Still Mourning Warmer Weather

Life feels pretty slow lately, and I am trying to decide whether I like that or not. The last few days of warmer weather have been a huge blessing. Nothing like some sunshine to lift the spirits. Since coming home, we have had terrible weather--which is to be expected, but it was magnified after leaving paradise. The wind has been relentless, and Paige and I have felt very cooped up. Then to make things even more fabulous, Paige came down with the flu last week and life was awesome. I love a routine, but it lends itself to monotony, and then I look back at my days with disdain because life seems to be stuck. I suppose it is a love/hate relationship.  I love summer so much and wish we had more nice days. They feel invaluable! We have been out enjoying our backyard setting, the animals, and each other the last few days and it really has made all the difference.

Someone from our trip set up a community photo board, which has been awesome since Mark and I are terrible picture takers. I didn't want to take my phone on a lot of these excursions, so I was glad to see someone documented them for us. These next few were taken at a Mayan village. The Mayan descendants live there and have set up a few tourist type activities to make some money I guess. I didn't fully understand it. The government pays them to allow visitors into their village and homes. It is environmentally protected, and we couldn't even take sunscreen in that wasn't biodegradable.

This rock was about as high as a high dive, so not terrible scary, but it was so fun. The water was from an underground river and was crystal clear. It was so hot outside, and the water felt amazing.

An actual home. These people live a very primitive lifestyle. They grow their own food and raise their own animals. They have an average lifespan of 100 years due to their low stress, healthy eating habits. The village was so beautiful. I originally thought it was some sort of museum, like a Polynesian Cultural center type thing, but people actually live here like an Indian reservation, albeit quite different than any reservation I have ever seen. Our guide knocked on the door and our group of 40 invaded some poor guy's personal space. He was sleeping in his hammock before we all barged into his one room house.

This is literally all that was inside. To the right was 5 hammocks. They had three grocery sacks of food hung from the ceiling to keep animals out of it. It was crazy to see that people are able to live with so little, and honestly, it sounds like they are healthier and happier for it. With that being said, I don't know if I am ready to give up all my luxuries to join them.

The underwater river we explored. It was a fairly short tour, which was fine by me since the water was freezing. It was pretty eery to see some of the extremely deep crevices that extend to who knows where. Gave me a little bit of the heebie jeebies. Apparently all scuba diving is outlawed to prevent people from being trapped indefinitely. Can you imagine a worse way to go?!

This was the fanciest dinner of the whole trip, and my stomach was so not interested in the fancy food. I was sad things weren't more settled so I could attempt to enjoy my 200 dollar dinner.

Zip-lining at the Mayan Village. Too lazy to put these pictures in better order.

Mayan ruins at Tulum. It was SO hot. The top of my feet were sun-burnt, and it felt like we were walking on the sun. It was like 9 in the morning, and the sun was strong.  I can't remember feeling sushine so intense....ever. I'm not complaining, in awe really that places like that exist. A very fascinating place and I was glad we got to see it.

The beautiful beach at the base of the ruins, tempting the sweaty tourists.

And then we came home to the land of winter coats.

Boots the cat would rather be a dog. This cat is so annoying, but cracks me up at the same time. It follows us on every walk we go on. It loves attention at all times, and quite honestly, wants to cuddle more than any of us would like to. Boots is so darn pushy and will find any open lap. I have a hard time being mean to animals, so I usually give in and give it a pet or two before I want my personal space back. Paige feels the same way I do, but will tolerate the cat on her terms. Boots is pretty kind which makes her stay here tolerable. Fortunately she has become a little braver with the warmer temperatures, and has left the back porch to hunt for field mice, her real purpose on the farm.

The next picture deserves a little preface. In case you haven't been around me for at least ten seconds, you must know I am a worrier. I like to worry about any and all things. I sometimes enjoy blowing things out of proportion and losing sleep over them. I even like to ruin completely wonderful and exciting events by worrying. Sigh. Why do I do this? And now, to introduce Dee.

