Mark, Jenny, Paige & Maci: June

Finally! I finally got a new computer so I can blog without profanities, a week of down time, and medication. It was getting a bit painful and I legitimately did not have the time to mess with it. I am going to try to get all caught up, but it is going to take me awhile. I am sure I will miss some things, but we will do our best and take things a month at a time.

June was a bittersweet month for sure. I knew going into the month we were going to have to deal with yet another failed adoption. This last one made us more angry than sad. It went down so ugly. I am grateful I caught it when I did before things went from bad to worse. I guess there was something good that came from me signing up so many places. Nothing like getting an email from an agency with a possible new match only to discover it was a situation we were already matched with. The expectant mother was agency shopping, hoping to get as much money and as many perks as she could. When we said we would not buy some strange and unnecessary requests she took matters into her own hands. I have no idea what ended up happening to her, if she ended up placing at all or what. I do know that I was completely unimpressed with the referral service that helped facilitate the match They literally took thousands of dollars from us and where of NO help when I notified them about what was happening. In fact, the first thing they told me after I reported the fraud was that I must be mistaken. The second thing they told me was to call the new agency and make sure it was the same girl while keeping all the cards close to my chest, meaning sharing no information about our match while expecting them to spill their beans. Ridiculous. I was so angry to have no support. I not only uncovered the fraud, but then had to shut it all down myself. The agency in Kansas was helpful, but they didn't seem too interested in rematching us and the referral service definitely didn't care. They had our money and were just fine sitting on it.

I think I just felt a lot of confusion at this point. I had had some experiences that made me think we needed to take this big leap of faith, step out of our comfort zone. I even had an experience where I had a very vivid image of dressing a little girl, with beautiful brown skin in a Sunday dress. I thought all those things meant this situation, even though very strange and different, was something we needed to do. To have it end in such a fraudulent way made me second guess my ability to recognize answers to prayers and follow the guidance of the Spirit. At the end of the day, this match made me second guess everything about myself and the adoption process as a whole. A part of me just wanted to be done, be a family of three. Another part of me wanted a baby so bad that I felt desperate to do anything. But knowing that this match didn't hurt me emotionally like the one the year before was a clue that this definitely wasn't the match meant for our family. I just felt no clarity about where to go next. That's how June began. A mess of confusion.

Fortunately things got better. I started the month off with a trip down to SUU soccer camp. I originally didn't think I would get to go, but after the other failed adoption, my schedule was clear again. With the help of Mark and some good friends who helped with Paige, I was able to go down with the Madison soccer team. It was EXACTLY what I needed. The weather was hot, the company was great, and feeling like I was a part of something again was therapeutic. I love being a part of the game. Being involved on a bigger competitive stage, even if I wasn't a player, just felt good. Coaching is hard, it intimidates me a bit, but it really is quite rewarding. SUU was great, until about midway through. In a moment of downtime, I checked Facebook and saw a post from an aunt about my grandma, alluding to things not being well. I literally had no idea there was even an issue. I stepped aside and made a call only to find out my grandmother was not doing well at all and was on her death bed, completely no responsive. I was shocked to know things had gone downhill so fast and here I was, hundreds of miles away. I made the decision to cut the trip short, drove through the night and made it home a day early. I slept a few hours, kissed Paige and Mark and headed out the door to spend sometime with Grandma.

She was completely non-responsive but she was alive. I laid by her, smelled her, hugged her, kissed her, held her hand, and soaked in just being close. I shed some tears and truly enjoyed some Spiritual experiences.Grandma had been a part of each of our adoption failures and took them just about as hard as I did. I knew she was an invested player in our story. I told her that when she got to the other side, if there was a baby up there for us, that I would need her help to find it. Two days later, on Father's day, I got a text during church that Grandma was gone and that if I wanted to say goodbye one more time, I needed to make it down before the funeral home got there. The next week was rough. It was hard to not have Mom and Dad here. It felt like so much was missing. But there were some sweet moments. Memories shared, positive reflections, family gathering, a celebration of life, and being able to participate in her funeral felt like such an honor. Watching my grandpa lose his sweetheart was awful and still is He misses her so much. But even that was a lesson in and of itself--a true love story.

My grandma was a beautiful kind, patient, and wise. Now that she is gone, I realize how much I relied on her for advice. I feel like I dumped so many of my worry and concerns on her as we sat in her kitchen. She just listened with love and made me feel so much better about things in her soft spoken way. What a great example she was to me.