Changing Fast

I can't believe fall is here. I feel like I could really love this time of year if it wasn't for winter that looms around the corner. We've packed quite a few events in the last few weeks! First, Paige started preschool. She was so excited about wearing her new "pack pack" and could not wait for her actual first day. She had been attending summer camps with Mrs. Trina, her preschool teacher, all summer. It was a nice way to transition both Paige and I to the preschool scene! Paige is changing and growing so fast. I just want her to stay three forever!

 

 

I tell ya what, this type of behavior is all nature! She does not get this from me I can assure you. Who doesn't need makeup on their first day of preschool?

 

All smiles at Mrs. Trina's. I made Mark drop her off. It was just easier. He dropped her off and I picked her up. It's fun that Mark works from home and can be involved with things like this. Paige obviously has no separation anxiety whatsoever.

 

Paige and her good friend Mace. They play together so nicely. Paige insisted Mace call her princess all day, and apparently he obliged. That's a good clown right there.

 

This little collage is a preview of our latest family pictures. Katie does such a marvelous job! I can't wait to get all these back and get going on our adoption profile. It is past due for an update!

 

This past weekend, Mark tapped into his spontaneous side and we decided to do a little weekend getaway. We dropped Paige off with her birth family and had a little overnight stay all to ourselves. I feel like it was a win, win for everyone. Paige was SO excited to go to Mimi's, Livvy's, and Sophie's. She asked all day when she was going to go to her friends' house. I was a little jealous that all these girls were gonna have great time without me! But I am also glad that they were all able to spend some time together. LOVE our open adoption! And it was nice knowing Mark and I could spend some time together without having to worry about Paige in any way. She could not have been in better hands! I got this fun picture on my phone. I mentioned at drop off that Paige was the worst eater ever. Mimi sent this to me to prove that Paige has a healthy appetite. Well of course she does for doughnuts!

 

The weather is changing just as quickly. This wonderful shot was out the balcony of our hotel room. We love to stay at the Stein Erickson! Great food, great views, great spa. It was pretty darn fabulous. Even if I ruined it slightly with my excessive worrying....that story below.

 

The main attraction and probably the real reason why Mark was so spontaneous. He really wanted to go to the BYU vs Virginia game. I'm always down for a good football game so he doesn't really have to coerce me with fancy hotels, but why not go all out?! Our ten year anniversary is next month and it's a pretty busy month, so we decided to count this for our celebration.

 

 

I provided the other excitement for the month, unfortunately not in a good way. About 5 minutes into the first indoor soccer game of the season, I got DRILLED right in the eye with the ball. It didn't really hurt, but it was a pretty direct hit. One of my teammates struck fear into my heart by informing me that I could have internal eye bleeding and could be blind by morning if I waited. Being 10:30 at night, I wasn't sure what to do. I called my optometrist who said come first thing in the morning. My teammates convinced me not to wait so I went to the ER. Initially things looked fine and the ER doctor said to keep my eye appointment the next day. The optometrist said my retina looked good but I had quite a  bit of swelling and I was at a high risk for retina detachment so I needed to monitor things closely. At this point, I learned that there are two types of eye doctors and that I actually should have seen an ophthalmologist. So away I went for my third appointment in a day. Dr. Fullmer verified what my optometrist said and told me to come back in a week because I was so swollen, it could hide other problems.

 

At the week mark, the swelling had gone down enough, and sure enough I had a tear. So scary! It bothered me because I was supposed to be on the lookout for symptoms all week. The sooner you catch things the better. I seriously had no symptoms and I am Miss Paranoid. It wasn't like I wasn't looking at all times! I am an anxious worrier, and this whole experience has been AWFUL for me. At one point, I was pretty close to having a full blown panic attack. It is my eye people! I need it! Plus, Mark was out of town all week so I was alone with my craziness. An hour after my appointment, I was at the hospital getting laser eye surgery. I have been on NO activity for a few weeks now, and that includes lifting Paige. The mental battle has definitely been the worst part. Right before our weekend excursion, I had my first follow up and finally got good news. Things looked great, my visual disturbances would get better with time and in two more weeks I could resume activity. I was informed to keep being careful, no activity, no exercise, no horse riding since the healing was so new and could easily be re-torn. Dr. Fullmer then said to make an appointment in a year. I laughed and said no way! I pretty much made him make me an appointment for two weeks, just for mental purposes. I solidified myself as his crazy patient for sure! I left the appointment feeling so much happiness and relief for the first time in two weeks. It lasted all of two hours. As I was getting ready to jet out of town, I was retrieving an item from the back of my car and the tailgate did not catch on the hinge. When I leaned to get in the back of the car, the tailgate/door DRILLED  me in the head. Totally spooked me and I worried about it all weekend long.

 

I had already made myself look like an idiot at the office, and I didn't know if I should bug the poor doctor with my overly anxious worries, but I am certain that getting nailed in the head is on par with running, horse riding etc....I am still debating whether or not to make a fuss and actually call in, admitting I am first crazy, and second, terribly clumsy and accident prone! So, instead of having a joyous, relaxing weekend, Mark had to deal with crazy lady! I hate it. And I hate that I pretty much have dug my own crazy grave so no one takes me seriously. Oh the dilemma! The other dilemma? Trying to decide whether or not I am done with soccer. I love it, and I miss it. But at some point it might not be worth the risk. That point may be now. I might need to change things up and find something new. It might sound silly, but I feel like this game has been a part of me for so long. Foolishly, I identify myself with it and feel like it might be one of my few talents. I am sure I have placed more importance on it than it needs, but it just makes me feel like me. My once a week binge rejuvenates me each week. But it is not worth blindness!