We have been wanting to get another horse for awhile for a few reasons. First, I wasn't about to go on family horse rides on one horse. Three is a crowd! Second, I love my handsome Scout dearly, but he is only 4. He has had months of training, but at the end of the day he is colt, and I haven't been riding in years---since massive horse death and the arrival of Paige. I need to regain some confidence for sure. The older I get, the more fearful I am and the less confident I feel. Paige makes that worse. I don't want her to get hurt, and I can't get hurt and take care of her. Regardless, I love horses, and I want to get over those fears and enjoy them. Riding a colt probably isn't the best way to overcome those things, so we were on the lookout for an older, broke, trust-worthy ride. Scout's trainer called us Friday and said he had come across a great mare. Mark hates paints and hates mares equally as much, so I was surprised he was interested at all, but we love our trainer and trust his judgement. We rode her Saturday morning and I really enjoyed her. She was so sweet, had an unbelievable trot, and was pretty responsive after basically sitting for a year. Dee has been ridden 3 times in the last year or two, and we were pretty impressed with her demeanor. Mark and I usually think about these big type of purchases far too long, and with other people wanting to come and ride Dee, we felt pressured and quickly agreed to take her home. I was SO excited....until we brought her to our house. She seemed like an entirely different horse to me. Blah.  I am unsure at this point as to what to think. I feel like she has potential, but I am not in a place where I can help her reach that. I feel like I want our trainer to put some time on her and iron out some issues, but I am anxious to have something to ride. I feel conflicted. For what we paid, I wish she was in a better place, but I also realize if she was there, she probably would have been even more expensive. It is also very possible I have jumped to some conclusions and the poor thing has gone through quite a bit of change and needs some time to get used to me and her new surroundings. I am a rough judge, I just want her to be perfect, that's all! I want Scout to be 13, broke and seasoned. I guess the jury is still out on Dee and if she can be that seasoned horse for me to gain some confidence and for Paige to learn on. It is a hard balance to find a horse that has enough life to be fun, energetic, and enjoyable, yet broke calm, gentle, and level headed. I feel like I am seeking a perfect balance that might not exist.  And there you have it, I have completely ruined a perfectly exciting event. Why can't I just be excited to have a beautiful new horse?

Paige and Grandma enjoying some nice weather. How grateful we are to have some fun days before Grandma leaves us. I am not ready for that!

Paige has more confidence than I do! The girl has no fear and LOVES to ride horses. She asks daily to ride and hates to get off. I love that she is fearless, and I feel sad for the day when she realizes there is plenty to fear(in all things) because it is inevitable. Fortunately, she is going to have a way stronger foundation than I did getting such an early start. Lucky lady that is for sure. Her dad is pretty great to come home after a long day and take her out.

 Pictures like these make me feel like super mom. I am not really great at the whole crafting thing. I am trying to be better and not care about the mess that crafting always results in. Extreme boredom has won out recently and desperation has cast all inhibitions aside. I just can't look as she mixes all the colors together to make a lovely shade of brown in every pod. I have to remind myself all things are washable, and paints come cheap. Sad that I have to talk through my perfectionism so my two year old can enjoy herself. The good news is I can, and Paige really loves to paint. It is always good to find another indoor activity to help pass the 335 days of crappy weather.

Last but not least, how grown up is she?! My little baby is just no longer a baby. She is a full blown, sassy toddler on the brink of potty training. I took a few random shots to send her birth mom and I was floored at how big Paige seemed. So bittersweet!

A few funny things she has said lately:

After a long potty session on her knew potty chair that ended in no success, Paige walked in on me and clapped and cheered as I did find success. I suppose she was listening to me after all. She is very good at telling me she has pooped  after I can smell her coming two rooms away. When I ask her where she should go, she always says "in the potty."

I picked her up from Kid's World at the gym the other day. I walked in and called for her. Paige ran out from the slide and yelled, "Do you hear that? It's my mom!" She asks me if I hear stuff multiple times a day.

After giving Mark "knucks" during the Sacrament, she calmly exclaimed "explode" as she retracted her open palm.

Post Vacation Syndrome

My house is a mess. There is a mile long list of things to catch up on, laundry to do, floors to mop, toilets to clean, and alas my will power died on vacation. It has been so hard coming back home and getting back into the swing of things. Mark and I knew we were headed to Mexico on an all-expense paid trip of spoils last September, and I have been anxiously awaiting its arrival. I worked out, I shopped, I stressed about what to wear to fancy dinners and cocktail hours, knowing I would stick out for not drinking and hoping to at least look like I belonged there somehow. And just like that.....it was all over in the blink of an eye. Even though I missed Paige terribly, this was the best vacation I had ever been on, EVER! It was such a blast. I met some amazing people, made new friends, and enjoyed a few days of heavenly bliss without a stress in the world. When someone else pays for your trip, it is just a million times more enjoyable. Mark golfed, I snorkeled, we canoed, zip-lined, para sailed, swam, explored ruins and underwater caves, ate, slept, pampered at the spa, walked in flour-like sand, and soaked up some rays. Fabulous. It was just fabulous. Mark has more pictures on his phone I have yet to transfer, so I hope to post those later on.

