and sad, consider what a shallow pressure that is. How much time do they waste just to look good? That is their job--what a sad job! And any imperfections they do have are airbrushed away, a luxury many of us don't have.  Really, ANYTHING worth doing is hard. The gospel is hard, cultivating a talent is hard, thinking of others more than ourselves is hard. At what point did we decide it should have all been easy and since it isn't, we are just going to gripe about it being hard? I look at Paige cutting teeth, and guess what..it is hard for her! Even something as natural and as good as cutting teeth is hard, but I bet someday she is glad she has them. Would we really want everything to be easy? Where's the growth?

I guess the moral of this very long post is just for me. I needed to remind myself that all things worth doing and having are only obtained by enduring hard things, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. Instead of getting down about it, the sooner I accept it, the sooner I can change my attitude and work towards overcoming them and being a better person. Stop deluding myself into thinking that whatever it is I am looking for will come easily--whether it is my marriage, being a good mom, being healthy, growing my testimony. All these things will be hard, but they will be worth it.

5 Months

I suppose since Paige is almost six months, I better get a five month post in here. Paige is my cute, tiny lil bug.She still sports 0-3 month clothing, especially pants. I have been able to break her into some 3-6 month shirts and jammies, but the pants are waayyy to big, even leggings. Paige will smile and laugh but she is mostly just content. Never super smiley and crazy, but never super upset either. There are exceptions, but overall she is mild and easy going--content to observe. She breaks into a smile whenever she wakes up, sees her daddy, and she loves Roxy. Roxy apparently is the clown of the house. Paige eats rice cereal like a champ at 5 months, started oatmeal a few weeks later. I tried introducing peas and green beans, but she adamently refuses anything green. I can't say I blame her there--I am not known as an excellent vegetable eater either.

Paige shows interest in rolling over and can get on her side, but she can't quite make it all the way over. It is always back to front when she tries. She finally enjoys tummy time, but screams when she is ready to be done. She recently has been able to sit a bit on her own. She now wants mom to sit her upright and keep her there rather than laying on the ground with her toys. It allows mom no time to get things done since she must keep one leg behind Paige to balance her. Paige loves the jogging stroller and recently took down a 5.5 mile run. Afterwards she was exhausted and took a 3 hr nap; that stroller riding is hard work. My perfectly healthy baby has her first snotty nose, courtesy of me. Drats! Hopefully it doesn't get too bad. She is also teething which hasn't been too fun for either of us.

Her special friend Mandi recently showed her a few new ways to deal with her comb over, we will have to take a picture. Paige has an awesome bald spot in back, super long hair on top, and white fluffy down coming in all over. It is quite the style. She likes to read books but has the attention span of a 5 month old.

Yes--she is sad, but I love the lip she sticks out when she gets upset.

First time sitting on her own.

First time on the horse. She is a natural and will be a better cowgirl than I ever could be.

Insignificant Findings

As I was looking over my blog the other day, I was noticing my formatting or lack there of. I am not a fan of indenting my paragraphs apparently. I figure it is a gift I even separate them out anymore. I will get writing and notice I have one big paragraph....a big no-no! I go back and enter spaces. But, it reminded me of an assignment I did in third grade--which reminded me of many such assignments I had in elementary school that caused much grief and were graded with no mercy. Most of these lessons seemingly had no purpose, some I can find a slight purpose. Mostly I have found that despite the crazy amounts of importance my teachers placed on them, I have little use for them. I am not saying it wasn't good I learned these things, but being the ever perfectionist, I struggled with these assignments and the poor marks received were devastating. I loathed going to school and failing in these areas. Scarred me for life--tears over these lessons, first memories of stress. And where are they now?

1. The amazing letter writing assignment. Write a letter to an aunt. Easy enough? Oh no. Spaces were counted, commas were a must after greetings, space, indent 5 fingers, begin writing (pencil and paper mind you), extend salutations in the first paragraph. Space, indent 5 fingers, write about you. Space, space, indent lots of indents, sincerely (spell that write or minus some points), space, lots more indents, your name. And then to addressing the envelope perfectly and no, it wasn't ok to put the zip code on its own line, it went directly after the state. I was in third grade and really had a whole lot to tell my aunt....

Why it doesn't matter---first, if I wrote to my aunt she would be thrilled with whatever because who just writes to their aunt anymore? Plus, now there is such a thing as email, Facebook, and texting. Sadly, the art of letter writing is just dead.