 

The other big change around here is Scout. We had been pondering selling Scout for awhile, but hadn't really done anything or been serious about it. A farrier came out to work on Tucker and Scout and was eyeing Scout up pretty good. Mark said we were thinking of selling him and the guy jumped at the chance. The next day, Scout was gone. It happened so fast and I didn't even say goodbye. I will admit to having a bit of a love/hate relationship with that horse, but still, they kind of become part of the family! Paige noticed right away and has been pretty concerned about it. Tucker is pretty lonely out in the pasture. Hopefully we find a horse that fits our needs soon!

 

On a positive note, here are some things Paige has said lately that made me laugh:

 

When I ask her most anything, the response I get is "Can you think about it Mom?"

 

While driving in the car, listening to the radio, Paige says "This song is wonderful!"

 

Looking for a toy, "I think I will use my super, duper eyes"

 

On the way to Grandma's "Mom, my tummy is talking to me." What did it say Paige? "It said, 'Feed me!!!!'"

 

On the way home from the storm Paige randomly yelled "Kitty Cat I am coming! Mom, Kitty Cat just asked, 'Paige where are you!?'" Kitty Cat is still serious business around here. Hopefully she will let Kitty Cat go long enough for the poor thing to get a bath tomorrow!

 

She has started to say prayers all on her own. The other night she said, "Bless we can eat healthy food, and maybe some cupcakes."

 

On the way to Olivia's, "Mom, I think I maybe want to go back and live in Livvy's tummy for awhile." Hmmm.....good luck Liv;)

 



 

 

It Came, It Rained, It Went

Time is flying. Fast! I just am not ready to see summer go. Especially since August was essentially awful. I don't think it's fair to have a crappy summer. We suffer through 9 months of winter, holding onto the bright hope of lovely summer days where we can enjoy our nice surrounding. Instead, our area channeled Seattle and August was truly a wash. With the dismal conditions, I don't feel like we accomplished much or did a whole lot. We did make the most of a few scattered nice days and did our best to fill them with fun. On to the picture update:

 

 

We finally got our landscaping done, and with a month of rain we actually have grass coming up now. Just having pretty dirt was a vast improvement, until the pretty dirt turned into substantial mud.

 

 

Like a day or two after all our landscaping was put in, the heavens opened and it rained, and rained, and rained. Like hard, for days. Of course Mark was out of town so Paige and I had to figure out how to keep our crawlspace from flooding. Fortunately we have great friends who helped us out. Some of our lawn appreciated the rain, our backyard did not. All the fresh grass seed washed out. We just barely had it replanted a few days ago.

 

 

Just to add to all the fun, I had the pleasure of having four permanent teeth pulled. How nasty are they? I was pretty nervous about the whole procedure, but Mark's brother is seriously the best dentist. Coming from someone who has had ALL her baby teeth pulled, had a horrendous 2 hour wisdom tooth removal fiasco, and now 4 permanent teeth gone, that is a big endorsement. The aftermath was far worse than the actual pulling. It was terrible. I ate yogurt and noodles for a good two and half weeks. I got dry socket, and was just all out miserable for a good portion of the month. Nothing makes you feel hotter than having huge gaping holes AND braces in your mouth. Sexy.

 

When I wasn't being tortured on "vacation", I was able to see my brother Sam's family and snuggle his sweet new baby Grayson. My mouth was essentially an oozing, sore mess, but holding a sleeping baby seemed to help me feel better. Kind of. It also re-opened the baby wound and I spent most of the time snuggling this little guy while dropping tears on his head. I feel like I took two steps back and it made for an awfully hard week or two. But it was worth it.

 

 

Paige had swimming lessons, which was rained out most days. They still held it, but on cold, 60 degree days, it was just too hard to make my three year old get into the water. It didn't seem to bother her, but I felt slightly abusive as I watched in coat. The last day was actually nice, and Paige did great! It took her about two weeks to warm up (literally and figuratively) to the idea and then she really excelled.

So  much so that she passed and I ended up signing her up for another session. I figured between two sessions we would have enough nice days to equal one full session. Didn't really pan out that way but we did our best and she definitely improved!

 

I love finding evidence of imaginative play. The girl loves horses. Apparently so does the rabbit.

 

We only hit up the carousel once this year. I was shocked, this is usually a summer staple. My wallet takes a fairly good hit each summer thanks to the carousel. This years budget went to Karie Anne's. It is seriously the nectar of the gods. As a family we were fairly addicted. Paige started to ask for it first thing in the morning. "Mom, I think today might be a good day for Karie Anne's." And she was right, it usually was.

 

 

Karie Anne's. Yum. Don't know what we will do come winter and they close. Withdrawal for sure!

 

 

My good friend Jackie came home from Nebraska for a visit and luck would have it, it was a super nice day. We took the kids to the splash park and then I had to introduce her to KA's. Paige and Logan played pretty well together.