View from our hammock on our own private balcony

Day 1

Day 2

Day 3---getting the hint? I literally laid on these huge comfy beds on the beach for hours with my new gal pal Kasey. We sat there for hours while people brought  food and drink, fluffed my pillow, and then cleaned everything up. Mark would come home from the golfing and ask what I did. I responded with, "A whole lot of nothing." It was amazing.

Perfection

There was some sort of activity once a day, and since our hubby's wanted to golf most of the time, Kasey and I enjoyed jet skiing and snorkeling together. We had never jet skied before, and I am sure we were pretty awesome out there. I wish we would have seen more on the snorkel trip, but we did see a huge barracuda, some fish, and an octopus which I am still wondering if I actually managed to see. It was pretty camouflaged and even getting right up next to it I merely nodded my head to our guide that  I did in fact see it. 

When we got tired of beach side service, we would head over to the outside restaurant for some yummy fixings. My favorite food down there was at the resort. Breakfast was AMAZING. I don't even like breakfast, but it certainly hit the spot each day. We also loved the guacamole and shrimp tacos. Delicious.

Headed out for our first jet ski ride.

Waiting to para sail. We did this our last beach day, and I think Kasey grabbed some good action shots, I was too afraid to take my phone, and after taking the jet ski ride of death out to the boat, I was glad I left it on the beach. Tide was rolling in and we headed pretty far out to get to the boat. There were some pretty big swells that our little jet ski flew over. Being slightly afraid of the ocean, I feared for my life and got pretty up close and personal with our jet ski driver. Mark almost bounced off the back multiple times. I felt fortunate to be in the middle. It was way scarier than the actual para sailing portion of the trip. I needed to sign the waiver way before I got on the boat!

One of 5 fountains at the spa

The spa, where I spent 3 glorious hours. My contacts pretty much dried up on my eye balls and by the time I was done and taken out of my dark, music filled room into the bright sunshine, I hardly remembered my name. I could barely open my eyes, couldn't understand what my Spanish masseuse was saying, and had no idea what he handed me to drink. I am pretty sure he thought I was "special"  at that point as my face contorted to keep my lenses from falling out.

Entrance to our hotel. The grounds were unbelievable. It was set in a pretty dense jungle and the grounds were impeccable. The resort only has 60 total rooms and they were set apart from each other. It felt so quaint, quiet, and private. Each night they would light the paths connecting the rooms, pools and common areas with candles. I felt like a rich person for the week. It was other worldly for sure. Thanks Navex for the awesome trip and thanks Mark for working so hard and earning it. I am trying not to get excited about next year, but the Amalfi coast sounds amazing. C'mon Mark! You can do it!!!

The only downfall was leaving this little bug. She did great and split time at both grandparents'. I couldn't believe how much more she talked when I got home. She managed to learn sentences in the time I was gone. We were off the grid, and only had the capabilities to Facetime and only managed to hook up twice while we were gone. It felt strange to feel so disconnected! Paige gave me the world's greatest hug when I got home, which made up for the 50 degree temperature drop, at least temporarily:)

Paige was super excited about "Hop" this year. She calls all bunnies "Hop" and after meeting the Easter Bunny at the grocery store, she was elated he was going to come to her house. She only left the grocery store after reassuring her he would come visit that night. When Mark woke her up for the church the next morning and asked her who came, she emphatically declared "Hop!!" I was surprised she connected it all and remembered it. She wasn't as excited about picture taking, and has a mouth full of treats in this shot, but I had to document her adorable Easter outfit.

Paige loved finding candy filled eggs. It's fun to see her grow up and be able to participate in things. Maybe next year we will try the whole egg dye thing, and be as excited about Jesus as we are about "Hop."