2. Cursive writing complete with the ruler below making sure my line is perfectly spaced and that the words are perfectly spaced apart. Second grade. Mrs. Westenskow. The meanest teacher ever that all my friends' parents let them switch out of, but I needed the growing experience of having a mean teacher.

Why it doesn't matter--I get the straight line thing, but word spacing? As long as there is a space, does it matter if it has an exact measurement? Does the other person reading my paper have a ruler seeing if all the spaces between the words are a perfect 3.5 millimeters or whatever it was? Not to mention I ditched writing in cursive and left it where it belongs, in the second grade. I suppose it gave me the ability to read my dad's writing, which is in cursive so it wasn't a complete loss.

3. Still second grade....the agenda. I pretty much thought "agenda" was the coolest word. Had never heard it before. Essentially, it was a piece of paper hung on the bulletin board that we could write our second grade concerns on. Then, once a week, we would have a class meeting and discuss the agenda. How I wish I had these meetings recorded. I am sure the issues were pretty serious. So 'n so always gets the big recess ball. So 'n so made fun of so 'n so. Really though, it is one of my good memories of second grade. Gave us a reason to talk about each other, poke at people and find minor problems with everything they did, and then gossip about what was on the agenda and what would happen in the meeting. Can I blame all these terrible habits on second grade?

4. Third grade fractions. Death. Tears. Dad saved me and spent many a night helping me understand them and that 1/3 of a pie is bigger than 1/4 despite 4 is bigger than 3. I am still nervous that in posting that, I am not right. Add mixed numerals to that and I was pretty lost. First "F" in a math assignment.

5. "Time" lesson in 4th grade. If you get paid 1.50 an hour, and you babysit for 3.5 hours, how much do you make. (I say definitely not enough to make babysitting worth it, but apparently that isn't the right answer) Or the dreaded 76 minutes is how many hours and how much would you get paid for that. This was a good, useful lesson, I just repeated this mini math class a few times. The story problems made no sense. I guess I was glad people paid me to babysit first of all, second of all, who says it is 1:07 anyway? Round people!

6. Roman numerals ummmm, good for the Super Bowl?!?

7. Proofs in geometry. This wasn't even elementary school. I seriously hated these and thought I wasn't going to pass 9th grade math. But honestly who cares how we solved the problem and with what theory if the problem gets solved?

Here is a list of random memories that just made me smile:
1. Being jealous of kids that got fluoride treatments in kindergarten in awesome little cups. I was never signed up for those.

2. Lunch tickets. Plastic, business card sized, with cool big black designs that I realize now must have been a barcode and the typical lunch lady that inserted them into a square, green whatever and if it beeped and the light was green, I could get a rib-b-q.

3. Fake crying at recess so my friends could get the recess duty to come over. Didn't bode well for me. She was even cool. If you told her it was your birthday you got a hand stamp. Cruel joke...crueler that I managed to have multiple birthdays in one year for a hand stamp and somehow didn't consider the fact I was lying---for a hand stamp!

4. Winning a Berenstein Bear book in 1st grade, still the only thing I have ever won in a drawing.

5. Losing to Davia King every year on field day, only to lose to Paige Bushnell when I finally beat Davia King. Darn second place.

6. The smell of that white stuff they put on throw up--doesn't make me smile, just memorable.

7. PUMPED when there wasn't enough guys for the 4th grade square dance performance so I was asked to dance a guys part. Sad, I know, but for anyone that knows me, I'm a tomboy, and let's face it, in 4th grade, I just wanted to be a boy.

8. Equally pumped that in 3rd grade I was part of the special group that got to dance disco in the end of the school year production. Jealous I wasn't part of the Von Trap Family, but glad I wasn't one of the million rejects that had to sing in the New York, New York number.

9. Moving to Rexburg where they had middle school so I could brag to all my friends that they would start 5th grade in elementary school, but I would be in middle school. Forgetting really that 5th grade is 5th grade no matter where it is. Unfortunately bragging was premature when I found out that my new 5th grade would incorporate the following
       1. Mrs. Miller
       2. Cubicles so we couldn't see anything but our desks
       3. A gum shrine in Mrs. Allen's class
 On the up side....
      1. Sucker chips from a local candy factory
      2. A rat named Chocolate Chip (not all were fans)
      3. Pogs--'nough said.
      4. My first crush, and might I say long lasting since I crushed on him all through high school.
      5. My first boyfriend who gave me a Goosebumps book for Valentines, who I later dumped so I could  go out with my first crush over the summer, essentially meaning we never spoke or saw each other, only to be dumped right before 6th grade.