 

 

Paige is at this awful stage where she could really use a nap, but if she takes one, it is like 11 PM before she falls asleep. I've decided to forgo naptime for a decent bedtime, but from 4-8 PM she is a MONSTER. It's like she drinks a 5 hour energy or something. I will never understand why she is hyper when she is tired, but I hate it. By this time of day, I'm wore out, my patience is thin, and she is crazy! On this particular day, Paige had an epic meltdown and I put her in her room for the safety of everyone. She must have wore herself right out, because she proceeded to crash on the couch while I cooked dinner. This has NEVER happened, ever in her whole life. I have never seen her sleep anywhere but her bed, and that includes baby Paige. I had to document it!

 

 

Grandma Norma was nice enough to watch Paige for us on the one nice Saturday so Mark and I could go for a ride. Paige loves to go to Grandma's and was so excited to help her mow the lawn. It was the first ride we have been on alone together since Paige was born. It was long overdue.

 

We had such a great time, and both horses did great. Tucker has since been sore. Who knows why, I tend to think it might be the fact Mark likes to trot rather than walk on trail rides. Or maybe I was just sore after that! How is it that riding can be such a workout for the rider? We have had an issue with Tucker's feet for awhile, and I think it is a combination of a lot of things. Makes me sad to see him sore. He's a good boy!

 

We are so blessed to have a secluded refuge right out our back door. We love to take walks on nice evenings. And since it rained most of the day, the bugs this particular night weren't too bad. Roxy loves to tag a long, and Paige loves to throw things in the river.

 

 

Mark's parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary this month. The family put together a fun weekend, which essentially got rained out. After some serious prayers, it was nice just long enough to get family pictures done. It was COLD, don't let the summery look fool you. It rained soon after and didn't stop for days. It's only been 7 years since our last attempt, so we were pretty glad thing panned out. We found a place down in the river bottoms behind the house, and I think they turned out wonderful. The colors looked fantastic. There was some serious stress happening, so to have them turn out well was such a relief.

 

Other than that, not too much has been going on. I get a little stir crazy and anxious when I feel like things get stuck in a rut. We are pretty excited that football season is upon us, but I can already feel doom and gloom knowing winter is much closer than I would like. Why is time going so fast?! Why can't it just be nice.

 

 

Life According to Paige:

 

"Mom, is it awesome and tool? (cool)" There are levels of awesomeness, and this is the highest.

 

She has been on a Land Before Time kick and tells me about Sharp Tooths and the Great Valley all the time. Quite the paleontologist.

 

At 11:30 the other night, we heard a little knock on her bedroom door. She informed Mark that she needed some medicine for her hiccups.

 

Paige is fairly concerned about Tucker. Each morning she asks me if he is feeling better. Since he's the only horse she is allowed to ride, this must concern her quite a bit!

 

The only obsession that ranks as high as Karie Anne's for Paige, is her obsession with Hagen. She asks about him all the time and tells me most nights that she is going to play with Hagen the next day.

 

Kitty Cat is a SERIOUS problem around here. This beanie baby goes with us most places and nighttime doesn't happen without her. Kitty Cat can't talk, but can answer yes and no questions. I am often directed to talk to her, but am reprimanded if I carry the conversation too far. "She can't talk Mom." I am usually confused.

 

Paige likes to tell me things are bad news. "Mom, that would be bad news if we stepped in the mud." The list of things that are "bad news" is endless.

 

The other day, she told me she had made me a beautiful picnic party upstairs. I came up to find a blanket laid out, dishes set, and plastic food on each plate. A stuffed animal was at each spot, the rabbit had a plastic carrot in it's mouth, and there was an empty spot reserved just for me. It was a beautiful picnic indeed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Enjoying Summer.....Seriously

Life feels like it is getting back to normal, which overall is probably a good thing. Not the new normal I was expecting, but our normal can be pretty great. All of us seem to thrive on routine, and staying busy continues to be the best therapy. I am so grateful it is summer right now. I really can't imagine how different my attitude and outlook would be if the storm had come mid-winter. Getting out and enjoying my favorite hobbies and great weather is such a blessing. For reals. Paige is at a seriously fun age and I wish I could record everything she says. She constantly brings a smile to my face. I feel like her personality is just blossoming. The things she says, thinks about, and stories she tells are just priceless. She maybe somewhat of a genius and she never ceases to amaze me, or scare me with what she catches and processes. Oh boy. What joy she brings! I was emailed this photo from her dancing performance at Relay for Life. Hilarious. Check out her face, so serious.

 

 

Lord of the Dance

 

 

The bed in all its finished glory. I need some more pillows once I convince Mark I need more pillows. I would also like a lovely coverlet and other accessories Mark finds completely unnecessary. I wish he shared in my Pottery Barn fantasies.

 

I feel like anyone that reads Beth's blog and mine gets a double dose of awesome. Or a good read at Beth's and then mine is all old news since I essentially tell the same stories a week later. At any rate, a gal I play soccer with informed me that they had some special visitors at her family's boarding stables. Being the horse freak I am, I was so excited and obviously needed my equally horse freaked friend to come with me. I knew Beth would join me in gawking. Yes, people made fun of us for our stupid questions and ridiculous amount of pictures. Little do they know I could have stayed and annoyed all day long.

 

This picture almost looks photo shopped. They are just huge. Amazingly huge and gorgeous.

 

Beautiful animals. Also, they may or may not have better hygiene and grooming habits than I do. Not a hair out of place. Anywhere. All their equipment is immaculate. I don't think I could convince them to ride in our trailer for all the grain in the world. Way beneath them.