Paige loves to be outside and loves to go for walks. This is basically in our backyard and these two gals couldn't be any happier about it. I have concluded that warm weather is a special gift for moms! I am looking forward to a summer of outdoor adventures.

Paige is growing up so fast and makes us laugh everyday. Here are a few things she has said lately:

While on a walk, "Hey, do you hear that? Listen......it's a plane!" Very serious

After our trip and spending one night in my company, she took a break from breakfast to say, "Hey, you know what? We should go to Mammas (grandma's)" Ya I know, Grandma is way cooler.

While at Mamma and Boppa's....She told Boppa to "follow me" and proceeded to put him in "time out, where he had to "stay and be nice"

Paige takes good care of her baby and had changed its diaper, read it a story, and put it to bed. In the morning while eating breakfast at Boppa's, she stood up with a start and said, "Oh no! My baby is still sleeping!"

We took Paige with us to watch Scout be shod and then  to a horse sale. Paige was pretty upset both times that she couldn't ride. When I asked her if she had fun at the horse sale, she said "no, it was boring, I wanna ride"

In the car seeing a sign that had blown down, Paige with disgust said, "Oh man!"

Was upset about needing to say goodbye to Mamma and Boppa and going to bed. Mamma told her it was time for them to go home because Boppa needed to go to bed. Paige marched upstairs to retrieve Boppa and told him, "you need to go to bed Boppa"

Paige is the most animated little thing and cracks me up with her facial expressions and attitude. She is growing up too fast.

In other news, we have completed our home study and we are now waiting for it to be submitted to the state for approval. It should be about two weeks. Now it really is a waiting game, which honestly is the hardest part. I need to start getting our profile and scrapbook stuff done, but once that is done, I feel like it is largely out of our hands and will be relinquishing our control a bit and putting faith in charge. I am still trying to decide how active I want to be in marketing and networking ourselves. That part of the adoption process makes me squirm. So many mixed emotions on that one! I know it really is the only way to get the word out and advertising is a big deal, but it is so against my personality. Not to mention it scares me a bit in multiple ways. Sigh. We shall see I guess.



"These are the days of OUR lives....."

It has been so long since my last post. It seems like we have been so busy, but nothing worthy of a blog update. I suppose it has been a case of writer's block. My blog serves as my journal, and I need to realize it doesn't always have to be breaking news, just things I want to make sure I remember, especially things about Paige. She is growing up so fast and her personality is bursting at the seams. She is definitely turning two which has been a challenge, but it has also been a really fun age. She never ceases to make me laugh.

We have had some issues with the furnace in our new house. Nothing major, the filters need to be cleaned more often since everything is new. We learned this the hard way, but going a few days without a good heat source has motivated Mark to be on top of the situation. Paige loves to go down in the crawl space with Dad and help. I am sure she was her usual helpful self and made the job a million times harder, but you couldn't ask for a cuter helper!

My parent's have been cleaning house and getting rid of things left and right in preparation for their mission. My dad has been called as a mission president in the Rancho Cucamonga California mission. This is a brand new mission, and my dad will be the first mission president. They are pretty excited, but nervous as well. I told my dad he has to pay for Paige's counseling because she will miss him and grandma terribly. Anyway, back to the story. This lovely dragon was on the top of the DI pile and Paige was awfully confused as to why such an item was considered unwanted. She saved the dragon and it has been a best friend ever since. After packing it around the house for a few days, she insisted on it riding in the car with her. I was happy to get it outta the house, and it has now become her full time car buddy. It is from Lagoon and smells bad and is in no way soft and cuddly. We hit up Burger King drive thru for a quick lunch and they gave Paige a crown. As we were driving home, I glanced in my rear view mirror and had to pull over to take a picture. It was too funny. She had staged this entirely on her own. It made me laugh out loud!

Paige is a big animal lover. I am glad I now have a partner in crime. Mark has more of the farm approach to animals. Paige and I tend to be more loving and humanizing of the pets. Roxy is the best dog, she is so so sweet. Paige can be a little nervous around her sometimes, usually when Roxy is excited about playing. I am sure it is because they are essentially eye level with each other. Roxy wouldn't hurt a fly. In fact, she lets the cat eat her food and drink her water. If Roxy is distracted and not in a licking position, Paige loves to give her cuddles. I also like that Roxy raided the diaper pail and Paige's diapers are in the background. The silly dog doesn't do anything besides cart them around. A strange hobby for sure!

