And They're Off

This picture pretty much sums up how we all feel I think. This was our first time letting Paige sleep in bed with us--we usually have a pack n play when we travel. I didn't want to hassle with one, so we tried a new technique. Let's just say I moved to the coach after an epic sleeping fail. These two didn't seem to mind sharing though! What do you all do with the kiddos when you travel? Sleeping bags?

 

Last week was seriously exhausting on a lot of levels. I feel particularly bad for my parents as they will not have a second of recovery. Even though they had been working on the move for months, the last few days were still super hectic. Sun-up to sun-down scattered meals, moving, house cleaning, and settling loose ends filled Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Thursday morning we headed down to Utah to pick up my brothers from the airport. After a long day, we were able to spend a little bit of time together Thursday evening. Paige hadn't had a nap all week, and she was a monster the entire weekend. You could tell she was beyond sleep deprived. On top of that, she has molars coming in. She battled a fever at the beginning of the week, diarrhea mid-week, and exhaustion at week's end. She was beastly! It was frustrating to finally have some  moments together, and I was anxious as I struggled to find ways to keep her happy and busy. Poor Grandpa got an exceptionally clingy child who wanted to swing for hours. He was happy to oblige. On top of it all, Mark came down with a raging fever as well. Quite the weekend. Add the emotional roller coaster and I honestly could sleep for days.

 

Friday, Paige spent the day with her birth family. I am so glad I arranged for this. I know my parents were a little sad not to have her around on their last day, but it allowed me to enjoy time with them a little more. Paige's birth family was more than excited to have her. They went swimming and had a great time! I am so grateful for them. I love them so much and they are such a blessing to us. They are seriously an extension of family. I feel so lucky it has ended up this way. Friday afternoon, Mom and Dad were set apart by Elder Bednar. It was a pretty amazing experience to be in such an intimate setting with an apostle. My parents are very close with the Bednars, which made it even more special. Friday evening started the goodbyes. It was awful. I felt so sad for my dad as he said goodbye to his parents. There is a chance one or both might not be here in 3 years. Their health is not good enough to travel, so it felt very final. I couldn't even stand to watch it. On top of Paige's ornery self, I got the feeling she could sense things were unsettled all week. She certainly was not herself, and every time I had to pull her away from my parents she was hysterical. Especially my dad. It made it so hard for me to keep things under control and I was a mess most of the time.

 

Friday was a late night, and we didn't spend much time together as an immediate family. I wish we would have had more quiet moments since it will be the last time we are all together for a very long time. Saturday morning was just surreal. Emotions were very near the surface. Mark was sick, Paige was sad, and I failed to keep myself in check. It was a beautiful morning so we did enjoy some moments outside on the swings and some last minute walks.

Dad pushed Paige for hours at a time the entire weekend. This was Saturday morning, just a few minutes before Dad had to change into his uniform for the next three years-----his suit. Good thing the man wears a suit so well!

Paige was like this most of the time. She just clung to my mom and dad. This is such a sad picture! Both girls were sad, and I was sad taking it.

 

 

My best friend! My mom and I are close. I am the only girl and so is she I guess. We definitely enjoyed having each other to do lunch, pedicures, and shopping trips. I didn't take my phone anywhere, so I need to get the other pictures from my brothers. They have some good ones at the MTC and at the setting apart. I regret that I didn't get a picture of just my Dad and I. At this point, Paige refused to let him set her down. She cried almost the entire time at the MTC. I think it was a combination of a few things, but I think a part of her new something was up.

Putting on the tag for the first time.

 

 

Melissa, Paige's "birth grandma,"  gave her this cute little maxi skirt. So adorable! Paige already thinks she is 15, so why not dress her like a 15  year old right?

 

 

Coming home was harder than the whole weekend. It was cold and windy, and a good 20 degrees cooler than Utah. Ridiculous. Didn't help my mood much for sure. It just feels weird to be here without them. I can't say I LOVE living here. There are lots of pros and cons I guess. I think the biggest pro was that I had family here. There is no way I could have survived what we have gone through without them. I was glad to have them close during the cancer, infertility, adoption, and new baby phases of life. Now I don't have family---and EVERYONE else does. I think people don't rely on friendships here because they have so much family. That is great as long as you do too. Sam and Max tell me about the bonding and things that happen in areas where no one has family. Neighbors, friends, and ward members look out for each other more. Those relationships are stronger. They get together for holidays and activities. Things like that don't happen here. No one needs a substitute family because they have their actual ones. I realize Mark has family here, but that only makes it worse for me, not better. Is it weird that I think it would be better if neither of us did? I feel like  it really would force us to rely more on each other. I woke up Sunday and I was sad. Maybe not as sad as Saturday. Today I feel sad again. Mark is gone to work, and I see many days ahead with time to fill. It's an adjustment. I am sure over time things will get better and I will get used to it. In some ways I feel so guilty and so embarrassed that this is hard for me. Lots of people don't have their parents close, and I am 30, so it's probably time I didn't either. I think if it was just me, it would be easier. I am just so sad that Paige won't know them anymore. In a few months, she won't remember all the good times she had with her grandparents--the special relationship she has with my dad. By the time they are released, she will be in kindergarten and they will essentially be strangers. I will have to work hard to make sure that doesn't happen I guess. Yes, we can go and visit. But it won't be the same, and I have a hard time thinking they will just be able to drop everything and be with us when we are there. I have a feeling they are going to be quite busy for the next three years.

 

I just hope those missionaries know how lucky they are. They are getting a great couple. I am not thrilled that I have to share them, so I hope they enjoy the advice, love, and counsel as much as I do. My dad will be a great mission president, and my mom will be a great missionary and mission mom. Despite my sadness, I am proud of them and excited for them.  

 

 

We had an adoption conference call last Thursday. Nothing like taking an important phone call in the car next to your two year old. It was good and we really liked the company, but still unsure if that is the route we want to take. They require a substantial amount of money up front for a two year contract. It is non-refundable and it makes me nervous. What if something comes up somewhere else right after we pay them their fee? What if nothing comes up and we aren't matched for two years? They wanted to know today what we decided, and I just felt like we hadn't decided anything. I hope they will let us delay a month while we work to figure some things out. I can't make decisions that big in a weekend----especially this last weekend. Too many other things on my mind!

 

 

In other news, Paige makes my heart happy and has said some funny things lately:

 

While playing toys with my dad, she randomly said "Ooo, oo, ooo, that's what a monkey says guys"

 

Loves Monster's Inc and has watched it endlessly. I caught her saying "Mike Wyzowski" the other day. She also yells "boo" at everyone every chance she gets.

 

Anything scary is a "monster ghost" which apparently is much worse than either of those things individually.

 

Declares herself to be Paige. "I'm Paige, I am right here"

 

Yesterday she was riding Mark's roping cow dummy. I asked her if she was riding her horse. She said yes. Mark corrected us both and said, "No, that's a cow." Paige concurred and continued to ride. Mark and I decided to go for a walk, I asked Paige to come along and she said, "No, I can't come, I am riding my horse-cow."



 

Continues to love escaping her crib and opening and closing any door she can. I found her fast asleep on her floor the other night.

 

Love her. Glad that she is my right hand girl and that I will never officially be alone. Please remind me of this comment when I complain about not having privacy in the bathroom.