 

There is a disorder I suffer from that I like to refer to as equinitis. Get around horses a little bit and it's just infectious. Always leaves me wanting more. It had been awhile since I had gone on a good ride, and I let Beth know that that needed to be remedied. For health reasons obviously. The only cure for equinitis is spending time with the ponies. Before the world thinks I am a fantastic cowgirl, I am a trailer wuss. I am way too scared to tackle that part of the horse world, which is quite limiting. So poor Beth has to come and pick me and my horse up. She's a pretty good sport to put up with me. To make matters worse, she tells me these great stories about blowing trailer tires and shattering the back window of her pick up with the 5th wheel hitch. On Friday, Beth trailered Tucker and I and took us on a great ride out on the desert. It was quite beautiful and I was surprised by how much I enjoyed being out there. Definitely one my favorite rides we have been on. Tucker was a rock star and behaved better than he had all year. I am sure that had something to do with the enjoyment level.

 

Cute Beth and Rogue.

 

Tucker is pretty much MIA in this picture, but trust me when I tell you he was there. We usually have a few battles each ride, and this time he decided to just let me be the boss. It was pretty magical.

 

 

On Saturday, we went for a 4-wheeler ride up to the towers and Packsaddle Lake. Paige loved it! She kept telling me we were in the beautiful forest and on the mountain. She kept her eyes peeled for the big hungry bear who likes to eat strawberries (per her favorite book). It was a bit windy and chilly up top, but the views were great.

 

I am not sure who that old lady with braces and acne is in the corner, wow seriously not a good shot of me. But Paige and Mark are so stinking cute so I had to post. I loathe selfies!

 

The water is freezing. That's as daring as we got.

 

A much better picture. Sure love this little one. She makes everything a lot more fun. I love being reminded to enjoy the little things like butterflies, smells, pretty rocks, etc.

 

The rest of the week was spent contacting agencies and attorneys. I am ready to move on and put ourselves out there again. This week we finished updating our home study. I need to work on updating our profile, but that is a big old monster. Not sure which direction to take there. I do feel like I have narrowed down our attorney/agency list and they look promising. In my heart, I still believe that our friends, family, and word of mouth are still our best options. Please keep us in mind and share our story and our desire to adopt! 

 

Ready or Not....Life Goes On

Contrary to what my blog has depicted, we are alive and have kept ourselves quite busy. It's time to get back to blogging and catching up. I have found that keeping busy is the best medicine and it didn't take too long before I put that mantra to practice. So onto picture overload of the past month and a half!

 

 Literally the day after our match failed, Paige and I loaded up the car and headed to Boise. We tried to keep things fun and first visited the dentist. Ok, that really isn't fun, but it was Paige's first time and Mark's brother is an awesome dentist. She did great and totally let Uncle Greg have his way with her! He tackled my mess of a mouth and then the fun really began when we crashed at his place, enjoyed his beautiful backyard, and played with cousins. My brother was moving that weekend as well, so Paige and I spent a lot of time hauling boxes and odds and ends. Poor Courtney was 8 months pregnant. Seems like a great time to pack up ship! We really weren't much help, but we tried. It just so happened that a soccer tournament I had signed up for, then bailed out on due to the baby, was also that weekend in Boise. I ended up getting to play in two games. It was the first women's tournament I had participated in since high school. I loved getting out and playing, even though I knew no one and our team was a bit out of our league. I somehow managed a goal and left feeling good that my old lady self can still play at least a little bit.

 

 

Paige enjoyed a good polish. I was quite surprised that she did as well as she did.

 

Paige and I bought a season's pass to Bear World. Our friend Beth and her kids get one each year and she convinced me it was worth it. We actually go quite a bit. Paige is a ride hound and is fearless. I love her face in this picture. Now, she raises her hands high in the air and claps after each drop. She dashes past the animals and lives for the rides.

 

I signed Paige up for preschool camp this summer and they have all been really fun. Her teacher is fantastic and Paige comes home from each camp loaded up. This particular day was Pirate Camp. She told me about the treasure she found for days. She still informs me that X marks the spot.

 

About a week after Boise, Paige and I jumped on a plane to go see my parents in California. We hadn't seen them since September and they had a pretty low key week ahead of them. That doesn't happen....ever...so Paige and I knew we needed to take advantage of it! Mom and Dad were able to spend most of the days with us and we filled them full of fun activities. Lots of parks, movies, ice cream, shopping, Chuck E. Cheese, and backyard games. I was pretty wore out most days. Paige didn't seem to skip and beat and loved being spoiled by Boppa and Momma.

 

My mom is still gullible enough to partake in all park activities. I figure you can only get stuck on the slide so many times before you make the three year old traverse it alone. They both came down with some crazy hair!

 

On our way home, we had a stop in Oakland. We stayed on the plane and waited for others to board. I spent the time entertaining Paige and didn't pay any attention to those around me. After we landed and were waiting to deplane, I heard a familiar voice. It just so happens that Steve Young and all his kids were sitting right behind me. I wanted to ask for an autograph so badly but chickened out. It was a Sunday and he was with all his kids, I didn't want to bug him. Since we stood there for so long together, he started to talk to Paige. I started to look through my bag for anything he could sign and found a crayon and purple paper. I couldn't bring myself to present him with that. So instead, I took this awesome incognito picture at baggage claim to prove I had actually seen him. I then watched him graciously sign autographs for everyone else. Sigh.