Paige gets really excited about the cat. I think she finds Boots more entertaining than Roxy. As Boots has gotten older, she has been forced out into the world as a barn cat. She still gets spoiled and spends a lot of time in the garage, but I would like her to become the mouser she was destined to become. Boots isn't nearly as interested in her new calling and spends most of the time  meowing for attention. Paige is happy to oblige. Boots won't let Paige pack her around anymore, but is still a pretty nice kitty. If we ever speak in person, remind me to tell you more about Boots the cat. It really is quite the story.

 

The past month has been pretty busy. After visiting with LDS Family Services and realizing how busy they are, we felt we needed to get our home study done independently, or wait months. I wasn't willing to do that, so we found a really great social worker who has been a real go-getter. We called her up, and she immediately got the ball rolling. We went from zero to sixty in a matter of moments. As of now, we are just a few weeks away from being home study approved. We are waiting for some references, Mark's medical clearance, and our second home visit which is currently being scheduled. I am so happy with our progress, but know that once it is done, the real waiting game begins. At least when you are actively working on something, you feel like you have some control over the situation. With LDS Family Services so busy, I just feel like our chances with them are not looking promising. I have been researching agencies and other avenues, and it is so frustrating. Agency adoptions are SO expensive and some of them require some ridiculous hoops to jump through. I hope and pray that a miracle will happen, and maybe by letting everyone we know we are hoping to adopt, someone will know someone who is wanting to place. Please keep us in mind if you come across a situation. We are really just a few weeks out from being ready to go!

 

Mark had a business trip this week,  I decided to go to Utah for a girl's shopping trip with Paige's birth family. I was SO excited and had been looking forward to it for a few weeks. We haven't seen them for a few months, and it was going to be great. Thursday was  a busy day getting all the housework done so we could all come home to a clean house. It always seems like a ton of work to get Paige ready for a trip, so Thursday felt like a big run around day. Fortunately, Paige was in a playful mood and entertained herself quite nicely. Here are a few pictures of what she did Thursday:

Put almost every stuffed animal she owned down for a nap. I love how tenderly she stuck these in the crib. I found this after I put Paige down for a nap. Cracks me up.

She has loved playing play dough lately, and we get all the cookie cutters out since I can't really make anything with play dough unless assisted by a cookie cutter. She loves this bear one, and I have found it in some interesting places. She placed it this day on the window next to our front door. Hmmmmm, no idea why.

These are some heart "cookies" I made out of play dough for her. We had been setting them on her tea set plates and setting them on the table. She thought this idea was much better. Boots was on the back porch and I think she was trying to share.

I heard her closing and opening drawers in my bathroom, she came out later to show me she had done her own hair with one of my headbands. I wear a headband everyday to the gym, and I have ruined her into thinking they are cool Not cool or cute, just necessary Paige! She makes it look pretty good though if I do say so myself. And I was relieved to see that with all the options she had available in my bathroom drawer, she picked a headband.

 

Like I said, this was all on Thursday. After getting everything done and the car packed, we were ready for our girl's trip. The week seemed so long, and Paige had been so ornery most of the time; I was ready for a break! Paige has had a cough, and when I got her up for the day, she coughed with a mouth full of milk and puked all over me. I had gotten all ready for the day and was stoked about having to change and re-do my hair. I should have taken this as an omen, but decided it was a fluke since she pretty much does this all the time, and I rushed to get on the road, even if we were already behind an hour. The roads were fine until we got to Blackfoot. Blizzard conditions made for a scary drive. I was scared stiff, especially after passing a turned over RV, a semi in the median, and a 7 car crash. I called my mom to see if the roads were supposed to be this bad the entire time. As I was talking to her, the sun came out and things seemed to get better so thinking I had survived the worst, I excitedly pressed on. Not 10 minutes later Paige starts to cry, I thought it was because her DVD had ended. I glance in the rear view mirror just in time to see her barf all over the back seat. No small amount. Ughhhhh. We pulled off the interstate and I crawled back into the worst mess ever. Fortunately I had lots of wipes and extra clothes that we supposed to be for our over night stay. Not knowing if the roads were gonna get better, or if Paige was gonna throw up again, I decided it would be best to turn around and throw in the towel. I was so disappointed! And, I now had to drive back through the blizzard. Needless to say it was quite the field trip to Fort Hall, and it took me HOURS to de-barf the car. The worst day! Just to make the blown weekend even better, Mark got stuck in Denver and still isn't home! A full day later than he planned on being home. By some miracle, he is finally on his way back and should be back tonight. Wahoo!