Enough memories for now, but I would love to hear yours! Any lessons never to be forgotten? Any fun memories?

4 months

I can't believe my baby is 4 months old! Especially since I thought it would be warm by now, but I think winter wants to stick around. All right, it is a little warmer, but I am SICK of the wind. Paige needs to go outside! She acts like she is melting and in severe pain everytime we step out of the house. This must be fixed, I love being outside. Paige finally tolerates some tummy time, she doesn't love it, but will do it for a minute.

She LOVES this. This was the best 20 bucks ever spent. She rotates which toys are her favorites, but seriously happy sounds come from underneath this contraption.

Yes, I know this isn't a healthy choice, but she was seriously drooling watching the rest of us, so I was curious to see what she would do if she had the chance. Paige was pretty excited about licking the licorice, and she wants her teeth so she can actually eat it next time. She has a sweettooth just like every woman in her life.

Proud of her find.

Wondering if she will get in trouble if she eats it.

Last Sunday we were able to bless Paige. Mark gave a wonderful blessing. The dress is quite slick, and he was pretty relieved she didn't fall during it. Paige was extremely naugthy before and after, church happens to be smack in the middle of naptime, but she calmed down and listened to her daddy's sweet words. After which she screamed.

Playing with her toys before bed is hard work, and she just didn't want to stop. Hilarious to watch her fall asleep while playing!

Don't really know why this posted out of order.....but here is a picture of Paige in her dress. So cute! I loved being able to use this dress twice, for her sealing and her blessing. It was a great find last summer. 18 bucks, originally 70. Grandma Steiner had to alter it, we bought it big thinking she would be older before everything was final, but we were happy to go sooner than we thought.

Mark had business all week and left me as a lone warrior. I can't tell you how anxious I was the week  before thinking of all the time Paige and I would be spending alone. But, things turned out just fine and we had a great time together. Mark has learned that if he goes, online shopping happens. We were glad to have Daddy home for sure! Paige is changing each and every day. Mark said in one week, her hair is blonder, she is heavier, and she has numerous new sounds. I hadn't noticed, until this morning when she started shrieking at herself and thinking it was cool. I guess she has figured out she has a voice.

Besides wishing for warm weather, we haven't been up to too much. I am getting a little stir crazy. Not to mention I feel soooo lazy! I hurt my foot playing soccer two weeks ago, and I am just finally able to wear shoes again. No soccer, no running (not that I do a lot anymore), but no physical activity for two weeks. I am wanting a jogging stroller, but with the lovely weather, it wouldn't get used. I feel icky about myself to be sure. I also noticed some pretty awesome cellulite that moved me to near tears. There are things about getting older I could do without! Anyone out there know a good method to get rid of it? The Mayo clinic said that 80% of all women over 20 get it, so I can't imagine I am alone in this, but I sure wouldn't mind seeing it go away! The 20% that don't get it must all live in Hollywood and I want to throw things at them. I wish there was more to say, but we have been laying pretty low. Mark and I feel so blessed and absolutely love Paige!

Families are Forever

Saturday, March 26th, we became an eternal family! I haven't got any of my pictures back, but as soon as I do, I will post them. Everyone says this day is incredible, and it didn't disappoint. I single handily ruined my wedding day. I was more than nervous. I wasn't a fun bride, nor was I a bride who imagined her wedding for years. The best way for me to describe my wedding day is this.....standing on a platform diving board kind of wanting to jump, but just looking down and thinking no way. Fortunately, I had a couple people behind me that just pretty much pushed me off. Don't get me wrong, I am continually grateful those people were there to push! 