 

Life wasn't quite as exciting once we got home, but we've tried to find fun things to do. Paige not only gave me this awesome purple manicure, but she also insisted on taking the picture. Not too shabby!

 

When we got back from California, the weather finally decided to be nice. Paige and I have tried to spend as much time as possible outdoors. We went for a lovely walk behind the house and enjoyed this little spot until the bugs found us.

 

Beth is always up to something fun and she always invites Paige and I to tag along. Bless her! I love getting out and doing stuff.  We found a park that wasn't overly crowded and soaked in the sun. Paige loved this merry-go-round. These used to be one of my favorite toys when I was little. Then they removed them from all the parks I know due to safety issues. Apparently they missed this one. Pretty awesome that all those big kids sat there as Paige pushed them over and over again. I was impressed. They weren't. It wasn't going fast enough. She is only 3, boys!

 

 

Beth is the picture queen, which is great since I stink and am too lazy to document as well as I should. Thanks Beth!

 

We've tried to do some horse back riding, but it hasn't been as often as I would like. Mark has caught the roping bug which puts a damper on my trail riding. Paige, however, loves the arena because she can ride Tucker "all by myself."

 

One of the most exciting events from the last month were the four days that stupid Boots got herself stuck in the tree. She was a good 40 feet up there. At first, I felt like maybe we should let nature take its course, since well, Boots is a cat and not well loved. Well tolerated, but not well loved. She does catch mice which is nice. Anyhow, after the third day her pleas were quite mournful and darn my animal loving heart, I just was too soft to let it go on. We had tried a couple of maneuvers, one being climbing a ladder placed in the bed of Mark's truck. That was the scariest 2 minutes of my life and I felt like my life was more valuable than that. A ward member had a boom truck he let us borrow and it BARELY reached the cat. In fact, Mark had to grab her by the tail to get her into the bucket. She rewarded him by hissing, scratching, and attempting to jump from the bucket. Welcome back Boots.

 

The 4th of July rolled around and I felt very clever with this hairdo...that is until we got to the parade and every other girl rocked the same look. Oh well, still cute, right?!

 

My little brother made it up for the weekend and we attended the extended family BBQ. It was a better turnout than in recent years and I loved catching up with everyone! Felt like old times.

 

Since BJ was here, we decided to pull out all the stops and made a day trip over to Jackson Hole. Mark's family caught wind of it and they all came along too. Our first stop was the Alpine Slide. Fearless little Paige was stoked and begged Mark to go faster the entire time.

 

 

That night we hit up Bar J. Paige loved being surrounded by her cousins. I hadn't been in years. It was a ton of fun. Paige did better than expected and waited until almost the end of the show before falling of the bench and drilling her head on the concrete. Poor baby had two good sized goose eggs. After a very full day and what I have no doubt was a good headache, we decided to call it day and headed back home. There was literally a near death moment on the pass when an oncoming car blew a tire, but our little day trip was overall a success.

 

 

Mark has been really busy this year as the committee chair for Relay for Life. He honestly didn't have time for it, but the spot needed filled and he stepped up to the plate. It was a lot of work, and I know he felt bad he couldn't dedicate more time to it. In the end, I think things turned out well and we had a great night. Paige got her own committee shirt and the two of them looked so dang cute! Paige joined Mark on the survivor lap and it never ceases to melt my heart. I have a lot to be grateful for. Two miracles right there folks!

 

 

Paige partied like it was 1999. At one point, she danced on stage for 25 minutes. It was a pretty good performance and she entertained the masses. She even flipped the walkers a thumbs-up sign. I literally had to drag her off the stage by bribing her with a jump house trip. The only problem with that was trying to get her out. I was seconds away from having to crawl in there after her. So embarrassing.

 

 

This entire last week was spent redoing this king sized bed. In my head, the project seemed so fun and simple. In reality, it was a ton of hard work. Lots of sanding, painting, distressing, drying, and a huge mess. It has a footboard and side rails to match. It's just BIG. I think it turned out fine. I am not too crafty, talented, or artistic so don't look too close! It needs another coat of  lacquer and then should be good to go. Paige insisted on being in every picture I took. I guess she only improves the shot.

 

 

I get asked a lot about how we are doing. The answer is ok. I have my good days and bad days. Paige will still sometimes ask about the baby or when we are going to the temple, but it is getting less and less. I am surprised by how often it weighs on my mind. It's hard not to dwell on it when I'm driving, cleaning, running, or any other time my hands are busy but my mind isn't. I ask lots of questions and wonder about a lot of things. Sometimes I just feel dumb. I know that doesn't make much sense, but I feel dumb that I trusted, and hoped, and got "sucked' into it all. I feel stupid when I reflect on some of the moments I felt like I was on cloud 9, or that things were perfect, or that we were so lucky. I think back to those moments and my reactions and I feel dumb for having them. I know....doesn't make much sense. When I called my grandma to tell her the happy news, she asked if they could change their minds. I said they could, but that they wouldn't. I felt so confident in it. That makes me feel so foolish or something. Did I miss something? Was I overlooking something? I feel dumb for caring and loving them as much as I did, and thinking that they didn't feel the same way. Almost like dating rejection if I were to compare it something more people would be familiar with. Giving your heart away to someone who doesn't feel the same way. I get a lot of questions and have a lot of questions about it all and how it could have ended that way. All I can come up with is agency. People have their agency, NO MATTER WHAT. The end. That is what it boils down to. And so while it kind of feels raw, or unfair, or confusing, it is what it is. They had their agency and they made a decision. That I can comprehend. While it doesn't make a lot of sense to me at times, it just doesn't matter. I just hope with time that things will continue to get better and as we move ahead it will hurt less or bother me less. I find myself looking inward more than I should. I need to be better about looking outside myself and forgetting myself. I can and should do better.