 

We are so ready for spring around here, and even though the weather this week has stunk, Paige and I were stir crazy and had to get out. We took Roxy for an hour walk and had a great time. I had two happy kids on my hands, and I successfully wore them both out. I am anxious for warm weather and the opportunity to get out more.

We were all sorts of muddy, wet, and stinky when we got home, but it was worth it!

 

With the somewhat warmer temperatures, birds have been invading our space. I feel like our backyard is becoming our own nature reserve. We have had tons of deer(I realize these aren't birds), flocks of geese, huge cranes, and even some swans this week. For a few days, our trees in the front yard were swarmed with these little black birds. I first heard them from inside and couldn't figure out what the strange sound was. They seriously make a deafening roar. It is unbelievable! I had to take a video just to document how loud they were. It was seriously eerie and all sorts of Alfred Hitchcock. If they started flying into the windows I am pretty sure I would have freaked!

 Insane right?!

 



 

 

Reality

 

Oh where to start. It has been a crazy few weeks. Mark has been traveling, we have been trying to get settled, and we have been busy with every day life. January seemed to fly by, which is fine by me. I hate the cold, and this January was just plain bitter. I have been hesitant to post any house pictures, because frankly, it still is a work in progress. Nothing is quite finished, and nothing is decorated. I have not hung one picture. It seems like there is quite a list of "to do's" and I haven't really been inspired to tackle it. I want a few more things to be finished before I dive in head first. I snapped all of these really fast, with my trashy camera. I didn't even bother to make sure the picture was straight or things were picked up, but they will have to do for now! I figured if I waited until everything was perfect, finished, and clean I would never have any pictures.

 

Our entry--the only room finished.

Looking from the entry into the living room. We just bought this couch a week or two ago. I love it! Unfortunately we never sit in it, we all love being in the bonus room too much. I love my big windows and the view out the back. Gorgeous!

Paige's room

Living room to kitchen. The built-ins are not finished obviously. Still need tile around the fireplace, shelves, and crown molding across the top. Through the door is Paige's room, the main bath, and another bedroom.

Main bath

Laundry/mud room.  I love this drop zone!

Kitchen to laundry/mud room.

 

Laundry to kitchen. Ignore the dirty bottles and dishes in the sink. Like I said, I literally snapped these shots during Super Bowl halftime.

Living room to kitchen

My pantry, in need of food storage and organization

Master bath

Close up of master shower tile

Master bedroom. I really need a headboard. My bed makes me sad. It looks half done all the time!

I took a few picture of the upstairs bonus room, but it is currently a disaster and Beyonce was performing on the TV. I just couldn't bring myself to advertise our lounging selves. We are really loving our house and feel very blessed. I look forward to making it a home and I am waiting for some of my more creative friends to offer to help me decorate. Just kidding---kind of! I have a few ideas, I just need more time and money to pull it all together. It may be awhile, which is fine. I am sure we will be here for awhile.

In my last post I alluded to our big life change in June. The cat has pretty much been let out of the bag at this point, so I feel pretty comfortable sharing that my dad has been called as a mission president. We don't know where yet, but he and my mom will be serving for 3 years in an English speaking mission. They will do an amazing job, but I will sure miss them. I have been blessed to have them close. I've been spoiled having them around. They help me so much! I love the relationship they have with Paige. It hurts my heart a little to know that will change. Paige really loves her grandpa and she asks for him everyday. They are best buddies and it will be hard to see him go, but we know it's the right thing to do. In addition to leaving, they are planning on selling their house, a house I still very much consider my home. I spent a majority of my life in that house. It's hard knowing that once my parent's leave, they really are leaving the area for good.