Saturday felt like a second chance, an amazing re-enactment without any bells and whistles--just a chance to enjoy being in the temple as a family and with so many of our wonderful friends that I consider family. Even Mark's cancer doctor was there to celebrate with us. I remember wanting to throw in the towel when we found out Mark had cancer, and this doctor told us that we should push onward with our adoption. And here we were, coming full circle. It was special...beyond words! I was treated like a bride all over again, this time with no hesitation. I got to sit with my husband in the temple in peace and quiet, enjoying the spirit and anticipating our big moment. We were so blessed to have Paige's birthmother, Olivia, and her birth grandmother, Melissa, there with us. Melissa held Paige for the ceremony. I hope I never forget the moment she walked into the room with Paige. Paige looked like an angel! It took my breath away and brought some serious tears to my eyes. The hardest part of the day was leaving Olivia in the waiting room while the rest of us got ready. It felt like I was leaving her out or behind. I hope she knows she was in my heart! I made sure Paige wore her bracelet given to us by Olivia with the letter stating we were to be the parents. Whenever I saw that little wrist, it made me feel Olivia was right there with us. We also used the blanket Olivia wrapped her in at placement. I hope she knows these little things weren't by accident. I hope someday, we are worthy of receiving all the blessings promised and becoming an eternal family, and none of my loved ones are ever left behind! I want all of them right there with me.

Adoption is so hard, and there are so many different feelings and emotions that come along for the ride. One I wasn't expecting was guilt. I have had issues in the past and trying to get pregnant really exposed a lot of them and forced me to deal with them--but that wasn't easy and I can't say I conquered them all. For some reason, the option I was most comfortable and felt right was adoption, but I hoped I wasn't being selfish in taking that route. I doubt that makes sense, but it does to me. At the temple, I couldn't help but recognize the Lord's hand in my life during this process. It isn't by chance this all worked out this way. Olivia was the first to tell us that not only did she choose us, but Paige did as well. That helped reassure me that I was doing the right thing. Since Paige has entered into our lives, along with her wonderful birth family, it feels even more right. The temple solidified all that and I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to be a mother. It isn't easy, it is scary and overwhelming and I have so many weaknesses that I hope to improve and become a better mom, but I feel so blessed to have this chance and this baby girl!

3 Months

Ahh! I can't believe my baby is 3 months old. It seems like time is flying, but I can't remember not having her around. There are vague memories of it being a tad easier to leave the house, but I can't imagine not having this little girl in my life. She is such a great big blessing to Mark and I. She has such a special spirit that goes along perfectly with her special background. Some wise angel once told me that Paige had a big mission in front of her and came to this earth, in her own special way, found her way into both of our lives for a special purpose, and that will only continue as she grows into the special woman she is bound to become. I had the oppurtunity to have a girls weekend with Paige's birthmom, birthgrandma, and some friends. We had such a GREAT time. I look forward to many more in the future. It feels like I have a whole new family that cares not only about Paige, but me as well. All weekend I had to pinch myself; it was very surreal. What a blessing they are to me. We look forward to our sealing, March 26th. Her birth family will be joining us, gives me chills! Heavenly Father has been so evident in this process, and we will all feel that once again, so strongly, together, with ALL our families. Paige will be surrounded by family, friends, and angels that have helped us through this process.

Besides being a mom to this beautiful girl, I stay busy getting housework done, playing some soccer, and keeping up with my calling. I am the cultural arts specialist (fancy for activities) and am in charge of a ward dance number for the upcoming Stake activities night. Mark is a good husband and has been dragged into this with a positive attitude despite his inabilities in dancing. With practice, he actually does pretty darn good and is a good sport about it. Mark had a scan about a week ago and it came back clean. Always good news! His biggest side affect are his lungs. He gets winded easy and sounds very labored after any activity. I am going to have to whip him into shape. We need his knee better too so I can have a running buddy. I am itching to get back into running, but it is hard to find the time. If Mark could come with me, we could take the baby and the dog. He continues to work hard at work and enjoys what he does. Our horse Chula is currently at the trainers, and Mark goes out on Friday mornings to ride and learn from the trainer. It has been really great. Sonny is out there for a tune up, we plan on selling him to buy a smaller, younger horse.

So happy!

Smiling at her birthmama. Good thing someone can capture smiles on camera and send them to me!

The stinkin adorable tutu they brought for Paige on their visit. It is 12 months, so we have some time to grow into it.

Getting ready for church last Sunday.

Sporting her big girl jeans and new outfit. Her hair is going blonde on us. This was taken on her 3 month birthday.

This was awhile ago, but too funny. Roxy loves her and gets jealous at the same time.

Her nursery, my sister-in-laws made the curtains, bumpers, crib skirt, and quilt. Love it! It is so perfect.

"Soar" is our little theme for Paige. It describes her birthmother perfectly, and I pray that Paige will  also soar above all her trials and in everything she does. I have always love birds and I love how this all turned out. It is always fun to decorate with meaning.

Paige's New Trick

If this doesn't make you smile, you are heartless!