 

I think I need to work on having hope and trust again. Faith that the future is bright and things could happen and that when doors close, windows open. I sometimes let pessimism cloud my view, and I need to rise above that. I know that I have lots to be grateful for now, and who knows what the future might bring. Some days it just feels dark, but I feel like that's my fault. Not having hope doesn't mean there isn't hope. Attitude is everything and I can make or break the situation. I often feel like I have no control or no say, but the reality is I do. I have control over myself and my attitude and that makes all the difference. We will hope that someday, something will happen for us, that there is hope for a baby. If that isn't the plan, then there is hope that I can be ok with what His plan is for our family. Be grateful in things, not for things. If I say it enough, I might actually be able to do it :) Paige is such a blessing and I just love her. So much. I love her birth family. I love having a relationship with them. Mark and I have wonderful families and our little family is very blessed.

 

Some fun things Paige has said lately:

 

During the Rigby fireworks: "I wonder who puts this on"

 

While handing me a bloody booger "Mom, I found you a chocolate booger"

 

After Mark throws out a toothpick from the truck window "What was that Dad?" "Nothing Paige." "Was it just a booger?"

 

"Mom, can we go to the temple?" "Not until you're bigger, maybe someday." "Well, I will go get my church dress on and then I can."

 

"President Monson gave me this shirt. He put the sparkles on it."

 

"Mom, stop being so dramatic"

 

Asking her how Dragons 2 was "It was serious."

 

 

 

 

A New Level of Heartache

I'm not entirely sure why I want to air all this dirty laundry out. A part of me thinks that after bottling things up for so long, that letting it all out might be therapeutic. The other part of me just doesn't want to relay the story to everyone who will inevitably ask about it. Enough people know what's been going on, and I just don't have the energy to repeat as necessary. The other reason I suppose is to educate. Anyone who thinks that adoption is taking the easy way out has obviously not been through an adoption. Hopefully after this epic miserable post I can begin to move on and work on finding that gratitude in any circumstance that President Uchtdorf talks about. While this post may be laced with bitterness and anger, I honestly don't lay blame on anyone and I do have a level of understanding. It's just hiding behind some serious hurt.

Last post I alluded to our first failed match this year. All I really want to say about that one is I learned some tough lessons. Adoption has many roads, and though I desperately want a baby, I learned that not all roads are created equal, and that I truly would like to do things in the right way. I want to stick to my beliefs about adoption and be proud of myself at the end of the journey. While that match was failing, I felt our miracle was unfolding. As hard as it was to know that match wasn't the path for us, I was filled with hope at this new possibility. After more than a year with LDS Family Services, we got our very first email from an expectant mom. This was March, and she informed me she was due in May with a baby girl. Right away it felt different and I knew it was a path we needed to take.

We began to exchange emails and I was floored by how much we had in common. She asked wonderful questions that made me evaluate my beliefs on adoption and parenting. By answering them, I learned so much about myself and what things mattered the most. I felt such a connection to her and felt like we would be the best of friends under any circumstance. After awhile, she invited us to meet her and her mom at the agency. We were so nervous, especially knowing that we were one of three families. We were so excited and felt so good about the the meeting. Mark and I left feeling very positive. We felt a lot of love for her and her mom and knew we had a connection. A few days went by and I wanted to die. I craved hearing any news. I finally felt prompted to invite her and her mom to our home. They accepted and came up that next weekend. We had a wonderful visit and they stayed for over four hours. My love for this girl continued to grow.

After they left, communication went dead for a few weeks and it was torture. Awful. I wondered how I could have misjudged the meeting so horribly. It was such a rollercoaster as we had no idea where we stood, or even what her thoughts on adoption were. She was very shy, quiet, and private. From the beginning, we knew she hadn't made her mind up about adoption at all---only that it was a possibility. Finally, out of the blue I got a text from her that she and the expectant dad would like to come visit. Once again, we had a great visit and fell in love with him as well. Yet again, we were forced to wait to hear any feedback. The waiting days are just maddening. Your mind plays a million tricks on you. I've never prayed so hard in my life, hoping for peace, comfort, direction, anything!  The agency finally let us know that she was leaning towards adoption. She had been on the fence up to this point but now, she was 70/30 in favor of placing, and if she did place, it would be with us. It was nice to know we were no longer one of three families. At this point, two months had passed and she was 36 weeks pregnant. Everyone was feeling the pressure of a due date, and the agency was hoping to help her see that she needed to make a decision before the baby arrived, because emotions would be high and realistic thinking at the hospital would be a stretch. Her mom began calling me and implored us to remain patient. Her mom is a saint and she and I had such wonderful phone conversations. She is a kind, loving woman who was worried about us and our feelings, while trying to support her daughter in whatever decision she made. I felt like her mom and I understood each other so well, even though we were on opposite ends of the adoption spectrum. It felt like everyone involved really was trying to be prayerful and that pieces were falling into place. There can only be so many coincidences in life right?