January also brought some new, unexpected news. There are honestly times where Mark's cancer feels like a dream. As time passes, we have less follow-up appointments and it's easy to think of it as a trial firmly planted in the past. I have read many blogs and posts from other cancer families, and they reference all the things that cancer cannot do---which is very true. It can't do a lot of things, but there are times when it CAN do enough. We have been very open about our infertility woes, and they aren't new. Before cancer, there was really no defined reason explaining why we weren't able to conceive. I personally feel like it was me, I know it was me. We knew adoption was the right path, and in the middle of the process, Mark was diagnosed. At that moment, we knew why adoption felt so right. Paige's arrival was an absolute testament that we had made the right choice. No doubt in my mind she was meant for our family and we feel so blessed to have her. We love adoption on a very real and personal level. With that being said, adoption cannot cure the feelings associated with infertility. It's hard.

We have been trying to grow our family for awhile now, and I do feel an unknown sense of urgency. I don't know why. Maybe because Paige is two and I want her to have a sibling decently close in age. Maybe I feel like I am only getting older. Maybe I knew it was going to be a journey and we might as well get started. After all, it only took us 4 years the first time around. Maybe I subconsciously wanted something to happen while my parents were still close. When I first got their news, that was my first thought. I needed my mom!  Whatever the reason, I felt I needed to up the ante and start talking some infertility treatments with my doctor. Since we didn't know where we stood after the whole cancer thing, it was obvious we needed to address that issue first. I was confident it wouldn't be an issue, and was working through some of my own fears and questions regarding the next steps in treatment. Mark, however, wasn't as optimistic, and once again---Mark was right. He always seems to be right. I need to learn when Mark has hunch, it's best to plan on it. Even though we knew it was a very real possibility, the news was crushing. Before, there was always hope and a chance we would have biological children. None of our tests were conclusive, or negative for that matter. We experienced unexplained infertility.  Hearing the finality that chemotherapy and radiation ruined any chances for us to have children was a blow I didn't think we would have to deal with. I thankfully do not know what it is like to lose a child, or to miscarry, and I hope I never have to know what that feels like. I do feel a huge sense of loss, mourning a child that will never come. As scary as pregnancy and labor and all that entails was to me, I will always wonder what it is like to see a positive pregnancy test, to go to an ultrasound, to feel a baby kick, to compare Mark and I's baby pictures to our new bundle of joy. Like I said, it hurts.

I hate saying those things and seeming ungrateful, because we do love adoption. And even though it is incredibly difficult, it provides experiences that pregnancy does not. It was exciting to be matched, to get to know and love somebody in a very new a different way. Having a relationship with Paige's birthmom is something I can't explain. She allowed us to be a part of so many things that she didn't have to let us in on, and I feel grateful to her for allowing us into her life. The adoption process isn't easy, and I am overwhelmed and scared to start it all over. I have to remind myself that things will happen as they should and have faith in that, but I am sure there will still be hard days, and days that we doubt. Our first adoption was amazing--textbook. We were so lucky and blessed. Ours was the antithesis of the horror stories people like to pass around. We are just beginning the journey, but we hope by being open and sending out the vibes that we are ready to adopt again, that it will spread like wildfire and maybe, just maybe, we can have another success story. If we are meant to be a family of three, then we will be grateful for our little miracle family.

This post is quickly becoming a novel, but I wanted to share some fun photos of our seemingly normal days.

I found my old "My Little Ponies" and Paige has enjoyed them. I enjoy watching her play with them. It's fun to watch your kids love something you loved.

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This picture concerns Mark. He is fairly certain I have ruined our child and am turning her into a clean freak. He may or may not be right.

Paige's very favorite toys are her dishes. She grabs them out of the cupboard multiple times a day and sets them up like this all over the house. I find dishes in strange places. On this particular day, she found her way into the pantry and into the soup cans. She makes me smile.

Paige and I have a lot of similarities, but we are also very different. Paige is a girly girl. She doesn't get it from me that's for sure. She was so excited about her bright pink nails!

We didn't have many free Saturdays, but we were itching to get back in the saddle after a very long hiatus. Scout is at pony camp, and his teacher let's us come out and use the indoor facilities whenever we want. Scout is not ready to ride, so this isn't him, but a very fancy pony we only can wish was ours! It was about 5 below, and being inside didn't make it warmer. Paige has never really ridden, and with it being freezing I was skeptical we would have fun at all. Paige was a trooper and totally in love. We rode in the bone chilling cold for 2 hours. Paige laughed and laughed. I learned that one of the greatest blessings of parenthood is sharing something you love with your child, and seeing her love and experience it for the first time. I can't wait until we are consistently spending time with our horses as a family.