It was months of torture. Trying to be patient, kind, understanding, and supportive. Hoping you were coming off as true to yourselves and genuine. We honestly cared for them and hoped they were finding peace in the turmoil they were feeling. You worry you are being analyzed and I often felt so inadequate. I know I am not a perfect mom or a better mom than the thousands of other couples hoping to adopt, or a better mom than a birth mother who places that kind of trust in me. I am not a perfect parent. I have seen the heartache of someone placing their baby in my arms. I have felt guilt knowing someone has to go through that so that I can be a mom. I have a special place in my heart reserved for birth moms. They are amazing people who absolutely love their children. We fasted lots. We prayed lots. We went to the temple lots. I always felt a lot of anxiety wondering if things would actually work out, but I felt a surprising amount of peace at the same time as well. Mark also felt very strongly that this path was right, that things would work out.

About two and half weeks ago we got the call we yearned for. We were chosen and she wanted to place. However, when she told the father he decided he would fight her decision. It shocked everyone and felt oh so tragic. There were many phone conversations about what to do next, would court be an option. Everyone fasted and prayed for a miracle. Everyone wanted him back on board. Everyone wanted these two great kids to be united and make a decision they felt good about---a decision they would feel would be best for the baby. They consistently spoke of not being ready to get married, not wanting to marry each other. They spoke about wanting a stable two parent home, sparing their baby from years of shared custody. But all that now seemed in jeopardy. Lots of prayers, lots of fasting from everyone. About two weeks ago, we got an invite to a BBQ. I wasn't given any info besides we were to meet her entire family, the father, and the father's parents. We felt like maybe he and his parents wanted to ask us their own questions and the interview process would continue. We were told to bring Paige. We were awfully excited and awfully nervous. We went to her house and had a fabulous time. Her family was wonderful. His family was wonderful. We enjoyed being with them all. It felt comfortable and natural and very promising for an open adoption. I felt such love. I was excited that this process included all these people and the idea of an ongoing relationship was amazing. After dinner the expectant mom and dad brought out this huge basket full of clothes, frames she had made, books she had written notes in, a blanket she made, and a baby hat crocheted by her little sister. They told us we would be great parents.  He had come 180 degrees, we felt like it had been nothing short of a miracle and an answer to many prayers. We talked names, I made plans for a newborn session we could all go to together. We hugged and cried. Their families were all there witnessing this and I felt so blessed that all these people could come together for this baby. I felt like we were gaining an extended family. I couldn't believe how lucky we were. Paige would have a sister, they would have each other, and they could share adoption together. They would both have wonderful birth families that would be a blessing in their lives. I couldn't believe Heavenly Father would see fit to bless us with two incredible adoptions. Could winning the lottery twice be possible?

We learned she was having her membranes stripped the following Monday. I panicked and quickly set off to prepare. I bought a car seat, I had birth parent gifts and birth grandparent gifts custom made. I wanted them to be so special to show them our love for them. I stressed mightily about these gifts. They had to be perfect, because even if they were perfect they would never be enough. How do you even express the gratitude you feel when someone so selflessly allows you to be a mom? I did lots of laundry and filled empty drawers with baby clothes. We brainstormed a list of names, making sure to use names the birth parents would like and would pay tribute to them. I texted them both through the week, finally feeling like I was free to build a lasting relationship with them. We joked and laughed. We got an email from the agency detailing the placement plan. We were so happy. I coached Paige, preparing her for a baby sister. Helping her adjust to the big change ahead. I felt so sure. I was nervous, nothing is ever a done deal. This process had been long, but full of "coincidences." The connections were just too strong, the miracles in the details evident. I felt like it had been such a long journey to help those two be sure. They waited to commit until they were sure. The gift basket had just been too thoughtful, it had to have been the result of deep thinking and reason. I felt like all my lightening fast preparations magically fell into place. I was nervous with anticipation, even a bit freaked out about the thought of having a newborn and two kids. It seemed a bit overwhelming, but it was right. It was meant to be and I knew that I would have the help I needed to be able to do it. And so, we waited.

Days crept by and we were on pins and needles, I couldn't wait. I wanted to see her, I wanted the most difficult months of my life to be over. It would all be worth it. Finally, Sunday, the text came. She was in labor and the baby would be here soon. Late that night I got birth stats and a picture....and that was it. I wanted to be excited, she was so beautiful. I was scared. It felt very distanced. I shook it off and knew it was an emotional time and I wanted them to have those special moments to themselves. They needed to have that time for themselves and I could put my desires to see her aside for them. I loved them and wanted them to have whatever they needed, even if that meant we needed to be distant. Monday rolled around and there was no news. No more details---except that they no longer wanted to sign at 24 hours and things would be pushed back to Wednesday but we could maybe see the baby Tuesday. I closed the door to the nursery. I just couldn't bear to walk by and see it. Tuesday morning arrived and Paige saw the door to the nursery was closed. She asked me if the baby was asleep in the baby bed and if she needed to be quiet. I cried. Tuesday continued to crawl on and there was no invite to the hospital. I got a call from her mom that they were struggling, but no decisions had been made. She says she still felt like there was hope. Nothing had changed, they didn't want to be together, or get married, and they were still just kids. She asked that we continue to pray, submit their names to the temple. She said she reminded them that this would be an open adoption and they would still have a role in this baby's life. I assured her we would want nothing more than for them to be a part of her life. I tell her that any and all of them were welcome at any time. I invite the expectant mother to spend serious time at our house this summer, spend weeks. We talk about a gradual break since we would need to stay in Utah for at least a week. They just needed to find the strength and remember all the reasons they felt adoption was right to begin with. We prayed. We went to the temple. I tried to have hope, but my heart already hurt. Tuesday night brought no news. Wednesday morning brought  no news. I turned 50 and my blood pressure was no longer manageable. The first words out of Paige's mouth when she woke up were once again, "Is the baby coming today?"  She seemed so disinterested and resistant, and now I cursed myself for all those pep talks.

Mark tried to contact their social worker. She had no news, but was heading to the hospital soon since they would be discharged within hours. I sent her an emotional text pleading with her to share some words with the parents. Things I wish I would have, could have said.  Finally, I see his name flash across my phone, but I know this is not a good a sign. I dread answering the phone but I do and try my best to keep my emotions in check. He asks how I am doing. He then says, "Well, Jenny. I have some bad news. We thought about it long and hard and we just can't do it. We are sorry and we really like you guys. We think you guys are fun and remind us so much of certain members of our family." I honestly had no words. Paige could tell I was upset and asked once again, while I am on the phone, "Are you sad because the baby isn't here yet Mom?" At that point I was just a bit angry. It seemed fine to hurt me, but I hated that Paige was aware. I wanted him to explain this to her. I wanted him to hear her in the background wondering what was going on. I wondered what was going on myself and "I am sorry, thanks for taking this journey with us the last three months and being so awesome but we aren't going to do this"  was not doing it for me any longer. At that point I wanted nothing more than to throw my phone in the ditch.

When I walked inside, I was immediately greeted with an upset child, and a table full of beautifully wrapped, custom made birth parent gifts. Things that weren't returnable. A cradle in my room waiting for a newborn, a gift basket so thoughtfully put together. All I saw was stuff, stuff that I couldn't take back. Stuff I didn't have a clue what to do with. Stuff I couldn't stand the sight of. Mark came home and asked about what exactly happened and I relayed the 5 minute conversation that shattered our hopes. We sat outside for hours, watching Paige play with toys and her baby doll. A baby doll that she normally cared less about, but has since been inseparable from and I can hardly watch.

I immediately made plans to leave town, I just couldn't be in my house that was all ready to welcome a newborn. Paige and I left the next morning to be with family in Boise. It was nice to bury my head in the sand for a few days. I found a home for a few of the non returnable items and it felt good to get rid of the reminders. It was easy to distract myself away from home, pretend it all never happened. But it was short lived, and the drive home was brutal. I was alone, the road was long, and I knew that the house would still be full of baby things. All the newborn clothes I laid out to be placed in a suitcase continue to sit out. I just can't do it. I can't walk into that room and put all those clean clothes back in the plastic tubs.

As for now I feel discouraged, confused, and hurt. A lot of sadness. Depending on the moment I am either very sad or very mad. I don't feel anger towards anyone specifically, I know adoption isn't easy for anyone, and I know the process wasn't easy for them either. I know they didn't intend to inflict pain and they weren't being malicious. It just stinks. I feel such a sense of loss and mourning of what might have been. The baby, the open relationship with all of them, the situation itself, wonderful people I will never forget, but who no longer want a place in our lives. Everything. It was just perfect and too good to be true I guess. Paige is literally the greatest blessing ever. It is not possible for me to sit in bed all day with her around. I am so grateful I can throw myself into being her mom. Enjoying her smiles, laughs, and kisses. She helps me forge ahead and reminds me of all the things I have. It is impossible to sit and feel sorry for myself when she demands so much of my time and attention and I am just beyond grateful for her. I am not alone...I have her. I have a good husband, amazing friends and family. I have had an amazing, wonderful adoption experience and share a wonderful relationship with an amazing birth family who I love deeply. I have lots to be grateful for. I know that. But I still feel awful. I feel for Paige, and the thought of her being an only child kills me.  Right now I am not sure where to turn or where to go. Everything feels a bit hopeless, and I wonder if I have anything left in me to keep pursuing this. It is just so hard to put yourself out there, to feel vulnerable, to take those emotional and financial risks. I question my judgment and discernment. I am still shocked that this particular situation ended this way. In some ways it just doesn't seem possible. I am not sure how things could have been more perfect or guided, and for it to end this way frightens me. How can I ever trust a seemingly right situation ever again? What exactly was the purpose of all this if this was the end result? I have more questions than answers and just don't have any idea what to do or where to go next. I wish I could hide for awhile, but our home study expires soon and will force my hand. I really would rather not do anything adoption related right now.

Sorry for the long post and that there are no pictures to even break it up. Pretty sure I am not going to do much proofing either. I hope it isn't too much or too personal. I really don't need or expect anyone to say anything. I am not fishing for comments or sympathy. I just wanted to put it out there. In my head I know all the right answers and the right things to say or feel, but sometimes my heart just isn't there yet. I am sure in time things will work out. I know all will be well and ok and that there is a plan of sorts for us out there somewhere. But right now, things are dark and I am in survival mode. It is what it is and we are gonna work through it.